It Wasn’t What It Seemed

On other occasions, I had my revenge and tied him up. With my pussy on his face using it as a joystick I would use the vibrator on his penis, a nice eight inches. I wish now that I had done what I had threatened and used the dildo on his bum. After what he said about me, I would ram it up his arse now with no lube!

I didn't have a pussy now, it was a cunt, used for fucking, not making love. His texts told me that.

The divorce went through. I was numb. I couldn't believe that after all we had between us, I still hadn't spoken properly with Michael. If he was at my parents, it was an accident if we met. The few words, "Why? I don't fucking know?" led to a short screaming tantrum by both of us. I bottled up the tears. No way was he seeing the hurt he had caused me. I was lying to myself. I saw the hurt in his eyes and I'm sure he saw the same in mine.

I missed him and our girls but as a slut, whore who gives a fuck about me! Not them, not my parents and not my former friends to begin with!

It was about a week following the divorce that things began to fall into place. I had never mentioned it to anyone. Hell, apart from work I spoke with no one unless I was at a till.

It was part through the afternoon at work when Ryan came up to me. He told me "I was now free to marry him."

I jumped up and screamed, "You're not a millionth of the man Michael is and your three and a half inch penis is just an excuse for a dick!"

He looked shocked. I was shocked. Where the fuck had that come from? My heart was beating so loudly, I was shaking. I was staring at him, like he was an animal.

An angry Ryan began to come round my desk towards me but a woman shouted at him to leave. He was looking around at her, at the office. We were the centre of attention. He walked away reluctantly.

This woman, Brenda, was from another office. Even although I was so upset, I never cried. I allowed her to shepherd me out of the office. I was sweating, my whole body shaking to its core. She said we needed somewhere private so I suggested my annex.

Once in the annex, Brenda asked me, "What happened to you?"

She was the first person to ask that question. There was genuine concern on her face.

"Brenda, I don't know!" I almost cried. "No one believes me. My ex-husband, my children, my parents all think I'm a lying whore. All I know is that we were celebrating a successful deal in the office around 4pm. I had a soft drink as I seldom drink alcohol. The next I know for sure is it was 11am and I was in a room at the Cornhill. There was dried semen on my face, love bites all over my breasts and my pubic hair had been removed. I have slight vision of a man wanking onto my face and saying, "You'll marry me!"

"The next vague recollection is Michael arriving and seeing me, apparently blitzed on the bed. This was confirmed by photos he took. We haven't spoken about it but his text calling me a whore, a slut said I texted him to come for a surprise. He refuses to accept I don't know why I was there so won't speak with me.

"I have racked my brain to try and find out why I did what I obviously did. I'm not one step closer to finding out. My solicitor suggested perhaps I was drugged. It made sense when I considered everything after looking it up but I have no proof. Who was the man? What had we done? Why?

"Until Ryan spoke saying I should marry him, I never suspected it could be him. I don't know where the three and a half inch penis came from. Since the incident, my mind has always said be cautious around him but I don't know why.

"How did it? Do you have any idea?"

Brenda said, "This is a long story. You are not the first. Many in the firm are aware of Ryan and what he does. I suspect some of the board and even very senior management have been involved as well. This goes back at least ten years.

"What I can prove against what I strongly suspect is minuscule. I know that in the Bristol office, Ryan worked with two real creeps, Thatcher and Brown, who are now on the board. I suspect that they taught Ryan to drug women so they could abuse them although they would have no recollection of the event. Ryan wasn't so good at judging the dosage and several women came round and screamed. The firm paid up very handsomely to preserve their name. The women didn't want a court case and their names across the tabloids front pages. I know that there was another incident at the York office and one at the Carlisle office involving Ryan and at least one senior manager who I haven't identified.

"Somewhere in your brain, you stored the information about what happened that night. It was so painful; it hid it to protect you. Knowing what I know about him I suspect that Ryan had planned everything well in advance so he would have been prepared given the opportunity. He would have spiked your drink when you were distracted. He would judge the time to leave with you when he could abduct you without others being suspicious. From your description he had to have well overdosed you so he had time to do all those things to you. He was the one who texted your husband deliberately so he would find you. Ryan's words to you about "you'll marry him" caused the reaction in you when he spoke with you today. Your brain woke up at that. Your comment about his three and a half inch penis confirms your awakening.

"But it's not supported by any facts, forensic analysis. We can't prove any of this. Blood tests and DNA from the semen would have proved it.

"I'm sure you've guessed that I believe I am one of the women they have raped. Like you, I cannot prove it. Unlike you, I still don't know who was involved. Ryan's words opened your hidden subconscious.

"I have to be careful enquiring into them as they are very powerful. From what I have found out, this group like to share and add to their collection of sex abuse stories. They use the company's servers. The records of the pay offs are in the most secure servers at the Inverness site. All the companies computers and phones are identified when they access any of our servers. So any attempt to look would be spotted. In any case you cannot access those files as they are in a wired, not wireless system so access has to be in person. There are cameras throughout.

"The woman in charge, Ailsa is aware and would be happy to help crush them. She may have been a victim as well. Getting to that information is nigh on impossible. She receives SD cards from Ryan and others for input onto the wired servers. I suspect that these are accounts of their actions. Every month she downloads a particular set of files to SD cards and sends those to one person. I suspect he forwards the updates to the others. This titillates them all.

"Ailsa is covered by cameras all the time so she can't copy the SD cards before putting them in the system. She has to format the cards immediately before removing them. The system would show she hadn't and she would be liable to their wrath. With what they stand to lose, they would have her killed.

"I'm sorry, I can't give you what you need to at least help explain this to your girls. I'll always be there to support you if you need help. Call me if you wish to speak. I know how difficult it is to explain, to come to terms with when all you have are vague feelings, fleeting memories.

"I use a second phone, not linked to the firm, so call me on that. I suggest a second phone for yourself as well. Don't use a work phone or computer for anything connected with looking for evidence. Ryan had access to yours so you don't know what he may have hidden on it."

Brenda's words about the firm and their knowledge was stunning. Even with no proof it made sense. I finally saw a light ahead of me.

"I'm scheduled to be in Inverness for training over four days in three weeks' time. I'm all for finding this evidence if I can. Do you think Ailsa could provide details of the type of the CCTV cameras and how they are operated? How to know which files to access? I used to have a friend who knew how to programme them to avoid them seeing what she was up to. I'll approach her and beg for her help. She has sided with Michael as have all our friends.

"I won't get him or my girls back but at least I can give them the answer they are looking for."

Brenda cautioned, "Lesley, they are above the law. If you do something and get caught, they will rig charges against you or even worse. Ryan is such a bastard he could well try and kill you or more likely have you killed.. He'll believe the old boys network will get him off."

"Brenda," I sadly explained, "I've nothing to lose. I'm already dead. I've lost everyone from Michael, my girls, my family and friends. Death would be no different, just I wouldn't be here on my own, night after night in a living hell. At least they will have an answer to the question which has driven us even further apart. They need closure!"

Brenda saw how forlorn I was and understood my resolve to give closure to my family.

"I'll contact Ailsa and ask for the details you asked for. I hope it will help. Be aware, Ryan may be an amoral cunt but he knows something was triggered in you when he spoke. He will be wary of you. He will be watching you. You need to apologise and act as you have been doing. If he suspects you of looking beyond that you will be in real danger.

"Call me if you need anything."

We parted but spoke several times over the next few weeks. Her support helped me face the inevitable.

The following few weeks at work were fraught. I apologised to Ryan and asked for his forgiveness. I avoided any repetition of the words I had used hoping he'd think I'd forgotten them and the reason behind them. I appreciated him trying to support me but I was grieving the loss of my girls. They would not speak with me. I couldn't look at any new relationship at this time.

I don't know if he suspected, he never addressed those words either, but he kept his distance. I did nothing to show I had any spark of life within me. I locked my work phone in my drawer each night.

The first stage was to convince Ruth, the computer hacker nerd. I ambushed her. The exchange was as difficult as I suspected.

"Ruth, I need you help!"

"Why should I help you slut?" she angrily retorted.

"Ruth, I'm begging you, not for me but for Leanne and Audrey. Please give me a few minutes to explain. You can say no and I won't bother you again, I promise."

Her eyes were watching mine. She must have seen my despair. She finally nodded.

"I now have strong reason to believe I was drugged and someone has told me I'm not the first. It involves many senior people at my firm. They appear to record their exploits onto a secure server. I want to get access to those records in that server. If I could get at them, they would prove that. I then need to get those records to those outside who can nail them. I need that as in all likelihood I will be caught, whether within the secure area or just outside. If they find me, I know they will have no compulsion about having me killed.

"I know Michael, the girls, my family and friends are all lost to me. They need closure!

"If I'm killed, I will have lost nothing as I have lost everything. If I can take them down and help someone else from becoming the next me, I have to try. I need your help. I don't have the knowledge to break into their system.

"I have details of the system and how it works. Don't ask how! Please help me."

Ruth studied me for some time. I thought she was just going to tell me to fuck off when she said, "Okay, I couldn't see you ever cheating on Michael so what happened was a fucking earthquake. If you were drugged that would explain a lot. Fucking powerful men! I'll do it for Leanne and Audrey. I hope you succeed to bring those bastards down.

"How do you access those servers and the others?"

I gave her the plans which Brenda had supplied. "I can't use my works computer or phone as they have tokens which identify themselves. The files are on a wired, closed system so I need to get in. There are cameras there. I'm there in two weeks' time for four nights."

"I'll go through these and get back to you soon if it's possible."

I gave her my new mobile number and explained why I had a second phone. She asked for my works phone number. She would access it and check it for me. I gave her my login details. She said to change them after she had checked it.

At work, I went to HR and spoke about how to update all the various pensions, deductions and policies, I had for the family through the company. I used my divorce as the reason.

I wanted to assign the cash values to the girls but was shocked to see that if I died, my pension pot would only pay out 25% to the girls. The only way to give them it all was to cash it in now and use a trust fund to avoid paying tax on it. I did that. I couldn't change the life insurance to pay them as they were under eighteen. I spoke with my mum and arranged for her to be the beneficiary. She would ensure the girls got it. My request shocked her as she asked if I was ill. I thought "as if you fucking care!" I told her no, I just wanted to ensure smooth sailing should anything happen to me. When the girls turned eighteen I would change it to them.

I saw my solicitor and drew up a new will. Basically everything went to the girls. My mum was furious when I said there was to be no funeral. She was quiet when I said, who will go to a slut, whore's funeral. I have no friends. I didn't mention no family but her reaction showed she understood it included dad and her.

Ruth called me halfway through the next week. I spent Sunday morning with her. No wonder Brenda had thought it impossible. Very long story short, get access through a non-firm computer, upload a programme which would give me control of the cameras (they would record the same twenty minutes again which would show the usual occurrences) while I accessed the wired system. I needed multiple SD cards. Ruth gave me a super-fast encrypted satellite phone to upload the data as soon as I was out of the room. It had serious level encryption. I would send it to Brenda, David and myself. If I died, they would receive letters with details of how to open the files.

Ruth said my works phone recorded my calls and to whom. It sent a report to someone in Bristol. She was fairly sure it wasn't listening in when I was not on the phone but to be aware.

When I got home, my mum surprised me. It was the first good news in months. "Lesley, Leanne has asked me to ask you if you would consider making that dress you were going to make for her dance. She has looked for one but can't find one. Would you make the dress?"

I told her, "I would be happy to but I would need to go to the house as my sewing machine and worktables are there. Leanne would have to be with me so I could adjust the pattern for her. I am away next week so we would have to do it now as I would not have time before that dance otherwise. The material and everything is there. I doubt if Michael and the girls are willing for me to be there? If they allow it I promise I won't overstay my welcome."

Mum said, "Michael said you would say that. That sewing machine cabinet/table took long enough to build and he can't see a way to get it out to bring here. They will co-operate to help you."

"Call them and confirm, I can get started this afternoon if Leanne is free."

So I found myself outside my former home. My heart was racing, my palms sweaty. I was scared, scared of my own family! The neighbours curtains were certainly twitching at the spectacle of the whore getting sent away with a flea in her ear. I could almost hear the jaws drop when Leanne allowed me into the house. I almost dropped in surprise as well.

Michael watched on as we went into what had been my sanctuary where I went to recharge myself. I had loved craft work. He used the garage. To say our conversation was stilted was to imply we managed to speak. We struggled.

Leanne was wary of what to say to me so I explained, "Leanne, I will always love you, Audrey and your dad. I think I know what happened and I'm trying to get the proof you all need. I know I cannot repair the damage. If you ever need my help, just ask. I don't ask for your friendship or love in return. To know I've helped you is enough.

"Let's just concentrate on your dress, not the reason for me no longer being here. We'll have to speak, so let's work together like old times.

"We'll lay out the pattern and material first. Then we will need to check your true measurements."

Audrey seemed to be always bringing us drinks. She was wary to begin with but later she was smiling at me. That was a first in a long time. We exchanged a few words without falling out.

The afternoon flew by. I was surprised when Audrey came down to say their dinner was ready. I said I would stay and mark up the material as Leanne had her dinner. I was shocked when Audrey said, "Dad's made enough for you as well."

Although I seldom ate more than once a day, if that, I accepted the offer. It would have been churlish to refuse. I'm sure he saw I had lost quite a bit of weight. It wasn't the best dinner together we ever had; in fact, it was probably the worst. The atmosphere was tense to say the least. Michael's cooking had improved and I commented on that.

It was after nine pm when I had finished the marking up and cutting out. Leanne and I pinned it and she tried it on. It needed a few slight adjustments but she would look fantastic.

I asked Michael what time everyone would be home tomorrow as I would come over and begin stitching the dress together. I had a couple of items I needed to get to help finish it but would get them during my lunch break. He gave me a house key and said, "You finish before I do and Leanne and Audrey have their hockey practice. We'll be about 6.30pm. We get a burger from the local burger house."

I said I would probably be here but don't bother with a meal for me. I'll pick something up if I'm hungry.

By Wednesday evening, the dress was finished. Leanne modelled it and got "Wow's" from both her dad and Audrey. I persuaded Leanne to allow me to pick her up on the Saturday and take her to get some more adult style lingerie which would boost her self-esteem. Not slutty but good quality lingerie which supports and covers. I explained why to Michael, expecting a bad reaction but he concurred. I returned the house key.

That Saturday morning was almost like old times. My mum came with us. Leanne appeared interested in some very risqué stuff but we overruled her. I think she just did it tongue in cheek to wind me up. She'd seen some of mine. She was excited at what she ended up with. More adult than child but still protective. When she had pointed the risqué stuff out, I thought about the times I had worn such lingerie to excite Michael. It seemed ages ago now.

What had I lost; for what, why?

We went for a coffee and cake. I surprised her with another gift. I gave her a spikey bottle stopper. It allowed her to drink but stopped anyone putting something into her drink, spike it. She had to be aware there were unscrupulous people who did that. She had to think safety first. I gave her a few for her friends as well.

After we dropped her off, mum asked about the bottle stoppers. I only said, "I wish I had had one of those!" Her face was a picture. Maybe she would come to genuinely understand the meaning later.

Before I left for Inverness, I told her there was an envelope to be delivered to David should anything happen to me and another to be sent to my only friend. She wanted to know more but I explained I couldn't tell her for her own safety. She looked worried. More worried than she had for the last eight months about me, the slut, the whore!

I travelled to Inverness excited at what I might find. I was also very sad. I would probably never see my girls again. I treasured those few hours I had had with them. I was reconciled to the fact I would probably be caught, if I could even get in. Brenda had left me in no doubt I would end up either in jail or more probably dead as if I talked, some shit would stick. I only hoped I managed to do it and be able to use the satellite phone link before I was caught and stopped.