It's Not Cheating If...

Hannah and I shared a smile. I sat. "Sure, buddy. Hop up here."

He and I worked on reading for about a half-hour, while Hannah and two other interns played with a handful of the other children. In terms of confidence, Ben had progressed a lot in the last year and when he finished the slender book, I said, "Good job, Ben. You're coming along so well with your reading."

He threw his arms around my neck. I smiled and patted his back.

The rumble of a loud engine broke my attention. I glanced through the front window. A red sports car careened into the parking lot and squealed to a halt.

"About time," I muttered. I gently lifted Ben from my lap. "You go with Hannah for a few minutes, okay? We'll read some more later."

"Okay." He took Hannah's hand in his own.

Hannah flicked her eyes at the window. A tall, angry woman with dark hair threw open the car door and trotted towards the center's entrance. She looked back to me. "Marie? Is everything okay?"

"Sure." I took a deep breath. "You and Presley take the kids to the cafeteria. It's about snack time for them, anyway. Laura, you stay please."

Hannah and Presley shared a tense glance but herded the kids to the back.

Laura stayed where she was. Her expression and fidgeting hands bespoke her nervousness.

No sooner had my coworkers gotten kids out than the woman reached the front door. She flung it open and lunged inside. Her blazing eyes fell on me and her hands curled into fists. "You bitch."

"Professor Hancock. What brings you to Dove Valley today?"

"You told Mangal what happened."

"I merely informed Doctor Mangal that Professor Siginelli and I were no longer engaged. When she inquired as to the reason, I told her the truth. Why?"

"The truth? That you can't fuck your man well enough to keep him?"

Laura's eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

I shrugged. "I suppose. Your point?"

Amelia paced in front of me. "Mangal told me she wouldn't be taking any official action but she'd make sure I never sat on a good committee and got the bottom of the barrel when it comes to grants. When I asked her why, she said coming between an engaged couple was unethical. As if that bitch has any idea what the word 'ethics' means!"

"Your career issues are not my problem."

Her lips pulled into a snarl. She slapped me.

I fell. My hip banged on a table, sending a painful jolt up my side, which hurt far worse than her slap. I chuckled to myself; my brothers had hit me a lot harder than that, just roughhousing. I made a production of collapsing to the floor.

Okay, I admit, I played it up a little. The security cameras recording the activity room wouldn't know that.

I climbed to my feet, noting that Laura still stood to the side, watching with white-faced astonishment. I faced Hancock and kept my hands at my sides. "All better now?"

She drew back to hit me again.

I blocked her swing with my my forearm and fired two quick jabs into her face. Crimson splashed from her nose. I'm sure it hurt her but I think what was more satisfying than anything was the look on her face. It was one of absolute shock.

I followed up with a solid punch to her gut.

Hanock folded and fell retching to the floor.

I glanced at Laura. "You saw it all. She hit me first and I didn't defend myself until she tried again."

Laura pointed. "Marie, your lip."

I touched my mouth. A light stinging sensation radiated through my cheek and streaks of blood coated my fingertips. "It's nothing. Call the police."

#

The term came and went. My graduation was almost an anti-climax. I walked across the stage and took my diploma, to the raucous cheers of four burly men and one proud woman. My smile was by no means forced as I wandered back to my seat. I was thrilled. I'd done it.

My gaze wandered into the reaches of the bleachers. I thought I saw Aiden there but when I got back to my chair and looked again, he was gone.

I started working full-time at Dove Valley two days later. Kelsey tried to get me to beg off, to take some down time and enjoy myself. I had merely smiled at her and said, "Kels, when I'm with those kids, I do enjoy myself."

We still lived together, more out of camaraderie than need. She'd started her master's program that summer. Mine was not due to start until the fall.

The university entered a partnership with Dove Valley's parent organization to launch several more development centers, using Dove Valley as a prototype for organization and treatment methodology. I'd only been partially involved but Dr. Mangal seemed to like me, so Dr. Chavez made me the liaison with the university. Mangal was quite giddy at the prestige involved in the ambitious scope of the project. I'm sure the multi-million dollar federal grant didn't hurt.

I'd just left Mangal's office when I ran into him. He nodded. "Hello, Marie."

"Aiden."

"Can we talk for a moment?"

I nodded.

He led me to the faculty lounge, which was deserted. We stepped inside and he closed the door behind me. I stood and waited.

"Marie, first of all, I want to say I'm sorry."

"Okay."

"I didn't know Amelia would come attack you."

"How did it start?"

He blinked at my blunt tone. "Uh, we shared some professional stories, talked about our class outlines some, textbooks we're using. I know you asked me to stay away from her but she seemed on the up-and-up and kept things professional."

"They always do at first."

"I know that now." Aiden hesitated. "How did you find out?"

"My gut told me. Too many missed lunches, too many un-returned phone calls. You turned me down for sex."

"I did?"

"Yes. By itself, that would have meant nothing but with everything else, I could tell something was wrong. Then I walked in here that day and caught a whiff of her perfume. I knew then for sure." I cocked my head. "Didn't it bother you to lie to me?"

He flushed. "I wasn't lying. If you had asked, I would have told you that she and I were talking."

I scoffed. "Nice try, Aiden. A lie of omission is still a lie, especially since you already knew I didn't trust her. Okay, you became friends. Go on."

"She and I got close enough that I ... I expressed my frustration over your unwillingness to, uhm ..."

"Really, Aiden?" I hoped my voice reflected my disgust and disappointment. "You were talking to other people about our sex life? And not just your best guy friend or something but to a woman I already warned you wanted to have sex with you herself? And you didn't think that would be a problem?"

"Yeah," he said. He lowered his eyes to the floor. "I really thought I could do it just a few times and get it out of my system. I rationalized that I wasn't taking anything from you, since you weren't interested."

I said nothing.

He looked at me again. "Marie, is there any way? I mean, I still love you."

If someone had asked me in advance, I would have expected those words to infuriate me. Instead, all I felt was a twinge of regretful sadness. "No."

"But—"

"I loved you with no reservation. I gave you my whole heart. I wanted to be your wife, to take my place by your side. I would have been your partner against the world, your hard-working professional woman that made you proud, the fiercely protective mama-wolf to your children, and your slut in the bedroom. I gave you all I had. There was only one thing I wouldn't do for you." My eyes misted. "And that one thing was more important to you than everything I could be."

His voice lowered to a whisper. "It wasn't."

"You actions say otherwise."

"It looks that way but really, I was curious. I just wanted to see what it was like. I didn't want to go through my whole life without ever trying it. It was sex, not love. I didn't love her. I love you."

"Aiden, I'll always love you some. You may say love me but you were willing to risk our love. You had to know how I would react if I discovered you stepping out. On some level you thought that was an acceptable risk, which tells me our relationship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me. I'd never deliberately put our love in danger, no matter how slight the chance. Any risk would be too much. You gambled our relationship, which tells me you were willing to lose it—and my self-respect won't let me stay with you in that case."

His face crumbled with every word. "Marie ..."

I patted his forearm. "Take care of yourself, Aiden."

In the end, that's just what he did. He took a job at another university on the west coast. I heard through the grapevine that he'd eventually gotten married and had a kid. I didn't begrudge him any happiness. I hoped he was more honest with his wife than he had been with me, or with himself.

Amelia Hancock left as well. I'm sure she saw the handwriting on the wall and that Geetha Mangal, as the department head, had numerous ways to make her life miserable. Professors and universities being what they are, Hancock screwing a fellow faculty member and breaking up that member's relationship would not have prevented her from getting another good job. A felony arrest for an unprovoked assault on a staff member at a center for developmentally-challenged children—while children were present, and in front of a witness and all caught on the center's security footage—was a different matter. The blackball started rolling. Last I heard, she was teaching at some community college in Florida.

As for me?

Well, I finished my two years of school and got my masters. I wrote my thesis on stimulating creativity in the child mind and implications for further development and it was well received by the review board. The doctoral review committee took me into their program without hesitation. Dr. Chavez stayed on at Dove Valley in the advisory capacity but we went days without her dropping in. When I asked why she'd become so scarce, she merely shrugged and said, "I don't think I need to be here every day. You've got this."

I'd cultivated a careful relationship with not only the children and parents of Dove Valley but my relationship with the university stayed as strong as ever. New centers, modeled after what we were doing there, were up and running, and already experiencing some success. I loved my kids and took all the time I could to be with them.

I didn't date those two years. I didn't go out and get laid. I didn't even masturbate all that much. It was like my presence as a sexual being had gotten so entwined in my relationship with Aiden that when we split, it took my libido with it.

Kelsey tried to encourage me to go out but I didn't feel it. I had offers—for dates and for sport sex—but I passed up all of them. The idea of getting rammed by some hot guy I had no connection with—which was once so appealing and delicious—now sounded hollow and tawdry. And I had zero interest in a relationship.

Kelsey expressed her concern. "You know I'm just worried about you, right?"

"I know. Don't be. I'm not depressed. I'm still pretty happy and I haven't stopped doing the things I like doing. I just ... don't want to get involved with anyone right now."

"Marie, things with Aiden were hard but I know you." She gave me a crooked grin. "You aren't going to be truly happy until you've got the family your folks had and you won't find it sitting around here."

"Maybe but I'm just not ready, you know? I want to concentrate on myself and work for now."

Kelsey let it go but I knew she was still concerned.

I head echoes of the same thing when I spoke to my family. My dad, of all people, asked me during one of our phone calls, "Are you dating again?"

I hesitated. "Not yet."

"Well, you know that love you've wanted forever? You're not going to find it moping around in your apartment."

"Have you been talking to Kelsey? She said almost the same thing."

His raspy laugh rolled through the line. "I knew I liked her." His voice became serious again. "Marie, your mother and I talked. We don't want to interfere but we care about you and we're worried. You're making us proud as ever in school and with your career but I know how much you want children and I can hear it your voice when you talk about the kids at your job. You sound so happy and at the same time, so sad. You're lonely, honey. We can tell."

"Dad, that's more words than you've said in one breath for years."

"I hope I didn't waste them."

"Dad, I'm not really moping. I'm fine, I promise. I still do stuff with my friends and I'm pretty satisfied with my life overall. When I'm ready, I'll know."

"Just don't shut yourself off, okay?"

"I won't." And I didn't think I would. I just didn't know when things would change.

Six months to the day I'd been awarded my masters found me out at our annual 5-K run/walk for Dove Valley. I loved the event, just to see all my kids happy and doing something positive. We'd organized a big ice cream party when for the children and their families when the race ended. Hannah, who'd graduated the spring before and become invaluable at the center, was everywhere, barking orders like the drill sergeant she was and kept everything running smoothly, so I was able to just mingle with the families and enjoy myself.

I spotted Jenny, one of my new girls. Now six, she was almost four before she uttered her first words. Getting a full conversation from her, after just a few weeks of treatment, was one of my most cherished accomplishments. When she saw me, she shrieked in delight and ran to me, hugging my leg. I patted her head and smiled.

A nice-looking guy in his late-twenties approached. About five-ten, with dark blond hair, a trim body, and an open, handsome face. "Oh, I'm sorry about that. She can be overly affectionate."

"It's fine. I love Jenny, she's wonderful."

"Are you one of the interns at Dove Valley?"

I raised my eyebrows. "I'm the director. Marie Wilson."

He winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I'm Jenny's dad, Brian."

Brian extended his hand. I shook it. His grip was warm.

"It's fine," I said. "Most parents don't expect someone my age."

"I also apologize for not coming by to meet you yet. I've been running ragged trying to cope with some other issues."

"I understand." I recalled the woman who always brought Jenny to the center. "I assume that's her mother that drops her off?"

Brian's face darkened. "No, that's Beth, my sister. Jenny's mom isn't—" His eyes flicked to his daughter, who, even as she held my legs, watched him intently. "She isn't around at the moment."

"I see."

"Hannah tells me I have you to thank for opening Jenny's vocabulary."

I grinned, bent, and hugged the girl. "Not me. That's all your little girl. She's so smart."

Jenny giggled. "Daddy. I want ice cream."

He gazed at her fondly. "Not yet, sweetie. Soon, after the race."

"Okay." She disengaged from me and ran over to two of the other girls in the program.

Brian watched her go and I watched him. His love for his daughter was evident. After a moment, he moved his gaze to me, caught me watching him, and offered a tentative smile.

I smiled back. My gaze traced the contours of his face, the broad set of his shoulders and slender waist ... and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt a stir of arousal. I groped down, deep into my instincts, searching for something wrong.

My inner sense reflected calm and comfort, which was more than it had done with Aiden. Stammering, I said, "Jenny really has been a delight."

"I wish her mother thought so."

"I don't understand."

"She decided she wanted to start her life over, with a new man." Anger laced his voice. "She left and tried to take business, my house, and my soul with her. The last few weeks were rough but I think I've just about fended her off now. Your people should have a copy of the restraining order."

"We do." I remember reading the two names—Beth and Brian Lancaster—as the only ones allowed to pick up Jenny. The similar last name had thrown me, which is why I thought it was his wife. "I'm sorry to hear about all the turmoil. That must have been hard on Jenny."

Brian blinked. The muscles in his face relaxed and the hard edge fell out of his voice. "Sorry for sounding bitter. I try not to let it get to me too much and to put on a happy face every day—for Jenny's sake, if nothing else."

"It must have been quite a bad break up."

"Let's just say it wasn't good. But how good could a cheating spouse be?"

"Believe me, Brian, I understand."

"Are you married?"

"I almost was. Married to my job now."

He peered at me and nodded thoughtfully. "Well, if you wouldn't mind stepping out on that marriage, could I invite you for a cup of coffee sometime?"

Brian must have seen the look on my face because he quickly added, "Sorry, that was a bad joke. I have to inject some humor into my life or it would just get overwhelming."

"I get that. Sure, I can probably break away for coffee some time."

His answering grin made my knees weak and my groin tingle. "I'd like that. I never say no to another friend."

I bit my lip.

"Daddy!" Jenny called.

"Duty calls. Can we talk some more later?"

"Sure."

Brian turned towards his daughter.

I couldn't help myself. I glanced at his butt as he walked away. It looked as tasty as the rest of him.

I allowed myself one final smile. As I said, life goes on. I think it was about time for me to rejoin the land of the living.

END

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