It Wasn’t What It Seemed

Michael was happy when he saw Leanne being Leanne. When he glanced at me, I saw a sadness. We never had a moment alone so we could speak. I knew we needed to; the psychiatrist had advised the counselling. I didn't know what to say to him.

I knew that any relationship I developed with the girls had to include Michael. I wouldn't exclude him.

The next day, just after lunch, Michael appeared. My parents left us alone. From that, I understood this had been prearranged.

Michael looked very concerned and sad. I thought he was going to slam the door on the girls and me being together. I braced myself for that news. His words and the tone stunned me. He was so sad.

"Lesley, I have to apologise for everything I did. I know that that will never be enough. Until the moment, I saw you on that bed, I didn't have one second of doubt that you would never cheat on me. If I had taken ten more seconds to think, to smell, to step fully into the room I would have known you were drugged, not drunk. I would have called the Police and Ryan would be in jail.

"I leapt to a conclusion, so at odds with what I knew about you. Instead of helping you, I took photographs of what I had found which I'm ashamed to say I forwarded to your parents as they wouldn't believe me.

"My reaction set off the girls reaction. We cut you off. When the forced meetings were hurting the girls, you did the Lesley thing, you put the girls first.

"Every time our paths crossed, the need to know why meant we just became angrier at each other. You at me for not believing you didn't know and me at you because you wouldn't tell me.

"When David told me what you had done, the probable cost to yourself, just to make sure the girls and I had closure. You preferred death because I had taken away any life you had. I felt I couldn't feel any lower.

"I was wrong. David added there was to be no funeral. "The slut, whore has no family or friends." That simple profound statement of fact broke me. I was responsible and you had fought that bastard off, you weren't a slut, a whore. You were the woman I had married and had thrown away because I wouldn't speak to her and listen. I threw your character aside without a second glance. You've never lied to me so why didn't I accept your word?

"I won't ask for your forgiveness because what I did was unforgiveable. I only hope we can at least build enough of a relationship to be able to be there for our girls. They need to have their two parents to help guide them. They need you in their lives."

I took a few minutes to collect my thoughts. Michael's face showed he was expecting a full on Lesley fury assault.

"Michael, we can't focus only on what has happened since that fucking day. My psychiatrist tweaked out why I did what I did after that day, even to my preferred ending, my death. I was hooked on two horns of the same dilemma. Why? I didn't know. Without that there was no closure for you, for me. Forgiveness? I couldn't forgive myself so I couldn't ask you or the girls for forgiveness.

"Michael forgive yourself. Put it in the past. It was suggested we have family counselling and seeing how the girls are struggling I think it would help. I think you need help as well. Every night I was alone here I wanted us to be back together but I now know that's not possible because we both have changed. What we had is gone.

"When Ryan was at my home, I never expected to be here today. I'm ashamed to say I never thought about the impact my death would have on the girls.

"I want to be there to help guide them. We need to help them but as I'm told, to do that I must look after my own wellbeing. You are the same.

"Wherever we go, how our relationship develops, it has to be for the right reasons, not because we feel guilt over what has happened and how we handled it. Today hopefully marks the start of a process on building that new relationship.

"I have spent months with the pain of not knowing why I destroyed us. The pain of not being believed was worse. I felt worthless. With help, I shall hopefully rediscover my true self. You have been similarly affected. You have to rediscover the Michael everyone loves, not the one who was filled with hate.

"We will have an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. Where it will go, I don't know. If we rediscover what we had in a different way and that leads to becoming lovers and partners, that will be good for us all. If at the end, we are only friends, that at least will be good for the girls. We certainly won't rekindle our love if we drag this millstone with us everywhere we go. We all need to address how what has happened has affected our feelings, deal with our concerns, rebuild ourselves. We may need sessions together as a couple as well as family. Individual sessions as well. It will take work.

"I have never been so tearful but the psychiatrist says these are the ones I wouldn't let go before. I need to let them go so don't worry if you say something and I cry. It may not be obvious to me why either.

"If we find ourselves, then we may find each other again."

Michael nodded, a weary one. "I accept the need for counselling, to help us all. I can do one thing and I shall. I shall make everyone aware that you did not cheat on me and how you fought that bastard. You shouldn't be shunned when you were the one who fought for our marriage. I ran away when you needed me most!

"I won't forget the past, not dwell on it but learn. I hope that we can end up in a good place."

We talked some more about the girls. I learned Michael had been dreading having to help Leanne or Audrey buy underwear. I laughed. He brought me up to date with Audrey's treatment. It was almost like old times but the warmth wasn't there, the fun we had telling stories about them wasn't there. Would it ever be there again?

When he asked about me, I said, "Another time." I still wasn't through processing why I wasn't dead.

Michael left after about forty minutes. I was tired out. We didn't kiss or cuddle. Best of all we hadn't fought.

I knew I still had to speak with my parents and think about starting rebuilding a new relationship with them. Was that even possible?

I knew all of this would be difficult but there was a small light at the end of the tunnel. The journey to there was just beginning. Did I have the will or the strength?