Jacki and Lucy Two Sisters at War

"Sorry, we haven't talked much lately. I've been busy, and I figured she must be the same."

I tried to change the subject, but she kept going back to it, I got the definite impression their was something she wanted to say, but couldn't get the words out.

It was weeks later when I got the visit. Saturday morning, and I was quite busy. The shop door opened, and there were the Browns. This was Mr. B's first visit, and I could see he was quite impressed. They greeted me warmly and I stepped out from behind the counter. There were lots of hugs, a warming embrace.

Mr. B said, "I have business, so I'll leave you two to chat." He gave us both a peck on the cheek before disappearing mysteriously.

Mrs. B saw my inquisitive glance. "That's your fault, Jacki. He is going to look at a motorcycle shop."

I laughed. "Is he serious?"

"No, not really, dear. It's just a dream. We can't afford that, but you have aroused an interest that's been deeply buried for years." She hugged me again, "Is there a chance we could talk privately?"

I put up the closed sign and we walked out the back, where I made us both a cup of tea.

As we sat quietly sipping our tea, she seemed to be building up courage to say something.

"Jacki, my dear. I might be getting on a bit, but I am not an idiot. Something happened between you and Lucy, and what ever it was must have hurt. She is in a world of pain, and nothing I do or say seems to help. I know it is something that happened between you, because every time I mention your name she bursts into tears."

I guess there was no hiding from it. "Okay, yeah. We had a bit of a falling out. We haven't spoken for a while."

"Can I ask what you fought about?" She asked.

"It's a bit personal Mrs. B."

She sipped her tea thoughtfully before patting my hand softly. "Can I tell you a little story, Jacki?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Well, let me say again, young lady, I'm not as silly as you think I am. I may not be a woman of the world, but when it comes to my girls, I know more than you think."

I sighed guiltily. "I never said you were silly."

"You didn't have to. I know." She gave me one of her warm, all-enveloping smiles. I don't know how she made the world a better place with just a smile, but she could do it.

"Buckle in, Jacki, this might take me a while to get out."

"You know, when Lucy and Leeza were together, I was worried. I never liked that girl. I kept my mouth shut, but she was a user. She never loved Lucy. She is one of those people, she doesn't care how much they hurt other people, all they think about is themselves."

I was starting to get a very bad feeling. "You say that Lucy loved Leeza?"

"Yes dear, Lucy, at least, was madly in love. All the while they lived together, she never said anything, but I knew."

"How did you find out?"

She chuckled, like the sly fox she was. "Young lady, you have to be smart to pull the wool over the eyes of a caring mother. Lucy thought she was so clever. But let me tell you something, if you're going to go to the trouble of setting up a bedroom that your friend uses, and try to convince your mother that she uses it, then you need to use it occasionally."

"What are you talking about?" I whispered hesitantly.

"Jacki, I put some coins in her bed every time I visited. She never even knew they were there. Months and months, never once was that bed slept in."

"Maybe she was playing you?"

She laughed loudly. "Don't be silly dear, she wasn't that clever. I disliked that girl from the moment I met her. I tried to like her. She was just horrible, she bled Lucy dry. Lucy paid for everything; Leeza lived there rent free, Lucy paid all the bills. That girl was using Lucy. I bit my tongue, I probably shouldn't have, but when they broke up. It broke Lucy's heart. She was shattered."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Jacki, don't fool with me. Lucy was in love with that girl. It was so obvious when they were together. She really loved her."

"And you didn't mind?"

"No, all I wanted was Lucy's happiness. If that means her partner was a girl, then that is fine with me. She just needs to find somebody who loves, respects and adores her, with the same passion Lucy puts into it. That girl does nothing by half. When she loves, she loves body and soul."

All that was a bit much to take in. I never imagined Mrs. B, being so open-minded. When I sat there stonily staring back at her, Mr's B asked. "Can you tell me what's going on between you two?"

"I don't know Mrs. B, things have been difficult between us lately. She wants to be closer. You know me, I'm not like that."

With a deep painful sigh, and a shake of her head, she said abruptly. "You should be ashamed of yourself young lady. When I said I'm not an idiot, I meant it. What's going on between you two is much more than sisters arguing. I want you to be honest with me. Do you love Lucy?"

Cornered and with nowhere to run, especially with her eyes boring into me, I mumbled, "Yes, of course I love her, she's my sister."

"Don't play with me, Jackie. Are you in love with Lucy."

Like an ostrich, burying its head in the sand, I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I muttered "Bugger." She was still there staring at me. I never wanted to lie in the first place. Sucking in a deep breath, I stated loudly. "Yes... Yes I am, but she's my sister. God all mighty, we're not bloody rednecks. She's my sister."

Nodding, she sighed softly, her hands gripping mine. "Jacki, if you love her, the rest means nothing. You're not blood. Sisters, yes, but if you love that girl, don't let the rest of it get in the way. I know she loves you. I know she wants to be with you."

"She told you that?" I asked, gobsmacked.

"No, off course not, she can't talk to me about this. She's embarrassed, I have tried to get her to be open with me, but she just clams up. She thinks I won't understand. I understand how nervous she must be, well, I think I do. She is worried how her friends and family will take it."

I stood up and paced around nervously. I noticed her cup was empty. "Would you like more tea, Mrs. B?"

She smirked. "I would like something stronger, if you have it."

"Oh, thank god. Yes, will wine do it?" She nodded, and I poured us both a glass.

Two quick glasses and I felt a little braver. "Mrs. B, this runs deeper than that for me. You know, I have had some issues around accepting who I am. Lucy is the first woman I have ever been intimate with. Couple that with the fact she's my sister, and it has stirred up an amazing amount of unanswered questions."

She patted the seat beside her, and I sat back down. She turned towards me and clasped my hands in hers.

We sat like that for a while, just facing each other, our hands locked together, vicelike. I could see her trying to get her head around what must have been a quagmire of mixed emotions.

"Jacki, I am not trying to push you in any direction. I have seen the two of you together and I can see the love, I see the connection, and it stretches way past being sisters."

"I don't know, I'm so confused. I do love her, but I always have. I know it probably didn't seem like it when we were younger, but that was me and my anger issues. I took out a lot of my frustrations at being dumped by my mother on her. I transferred my anger onto her, and you. God I was such a bitch to you."

"I understand, my love. I never held that against you. I wanted to help you, I just didn't know how to make your life better. I tried."

I fell to my knees in front of her, her arms circling my head as she held me to her breasts. "Let it out, darling, let it out. I'm sorry I let you down."

"You didn't, Mum, it was just me, it was all me."

"Oh my god, Oh heavens," she cried.

"I'm sorry, Mum, I know I made it hard to love me."

"No, absolutely not." She sniffled, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Jacki, I always loved you, you were so angry when you arrived at our home. So very, very angry with the world. I tried to find a way in, but I couldn't find a way to prise my way inside your armour, but never ever think I didn't love you. Jacki, you are my daughter, my incredible gorgeous daughter, and I love you so much."

Our wet cheeks caressing as we hugged. "Thanks, Mum."

"Oh dear, I have waited so long to hear those words. You have made me very happy, Daughter."

We hugged for what seemed like hours before she said. "What are we going to do about Lucy. She loves you, Jacki.

"What can I do?"

"You could go and tell her that you love her as well. Tell her you want to live the rest of your life with her. Share the good times, comfort her through the sad ones. Hold her hand, let love guide you."

Giving her a nervous glance, I mumbled through my runny nose. "You would be okay with that?"

"Okay, I would be ecstatic. My two darling daughters together, making each other happy? I would be euphoric."

"What about Dad, what would he say?"

"He would be shocked, no sense downplaying it. He won't be angry, but he will be shocked. I know you think he can be a bit grumpy, but he loves you every bit as much as I do. He just has strange ways. He is a man, and he sometimes struggles to express emotions."

"Lucy would never come out to you. It's part of the reason we are fighting. I made her a promise I would never tell anyone, and I broke it. She didn't even know the guy, but she flipped. If she thinks I ratted her out to you. She will never forgive me."

"That will be something we need to work on. I know how introverted she is; she is trying to put on a brave face to the world, but the longer she lives that lie, the more it will hurt."

"And, she's so jealous," I spluttered angrily.

That seemed to shake her. "Lucy? Really? Goodness, I never imagined that.

She pondered something for a little while, before saying, "Would you come down home next weekend please, my dear?"

"Yes, but if Luce, is going to be there, it could be very unpleasant, Mum. She is do bloody angry with me."

She nodded, accepting what I said. "We will just have to see what we can do."

"Mum, she probably won't even go if she knows I'm going to be there."

"Then we shan't tell her. She will find out she's not the only one who can be underhanded."

The sound of the shop bell roused us from our scheming. As I stood, she pulled me into her arms. "Jackie, my wonderful, gorgeous daughter. I love you so much, I'm so proud, and so full of joy having you back in my life."

I burst into tears. it was impossible to keep dry eyes. "I love you as well, Mum." The word flowed smoothly from my tongue, and it felt so good. For years I fought the urge to call her mum, I knew she craved that return of affection, and I kept it from her, to hurt her. Now, I felt a wave of shame.

"I'm sorry I made your life hell."

"Rubbish, my life has been wonderful, and so much better for having you in it. Never forget that. I will always be there for you, both of you."

I went out and unlocked the door to let Mr. B in, and he saw the tears. "Good lord, what on earth has happened?" he spluttered.

I threw my arms around his neck and held on tightly. Even at his age, he was strong as an ox. "I love you, Dad."

I felt his powerful arms hug me tightly as he murmured, "What did you say?"

With a tearful anxious tremble, I whispered, "I said I love you, Dad."

I saw him staring at Mum, and then back at me. He squeezed me so tightly it hurt.

It is hard to explain the mountain of emotions coursing through my body at that moment. I was filled with swirling feelings of, elation, relief, love, fear. They mixed, fusing together into a cocktail, diluted only by my tears.

He chuckled in his friendly rough voice. "I could use a cuppa."

As we sat out the back, Mum was soon bored as he babbled on and on about the bikes he had been looking at. He was like an excited young kid, and I loved seeing that side of him. It was like a missing piece of the puzzle. As we listened to him, I said. "How come you never had motorbikes? When I lived with you, there was never mention of it."

He glanced sneakily at Mum, and said, "No money, love. We made the decision to focus all our energies on you girls. We wanted you to have good lives. That was our aim; we wanted you to have the opportunities we never had. It wasn't a hard decision to make."

They left not long after, with huge hugs and kisses. That night I contemplated life, as one does in these moments. I had made their lives a living hell, I was so wrapped up in my own anger at the world, I took special joy from causing them pain. I said terrible things, things designed to hurt.

Looking back, I was so embarrassed, I felt my body shiver as I recalled some of the things I said and did. Stealing their precious treasures, and taking them down to the garden to smash with rocks, then burying them in the garden.

I blamed them for everything wrong with my life, when. If I thought about it, they were the ones trying so hard to give me life. Even when I behaved so badly I should have been flogged, they only ever cuddled me. At the time, that hurt more than a beating.

I remember him working long hard days. My embarrassment soon morphed into shame. All they did was try to make my life better. I had amends to make, and lots of them.

Mrs. B called most nights, and strangely, I looked forward to hearing her voice, and the conversations. She also kept me informed about Luce. The worrying thing was, there seemed to be a split within the greatest union in the world, and it was my fault. Luce wasn't like me; she loved the Browns and had no problems accepting them as her parents. Her relationship with Mrs. B was so strong, all through the years, I saw how close they were. Yeah I hated it, when I was living there. Now, I sensed that there was some sort of gulf developing between Luce and Mum, god just saying the word, sent shivers down my body, it felt so comforting. Just thinking the word gave me a warm fuzzy... Mum.

Now I was sort of responsible for this growing split.

Friday, Mum called about lunchtime, just to ensure I was still going down. I assured her I was. Somehow, I had to fix things with Luce. I missed her. Having the conversations with Mum only highlighted how much I missed Luce. I tried to convince myself that I hated her prying pushy phone calls. That wasn't true; the moment they stopped, I missed them.

Now, she was all I could think about, every second of every day.

I closed up early and set off south. The motorway traffic was busy, as it always is on Fridays. I took the time to switch off and cruise, the Honda idling along, the exhausts muted. I turned off at Taupiri, taking the back road through Gordonton, and that took me through Chartwell. The whole way down, I had tried to figure out what I should do. Should I call in, or should I wait like Mum suggested.

I rode past her practice. The car park empty. Was she home, or had she already left?

I decided Mum might know a lot more than me, so I cruised on by, heading straight for Te Awamutu.

There was no way to hide my arrival, even riding slowly, the Honda's open exhausts growled out my presence.

Knocking on the door, I couldn't slow my heart. It thumped so loudly I was sure they could hear it over my knocking on the door.

Dad opened the door and welcomed me into a cautious hug. Walking in, I saw Luce and Mum, standing together. The look on Luce's face was anger. I guess she felt betrayed by Mum, the one person she trusted beyond trust itself.

I didn't know the full extent of the conversations Luce and Mum had, but I knew enough to know. Luce had expressed her wishes not to be around me.

Mum walked up and gave me a big hug. I slipped into her arms so easily these days, and it felt so good, I felt safer. Silly, yeah maybe, but there was now a bond I still couldn't explain. "Jacki my love. I'm so glad you could make it."

"Nice to be here, Mum, I love you," I managed to get out, although it was squeaky and uneven. I saw Luce's eyes bulge as she heard me say Mum. I heard her gasp.

As Mum and I separated, I walked towards Luce, and she backed away as I neared. Ignoring her disapproval, I kept going. Opening my arms, I grabbed her. She pulled her arms close in front of her holding me at bay. "What are you doing?" she hissed.

"Getting a hug, telling my favourite sister how much I love her."

Her body never softened, she held her arms tightly against her chest, refusing to give in. "I do love you, Luce, I'm sorry I hurt you." I held on as long as I could, but in the end, conceded defeat. She wasn't relenting.

I let her go and she just glared at me. It was Mr. B who broke the silence. "How was the ride down, Jackie my love?"

Turning to him, I replied. "Nice, lots of traffic, but a nice ride."

He picked up some papers from the table, and handed them to me. "What do you think of this?" Opening the brochures, I saw the new Triumph model staring back at me. I sniggered. "A Triumph, really?"

He chuckled. "Possibly not my first choice, but I did think it looked nice."

"I see you more as a cruiser guy, didn't think you'd be into the sports bike theme."

"Lots you don't know about me, young lady. I used to have several sportier bikes when I was younger. You know, I always had a dream of going to the Isle of Man for the annual TT races."

"Wow." I spluttered, "the TT. Yeah, bloody hell that would be amazing."

"I always had a desire to ride the circuit. You know, they open it up to the public, during the weekend."

"Yeah." I laughed. "You'd get bloody locked up."

Luce stood off to the side, not really participating. She looked angry and confused, her furtive, yet intense peeks through slitted eyes weren't hard to read. She couldn't hide her amazement at Mum and my new relationship. I wanted to just whisk her into my arms and hold her, explain everything, but she refused attempts to bring her into the conversation.

Dinner came and went with no let up in intensity, although Dad was able to bring her out of her shell a little. He kept talking about a mysterious shoulder injury. After dinner, Luce dragged Dad into the living room and gave him a few gentle prods, her fingers moving slowly as she interrogated his joint.

I snapped cynically. "The lengths some people will go to, to get out of helping with the clean up."

He laughed loudly. "You wait till you're my age. This is heaven."

I had no doubts it was heaven. Quietly, I asked Mum, "Where the hell are we going to sleep?"

She gave me her usual unflappable reply. "Where you always do, my dear. I'm sorry things are uncomfortable, but she will come out of it. She is hurting, and mostly because she feels let down by me. She told me that things were difficult between you two, and asked not to be invited if I was inviting you. Well, that was preposterous. I love you both, and will not be forced into silly games. One way or another, this weekend is going to end this silly fight."

She gave me a hopeful glance. "I need to find a way to get rid of Roger tomorrow so we can talk openly. I don't want to do that in front of him."

I giggled. "Easy, I can just toss him the bike keys. He will be gone all day."

She grinned evilly. "You are a little sneak. It would make his day as well, you know."

"Yeah, I figured that." Trying to read her expression, I asked. "Would you be upset if he brought a motorcycle?"

She started a little at my words. "My darling daughter, I would love it if we could afford it. He has been more alive since he took your bike for a ride than I have seen in many years." Wincing a little, she added. "You have to realise, Jacki, we are pensioners, and our income is barely adequate to get by on. We don't have a lot of money left over for things like that. We are comfortable, but he will have to be happy stealing yours when you are prepared to share."