Jerry, Elaine, George and KramerbyGratefulFred©
Elaine and Jerry were watching a movie on a so far uneventful Saturday evening. Both of them were still lamenting about breaking up with their respective lovers. Elaine, feeling restless, went up to grab something from the 'fridge. As she turned around to ask Jerry a question she noticed something in the way that he looked at her.
"Were you just staring at my ass?" Elaine asked.
Jerry looked up with that preposterous look on his face to which Elaine immediately knew was fraud.
"Ah ha," Elaine screamed, "I bet you $100 you were staring at my ass. Come on Jerry fess up."
Jerry caved in as Elaine double dared him into confessing. "Alright," Jerry said some hundred times though it only left his voice box but once.
Elaine, ever frisky, decided to take this further. "Look Jerry, it's not like we never did it before."
"That's true," Jerry responded, "but we've never done it THERE."
Elaine looked over at a grinning Jerry in a state of disbelief at first than her feelings turned towards curiosity.
Jerry was reaching out for new territory as he sought justification for his new proposal. "What we have had HERE was great. I don't think that if we go THERE it should be any different."
"Well if we are going to do it THERE and not HERE shouldn't we set up some rules?" Elaine offered back.
"Rules are good," Jerry responded, "How about this one? Just because I do you THERE doesn't mean I am gay for instance."
"And naturally," responded Elaine on a roll, "How about this rule? Let's say you do it THERE. That means you can still do it HERE."
"Of course," Jerry agreed, "'cause we wouldn't want to lose what we have HERE, just because we go THERE."
"Because HERE is very important," Elaine finished as the two got up and walked to the bedroom.
The next day Jerry was sitting with his buddy George in their usual cafe. George was sitting in his usual booth, ordering up his usual breakfast, thinking rather usual "George" thoughts on a usual nothing-filled day.
"I had anal sex with Elaine last night" Jerry muttered out half heartedly as he took a bite of his toast.
George's jaw dropped. His world stood still. World's had collided in George's way of thinking. This bombshell resonated throughout his whole psyche.
"Sweet god of Jesus. I am simply speechless Jerry. Details. I got to know details," offered up George still in a state of numb disbelief.
"I'd rather not talk about it," Jerry responded as he took a swig of coffee.
"Let me tell you something Jerry. You are going to tell me and tell me now," George said with a stern look on his face.
Before Jerry could respond or not respond at all in walked Kramer who sat next to George.
"You guys have got to help me," Kramer said as tears formed in his eyes, "I was having sex with Eve the other night and all of a sudden she wanted me to stick this dildo in her butt (SNIFF...SNIFF). I pulled it out of her purse and that rubber penis it was bigger than mine. You guys have got to help me (WAAAAAAAAA)."
George quickly drew the most unlikely hypothesis, "Jerry, Eve works with Elaine. When Elaine speaks with Eve she will show her that dildo. Jerry your days of anal sex with her are over."
Kramer wiped his eyes and looked menacing at Jerry, "So it was you Jerry that raped my girl friend's butt making it less tight. I trusted you man. How could you? You drove her to go for those sex toys. Some friend you are. It is over between us Jerry."
Kramer got up, turned his back, flicked off Jerry and left before either George or Jerry could explain.
Kramer caught a quick cab as Jerry turned to George, "Great, now Kramer thinks I banged his girl friend and not Elaine."
"Don't worry about Kramer," George offered, "he'll get over it."
Kramer meanwhile stopped off at some new porno shop that recently opened. He had formulated an idea to get them from selling large dildos. Inside he ran into his good buddy Newman. Kramer told Newman about Jerry's betrayal to which Newman smiled in glee.
"Listen Kramer, I will send Eve a product recall notice for this rather large dildo courtesy of the US Postal Service. As for Jerry I will teach him a lesson he shall never forget," Newman said as a grin overtook his fat face.
"Don't hurt Jerry," Kramer responded as tears broke from his eyes.
Newman hugged his good friend and left.
Elsewhere George was on a park bench thinking long and hard about anal sex. He had daydreams of getting rammed from behind by Elaine with a strap on. Lucky Jerry he thought. Getting fucked in the ass by Elaine. George imagined Elaine fucking his ass with a strap on. The mere thought of it got him hard. George opened his eyes to see some young girl running away. George pulled his hands from his pants noticed that they smelled and looked rather brownish. He looked around to see if some dog made poop nearby. Seeing none he decided to head back to Jerry's place.
Elaine was finding it difficult to concentrate on work. Peterman was out of the country or planet and work was rather non-existent without his presence. Eve, Elaine's fellow coworker came in, looking quite angry.
"Elaine, You know that Dildo you recommended I buy? Well I just got a recall letter today written in hand and it says the Dildo is likely to cause pregnancy if inserted in one's ass. I can't afford to have another kid," Eve said as she stormed out of Elaine's office room.
Elaine by herself now felt rather scared. Could she have a baby growing in her butt? The thought of some smelly brown kid coming out of her anus frightened Elaine. In desperation Elaine pulled out a home pregnancy test and squeezed it in her butt. The results came back negative but Elaine read the package and realized there was still a slim chance of error.
Outside of work she bumped into Newman who seemed to be hanging outside waiting for her.
"Hello Elaine," Newman said with a mischievous smile.
Elaine despised Newman and was prepared to push him into a moving train if one should happen to be around.
"What do YOU want Newman?" Elaine responded quite menacing.
"Well I understand that Eve is pregnant as a result of Jerry banging her in the ass. Thought you might want to know," Newman said in revenge-like fashion as he ran away.
Elaine was lost in thought as to weather she was pregnant by Jerry or from the dildo. She felt scared as she realized that she had a 2 in 3 chance of being pregnant and she wasn't ready. She needed to talk with Jerry about parenthood and taking responsibility for both her and Eve's kid when the moment arrived.
Jerry meanwhile had checked himself in to a sexual support group. He told everyone in the circle that he was obsessed with anal sex but it was so dirty. Needless to say the group kicked him out of the room and locked the door. Jerry had to talk with Elaine and hailed a taxi.
Eve some few hours earlier felt bad and needed to talk with Elaine. She went over to her apartment. She let herself in with the key that Elaine had left her. Elaine wasn't home as time dragged. Eve grabbed a nearby bottle and helped herself. Soon she had passed out on the sofa.
George apparently became obsessed with Elaine doing him with a strap on. As a man on a mission he knew that nothing could stop him. He needed to share his dream with Jerry. He arrived at Jerry's apartment and he wasn't there. He paced back and forth. Suddenly Elaine buzzed in. This was George's moment for destiny.
Once Elaine came up she asked where was Jerry. George couldn't contain himself and told Elaine of his dream. She called him sick and pushed him. George got up and grabbed for Elaine's purse knocking her over. He found the large dildo as he emptied the contents of Elaine's purse on the table. He placed the large thick Dildo on its stand into his ass and squealed rather pig-like. As the dildo got deeper George felt queasy but still determined. He reached for an odd piece of paper on the coffee table that had caught his eye. He read the recall notice and screamed so loud that New York would never be the same. George ran like a madman out on Jerry's balcony and jumped before a semi-sleepy Elaine could stop him. She looked down as George's suicide was abruptly stopped as he fell upon some bystander bellow. Looking down she smiled as she realized that it was Newman.
Jerry meanwhile walked into Elaine's darkened apartment and saw her slumped over the sofa. He knew what a man had to do as he pulled down his pants. He banged Elaine's butt and it didn't seem as tight as it was before. Jerry couldn't wake Elaine up and decided to leave. Anal sex was no longer his thing.
A few minutes after the ambulance had taken George and Newman away Elaine took a cab home. Elaine walked in to see Eve slumped over the sofa with her pants down. She rubbed her hands on Eve's butt to see if some baby-thing was moving. Eve was coming too and looked at Elaine who was speechless.
Jerry arrived shortly after Elaine had left. He shut the balcony window to his apartment as he walked back to the kitchen. Kramer slid in and apologized. Jerry explained the truth that he only did Elaine and never touched his girl friend. Both of them thought that anal sex wasn't really as great as they made it out to be.
In the end everyone made up. No one became pregnant. But Laura Bush seemed to be really pissed about some post office note homeland security had found on the streets of New York.