by LustinTranslation
A very good attempt, especially as this is your first attempt at Literotica fiction.
For me, however, although the spelling and grammar mistakes are an irritation, your irregular switch from 3rd to first person singular ruins the flow completely. It is so irritating.
I love the story so far, but have a few basic grammar problems that prevent it from being a great story. You do need an editor and proofreader... you continually use "you're" when you mean "your." Furthermore, you jump between first and third person perspective, making it more confusing to read.
I love this series! Great story, love the first 2 chapters. More! I love the style and writing, only other comment is "KEEPEM COMIN". and thanks for sharing.
Amazing what a determined man with a gun and a plan can do. Fine story and looking forward to more.
I love this story, parts have me wondering what the hell!!
But I still love it more please and like now lol
Awesome. Keep it coming. You are on a roll. Great roll.