It's Not What You Think

It's Not What You Think

Disclaimer: Everyone engaging in sex is over 18. No resemblance to anyone living or dead is intended or implied.

Eddie sat alone at his table slowly chewing his steak. He wasn't supposed to be alone, but his friend was a volunteer firefighter and had been paged for a call out before they could even order.

He swallowed and sawed off another bite. The standard joke was, 'The steaks weren't that good at Lou's, but they were big'.

But you couldn't really be choosy about fine dining options in a town of 5,000 people tucked away in the Northwoods of Minnesota, so here he was in Lou's Bar and Grill.

The town had seen a little excitement this week. A Hollywood film crew was here doing location shots for a new sitcom. They had even come by his dojang and had him sign a release form to use his storefront in some of the shots.

He was happy to do so for several reasons. One, more publicity usually translated into more business for him. Two, more publicity would mean more tourists and more money in the town. Three, the star of the show was his boyhood man-crush.

Luke Finney was two years older than Eddie so that made him twenty-two now. He had been a child star on a popular kid's network. The show was called I Object, he played a child prodigy who was a lawyer at twelve and solved murders, always making the adults look like fools.

Luke had dropped off the radar when he was sixteen. The publicity was that he was stressed out and just taking some time off. Six years is a long time out of the spotlight for an actor. It appeared he was coming back now as the star of a sitcom that takes place at a resort in the deep woods.

The waitress had just taken his empty plate and brought him a refill of Diet Coke when three men came into the bar. The short one hesitated, took a quick look around then headed for the men's room. The other two followed him.

Jesus, Eddie thought to himself, that looked like it could be Luke Finney. If it were him, he hadn't changed much. He certainly hadn't gotten much taller, about five foot seven maybe. It was funny how a lot of good actors were short. Tom Cruise, Dustin Hoffman, Daniel Radcliffe, Johnny Galecki were all five foot seven or under. Maybe it was that Napoleonic Complex thing that made them work so hard and be so good.

Eddie toyed with his pop, waiting for the young man to come out of the restroom. A couple minutes later he heard what sounded like a metal toilet stall door crashing open.

Frowning he got up and went to take a look. He pushed open the door and found one of the men holding the short guy up while the other one was giving him a good working over.

"Hey, what the hell, leave him alone," he shouted. The one doing the holding said, "Just walk away man, this isn't any of your business."

"Fuck you, I said leave him alone."

The man turned to hit him, and Eddie dropped him with a kick to the leg, as he started to go down, he gave him another to the head. The holder pushed his victim at Eddie and tried to make it past him to the door.

Eddie caught the victim, then as the holder went by, reverse kicked him into the wall. Grabbing him by the hair he slammed the man's head into the tiled wall. He made sure they were both out of action and turned his attention to the man he was holding up with one arm.

"Hey dude, are you OK?" Eddie asked. "Come over to the sink and let me have a look."

The man was nearly out of it, Eddie had to hold him up. He pulled some paper towels out of the dispenser, after wetting them he started to mop the blood from the guy's face. There was a nasty cut above one eye and another across his nose. One cheek was swollen, and he would have two black eyes by morning.

Eddie pressed the towel against his head trying to get the bleeding stopped and asked the guy if he was hurt anywhere else.

The man mumbled, "Stomach and my crotch. Who are you?"

"Just a not so good Samaritan, Luke."

"How do you know my name?"

Eddie laughed, "Every Saturday afternoon for four years dude, that's how."

"I need to go before the police come. And the press, they can't see me like this," Luke said nearly panicking.

"Hey, take it easy. We'll get you to a doctor and get you stitched up."

"No way, no doctors. Doctors might tell secrets."

"OK then, how about back to your place. Where are you staying?"

"In a motorhome in a vacant lot, the whole crew is around. Can't go there. Too many people. You got a place?"

"Yeah, I have a safe place but that won't get stitches in you."

"Worry about that later, get me out of here now, please."

Luke was starting to get woozy and Eddie was concerned about shock and a concussion.

Someone tried to open the door, but it hit the body lying there.

"Eddie, you in there?" came Lou's voice.

"Yeah Lou, a little trouble. No biggie. I need like a jacket and a hat to cover someone up and get them out of here unnoticed. What do you have?"

"Hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

Eddie said, "Luke, can you stand on your own?"

When Luke nodded, he told him, "I have to get that guy away from the door so we can open it. Just hang in there, man."

Lou pushed tentatively on the door and when it moved, he slipped in, then leaned on the door to keep anyone else from coming in. He handed Eddie a hoodie explaining, "From the lost and found box. I shut the emergency alarm off for the door at the end of the hall."

"Thanks Lou, I owe you a couple."

"And you can be damn sure I'm going to collect too," he said smiling.

"Help me get this on him, then check to see if it's clear."

Someone tried to push the door open and Lou yelled, "Use the ladies, we have a plumbing problem in here."

Eddie and Lou got the hoodie on him and zipped it up. Eddie pulled the hood up then tightened the drawstring.

With a nod of satisfaction at their handiwork Lou cracked the door open and had a look. Swinging the door open he gave Eddie a wave.

There were down the hall and out into the parking lot in a heartbeat.

"My truck is over there," Eddie said. "Can you make it?"

"Yeah, I think I can."

He got Luke in the pickup and went around the front and got in. As they started out of the lot the Sheriff's car was pulling in.

"Put your head down," Eddie told Luke.

Luke kind of fell sideways on the bench seat of the old pickup and had his head on Eddie's leg. Eddie waved and smiled at the deputy then pulled onto the highway.

He said, "You can sit up now."

"If you don't mind I kind of like this. My stomach doesn't hurt as bad lying down."

"Nah, you're good. We've got about ten miles to go yet."

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up in front of the old lodge. Eddie parked and went around to help Luke get into the house.

He got one of the huge double doors open then guided Luke to a large rustic table and into a chair.

Luke was looking around the huge room and asked, "What the hell is this place?"

"My great grandfather built it in the twenties. This is the main lodge of the resort. It has six guest rooms. There are eight cabins spread out along the shore and in the woods. Resorts like this went out of fashion in the eighties and they closed it. The family kept it and put it in a trust. I live here as the caretaker." Eddie explained, "Let's get that hoodie off and see how bad you look."

"I don't hurt as bad, but I hurt in a different way, if that makes any sense," Luke told him.

"Oh yeah, it makes sense, trust me. As someone who teaches Taekwondo, I get my fair share of kicks and punches. The pain is sharp at first, then as your body gets used to the pain, or you tell your body to ignore the pain, it changes to what I call healing pain. It hurts just enough to remind you not to overdo it quite yet."

"If you can believe it, this is the first time I have ever had more than a simple bump or bruise."

Eddie grinned and said, "Either a very safe life or a lucky one."

"Cowardly and non-confrontational more than anything," replied Luke.

Luke filled a basin with warm water and brought it to the table with some clean towels. Being as gentle as he could he got all the dried blood off then tenderly probed Luke's nose and cheeks. Luke winced a few times but otherwise just sat there while Eddie worked on him.

"So, what's the verdict doc," he asked when Eddie had straightened up.

"That's just it, I'm not a doctor. I think your nose is broken, but it's not out of place. Your cheekbones seem to be badly bruised but not broken. You will definitely need about eight or ten stitches on your head. The good news is they will be in your eyebrow so no visible scars. The cut on your nose will heal by itself. Noses and ears tend to do that."

"Sounds like you know what you're talking about. Are you sure you can't sew me up?"

"With what, monofilament line and a fishing hook?" he asked.

"Look, I can't go to a doctor, OK?" he said. "If the media get ahold of this, the network will cancel the show. I need this show to get back in the business. I was a mess for six years and I'm just now getting my life back together."

Eddie stared at him for a minute then picked up the phone.

"Hey dickhead, you got a suture kit from the ambulance handy?" he asked whoever answered.

"Cool, get your ass to the lodge. By yourself and don't tell anyone where you're going."

The other person must have asked what was going on.

Eddie replied, "Just for once in your miserable existence, do what the fuck I tell you, Chad."

He listened for a moment then laughed, "No, you don't listen to me, butt munch. Get out here."

Luke had a frown on his face and said, "From that conversation you either love him or hate him, I can't tell which."

"Both of those emotions actually, sometimes at the same time," he joked. "No, I love him all the time. Didn't you ever have a buddy like that?"

"Never. I did my first commercial at six and I was home schooled, well tutored really, after that. I was never around other kids except on a set. Most of the time I was competing against them, so I never made friends.

"Jesus, that sounds like a horrible way to grow up."

"Yeah well, by the time I was sixteen I had ten million bucks in the bank, and I retired," Luke said.

"Oh really? And how has that worked out for you?" Eddie asked innocently.

"Screw you, asshole," he said chuckling. "It worked fine until my parents pissed it all away and I wound up living in a third-floor walkup in Pasadena."

"Well, maybe this new show will get you back on your feet. Did you get rid of your parents?"

"Yes, I did, I haven't spoken to them in over four years. So, what's your story? You said something about karate?"

"No, pay attention. I said I teach Taekwondo. Karate is mostly hitting, Taekwondo is mostly kicking," Eddie explained.

"I guess you learn something new every day. I never knew there was a difference. You have a place in town?"

"Yeah, it's on Main Street in an old store. I usually have ten to twelve students. The owner can't find another renter. He's letting me use the place for paying the utilities and taxes. I make enough to buy beans and bologna."

"Yes, but you get to live in this cool place. I can't wait to see it in the daylight," Luke said.

"So, are you hungry, thirsty?" Eddie asked.

"I don't suppose I could have a PB&J could I?"

"Grape or apricot jelly?"

"I have never tried apricot jelly," Luke said, "but it sounds delish."

"One PB & apricot coming up. I hope you don't mind homemade sourdough bread."

"Shit, if you have homemade sour dough, the hell with the rest of that stuff," Luke exclaimed.

Eddie cut him a thick slice and put it on a paper plate and pushed it over to him with a knife and the butter.

"Holy shit, did you make this bread, man?"

'Sure," he said, pointing to a bowl on the counter with a cloth over it. "That is my starter, I got it from my grandmother. It's over forty years old now."

Luke polished off his bread just as Eddie handed him his sandwich and a glass of milk.

Luke was licking his fingers off when Eddie's friend Chad pulled up and parked. He reached into the back seat and brought out a small carryall bag.

Eddie said, "This guy was the reason I was at Lou's tonight. We were supposed to eat together but he is on the volunteer fire department and got a call."

Chad came in and said, "So, what's with the secrecy bit, are you hiding Al Capone out here or something?"

He glanced at Luke then did a classic double take. He pointed at Luke and said, "You're Luke Finney."

"Yes, I know," Luke said smiling.

"OK, this is all falling into place here now. We were on the way back from that accident call out and we got another call for medical assistance at Lou's. When we got there, the deputy was talking to Lou and said it was a false alarm. Somebody had called in about two guys beating someone up or someone beating them up, no one was sure which. No bodies but a lot of blood in the men's can.

You weren't there so I figured you got tired of waiting and went home. I had just gotten to my place when you called and lo and behold two plus two does equal four."

"Luke this is my best friend Chad. He's going to fix you up and keep his mouth shut, right buddy?"

"Yeah, yeah, blow me. Bring that floor lamp over here Eddie. Tilt your head back so I can get a good look. If it weren't in your eyebrow, I'd just put surgical tape on it, but that won't work here."

He pulled on gloves and opened a sterile towel and a suture kit. In about ten minutes he was putting Betadine on the sutures and on Luke's nose.

That should do you. Get an icepack on it to hold the swelling down, no more than five minutes at a time." Chad said standing and stretching his back.

"Thank you," Luke said. "What do I owe you?"

After a bit of an awkward silence, Eddie said lightly, "Please don't insult my friend."

He turned to Chad and said, "I just found out he never had a friend, for sure not a friend like you."

"Well, hey, it looks like he has two now," Chad said smiling.

"OK, what's next?" Eddie said briskly. "I fed you, got you sewed up. I suppose you better call someone."

"Oh, no. I really don't want to do that. I can't afford any official contact with the producers or the network until these bruises fade."

"Well, you can't just not contact them. They'll think your dead or kidnapped or something, they'll be dredging the lake," Eddie said.

Chad wondered, "Can you tell them you met a girl, you ran away with her, you'll see them in Hollywood in two or three weeks?"

"That's not the worst story I've ever heard," Luke said thoughtfully. "Who am I supposed to have run off with? And to where?"

"Ah, hang on a minute," Chad said holding up a hand. "Here goes, she is eighteen, from... Illinois, hitchhiking to...a remote mountain cabin in Montana."

"That almost sounds stupid enough to work," Eddie told him.

"Fuck you, you come up with a story then."

"No guys, I think this could work. Actors are known for doing stupid, illogical things on a whim. Let's wait until tomorrow to call. I'll tell them we are in North Dakota. Shit, wait, she's hitchhiking, and I don't have a car."

"A truck driver picked you two up at the Cenex truck stop in Detroit Lakes," Eddie said excitedly.

"Brilliant, what else?" Luke said quickly.

Chad said, "That's it, don't say anything else. My pop always says the best lies are the simple ones."

"Right then, OK, don't say anything about a truck stop, they might go there and check to see if anyone saw you. Ah, the trucker picked you up on the highway," Eddie said triumphantly.

"OK, one thing left guys, where am I going to hide until my face looks normal?"

Chad looked at him strangely and said, "You aren't very bright sometimes, are you?"

"What Chad meant to say was that of course you are going to stay here. For as long as you need to."

"I guess Chad was right, I do have two friends now."

Chad got up and shook Luke's hand saying, "And on that happy note, I am out of here."

Luke and Eddie sat for a while then Eddie said, "I bet you want to hit the shower and get the rest of that blood washed off. I'll see if I can't find some of my old clothes that might fit you."

He showed Luke to his room and pointed out the bath saying, "Back when this place was built it was a luxury to have indoor plumbing at all. So, having to share with the people next door was not that much of an inconvenience. My room is at the end and I have my own bathroom. This one is all yours."

Luke nodded and went in the bathroom and closed the door.

Eddie went to his closet, after searching way in the back he found three shirts and two pair of pants that were impossibly small for him. For the umpteenth time he wondered why people kept clothes they were never going to wear again.

He got a couple pairs of socks from his dresser. His underwear was too big for Luke. He would have to go commando until Eddie washed the clothes he had on now. He carried everything down the hall and knocked.

"Yeah?" he heard Luke yell.

He said loudly, "I have some clothes for you. I'll leave them next to the sink."

He heard, "Sure OK, thanks."

He went in and put the clothes down on the vanity. He could only see a vague shape behind the opaque shower curtain. He picked up Luke's dirty clothes from the floor so he could get them in the washer.

He sprayed stain remover on the bloody shirt and pants and threw them in the washer. There was a cotton cloth, eight inches wide and all rolled up. He frowned wondering what that was. There were a few drops of blood on it, so he unrolled it to pretreat it. The cloth was about twelve feet long and when it got to the end a pale pink pair of underwear fell on the floor.

Eddie stooped to pick them up and saw they were women's panties, not men's underwear. He chuckled and threw them in the washer. Certainly not the strangest fetish he had ever heard of. He threw the long cloth in, added soap and started the machine.

He was sitting at the kitchen table reading when Luke came in wearing the clothes he had found.

Luke said, "Well, they fit. I don't know if I care for the style."

"They were all the rage eight years ago. I got my fashion sense from this kid named Luke Finney, maybe you've heard of him?"

With a straight face Luke replied, "Never heard of him, is he supposed to be someone famous?"

"I can see why you're an actor and not a comedian," Eddie told him.

Luke had his bath towel around his neck with the ends hanging down his chest. "You happen to have like, a sweatshirt or a jacket in almost my size, I have California thin blood."

"Sure, I can find something," Eddie said getting up and going into a closet near the front door.

He came out with a Carhartt work jacket. It had a couple of oil stains on it, but it looked warm.

"Thanks man, what is this made of? Is it like canvas?"

"Dude, have you never seen a Carhartt before?"

"By the look of it you wear them while doing physical labor or some shit like that. What would I know about that?"

Eddie smiled, "Never worked a day in his life this guy. Well, if you're going to be hiding out here for two or three weeks, you'll get your hands dirty, believe me."

"That sounds ominous, what are we talking about here?" he asked.

"Ever use a chainsaw? Ever chop wood? Weed a garden? Clean fish? Hell, you ever been fishing?"

"Let's see, no, no, no, no, no but I have ordered fish in a restaurant," Luke said smiling.

"Maybe we'll start with the fishing, it's hard to chop off a limb while fishing. Sounds like the washer is done, I'll throw your stuff in the dryer."

The next morning, they were on the pontoon boat just drifting along the lake shore and casting red and white spoons. Eddie didn't think Luke was up for live bait yet.

Eddie poured them more coffee from the thermos and asked. "If you don't mind me asking, why were those guys beating on you?"