It's Not Cheating If...

He shrugged. "Just been reading some about it and it's been on my mind."

I wondered at that. I thought about a certain human sexuality professor and wondered if perhaps discussions with her had brought it to the forefront of his mind again. I told myself I was being paranoid but I couldn't quite shake the notion that someone had gotten him going on the subject.

I realized he was still talking and refocused my attention.

Aiden touched my leg. "It might not be so bad. Maybe if we just ease into it. I promise, I'll be gentle and go slow."

I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Do I need to return your ring?"

His eyes shot up. "What?"

"Aiden, look at me." I made sure we were looking in each other's eyes. I wanted him to see how serious I was. "I will probably never be ready for anal sex. Never. If it's that big of a deal, I'll let you go so you can find some who's willing."

I left unsaid that I knew it was possible, sometime in the future, I might be comfortable enough to try again. Who knows how I'd feel in ten years? The memories and triggers could fade and I might feel secure enough to risk it. But it was equally likely I wouldn't and I didn't want to give him false hope.

Aiden stared at me. "I want you, Marie. I love you."

He reached for me but I pulled back and rose from the bed. "I'm going to spend the night at my place."

"You don't have to do that."

"I think I do. You need to decide what's matters most to you: me, or this thing you want to try."

"It's you."

"No," I said, with a head shake. I reached for my shirt. "I want you to really think about it. Please. Be absolutely honest with yourself. Don't contact me until tomorrow. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

With obvious reluctance, he nodded.

I dressed, bent over the bed, and gave him a soft, tender kiss on his lips. I whispered, "Call me tomorrow if you've made up your mind."

My memory of the drive home was a little hazy but I was proud of myself. I didn't cry. Instead, a blanket of melancholy settled over my mind as I pondered that I might have just said goodbye to the best man I'd ever met.

Kelsey glanced up when I came in the door. She smirked at me. "Hey. I thought you were at Aiden's getting your—" She stopped and her face tightened. "Marie? What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that." She stood. "What'd he do?"

It was useless to hide it. I told her.

Kelsey's reaction did not inspire confidence. "That son of a bitch."

"No, he's not."

"He tries to talk you into that, after knowing what happened to you? No, he's beyond a son of a bitch."

"Kels, please, I don't want to fight. He just has to make a decision. Either way, I'll respect it."

She led me to the couch, sat with me, and put an arm around my shoulder. "Well, if he chooses anal sex over you, he's an idiot."

I chuckled.

She hugged me and said, "I was just getting ready to make some popcorn and spool up a movie. You want some?"

"Sure. What movie?"

"I don't know. What would you like?"

I laughed. "Anything but romance."

Kelsey grinned. "I can do that."

We watched an action-adventure about a professional archaeologist who dug up some occult-ish artifacts, fought dinosaurs and smugglers, and saved the world. Kelsey was in near-hysterics. "She did all that with those forty-double-dees, and no bra? You can tell a guy wrote this."

"Yeah," I said, adding my laughter to hers.

Still, it was a fun movie and took my mind off things for a while. It was almost midnight when we finished. She said, "You want start another one?"

"Nah, I'm gonna call it a night." I stood and stretched. She did the same. "Kels ... thanks."

She hugged me. "You bet."

I headed for room and changed into shorts and a tee shirt. I was just about to climb into bed when I heard a knock at the front door.

Kelsey emerged from her room at the same time I did. "Who the hell is that?"

"I don't know." I hefted the Louisville Slugger I kept behind my bedroom door. "But let's see."

I went too to the door and glanced through the peephole. My breath caught in my throat. I undid the latch and opened it. "Aiden, I asked you to wait until tomorrow."

"It's four minutes after midnight. It is tomorrow."

"But—"

"Marie, I don't need to think about it. I want you."

"You sure?"

"Yes. The other ... I don't need it."

I put the bat on the couch and wrapped my arms around his waist. The comforting feel of his arms around my back alleviated my stress and worry. I glanced at Kelsey, who stood glowering in her bedroom doorway. She caught my look and despite her obvious anger, retreated to her room and shut the door.

"Aiden?"

"Yes?"

"Can you promise me you'll never bring this up again? Please?"

He hesitated but said, "Yes. I promise."

"Okay." I placed my head on his chest, relieved. All was right with the world again.

Until it wasn't.

#

The lies we tell ourselves. Some of the time, it's just a matter of not having the information and you remain blissfully ignorant. At others, it's a gradual creep, where you make excuse after excuse, even when it's right in your face, so you don't have to face reality and you can bury your head in the sand.

I'd like to say I was the former, that I lied to myself because I didn't have all the facts. That could be excused as ignorance. But it was really the latter. Was I being a coward? Ignoring something so that I didn't have to face it? I suppose in some ways, I was.

Aiden and I had enjoyed Thanksgiving with my family, and Christmas with his. Things had been relaxed and smooth, and everyone had gotten along. Towards the end of the winter break, I'd noticed Aiden acting a little distracted. I asked him what was on his mind and he chalked it up to thinking about things that had to be done once the spring semester fired up again.

We got back to school and got started—him teaching and me with my classwork. I should have been excited; it was my last term before graduation. I was not only track to get my degree on time but I'd already been accepted into the master's program. Dove Valley was eager to have me. Dr. Chavez had already made me her unofficial deputy and was slowly ceding more and more of her duties to me. I was developing ongoing rapport with the kids and families. Everything was going well.

Yet I couldn't escape that nagging voice in the back of my mind.

Aiden and I settled into a good routine. We were able to eat lunch a few times a week. I spent every night at his apartment and every weekend, we'd take a little time to figure out a few things for the wedding. We settled on a date of July first, picked a registration pattern, all that jazz. We made love or had sex at least three nights a week.

It was a gradual thing. At first, it was a missed phone call, then running ten minutes late to meet for lunch, then not being able to join me at all. Then he told me one night he had an early morning and asked me to stay at my own apartment. He broke our weekend plans. Even our sex life slowed down. I was shocked the night I reached for him and, with a guilty look on his face, Aiden told me he was too tired and rolled away.

My brain cataloged each of these incidents, sorted them, filed them. My subconscious built the scenario and laid the groundwork even though I didn't want to admit to myself.

Believe me, for a psychologist to realize that they're in denial is a staggering, unpleasant discovery. I should have known better, that I was deceiving myself. But I didn't. I told myself he wouldn't do that to me. He couldn't.

I almost believed it.

It was a month after the semester started—nearly three months after our fateful conversation before Thanksgiving. I went to Aiden's office to see if he wanted to eat lunch, like I did on most Wednesdays and Fridays. We'd been doing that less and less.

He was at his desk, head down as he scribbled away on some paper. I smiled. Even with my misgivings, just the sight of him made my heart flutter. I raised my hand to knock on the door frame to get his attention but before I could, a scent drifted past me—a slight hint of jasmine.

I froze. Everything fell into place.

Aiden chose that moment to raise his head. He smiled. "Hey, babe. Come for lunch?"

Suddenly I wanted to be out there—to be anywhere but there in the confines of his office with him and that cloying, aggravating scent.

He cocked his head. "Want to go down to Taso's for a gyro?"

"Uh, yeah, that's why I stopped but I just remembered, I have to be somewhere."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I told Katie Brown I would help her with her biology homework today. Sorry, I'll have to take a rain check."

When I turned to go, Aiden stood. "Marie? Everything all right?"

I closed my eyes for a moment. The concern in his voice was genuine, which made it hurt even more. "Yeah," I said without turning, "just fine."

I hurried out before he said anything further.

I drove home in a daze and let myself in. I only made it as far as the living room before I collapsed on the couch and stared at the far wall. I have no idea how long I sat there but it must have been several hours because the next thing I knew, I heard Kelsey's voice, "Marie? You okay?"

I shook my head.

She dropped her bookbag and rushed to my side. "Sweetie, what is it?"

I told her.

Kelsey thought for a moment. "Are you absolutely sure? You don't want to make this kind of mistake."

"I'm sure."

"How can you be?"

"After Bennett Smithson, I started listening to my instincts. My gut hasn't misled me since."

Her voice was a whisper. "What are you going to do?"

"Bust him. And when I do ..." Tears filled my eyes and I angrily wiped them away. I promised myself I wouldn't cry until I was sure and it was all over.

Aiden called that evening. When I told him I had something to do and wouldn't able to come to his place, he was surprised but didn't push too hard. I knew why.

I was already sitting in Kelsey's car in the parking lot of his apartment building when we disconnected. I figured I wouldn't have to wait long and I didn't. Less than ten minutes later, I saw him exit the building and get in his own car. I worried he might spot me but it was dark, he didn't know Kelsey's car as well as mine, and, I suspect, he was eager to get where he was going.

Following Aiden turned out to be very easy, since I kind of knew where he was headed.

He pulled into a condo parking lot and into a reserved spot. He got out and went straight to the door. I wasn't surprised at who answered.

Aiden went in. I sat in the car for thirty minutes and hoped that would be enough time. Each minute was agonizing and my brain shrieked that I needed to get out and stop it if I could. I quashed the notion. Stopping it was pointless, since this had clearly been going on for some time.

Once the half-hour passed, I got out and plodded to the front door. My heart pounded in my chest and my palms were slick with cold sweat. I climbed onto the porch and paused. I wanted to run, to leave without seeing what was behind the door.

My lip curled. I needed to see it.

I raised a fist and hammered on the door three times. The thudding boom was surprisingly loud. I waited twenty seconds and did it again.

I heard the rasp of metal against metal and the clatter as the deadbolt slid back. The door pulled open.

She wore a loose-fitting short robe, open at the throat. Her hair was already mussed and her skin flushed with exertion and excitement. Even though it made my soul ache to see it, I took note of the red marks on her neck and upper chest. Her eyes held a hint of triumph.

"Thank you for that, at least," I said.

"For what?"

"For having the decency to put something on."

Her laugh grated on my ears. It was a thin, evil sound.

I squared my shoulders. "Dr. Hancock, why don't you just go get him, so we can get this over with?"

She raised one eyebrow. "Why should I?"

"Because I'm not leaving until you do. Oh, I'm sure you can call the police and have me arrested. But I'll make a scene. Do you really want all your neighbors knowing your business?"

Her eyes narrowed and she glared at me, as if she was weighing her options. I kept my hands at my sides, though the sheer malevolence in her tone caused them to curl into fists.

A satisfied grin spread over her lips. She raised her voice. "Lover, could you come here, please?"

Aiden and I locked eyes as soon as he stepped around the corner. He didn't have on a shirt and was in the process of zipping his pants up. He stopped in place and stared at me.

I had known what I was going to see. That didn't make my heart break any less. Despite my resolution, a single tear trickled down my cheek.

Aiden blinked. "Marie ... it's not what it looks like."

"No," I said in a quavering voice. "It's exactly what it looks like."

I flicked my eyes at Hancock. She folded her arms and smirked. I realized she didn't give a shit if the neighbors knew her business. She'd called Aiden to the door just so she could savor the pain it would inflict on me.

Her contempt stiffened my spine. Without taking my eyes from Aiden's, I raised my hand, tugged my ring from my finger, and dropped it on the porch. I heard it clank and bounce. "You all enjoy your evening."

I turned and walked towards the car.

"Marie!"

I kept going. I heard the slap of running feet behind me and I tensed.

Aiden reached me and grabbed my arm. "Marie, wait!"

I wrenched my arm from his grasp. My voice was a guttural hiss. "Don't you fucking touch me."

"Wait just a minute. Let me explain."

"No need, I saw it all."

I reached for the door handle but Aiden thrust his body between me and the car door. "Marie, you have to listen."

I looked him in the eye. "No I don't. Get out of my way."

"Not until you listen."

"Fuck off."

"I wasn't cheating."

"Bullshit. You took what was just between us and tainted it, forever. That's cheating."

He shook his head. "I didn't take anything from you. Amelia and me, we only had anal sex."

I blinked. "Say what?"

"I only did her in the ass. It's not cheating if it's in the ass."

I stared at him a moment before I burst out laughing. My whole body shook and tears of laughter clouded my vision.

Aiden stared at me, uncertainty written on his face.

At last, my laughter tapered to a few random giggles. "Oh, sorry. That was hilarious."

"It's true."

"Sure it is." I stared into his eyes. With my laughter past, my logical mind reasserted itself. "You're going to try and tell me you and she never kissed? You never stroked each other or touched each other's bodies? Neither of you went down on the other? You didn't share anything special, huh? Even if you never went cock-in-pussy—which I don't believe—you don't think all the rest was special between us?"

He didn't answer me.

I nodded. "That's what I thought."

"But—"

"Aiden, just stop while you have some shred of your dignity left." I gestured to the porch where Amelia Hancock still watched with an amused expression. "Run on back. Maybe the good professor can give you another round. Besides, if you haven't fucked her straight, there's nothing stopping you now."

"Marie, we have to talk about this."

"No, we don't. I'm going home."

Aiden put his hand on the door handle. "Not until you hear me out."

My eyes narrowed. "You told me once that you've never been in a fight. My brothers did teach me how to fight. Unless you want to end up with your balls shoved in your mouth, move."

I think he could tell by the tone of my voice that the situation had moved beyond his ability to spin it. He stepped aside.

I got in Kelsey's car, started it, and rolled down the window. "I'll leave it up to you to tell your family what happened. I'd recommend the truth, since if they ask me, I'm going to be honest. And I think you can forget about going fishing with Dad. In fact, I'd avoid him for the rest of your life."

"Marie—"

"Goodbye, Aiden."

I drove away. The momentary adrenaline of the confrontation faded, leaving behind nothing but numbness.

Kelsey was waiting when I got home. She took one look at me and wrapped me in a bear hug. "I'm sorry, Marie."

At once, all of my control failed.

I collapsed on the floor and wept.

#

Life goes on.

I called my family the next day to tell them the wedding was off. I didn't go into details but I let them know what had happened. Paul, Allen, and Jonathan offered to come down to school and grab Aiden for a "friendly chat"—which meant they were going to put him in the hospital. I chuckled at their offer but told everyone to just stay home.

Mom's snuffles echoed across the line. "Sweetheart, are you sure I can't come see you?"

"Mom, you have a house full of men there who need you to keep them straight. I promise, I'll be fine."

Even as I said it, I knew I would. I'd cried myself to sleep the night before with Kelsey holding me. When I'd woken that morning, the pain and ache had receded, almost as if my tears had washed them away. Thoughts of Aiden still brought pangs of loss of and regret. I knew they would for a while. And yes, I still loved him. I wasn't someone who could turn off a strong emotion with the flick of a switch.

But at the same time, I knew I'd endure. I'd been straight with him. I'd put in the effort to make him happy. His cheating was on him, not me, and I wasn't going to shoulder the emotional burden of it.

That thought made me smile a little. I guess all that psychology education paid off.

Still, it hurt. Thinking you're 'forever,' only to find you're not even 'until tomorrow' stings.

I thought walking the corridors of Seay Hall would feel a little different but I felt at ease. The following Monday, I went about my normal class routine. I rounded a corner and saw him in deep conversation with another professor. My heartbeat sped up but I wasn't about to flee. I walked past him without a word.

A moment later, he was at my side. "Marie, can we talk?"

I kept my voice calm. "We have nothing to discuss."

"Yes, we do."

"The time to discuss anything was before you made your choice."

"Marie, please. Just five minutes."

"I said no."

"Please." He stepped in front of me. His lip quivered.

I frowned at him, actually a little annoyed. His begging was unbecoming. Had he always been like this and in the throes of my love I just hadn't noticed? Or was my distaste amplifying my perception? I said, "I'm on my way to see Doctor Mangal about my post-graduate work. Do you remember what she told me last year in her office? That if my interface with you ever became something I didn't want, that I should let her know. Remember that?"

He paled.

"Since I'm already going there, do I need to tell her anything?"

"Uhm, no." He refused to meet my gaze and stepped aside.

"Have a nice day."

I walked away. When I glanced back, he had shuffled away, head down and shoulders slumped. I guess I should have had some shameful joy at seeing him in pain but I didn't. I just wished neither of us had to hurt.

I met with Mangal. After class, I drove to the Dove Valley and gave Dr. Chavez a brief summary of what had happened. She offered her apologies and wanted to know if I needed time off.

I said, "I appreciate that but I just want to work."

I found one of the interns I knew from school—a sophomore named Hannah—with seven-year-old Ben, one of my favorite kids. His mother left him at an interstate rest stop when he was three and drove away. Even though he'd been adopted by some good folks, he had horrible abandonment and insecurity issues. I'd met his parents and sketched out a plan that I thought would help him. It had been going very well.

The moment he spotted me, Ben ran over. He clutched an illustrated book in both hands. "Marie! Can I read to you?"