Julie and Matt

"You are so beautiful," he said holding her face in his hands.

She caressed his hands. She desperately tried to find a way to get him to bed but fear overruled desire.

Matt walked backwards to the rear door never breaking his gaze of Julie. In a long moment, he was out the door. She watched him through the window over the sink as he walked to the apartment.

Matt turned back repeatedly waving goodbye and blowing kisses. She returned each gesture until he opened the back gate, went upstairs and closed the door. Julie sighed deeply, turned off the kitchen light and went to bed angry over letting fear win.

Curiosity made him want to be better informed as he opened the laptop. When he typed in the word "mastectomy", he was amazed at how many web sites there were. He tried narrowing it down a little by changing the search to "mastectomy" and "recovery". A lightly smaller number of hits appeared. One site had stories and photos of women coping with mastectomies. One of the stories was about a woman with a double mastectomy who had not chosen any reconstruction surgery. Her chest looked like a child's with two grotesque smiles from the surgery scars. But what impressed him most was her confident face. It showed a woman recovering from what to some would be devastating surgery and looking at life with confidence and hope.

The woman was in her early fifties. He read where she was at peace with the idea of not having reconstruction. Her main reasons were the cost, a reluctance to have any more surgery, and acknowledging that there was no feeling with a reconstructed breast. For her, it was not worth it.

Matt read other web sites on the battles women fight with sexual identity and confidence. He came away with a renewed respect for Julie and the demons he imagined she must be fighting. Finally, the information became repetitious.

When the computer clock which read "3:09 AM", Matt groaned. He went to bed tired but confident with a better understanding of what Julie was coping with. More importantly, he had an idea what she might look like in bed and the thought did not bother him.

Some hours later, Matt woke up to thunder and lightning. He looked out the window to see a dark sky with a little wind. A weather update on his cell phone confirmed cold and rain with increasing winds all day and into the night.

He called Julie.

"Julie, this is Matt."

"Yes Matt."

"How's the weather at your place? It's dark and rainy here."

"Funny you should say that. It's the same weather here."

"How about canceling the picnic and trip to the zoo? Maybe we can talk some more."

"You mean I didn't frighten you off last night?".

"Afraid not. You're stuck with me."

The certainty in his voice surprised her. He didn't seem as tentative or wary about what to do or say.

"Well, if I'm stuck with you, then you're stuck with me, too. By the way, I like this confidence in your voice."

"Thanks. Say, have you had breakfast?"

"No, why?"

"Well, I can run to the store and get some things then swing by and fix you a late brunch. Do you like omelets?"

"They're one of my favorites. How did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess. What do you like in them? Mushrooms? Bacon? Sausage? Green Peppers? Wallpaper?

"Mushrooms and bacon, please because I am trying to reduce my wallpaper intake. But Matt, you don't need to go to all this trouble for me."

"It's no trouble," he said. "Besides, I want to show off my cooking skills."

"Well, in that case, I accept your offer because I don't want to worry about melting in the rain."

"I agree. Melted landlords are no fun. I'll be there in about an hour."

"I'll be waiting."

Matt showered, dressed and was out the door in less than 15 minutes. The blowing air was a biting cold. He was lucky to step out while there was a break in the rain. His good fortune changed, though when he parked at the grocery store. About five steps from the car, a few cold drops of rain fell then a deluge soaked him as he entered the store.

The shopping went quickly and he walked to his car in a light drizzle. He was shivering from the wet clothes and cold. Back at the apartment, he enjoyed a long hot shower, dressed again and ran down the stairs to his car just as another round of rain started. He waited a few moments on her driveway waiting for the rain to let up. When it did, he lost no time gathering the groceries and running quickly to the porch.

Julie's warm smile made him forget about being wet. She kissed his cheek then led him to the kitchen. They carried on a light conversation about the storm while emptying the bags. The necessary cooking utensils were out and ready for use. Matt steered Julie to a chair at the kitchen table then began cooking.

He expertly fixed her omelets and slid them onto her plate with a flourish. He brought the plate to her along with silverware and a napkin. Next, he put a glass next to her plate then filled it with apple juice. Then, a few moments later, he sat across from her with his omelets. Julie poured the juice into his glass. Matt motioned to her to start eating.

"Mmmmmmmmm," said Julie after the first bite, "delicious!"

Matt beamed.

When they finished eating, Matt took the plates, glasses and silverware to the sink, rinsed them then put them into the dishwasher.

When Matt sat back down at the table, Julie said, "There's something different about you, Matt. Like I said, you sound a lot more sure of yourself. Am I imagining things?"

Matt smiled saying, "No, I think you're right. I do feel more comfortable about us now."

"How come? I can't imagine how any man would want to be with me after last night."

"I did a little research on the internet about what you shared yesterday."

"Really?"

"Oh my God!! Is this man a pervert? Wait. Let's not judge."

"What did you research?" she asked.

"Mastectomy. I had no idea there were so many websites on the subject. I even found a few with photos and...."

"You found WHAT?!?"

"A couple of websites with photos and stories about women who have gone through mastectomies and how some of them decided on reconstruction and others didn't."

"What did the photos show?" she asked. Her voice sounded like a judge waiting for the evidence but ready to pronounce "guilty".

"Women from the waist up with and without clothes," he said matter-of-factly.

"That's sick!" she yelled. "Why the hell would you get your jollies out of seeing some suffering women? Were all the porn sights full? I think you better leave."

She pushed away from the table and stood up.

"So the only explanation is that I am some kind of sick pervert?" asked Matt still sitting.

"Hell, yes! Why else would you do such a thing?" she said.

"For you."

"For ME?!" she yelled, "How is looking at other women nude from the waist up parading their scars of lost womanhood supposed to be for me?"

Matt clasped his hands on the table. He spoke in a calm voice.

"Julie, there is no way I can fully comprehend what you have gone through. Looking at these websites and reading the stories of these women has given me a better understanding of the loss you've dealt with. I am sorry if trying to better identify your demon of self-loathing and self-image is a problem."

"What makes you think I have any demons?" she replied sarcastically putting the word "demons" in air quotes.

"The way we have been on the verge of going to bed only to break it off. It seems to me you may have pent up emotions about the surgeries."

"Why thank you, doctor. You sound just like all the others. So damn calm and detached. Trying to be helpful but not really knowing what is going on inside me. Those women with their reproductive organs intact and two whole breasts who tried to be consoling made me so angry. The ones with hysterectomies or mastectomies always seem to imply I should move on with life like they did! They didn't know my pain. All they could do was quote their books and stay cool and collected, like you."

Matt had never seen anyone so angry and vulnerable. He knew she was at a crossroads and badly wanted to find a path they could be at peace with.

After a few moments of silence he asked, "What would you have preferred they do?"

"Just tell me they don't have all the answers. Quit acting like I should live in an emotional vacuum or keep my feelings bottled up inside me. Accept me for who I am! Not someone to pity," she said sobbing.

"And who are you?" asked Matt.

"What?"

"Who ARE you? Who is the real Julie?"

She wiped her eyes pondering the simple yet complex the question.

Sitting down she replied, "I'm Julie Meade; mother of two boys; divorced; landlord..."

"Anything else?" asked Matt after a brief silence.

"Successful antique dealer, cancer free for eight years; scared of another recurrence; scared of dying...and most of all..."

She knew her next sentence was absolutely true. It gave her peace and terrified her at the same time because she didn't know how Matt would respond. Taking a deep breath, she looked Matt in the eye saying, "and most of all, terrified of losing you."

She felt another weight lifted from her shoulders. Never had she felt so exposed and liberated in her life. She was nervous as Matt quickly stood up. The fear evaporated as Matt hurried toward her with open arms.

She was on her feet in a second. They embraced saying nothing for many minutes while Julie cried.

"You must think I am a hopeless mess."

His index finger hooked under her chin gently raising her head until she was looking into his blue eyes.

"You are beautiful," he said quietly.

"You're serious, aren't you?" barely getting the words out before their lips touched.

Their tongues gently explored each other then began another frantic fencing match. She felt his left-hand comb through her hair then his lips softly kiss her forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose, ears, jaw and neck. Julie responded with low moans while quietly rubbing his chest and neck.

"Let's go sit down" he said gently guiding her toward the living room.

They walked toward the couch side by side with arms around each other's waist. After they sat, Julie snuggled as close as possible to him. They listened to the steady rain on the house.

After many minutes Julie sat up right and faced Matt saying, "I'm sorry for blowing up in there. No one but my support group has taken this kind of interest in me before. You spoke so enthusiastically about the web sites I couldn't imagine any man reading about such a thing unless he was a pervert. Then, when your voice changed, it reminded me of this one doctor. He meant well, but he always seemed uncomfortable with me having feelings. It was if I wasn't allowed to have them. I guess all these emotions came to the surface and you caught it."

"It's OK, Julie," said Matt reassuringly, "It's a normal thing for guys to focus on solutions instead of feelings. But before we can work on a solution, we need information. So, I was up until about three this morning reading about mastectomies. And just so you will know, out of the many websites I read, only two of them had any photos. I take it your husband didn't do much research?"

"I don't think so. Oh, he read the brochures and talked with the doctors as much as possible. He was so attentive each time I was recovering from surgery. He was by my side, taking care of the boys, doing housework, fixing meals, staying at home. But when I started getting better, he went back to his old ways. I suppose it was his way of confirming I would be OK. Since I was going to recover, he felt free to cheat again. It was easiest when I didn't think about it. You know, ignore the problem and it goes away. If I thought about him being out with some other woman, I'd get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I remember one time wondering how long I could fake a recovery just so he would stay home. But I knew if he ever found out, it would just make matters worse."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you, Julie. I was simply trying to understand what you are dealing with so I can be of some help."

"That's the most beautiful thing you could have said, Matt. I can't think of any man, including my ex, who thought so much of me. Thanks."

The rain noise changed like a faucet being turned off slowly. Sitting safe in Matt's arms, she felt a deep curiosity about Matt's internet research. Mustering courage she cautiously asked, "Would you show me that website?"

"Which website?"

"You know, the one with the photos."

"Sure."

They held hands walking to Julie's office. Matt pulled up a chair and guided Julie to sit in front of the computer.

Within minutes they were immersed in looking at mastectomy information on numerous web sites. They talked at length about various web pages, if the information was current, what made the site worthwhile, and how it could be improved. Julie even got the courage to look at the website with the photos. But she couldn't bring herself to get past the home page and see another woman's scars no matter how much Matt encouraged her. They were oblivious to the time until Matt looked up from the monitor. It was dark outside.

"Do you know what time it is?" he asked.

"All part of my master plan to keep you here for dinner," she replied trying to sound sinister.

"Well, it worked. I'm getting a little hungry. How about you?"

"Oh, a little," she said coyly. "What do you think about a light dinner then dessert?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean us, silly."

"Are you sure about dinner then dessert? What about dessert first?"

"Hmmmmm. I like that idea."

He leaned over to kiss her. She felt his lips then his tongue. Her tongue stroked his and they held each other for a long time.

"I'm still nervous about you seeing all of me," she said. "So, I want to ask a favor. I am going to set the stove timer for 15 minutes then go back to my bedroom. If you still want dessert first, come back when the timer goes off. I have only one request. Do not under any circumstances turn a light on when you enter. It's the last door on the right"

Matt smiled saying, "That's the sexiest invitation I have ever heard. Are you sure you need 15 minutes? How about 10 instead?"

"15 minutes," she said firmly.

"Deal," he said in mock exasperation.

They exchanged a long simmering kiss before she got up doing a slow sexy walk to the kitchen. She set the time for 17 minutes then walked back toward the office. She calmly leaned against the office doorway.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"I've never been more serious," he said confidently.

She blew him a kiss then slowly walked down the hall.

Closing the bedroom door behind her, Julie was bombarded with emotions. She wanted to jump up and down with joy but also scared he might leave. She wanted Matt to hold her and help her feel like a woman yet was afraid he would be repulsed by what he might see.

A peace came over her with the thought that he would have left before now if he was truly revolted by her. She quickly walked to her window and closed the curtains then turned on the lamp by her bed. Next, she removed all clothes including the prosthesis. She found an ace bandage in the bathroom and wrapped it around her chest then secured it. In the closet she pulled a white terrycloth robe that was like an old friend. She put it on, made sure everything was off the floor and cleared a lane for Matt as wide as possible.

After turning down the sheets to the bed Julie took a last sweeping look of the room moving toward the light switch by the door and nodded her head in satisfaction. Turning off the lights, she walked over to the bed, tugged the robe lapels tightly and lay down. She turned off the lamp and waited.

Matt stood at the stove like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. He jumped when the timer sounded then immediately turned it off. He clicked off the kitchen lights and living room. A plug-in night-light was burning brightly as he looked down the hall. He knocked softly on her door.

"Come in," she said sounding nervous.

He entered the room and quickly shut the door behind him. It was pitch black. His first instinct was to feel the wall to turn on a light.

Julie said, "Please don't look for a light switch, Matt. Just follow my voice. There is a clear path to the bed."

He waited a few moments for his eyes to adjust but the room was too dark. Her voice was ahead and to his right. He walked straight ahead angling slightly to the left as he sensed he was getting nearer to the bed. His outstretched hands made contact with the mattress while she assured him he was getting closer. He began feeling along the mattress until he made contact with the footboard.

"Matt, I'm up here."

"I know."

She heard him remove his clothing. When his hand gently touched her left foot, she jumped. Her body quickly relaxed as he sensually massaged it, then kissed and sucked each toe.

"I think the groans mean you like it. May I continue?"

"Please do," said a slightly husky voice.

Slowly and gently he carefully massaged her ankle and shin then came up her calf to the hem of the robe. She felt him touch her right foot and the wonderful feeling of arousal grew as he repeated the kneading. He kissed each area he had just touched. When those magic hands and lips reached the hem of her robe, she felt the corners being turned back.

He picked up where he left off with her left leg starting with the calf then slowly working up the thigh being careful not to touch the inside portion. By the time he finished the right leg, anticipation was making it difficult for Julie to lay still. She wanted him to go faster but this exquisitely slow torture felt amazing. The robe's knot was loosened. She heard the cord land on either side of her then all was still.

He opened the robe. Matt's fingers gently traced along the inside of her left thigh and she felt a growing heat. The right thigh was equally pleasurable and when he did both thighs at the same time leisurely gliding his hands to her labia, she let out a long moan.

He was on the bed between her legs in a crouching position. Two fingers softly spread her lips and gently rubbed them.

"God, you feel so wet! I love it!"

She gasped when one finger softly grazed her clit. His hands moved on either side of her womanhood and met on her mons. The erotic massage stopped and she sensed his hands felt tense like as though about to jerk them away.

"Is something wrong?" she asked trying not to sound overly concerned.

"There is no hair. Was this from radiation therapy?"

"No, silly. For the hysterectomy. They shaved me and when the hair began growing back, it was very itchy. The ex liked it shaved so I decided why not? Been doing it ever since."

"I'd like to continue if that is OK with you," he replied sounding relieved.

"God, I'm falling in love with this guy," she thought to herself.

"Please do," came the sexy reply.

He continued moving his hand around her womanhood. The other hand began tracing long lazy circles around her pelvis and up toward her navel. His lips and tongue followed this hand kissing or licking the area just touched. She made a slight sound and jumped.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No," she said with a reassuring giggle, "it tickles. Actually, it's arousing. No one has ever touched the hysterectomy scar. No one ever wanted to touch me there, come to think of it."

He licked the mark three times and she jerked slightly with each touch. The tongue and hands continued their sensuous patrol. The circles and kisses relaxed and excited her. When those amazing fingers crossed her lower ribs, she grabbed his hand. He was less than an inch away from the bandage.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not ready, Matt. I'm sorry."

"Ready for what?" he asked.

"For you to touch me there," she said in a trembling voice. She guided his finger to the bandage edge.