Julie and Matt

Matt's eyes shifted recalling the economics conference of a few years ago. Rage ran through him thinking of Mary and Peter laughing and loving while he was gone.

"About a week later, I saw his picture in the paper. He was getting some sort of big award or grant."

"I remember that. I was envious and glad for Peter when the announcement was made. Prior to the award notice, I figured Peter was just anxious about getting the prize. But now it makes sense why Jurgens always seemed nervous around me even after the grant."

Julie continued when Matt's gaze came back to her.

"Nothing happened for some time until you went away again. Within a few hours after you'd gone, he was at the apartment. I was doing dishes when I saw him drive up. After a couple more meetings, I decided to let Mary know I was on to her affair and try to get her to see how this was hurting your marriage."

"Why would you do that?" he asked.

"Do what?"

"Try getting Mary to quit seeing Jurgens."

"I didn't say that. I knew the longer they kept seeing each other, the more it would hurt you. I know how hard it is to learn your spouse is cheating. And, truth be told, I didn't want to risk losing a good tenant."

He smiled.

"I saw Mary alone one evening while you were teaching a night course. I told I knew her out of town friend was Peter Jurgens. I urged her to either drop the affair, or divorce you, or seek counseling. Keeping it a secret was not fair to either of you. She seemed surprised I didn't try to give her a morals lecture and I promised not tell you a thing. About a month later is when you first told me about you two breaking up."

"Why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because I felt guilty about knowing about the affair when you didn't. When you came over and talked with me about Mary and Professor Jurgens and the divorce, I just didn't have the heart to say, 'I know all about it'. So, I did my best to be a friend and give you a chance to talk. Since our relationship seems to be moving in a different direction, I want to be honest with you."

He stared at the credit card offer for some moments then replied, "You know, you're about the 25th person to tell me they knew about Mary and Peter. But you are the only one who did something about it. Thanks for trying to help, Julie. I appreciate it. What you did took courage. I'm also grateful you stayed so neutral through all of this. Mary never said a word about you."

After a slight pause, he slapped his hands on his knees and rubbed them.

"I suppose I better be going. Sorry for being such an idiot".

He stood, walked over to Julie, bent down and lightly kissed her cheek. He scooped up the mail as he walked to the door but turned back.

"All this started because I mentioned about wanting to be with you. I still want to be with you. Do you think we could date? I mean, you ARE a landlord and I am just a tenant after all."

Julie's index finger touched her pursed lips.

"Hmmmmmmmm. I think it would work. I mean, after all you ARE a professor of economics and I am just a landlord. Besides, we really haven't gone on a date, yet."

Her dimples made him laugh.

"I suppose I had that coming. Well then, how about right now? I need to change clothes..."

"No you don't. I like what you're wearing."

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"How about right here? I've got plenty of food and that way neither of us needs to dress up. Besides, it would make me feel better to make a meal for you."

"Is this a date?"

"No, this is a meal between two friends one who could use a little cheering up. Nothing more, nothing less", she said.

"Where have I heard that line before?"

The late afternoon and early evening went quickly as Matt shared more about Mary. Julie listened attentively.

Then they moved to the kitchen fixing dinner with Matt helping set the table and fix a side dish.

"Julie," said Matt finishing the last bite of dessert, "we have danced around the issue of dating ever since I came for the mail. Do you think we could date?"

"Of course we can date. The question is, do we want to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. Do you want to date me and do I want to date you."

Their old friend, silence, entered briefly.

"Well, I guess you have a point. So, I'll go out on a limb and say that, yes, I want to date you," said Matt.

"How come?" asked Julie. She wanted to sound coy but Matt heard uncertainty.

"Frankly, you're beautiful. And more than just the outer beauty, which is very nice by the way. You have an inner beauty of brains and a great sense of humor. I feel comfortable around you, like a close friend. I mean, look at how easily we spent the day talking then worked together fixing the meal. Like we have done it for years."

He looked eagerly at Julie hoping to hear reciprocal remarks. She looked like a frightened animal.

"I like you too, Matt, very much. I don't know if I am ready to date again. It's nothing against you, don't get me wrong. It's just..."

He looked intently into Julie's eyes seeing that mix of fear and sadness.

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid you won't like me or stay attracted to me. It's silly, I know, because we have been so open with each other especially since yesterday. But keeping some things from you made it much easier to stay friends. I was safe from worrying what you may think of me. Does that make sense?"

"Not completely," said Matt, "but that's OK. I think you are saying you are willing to date me, but you are afraid. Afraid of what, I don't know. If I am correct that you are open to us dating, I don't know how to conquer the fear other than a date. Would you be open to antiquing tomorrow afternoon at the shop of your choice?"

"How did you know I like antiques?"

"I helped you lug in a box of glass items a few months ago from your car. You gave me an enthusiastic lecture on the history and origin of the pieces, their value and where you bought them. I've never seen you so excited. I'd say you may dabble in antiques but nothing serious. Am I right?"

She stood up.

"Come with me," she said with a little smile.

Stopping in front of a couple of doors, she opened one then the other gesturing like an assistant on a game show.

"WOW!" said Matt.

One room was filled with small antique cups, saucers, plates, statuettes, vases, plates, and glassware. All the items were stacked neatly on shelves lining the walls. In the middle of the room was a desk with a computer, digital camera, printer, and phone. The other room held chairs, lamps, trunks, chest of drawers, and bookcases with a narrow twisted path among the items.

"These were the boys' rooms. Now that they are grown up, the rooms are my virtual antique store. I have a website on the internet and customers across the country."

"Impressive," was all Matt could say.

"You like?"

"Definitely."

She beamed and led him to the computer. The next two hours were spent explaining how she got started with a few items inherited from her grandmother, showing off the website, and explaining how items were catalogued, photographed then placed on the web page. When she finished, Matt could only sit and stare in amazement.

"And you did all this yourself?"

"Yes, Matt, I really did it all by my little self," she replied amused with his question.

"The website looks so professional. I've seen a lot of small business websites for book dealers and you can tell which ones were done by a professional and which were done by the owner to save money. This is as fine a layout as I've ever seen."

"Thanks. I took some courses at the college on web design, Java, and HTML. My first instructor was terrific because he kept saying that HTML was designed for men to understand so the women in the class would have no trouble at all. And you what? He was right."

After they finished laughing, Matt said, "Julie, you seem so capable and confident. It just doesn't make sense why men aren't lined up at your front door."

She looked like a little girl wanting to tell her parents something scary. She dropped her eyes and said, "Thanks, Matt. You're very kind."

Realizing she was uncomfortable he asked, "So where would you like to go tomorrow?"

"There is this shop about 30 miles from here, just north of Springfield. Is that too far?"

"Of course not. How about I pick you up at eleven? We can get something to eat on the way then spend the afternoon at the shop?"

"Deal," she said enthusiastically.

They shook hands with a single exaggerated pump, then stood looking at each other. Their hands stayed clasped together.

"This time, I really should go. You probably have some antique business to take care of and I don't want to wear out my welcome," said Matt.

She escorted him to the kitchen so he could leave by the back door. He reached for the knob, then turned and put his hands on her shoulders. Leaning forward, he kissed her. She closed her eyes and put her hands on his shoulders. Both felt electricity. He hoped her lips would part when his tongue touched them. He settled for the sensuous feeling of rubbing her lips from end to end. They were panting slightly when the kiss ended.

"Good night, Julie. It's been wonderful."

"Good night. I'll see you tomorrow. Oh wait!"

She trotted to the living room and returned with his mail saying, "You almost forgot the very important credit card offer."

They shared another round of laughter then he left. Matt now understood what it was like to walk on a cloud. He had no sensation of walking or even touching the ground until he got into his apartment and shut the door.

Julie glided to her virtual office feeling confused.

"My mouth hurts. Not really my mouth, more like the muscles around it," she pondered. A detour to the bathroom mirror confirmed her suspicion. The reflection greeting her was a big grin. She had not smiled like this in years.

Julie sat down at the computer and brought up the first of five client inquiries. No amount of reading could get her to focus on anything but Matt and that parting kiss. Finally, she threw her hands up, sighed, and accepted the fate of having a wide goofy beam for the rest of the evening. She got ready for bed but couldn't fall asleep. Tomorrow could not come soon enough and she feared she wouldn't get any rest at all. She glanced at the alarm clock then fell asleep holding on to a slight smile thinking about Matt.

If days have watch words, then Sunday's key word was anticipation. Both of them jumped out of bed at the first sound of their alarms, ate breakfast, showered and dressed, always stealing glances at the nearest available time piece.

Matt left the apartment at 10:30 grateful fort remembering the car needed gas. Filling the tank, cleaning out the car, and wiping the windows took almost 20 minutes. He drove a long and slow route finally arriving at Julie's house by 10:59. She opened the door after only one knock.

Driving out of town, Julie said, "I can't believe how slow this morning was. Eleven o'clock seemed to take forever."

"You to?"

"I was ready by around 9:00," she confessed.

"So was I. I figured you had plenty of antique business so I piddled around like a kid waiting for my birthday party to start."

They laughed and exchanged stories about getting ready. The time passed quickly as they came to a restaurant they knew by reputation.

Waiting for their order to arrive, Matt asked, "Do you ever hear from Mary?"

"No, why?"

"No reason. I was curious if she and Professor 'Jerk face' are still together."

"Matt, are you over Mary and Professor Jurgens? If you're still carrying a torch for her, then I want this to be our first and last date. I refuse to compete with some never-ending memory of her."

Quickly he replied, "No no. I don't want this to be our last date. It's just so hard to get over that cheating slut of a wife."

Julie let out a long deep breath. "I know what you mean."

"Oh?"

"Never mind."

After a few moments of silence, the food was served. They ate in silence lost in thought about their pasts.

"Last Sunday would have been our twenty sixth anniversary," he said quietly.

After more contemplative quiet, Matt looked at Julie.

"Isn't this a fine kettle of fish. Here I am out with a beautiful woman and I'm wallowing in the past. I'm sorry."

"Well," Julie replied with a small laugh, "I haven't exactly been a barrel of laughs myself. Let's call it even and be done with it."

Their conversation became like two long lost friends catching up on news. They stepped out of the restaurant just as the sun broke through the clouds.

They were about 10 miles from the shop when Matt asked, "Do you specialize in a particular era or type of antique?"

"Nineteenth century; especially antebellum items."

"Sounds like a distant relative. Look! Look! It's Auntie Bellum!!" said Matt amused as his cleverness.

Julie's face said she had heard the joke too many times.

"OK, OK. So much for trying to be original. Just what is antebellum, anyway?" he asked.

"It's before the American Civil War. The word means 'before the war' but it has been identified so strongly with the South that it's understood to mean before the Civil War." She continued with a brief lecture on antebellum antiques, where they can be found, which ones are more desirable, and how to spot fakes. She was just starting on restoring antebellum furniture when Matt saw a sign on the left titled "Fred's Antique Shop".

"Is this the place?" asked Matt.

"Yeah. Pull in here," she replied.

Julie finished up a sentence on refinishing antebellum cabinets as the car pulled to a stop. By the time they were at the front door, her face changed to a professional poker player.

He admired how she walked confidently along the narrow cluttered aisles looking carefully at everything. Every now and then she stopped to examine a price tag then moved on. A cup and matching saucer made her pause. She looked at it carefully, turning both items upside down carefully reading the small inscriptions. She put them back in place, tapped the table twice then walked on.

After two hours they made it to the far side of the barn.

"Are you going to get that cup and saucer?"

Julie thought a moment then said, "I don't think so. Are you ready to go?"

"Only if you are," he said gently squeezing her hand.

She jumped and made a slight noise of fright.

"Did I hurt you?" Matt asked.

"No, not at all. I just didn't realize you were holding my hand."

"Uh, Julie? You reached for my hand when we first walked in," he said pointing to the entrance.

"Seriously?"

"On my honor," he said making the Boy Scout sign.

The vague recollection of reaching for his hand surfaced in her memory. A wave of heat covered her face then faded. They walked back to the car still holding hands letting go only long enough to get into the car.

Once the car was heading back to town, Julie took his right hand.

"I honestly don't remember taking your hand back there in the antique shop. Somehow, it just seemed so natural, like you were a part of me, so I didn't give it any thought. Does that make sense?" she asked.

"Sort of", said Matt. "It was a bit of a surprise, but I was flattered." He squeezed her hand and she squeezed back.

The drive back was full of plans to see other antique shops, go to bookstores, and any other reason they could think of to be together.

"That was fun," said Matt. The tone of his voice was sincere.

"I had a wonderful time," she replied. "Thanks very much."

"What shall we do now?" he asked.

"I don't know about you, but my bladder is about to burst," said Julie.

"Then how about this plan, You go inside and I'll park my car in back. Then I'll change clothes, order some pizza to be delivered at your place and we can watch TV, talk, play strip poker, or whatever. What toppings do you want?"

"Mushroom and hamburger with extra cheese. By the way, I only play strip poker on even number centuries. Since this is the 21st Century, you are out of luck." She emphasized the last five words by poking his arm while pronouncing each word. Matt grabbed his arm in mock pain.

She squeezed his hand then got out of the car. Matt watched her dart up the steps and go inside. He kept to the plan and was back on the front porch in 15 minutes.

They laughed when Julie opened the door. Both wore blue jeans, the same brand of tennis shoes, and the exact same sweatshirt with the university name and mascot.

Walking to the kitchen, Julie said, "Make yourself comfortable," motioning to the sofa," I'm just going to get something to drink. What would you like?"

"Anything is fine with me."

"How about a beer?"

"A woman after my own heart."

Matt followed her to the kitchen.

Taking a long sip of the delicious brew he asked, "When I saw you fixing the drinks it hit me you are always so graceful. Were you a dancer or a model?"

Julie smiled trying to downplay the compliment but inwardly appreciating it very much.

"Well, I was in ballet. But that was years ago. I still work out three days a week doing aerobics."

They sat across from each other at the dining table.

"Matt, I've given this a lot of thought. You have been so much fun these past couple of days. I feel a sense of trust with you that hasn't happened in years. I think I'm ready to talk about my secret," she said very softly.

"Are you sure?"

"I think so. Is it OK if I change my mind?" She looked anxious.

"Of course," said Matt reassuringly.

Julie's drink stayed in front of her face like a protective barrier. Taking a deep breath, she slowly lowered it to the table holding it with both hands.

"About 18 years ago," she began.

The doorbell rang.

Matt jumped up and ran to the door. He paid for the pizzas closing the door with his leg. Steam rose from the boxes. Matt took a plate and placed three slices of her order on it.

"What did you order?" she asked.

"The Carnivore Classic. It has all kinds of meat," he said.

"Oooh. Sounds good. May I try a slice?"

"Sure."

After a few minutes of ritual blowing, careful chewing, and quick sips, Matt asked, "You were saying something happened 18 years ago?"

Julie wanted to change her mind. But a small voice urged her to talk.

"About 18 years ago, I had a hysterectomy after a long battle with endometriosis. Do you know what endometriosis is?"

"Mary's sister has the problem. She was miserable when her periods came. But she didn't have surgery."

"Then I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say the surgery did a lot of good."

Her eyes showed fear again. Matt reached for her hands and squeezed them reassuringly.

"Is the hysterectomy your secret that scares men away?" he asked.

"No. If anything, men found it a relief to know I can't get pregnant."

After a long exhale, she resumed.

"About 4 years later, I found a lump in my right breast. The doctors ran tests and recommended a double mastectomy because of my family history. I thought about it but my ex persuaded me to do the one breast on the chance the cancer wouldn't spread. They thought they got it all but about 5 years later, a mammogram showed a small mass on the left breast. I got opinions from two other doctors but they were all in agreement so I went with another mastectomy."

She sat back in her chair feeling like a great weight was lifted from her.

"So what's the problem?"

Julie's face was incredulous.

"Are you that clueless? Matt, do you realize what I just told you? Once men find out I'm not a whole woman, they drop me like a ton of bricks. They act like I'm a boobless neutered freak who will break at the slightest breeze!!" she said pounding her clenched hands on the tabletop.

"How do men stay so damn calm?" she wondered. "Some reassurance or a quick exit would be nice. SOMETHING to get an idea where we stand."