It Wasn’t What It Seemed

"You fucking bitch. Do you know what you've done?" He was bloody angry and looking around to confirm I was alone. He spotted the decoys Ruth had placed and pulled them out. "I'll kill you and get away with it as we are the people in charge. You may hurt some but we'll survive. We always do."

I tried to appear calm, "I'm surprised Ryan. I didn't think you had the balls for actually killing someone. I mean a three and a half inch excuse. You couldn't fuck me when I was comatose. What perverted pleasure did you and those arseholes get from raping drugged women? Was that the only way they didn't laugh at your little dicks?"

I think that hit a nerve as he took out a knife. "Are you going to plead for your life?" he asked.

"No. I'm already dead. I lost everyone I cared about because of you. Killing me will only stop me being lonely. You'll die in jail. Your little bum hole will be much bigger very soon."

I laughed and he began coming towards me. I wasn't going to defend myself. I wanted to die. I was actually smiling.

Just when I was expecting the kill blow, I heard my dad's voice, "Drop the knife or I'll shoot!"

Ryan turned and saw my dad with his shotgun. He went towards dad who warned him again. As he ran at dad, dad fired. Ryan flew halfway across the room.

"Dad, Dad are you alright," I shouted. Dad was holding me. I was crying so hard. Mum came in and spoke to dad. I collapsed. I came round to find the paramedics around me. The Police were speaking with dad. They were going to arrest him. I told them the whole thing was recorded. Speak with Ruth she'll tell you were to look.

I passed out again. I'm told I did that quite a few times, come round and pass out.

I was told later that they did contact Ruth who told them the locations of the cameras she had placed in and around the house. They inserted the SD card from the main one in that room into my computer. The whole thing didn't look any better on there apparently. Mum was already in shock but when she saw what had happened she had hugged dad and cried. She was saying "I could have lost you both!" repeatedly.

The detective apparently said, "a clear case of self-defence."

I found myself in an ambulance with wires sticking out from everywhere it seemed. I had trouble breathing and concentrating on anything. I was still coming and going, so I didn't have any recollection of being long in the hospital before I was knocked out with something. I was in a total state of collapse apparently. I was told later that the recording showed the psychiatrists I was a danger to myself so they had me sedated for several days.

When I came round my mum was there. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me awake. My first word was "Dad?"

"Your dad's fine. He's just stepped out as he'd been sitting for a few hours. We've all been so worried about you. Your heart rate has been so erratic. They feared you might have a stroke or a heart attack. They think it's because you are so underweight. I knew you had lost weight but not so much. Why?"

"I had no interest in eating. I had no interest in anything. I had lost everything I cherished. Why did I want to live?"

Mum sobbed, "Lesley, we judged you. We never listened to you. We should have. We never thought you would ever cheat on Michael. But those photos he sent us." She couldn't continue.

I changed the subject, "How did Dad know to come to the annex?"

"David had called and warned us you were in danger and to watch out for you. Your dad asked how much danger? David said someone may try and kill you. We were stunned. Despite what we did to you, we do love you. Dad took out his shotgun. I won't look at his clay pigeon hobby as an excuse for a drink anymore."

At that dad came back in. He had a big smile on his face. "I'm glad to see you're awake. I have to answer texts from Leanne and Audrey every five bloody minutes asking about you. How are you?"

I thought for a few moments, "I'm not sure. I wasn't expecting to be here. I'm glad you're alright. I couldn't believe it when you appeared. How did it go with the Police?"

"We weren't allowed in beside you for two days while they kept you deeply sedated. You were fighting that. I gave them a statement and they are quite happy with that. The recordings helped obviously.

"Michael came round with David and the girls. They told us all about what had happened to you. How you had discovered it and broken into their secret files to expose them. The Police are rounding them all up. The media are all over it. Some of the names are household ones.

"Since being allowed in beside you, your mother and I have been here all the time we're allowed. If your mother wasn't here it was Leanne. Michael asked to be kept updated. He's supporting Audrey who's a mess. She took the news of what happened very badly. She didn't want to lose you. We didn't know she slipped out to the annex. The blood splattered across the room caused her to scream and we ran to her. She was shaking so bad."

I began crying, "How could I have been so selfish? Not consider how my death would impact on my girls?"

Mum held me.

A nurse came and asked them to leave. I was to have lunch and therapy. They could come back after 2.30pm. I didn't want to let my mum go. The nurse was very sympathetic. "Okay your mum can stay. She can help you eat."

That was the first step towards recovery. It's still an ongoing process. The psychiatrist was very good. The therapy dwelled on why I had wanted to die. She managed to get me to speak about what had happened, how I reacted to being ostracised from my family and friends. I had bottled up so much of the pain. The fact that no one believed me made me feel worthless, question those relationships. Over many sessions through the next ten days, she helped me realise that it could be possible to rebuild those, they would be different though.

While the sexual assault was important, it wasn't that which drove me to seek answers. It was my not knowing why; why had I allowed it, who was it, what caused me to be unfaithful. These thoughts had triggered all my emotional responses. My not knowing didn't allow me to find any peace. I couldn't see why I would cheat and because I couldn't, I could never rest until I found out why. I needed to know. My family needed to know for closure. These were the reasons behind why I took on what appeared to be a suicidal mission to find those files.

She went on, "Now you know the truth, you can focus on rebuilding your self-worth. You've shown a lot of courage, determination and resolve to complete that task. You've shown that you aren't worthless." I wasn't convinced.

When she asked about Ryan and his attack on me, "Why didn't I defend myself?"

I explained, "I was happy knowing I was about to die as I knew I hadn't been unfaithful to Michael. As I had no life it would be a release from my pain and the loathing from my family."

She smiled, "Being unfaithful and not knowing why defined you. You never sought forgiveness as you never forgave yourself. Now you have the answer to both your questions. You weren't unfaithful and you know why you were in that room. Your girls, your parents and Michael all know the truth. You can rebuild those relationships if you wish or stay alone. I hope you will care enough about yourself to allow yourself to love again."

I shook my head, "I don't know if I can. I've still lost Michael. I'm sorry to say that through all of this, wanting to die, I never thought about the impact on my girls. Audrey has been very distraught I'm told. Leanne is coping but how well? I want to build a new relationship with them if we can. I shall try to stay positive. I realise it won't be easy. I won't look to die anytime soon."

She said quietly, "Audrey is being helped by a colleague who's very good with her. She had the same Why question as you but came up with a different answer, you didn't want them in your life," I was shocked. "After learning what you did to give them the answer. It showed her how much you loved them after all. To almost lose you without repairing what you had destroyed her. She's coming along well.

"You need time, the trauma is still very raw. As they say Rome wasn't built in a day, recovering you, the Lesley before this happened will take time. Don't try and run until you can walk. There will be stumbles. Let us help. Let others help when you need it. Scream at times when it gets too much, don't bottle it up."

I nodded though it was all a bit much to take in, "I'll do whatever you suggest to help them."

"I think we are coming close to an agreement that you can leave the hospital. I think I would suggest that you have family counselling. It won't be easy but it should help create a way for you all to move forward. Whether together or as different units, time will tell.

"Michael hasn't spoken with anyone as far as I am aware. He has been obsessed with helping your girls. The media have been all over your family. Your dad's a hero to many, saving his daughter.

"The men you exposed are not enjoying being in the limelight. I suggest you don't do media interviews. Have your solicitor handle that. Focus on your recovery and that of the girls."

I nodded, "I never wanted to be famous or now infamous. The slut, the whore. I just wanted to be a mum to my girls and a wife to Michael. I'll try the family counselling so I can be there for them if they need me. There are so many broken relationships to rebuild."

She continued, "We'll still have our meetings as we have a lot to cover as your answers showed. You are not a slut or a whore but you still think of yourself as one. We need to work on that. Being focussed on your girls is fine, up to a point, but you also need to focus on your own wellbeing. You cannot help them if you are not well.

"You may feel it's bad news but you will be released into the care of your parents. This is so they can help ensure you eat, come to therapy and begin rebuilding yourself. It's not mandatory so if circumstances change and you wish to live with Michael and the girls and they do as well, that can happen. You need support as well as they do.

"Your mum has been working with the nutritionist to ensure you eat well. Not overeat but to recover your strength. You'll be able to go home tomorrow."

I thought, "Home. Where is that?"

Michael:

The weeks seemed to drag. David contacted me and told me that today was the day. He would let Lesley know so she could prepare herself. I was beside myself with worry. I was at the school early for the girls to make sure they were safe. I didn't know what to do about Lesley. Would she be safe?

My phone went about 8.00 pm. It was Doreen. She told me briefly what had happened. I was shocked that John had killed Ryan to prevent him killing Lesley. That was my job! John was alright but Lesley was being taken to the hospital. Her heartbeat was erratic. The paramedics were really concerned for her. She would keep me informed as the ambulance was leaving.

I told the girls who were shocked and so concerned. I said I would explain everything later but we had to hope for their mum to survive. We hugged all night as we listened for the phone. Doreen to her credit kept us updated. Every call added to my guilt. Lesley was not well, physically or mentally. It was after midnight when they left the hospital. Lesley had been sedated but was fighting it.

The next afternoon, David, the girls and I went to their home to explain everything. The looks on her parents faces, the incredulous looks on the girls faces, when David told them everything Lesley had done to find out why she had been in that hotel room.

David had been informed by his Police friend, they had recovered a file in Ryan's home which gave his planning for Lesley's abduction and his plans for her. Lesley had fought him off. He was furious at her for that. He had kept her pubic hair and had it in a tribute to her. He had been planning to try again.

Doreen was crying hard, the sobs coming from the very depth of her being, "I never believed her not knowing. I called her a slut, a whore, a liar. She was struggling. Every time we clashed over that; I saw her pain deepen. I knew she was hurting but couldn't bring myself to help her for what she had done willingly. She hadn't. She'll never be able to forgive me. She'll hate me forever with good reason.

"She was starving herself to death. She is so underweight. That's why they think her heart is erratic. She was wanting to die; she had lost everyone she cared about. When she did her new will, she said no funeral. She had no friends. She never said family but I knew she included us in that. I failed her, my own daughter."

Leanne piped up, "When she first spoke with me on that Sunday, she said she thought she knew what had happened but she was looking for the proof for us. Us! The only time she ate with us was on the Sunday, Audrey invited her to or else she wouldn't have eaten anything. The spikey bottle stoppers were to prevent what she suspected had happened to her. Why didn't she tell us? It would have changed everything, wouldn't it?"

I was crying. I said, "It's all my fault. I saw Lesley and assumed she was drunk. Instead of checking her I took those bloody photos and made sure everyone was against her because of her betrayal. Now I know I should have done what I never did. As a loving husband, I should have checked Lesley. I had never believed her capable of cheating on me so why did I not check her over? If I had, I would have found her drugged and events would be so different. She'll hate me forever."

We were all in our own world of pain for our roles in this. It was a little while after this, we heard Audrey scream. It tore the fabric of my heart; it was so primeval. No one had seen her leave and head to the annex. I ran to her. I have never seen anyone so distraught. The tears were flowing like a river. She was lying in the foetal position on the floor. She was hugging herself shaking to her core. All she could scream was, "MUM!" repeatedly. The pain behind it cut through you.

Our GP came out and sedated her. He arranged an urgent appointment for her with a psychiatrist. I suppose being on many of the front pages, helps you get bumped up lists. I was present for those sessions as she is only 13.

It was heart breaking listening to her reveal how she couldn't cope with the mum she knew, Lesley, the caring, warm, loving person who told her stories, helped her with homework, advised her, her friend and confidant and the slut Lesley, the whore, I'd called her. How could this be the same person? The fact she wouldn't tell her why she did it, denying knowing why made her even more conflicted. Mum always told the truth so why wouldn't she? Did she not want them and couldn't face having to tell them that? When she saw Lesley helping Leanne with the dress, she saw her mum not the whore. Who was the true Lesley?

When she heard that her mum was happy to die because we had all left her, she broke down. She had gone to the annex because she didn't think seeing it would be as bad as the vision her mind was playing of the incident. Seeing the blood splattered everywhere was too much.

She realised how close she had been to losing her mum and collapsed.

It took quite a few sessions before our Audrey slowly began reappearing. She had been so low, so withdrawn. For a thirteen year old she had grasped far more quickly than I had, that Lesley had only thought about giving us the answer we sought. She had been willing to die to give us closure. Her mum loved us all.

She now understood she still loved her mum and the thought of losing her before she could tell her had overwhelmed her.

I felt even more miserable. I had failed Lesley and our girls. I wanted to see her but I knew she wouldn't want to see me. Would seeing me set her back? Doreen kept me updated. Leanne saw Lesley a few times as well. These had been very tearful for both.

The psychiatrist mentioned family counselling to help us all build a new relationship. Leanne and Audrey were all for it. She could tell my reluctance. We had a discussion without the girls being present. I finally agreed though I doubted if Lesley would be willing. I knew if this situation had been reversed, I wouldn't.

Lesley:

Mum and Dad took me home from the hospital to their house. She had brought some of my things from the annex and put them in my old room. I hoped that didn't include the dildos and vibrators. There are some things I didn't want my mum to know about me. She explained she needed to keep an eye on me to ensure I was eating. Okay I had been a difficult patient in the hospital but really to call that food. I was three stone and a bit underweight, just hovering on 6 stone, so I needed to put most of it back on. When I was at an acceptable weight, I could move back to the annex if I wished.

Mum started crying, "Lesley, I can't take back the very hurtful words I said to you. Why I never believed you not knowing is etched on my mind. You've never lied to us apart from what you and Michael got up to on your dates. You've always stood up for the truth. You taught the girls that. The circumstances don't excuse me. I railroaded your dad; I withdrew my favours until he saw sense. I drove you away when you needed us most to be there for you. I know you'll never be able to forgive me. I do love you!"

I began crying. I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't understand why. Mum and I hugging and crying. I cried myself out. We had held each other throughout.

When I stood back, I saw her blouse was see through. She saw me looking. She dismissed it, "Your dad entered me in a wet 'T Shirt' competition once. I didn't wear a bra. I came second." She blushed.

Dad laughed, "You'd have come last wearing a bra like that. You have pretty ones you could wear occasionally!" Mum's look shut him up.

I wasn't quite forced fed but it was close. I was tired and went to rest on my bed. I didn't sleep so I heard Mum on the phone to what I presumed was Michael and the girls. I knew I needed to respond to mum's statement but I didn't know how. What did I want? I did drift off to sleep.

I was awakened by the sound of voices coming from the living room. I made my way downstairs. I stopped when I saw Michael and the girls. I was about to turn and go back when Audrey saw me and raced towards me. She grabbed me and hugged me like there was no tomorrow. I hugged her back and the tears just flew from my eyes. I was so happy so why was I crying?

When I appreciated that Audrey was crying as well, I tried to help her. "It's alright Audrey, we'll be fine." My words just seemed to make her worse. I looked at the others for help but they didn't know the correct words either.

We ended hugging together on the settee. Leanne looked like she wanted to join us so I opened my other arm and she snuggled in as well. We were all crying. I was trying to tell them I loved them and would always be there if they needed me. Audrey found her voice, "I love you mum. I thought I'd lost you and I would never be able to say that to you again. I love you!"

I broke down completely. I held them both so tightly, I'm sure I hurt them. I couldn't see anybody for the tears. It took a while for all the sobbing and crying to stop. Mum was in the kitchen. Dad and Michael were helping her.

Soon we were all sitting at the table. Another meal. I looked at mine. Mum knew I didn't like spinach.

"Lesley, you will find some foods you don't particularly like on your plate. Not to poison you but because they are highly beneficial for your health. Spinach is full of iron as your blood count is so low."

Have you ever eaten a meal when every bite is watched from the plate to your mouth? "Okay, I'll eat it but eat your own!"

After the meal, Leanne regaled us all with stories from the dance. Her friends had been so impressed with her dress. They thought her mum and gran were so cool for helping with that. She and her friends used the spikey bottle stoppers. Their parents thought they were a brilliant idea.