All Comments on 'Joan's Adventure Pt. 01'

The writing style is overly formal I’ve never met anyone who ever referred to their erogenous zones as “the magic zone” or referred to a man’s cock as a penis unless they were a doctor. It’s probably normal to call it a penis if it’s being discussed in a conversation but I find it incredibly unlikely that anyone feels the need to use clinical terminology inside their own head. That said it’s probable that someone who is sexually repressed or has virtually no sexual experience might use those terms? It’s on a par with using “clitty”, essentially cringeworthy. So from that perspective if you’re writing what someone is thinking it’s likely to be more explicit as well as potentially random - as in jumping from one thought to another. If you’re writing dialogue then try writing it how you actually say things, if you’re unsure of the results read it aloud to yourself as part of the editing process.

The storyline itself shows a lot of potential the only other issue is that it’s very very short. That’s not a huge problem if you intend rapid frequent submissions. If that’s not something you’re interested in then consider merging content.

I hope that’s not too off putting, well done for being brave enough to submit stories. I haven’t because I don’t know how to do that without a tech link to my home life.

Best of luck Tess (uk)

Come on Jessie. Your other story was sort of unfinished, but this one just ground to a halt in the middle of a paragraph. This isn’t a good writing style: leaving your readers wanting more is good, leaving them hanging in the middle of a scene just seems incomplete. I appreciate you’re taking your transatlantic audience into account, but really, a ‘highway’ in Yorkshire??