It's a Wash Out

Winter 2022. Here in Australia, it's been cold, wet and miserable for months. This story fell out of that. I hope you like it.

===

"So, the Queen's Birthday weekend in June? I don't think a hike is a good idea, just in case the weather stays nasty." Blake tapped the pen on the table and looked at the others. "Camping in the snow wouldn't be a lot of fun either."

"What about down the east coast? It's always a bit warmer, and the rain hasn't been as bad." Jacki suggested. "We had a good time last time we were at that river mouth."

"True. But that was in summer, not the middle of winter," one of the others commented.

"You're a bunch of wusses. Geez, we're the Federated Uni Caving, Kayaking and 4WD club. What's a bit of rain?" Jacki stood and looked out the window to the quad. "We haven't gone anywhere for three months because 'it's too wet'. I just want to get out of town for a while."

Blake looked around at the dozen other members who bothered turning up. "Well, seeming you lot haven't got much to say, I'd say we head east like Jac suggested."

A murmur of consent rumbled around the room. Blake sighed. This was his last year at uni, and the FUCKa 4WD club was huge in his first year. Two years of COVID, and now astronomical fuel prices had practically killed the club. When he joined, a monthly trip away to somewhere remote was a highlight. Now, it was shunned for a night at the pub. He shot a withering glance at Tony, who had suggested precisely that. "We're not the Business Boozehounds. We should do our drinking away from pubs. Well, pubs around here anyway."

Blake shuffled his papers together and stood. "Ok, so after hanging shit on you lot for going to the local, I need a beer. Anyone else coming?"

===

Jacki plonked herself down in the seat beside Blake. "So, Blakey boy, is Princess Liz going camping with you? Gunna get some action, finally?"

"And 'Hi Blake, nice to see you' to you too." Blake took a sip of what the caf laughingly called coffee, then shrugged. "Firstly, yes. She's got the long weekend off and can't wait. Elisabeth - you know she hates being called Liz - loved the trip to Anglesea. Secondly, what we get up to is none of your business. I don't ask you about how Bray Bray does you, do I? Is he coming?"

Jacki's smile faded for a second. "Yeah, sorry. Poor taste. And there's a definite possibility of a firm maybe of Brayden coming. Depends on how his basketball team goes in the finals."

"Mmm. I have no idea how he fits in your Sierra, but I'm not taking you guys. You'll need to bend him in half or sit him in the back with his legs up front."

"Oh, it's not that bad. He fits, sort of. At least mine doesn't drink like your Rangie. That V8 is awesome, but it must cost a fortune to run."

"Yeah, well. That's why I don't smoke or go to the pub much. I need the money for petrol and oil." Blake glanced at his phone. "Better go. I've got a lecture in ten. See ya."

===

Blake scowled at the rain. And the lack of other cars from the club. And his warm Red Bull. And at the trees being bent sideways. And the empty passenger seat in his old Range Rover.

"Fuck," he said to the wind. "I knew this would happen. Bloody pikers." One by one the club members left messages making excuses for missing the weekend. The one that really hurt was Elisabeth. She'd cracked a couple of extra shifts at her work and couldn't afford to turn them down. Both being Uni students, he knew how handy the extra cash would be. She'd apologised profusely, but that didn't help his mood.

A high-pitched squeaky beep from a car horn broke his grey mood. He knew just from the sound it was Jac in her bright yellow Suzuki. It was the smallest car in the club and, he had to admit, one of the cutest and very capable. Jacki called it Manny Goat for good reason. She made it scramble up hills that others would shy away from. A face appeared at his passenger side window and Jacki jumped in the front seat.

"Shit, that weather is horrible. Sorry I'm late. Manny was being blown all over the road." She shook her dark hair and looked around the car park. "Are we it?"

Blake nodded. "Yup. Everyone else made up some excuse, and Elisabeth had to work. I was actually starting to wonder what happened to you. What happened to Bray? Basketball?"

"Yeah. That sucks for both of us." Jac pulled her phone out from the inside of her coat and opened the weather app. "Well, I had hoped the weather would magically change between home and here, but it's still going to be crap. What do you want to do? Go on or go home? I'm easy either way."

"I dunno now. I'd like to keep going, but it's not going to be a lot of fun just us two sitting in our tents watching the rain come down."

"Coin toss then?"

"Who has coins nowadays?"

"All right, funny bugger. Virtual coin toss. Heads home, tails go on. Ok?"

"Ok."

Jac found a website and tapped the screen. An image of a coin spun and showed tails. "Tails. We go."

"Fair enough. Do you want anything in the shop? I can toss Manny in the back while you grab something."

"Nah, all good arsehole. I may need to pee down the road, so I'll find a real shop. Can't think of anything I need, though."

"Righto then, you head off and I'll follow. It'll do wonders for my fuel economy."

Jac laughed and jumped back into Manny. Blake reversed out and followed the little 4WD down the highway. He now understood why it had taken Jac so long to get to this point. The wind buffeted the poor little car and its driver must have been constantly sawing at the steering wheel. He turned up the radio and settled back in his seat. The Rangie was much more settled on the road. It was big, it drank like a fish, but he liked it.

A hundred and eighty kilometres later, Manny's indicators flashed and Jac turned down a gravel forestry road, then pulled over. Blake pulled up beside her and wound down the window. "Glad the rain's finally eased off. I'll follow you in." Jac yelled.

Blake gave her a thumbs up and headed off. He knew why Jacki wanted him to go first. Last time, she'd come across roos nearly as tall as her car. Having one of those come through the windscreen would really ruin the weekend. He cracked open the window and took a deep breath. The smell of damp eucalyptus wafted into the cabin and he immediately relaxed. He loved that smell. As a kid, he'd always felt at home in the bush and that had influenced his career choice. Forestry management, hoping to get a job with the National Parks service somewhere in the bush.

The car slowly worked its way along the gradually narrowing track, the grill of the Suzi bouncing around in the rearview mirror. He was happy Jac had come. She could be a pain and opinionated, but they'd had some good robust discussions about all sorts of issues. She also loved the bush, which was a bonus. There were worse people to spend a weekend away with.

Blake pulled into a clearing near the river mouth and got out. "Well Jac, let's hope the rain stays away. It's not too bad at the moment," he said, stretching up.

"Yeah. I was getting real sick of it. Guess we'd better get the tents up before it decides to return." She looked over at the river mouth. "Sounds like the surf's really pounding. Don't think I'll be doing any body surfing."

"Never was on my plan." Blake studied the empty campsites, many with large puddles covering the area. "Bloody hell, between the puddles and overhanging limbs, there's not a lot of good spots, are there?"

"Nope," Jac said, critically eyeing the area. "Well, I think I'll set up near that fire pit and table. What about you?"

"Looks as good a spot as any. I'll go find some wood."

"There's a joke there..."

"Yeah, yeah. Funny bugger. Back soon."

Jac watched him disappear into the scrub, then pulled her hike tent out of Manny. She picked a spot closer to the ocean as she knew Blake snored like an asthmatic chainsaw. His noise would still reverberate around the clearing but she hoped the few meters gap would help the white noise of the sea tame it. Jac wondered how his girlfriend put up with it.

The darkness had rapidly closed in by the time she had her tent up and the gas stove on to boil a billy for coffee. Blake returned, his face as black as the gathering clouds.

"Hardly a fucking stick of wood anywhere. A few twigs and a couple of limbs, but nothing to keep going overnight." He dropped his meagre collection by the fire pit. "Even that pile of split logs that the Rangers left last time beside the dunny is gone."

"Well, that's a bugger. I was looking forward to sitting around the fire, having a drink and spinning shit. Here." She handed Blake a mug of coffee. "Sorry, I started on your tent but I couldn't get it up. I need your help."

Blake took a sip out of the enamel mug and grinned. "Ta, and shouldn't that be my line?"

"Maybe, but you should be saving it for Liz, not me. Ahh, hell no..." She looked west as the wind picked up and the rain came bucketing down on the roof over the table. "Knew it was too good to last."

Blake listened to the wind keening through the trees and shivered. "Yeah. I think I might sleep in the Rangie tonight. This isn't going to stop anytime soon."

They slumped on the seat and stared into the rain. "Can't believe it's 5:30 and pitch black already," grumbled Jackie. "Might as well have something to eat. What've you got?"

"Can of Irish stew. You?"

"Ugh, gross. I was going to do a couple of snags, but I think I'll just have a cup of noodles."

"And you think my stew is bad? I've got stout and port if you want a drink."

"Double ugh! Stout. I don't know how you can drink that muck. I'll stick to my UDL."

"Fair enough. Part of the reason why I drink it. I can leave it in the fridge at parties and be pretty sure no one will pinch it."

"Good point."

They dashed to their respective cars and grabbed what they needed. After they ate, the two sat beside each other and looked at the water filled fire pit.

"We should have stayed at home." Jackie sighed.

"I'm starting to think that. This shelter is doing fuck all. We may as well be sitting in the rain." Blake drank the rest of his stout. "I hate to admit defeat, but what about we move to the Rangie? I can set up my laptop on the dash and it's got a drive full of movies."

"Sounds like a plan. I'm getting cold."

"Jump into the passenger seat while I toss this lot in the back. My laptop's in the backpack."

Jac nodded and slid into the large leather seats and immediately relaxed. She was the first to hang shit on Blake for his choice of car but she had to admit the Poms knew how to make a luxury car seat. The Range Rover's had lost none of their comfort over the last twenty-five years.

"How's it going?" she asked Blake, who was rummaging around in the rear.

"Alright. Just getting some essentials for movie watching. Geez, it's wet out here. Your tent now has a moat around it."

"Great," Jacki muttered. Her eyebrows shot up at some of the movie titles Blake had on his laptop. "Blake, seriously? Why would you have this on here? You are a strange, strange man..."

Blake jumped into the driver's seat. "Umm, well. You know... I'm a guy and..."

Jac turned the screen around. "Danger Mouse?" she giggled. "You watch Danger Mouse? You really are a big kid aren't you?"

"I like cartoons," he protested. "You can't watch just serious or kaboom movies."

"Hmm. Maybe. Let's see what else is in here. Geez, you've downloaded a lot of stuff. Ooo. Caddyshack. That'll do." She handed Blake the laptop, who fixed it in a homemade cradle that hung off the dashboard.

He connected the power and the sound system cables. "There you go. No point in having ten speakers if you can't use them. Push the seat back if you want." He offered Jac a bag. "Chip?"

"Thanks. You know, this is pretty comfortable." She leaned forward and looked at her tent. Blake was right. She'd be swimming now. "Beats being outside or sitting in Manny."

"Yup. You can sleep in here if you want. I'm not going to bother trying to set up my tent." He pushed the go button for the video and settled back. After a few minutes, he asked if Jac wanted a drink. She nodded.

"Port or stout? I forgot to grab your UDLs."

Jac screwed up her nose. "Port, if I have to."

"You should like this one. Sweet, raisiny, and has a decent kick. A good camping drink. Also cheap." He reached into the back seat area and half filled two large enamel mugs. "Better around a fire, but ah well..."

"Ta." Jac took a sip. "Actually, that's not bad. I could get used to that."

"Way cheaper than your shit and it's much more drinkable. My opinion, of course."

They watched the movie in silence, the rain pounding on the roof. Jac removed her jacket and windcheater, commenting on how warm the interior was considering the weather.

"Yeah." Blake drained his mug and grabbed a bottle. Jac held out her mug for a refill. "Oh, so no complaints now? Anyway, she's pretty well insulated, being British."

"Not like Manny. Or me, for that matter. I don't mind a bit of cold, but this..." She waved the mug at the driving rain. "Is next level yuck."

"You and that car are a good match. Short and lightweight." He laughed as a punch rapped his upper arm. "And I mean it in a good way."

"Hmm. Ok." Jac took a large swig of port. "Anyway. You and Liz. How's it going? It's been what? Five years now?"

Blake slumped and sighed. "Yeah, round about that. I dunno. Two years of lockdown didn't help, and the last year has been a bit odd. We seem to be ok, but she doesn't want to do much. Like this weekend. We talked about it, then at the last minute she pulled out."

"You said she had to work."

"Yeah. That sort of thing's happening more and more. When we started going out she liked roughing it. Now it's not something she's overly interested in. Wineries and charcuterie boards, they're the go."

"Well, you've got the right car to snob it up. If you gave it a wash. Plus, doing it in a motel would be more comfortable than in the back of this truckasaurus."

"Yeah, that's another thing." Blake swirled his drink and stared into it. "We haven't."

"Haven't... Haven't what? Haven't had a nice camembert?"

"Haven't you know what I mean, and why am I discussing this with you?"

"We're half cut, I'm the only other person around, and I need you to say exactly what you mean so I know exactly what you mean. If you see what I mean."

"Oh. That makes sense. Well, you know. We haven't had - relations."

"Oh, for fucks sake Blakey Boy. Just say you two haven't fucked each other recently. Geez..."

Blake's face, illuminated by the fairway explosions on the screen, had a small smile. "No, not recently. And keep this to yourself. Please. We've never had full-on sex."

"Oh. Shit. Sorry. So nothing in the last five years?"

Blake slowly shook his head. "Nope. Never happened for one reason or another." He bit his bottom lip, wondering how much to say. "It gets worse."

"She's secretly dating a lingerie model?"

"No. I could handle that," he laughed. "I've never, umm, done it. Ever."

Jacki slowly lowered her mug. "Seriously? You're a twenty four year old virgin? Well, fuck me with a salami, that is a surprise."

Blake nodded sadly. "Yup. Plenty of groping and err, mutual masturbation but never tab 'A' into slot 'B'. That's pretty sad, isn't it?"

Jacki gazed out the side window and took a deep drink. "Actually, no. I'm sort of in the same boat. Plenty of things have been in there, but not the thing I really want. Ever."

Blake sat up and chuckled. "Seriously? I was wondering about that salami remark." He topped up the mugs and clanked them together. "Cheers. To two twenty-odd year old virgins. How the hell that happened is beyond me."

"Just unlucky I guess." Jac carefully placed her mug down and unclipped the laptop. "Only 9.30. Something else?"

"Sure. I've got more chips and grog, and I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon."

Jac grunted and flicked through the directories. She was surprised Blake didn't seem to care. Most people she knew were paranoid about letting strangers fossick through their files. "Well, hello. What's this directory you've buried called 'Interesting vintage'. Doesn't seem to be about old cars or wines..."

"Ah, no Jac. Umm, stay out of it please."

"Too late!" she triumphantly announced. "Ooo, there looks to be some interesting titles here all right. Debbie does Dallas - I've heard of that... Pretty Peaches... and what's this? Taboo! You naughty boy. I wonder what that's about."

Blake feebly tried to get his laptop back. "That was lockdown watching, not for now. C'mon, look for something else Jac. I've got Stripes..."

"Nononono. Porn. I want to watch some ancient 80s porn. It'll be a laugh." She leaned back over the centre console and looked up at Blake. "Please Blay, can we watch something naughty?"

Blake smiled and nodded. "You haven't called me that in years. Ok, why not? It's no worse than GoT nowadays, I guess." He took back the laptop and placed it on the holder. "Any preference? They're all pretty iffy as far as story goes."

Jac bounced in her seat and clapped. "Yay, dirty movie! Well, let's look at Taboo seeming you brought up the GoT reference. I guess that's the taboo they're talking about." She held out her mug for a top-up. "You know, that's pretty good. It gets better after a few swallows. I can see why you drink it."

"At five bucks a bottle, it's a bargain. Just don't mix your drinks. That could be really bad," Blake said, splashing more port into the mugs. "And away we go."

"That looks uncomfortable," commented Jac, watching the big-titted actress ride reverse cowgirl in the opening scene.

"Shh... You'll miss the scintittylating conversation."

"Booobs..."

"Yes. More than yours."

"Fuck off."

.

.

.

"He's supposed to be her son? She doesn't look old enough."

"It's a fucking porn movie Jac. Nothing to do with reality."

"I suppose. Hey, did Mum ever flash her tits like that at you?"

"No. Why would she?"

"I dunno. I've seen them."

"Well, duh. Of course, you have." Blake shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Like, you're both women and went to the same gym. I expect you've seen her completely naked."

"Yep."

.

.

.

"What's with the shooting sperm over the girl and sticking your dick back in? That's not an effective birth control method."

"I don't know. It's made for guys and we're visual I guess. It just shows something's happened."

"I suppose."

.

.

.

"Hey Blake..."

"I swear Jacki, just watch the movie. I told you the plot was ordinary."

"So-ree. But it wasn't about the plot."

"Oh, ok. So what was it?"

"Don't hide what you're doing. It's pretty obvious."

"What?"

"It's not that dark in here, and I can hear your hand beat in your pants."

"Crap. I thought I was being subtle."

"Nope. Like an elephant dancing on a million peanut shells. Plus, your breathing sounds like you're running a marathon."

"Sorry. I'll stop if you want."

"No, doesn't worry me. Flop it out, if you want."

"You'd be ok with that? Seriously?"

"Oh, oh, it's a wicked, nasty penis coming to corrupt my sensitive female brain. Whatever am I to do?" She waved at the screen. "I'm watching porn with my brother. Too late for that."

"Fair enough. Just don't watch. That would be weird."

"Right... And this isn't."

.

.

.

"You're watching."

"Am not."

"You are. I can tell."

"Bullshit."

"Well, you're looking at my dick, not me, right now."

"Wrong... How do you know?"

"It's not that dark in here, remember?"

"Fine. Busted." Jac sighed. "Can I watch?"

"No! Why?"

"Do I need a reason? If I was Liz, would you be asking that?"