Julie and Matt

"Do you believe that?"

"Do I believe what?"

"That you are a boobless neutered freak who will break at the slightest breeze."

They stared at each other barely moving. Her eyes changed from anger to sadness. The words hurt deeply even though he was simply parroting her. She dropped her eyes to the table and said very softly, "No."

"Neither do I," he whispered.

She wanted to believe him but fear of another rejection and years of pent-up rage poured out.

"Then why do men drop me once I tell them my history? Every time it's the same story. We go out a few times and get along well. We have good times together and seem to enjoy each other's company. But when it looks like we are going to get physical I tell them these are not real," she said grabbing her prosthesis and fighting back tears.

"The moment they found out about the operations, they quit calling me. It's like since there are no nipples there is no way I can get aroused so no way we can enjoy sex."

Matt leaned forward caressing her fists. Looking tenderly into her wet eyes he said, "I can't explain why those guys acted the way they did. I guess they were just jerks."

"Where do I go from here?" he thought. "I think she wants to talk some more but what do I say?" Words came to him from out of nowhere.

"I am truly saddened over what has happened to you, Julie," Matt began. "I wish I had a magic wand to make everything right, but I don't. On the other hand, neither does anyone else."

The tiniest smile showed on her face.

"My ex-sister-in-law has endometriosis, like I said. How hard was it to recover from the surgery?"

"Physically or emotionally?" she asked.

"Both."

"Well," she said releasing a long sigh, "the physical recovery was painful for about 8 weeks. I did the exercises, didn't use stairs, and took it easy. The emotional scars are still with me. Are you sure you want to hear about this?"

"Yes, I do," he said confidently. "It's important to you so that makes it important to me."

"That is so sweet," she replied while thinking how she wanted to kiss him. "I don't know if you are lying or not, but I'll take you at your word."

She continued, "I have an idea how the family pet feels after being neutered. I don't miss the pain and discomfort, but that surgery took away my chance at having any more children. I didn't necessarily want more, but the option was no longer there. The estrogen patches keep me on an even keel but they are also a reminder that a part of me is missing. I suppose it would be a lot more depressing if I hadn't had the boys before the surgery."

After a few moments he asked, "How did your husband feel about this?"

"Oh, he was fine with it," she said cynically, "No more birth control, no more checking the calendar to see what time of the month it was. No more condoms. He was ready for sex all the time."

"And you weren't?"

She paused.

"I think I was ready but not all the time. He kept acting like I should be grateful and happy about it. Like not getting pregnant was a blessing. I asked him how he'd feel if his testicles had been removed and he just looked at me mumbling something about it not being the same thing."

"Do you think he was being selfish or helpful?"

"I don't know. I've thought about that a lot since our divorce. I've decided he was just trying to get things back to normal the only way he knew how."

"I'm sorry, Julie. I must sound like an armchair therapist. Those months of counseling after the divorce made more of an impression than I realized."

"You're doing fine," she replied. "If you get out of hand, I'll just kick you out and keep the pizza."

"I believe you would."

They laughed then continued eating.

"Do you want to talk about the...," pointing vaguely at her chest.

"What is this?" she said mimicking his gesture. "You mean the mastectomy?"

"Yeah"

"Well, first of all, you need to learn to say it. MAS TEK TOE MEE"

"Mastectomy"

Matt shifted and looked at the wall behind her. Julie decided to keep him on the hook.

"Very good. Now say it again."

"Mastectomy"

"Again"

"Mastectomy"

"Again"

"Why the hell for?"

"Just making sure".

Her voice reminded him of his first-grade teacher praising students for reading their first word.

"You should never be embarrassed by the surgeries. They're no one's fault. They aren't punishment from God. They just happened and should be talked about the same way we discuss having an appendix removed."

"It's going to take me a little while to catch up with you. Is that OK?"

"You mean I haven't scared you away?"

"No. Were you trying to?"

"I'm sorry, Matt. It's just that I'm more uncomfortable talking about this than I thought I'd be. No man has ever asked me these questions before."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No"

"OK then. Do you want to talk about the MAS TEK TOE MEEZ?"

"You remembered! I'm proud of you."

She was quiet again collecting her thoughts. Gaiety left her eyes replaced by melancholy. She took another bite of pizza followed by a long drink.

"I was scared of dying when the first lump was found. I just knew death was only months away. My ex worked so hard to talk me out of a double mastectomy. He felt it wasn't worth the risk of destroying a perfectly healthy breast on a guess. We argued about it but he finally won. I don't remember how, exactly. I think his stubbornness just wore me down. And maybe deep down, I wanted to keep a breast."

"How come?"

She looked away as though searching a script.

"This may not be completely accurate, but it's the best I can do. My breasts represented three things. First, they were an outward and visible sign of being a woman. I remember when Mom sat down with me and we had 'the talk' that every girl is supposed to have. She explained about my budding nipples being a sign of becoming a woman. She also talked about sex and monthly periods. I don't remember much about it because I was so excited about going bra shopping. I was a few months away from turning 14 and it seemed like EVERY girl was wearing a bra except me. Second, they were a source of nourishment for the boys. I loved being pregnant and the way my body was changing. I had life growing in me so getting bigger and not seeing my feet was a small price to pay. I went from an A cup to a B cup by the time the first boy was born. And when he nursed for the first time, it was heaven. I'd read up on it and thought I knew it all. But when the letdown reflex kicked in the first time and he was getting nourishment from me, I've never felt happier. There was some sexual stimulation, but the books prepared me for it. I wanted to nurse them forever but had to quit when they starting getting teeth. Those little buggers can hurt!"

Julie paused looking beyond Matt reliving a past moment. Matt was completely absorbed.

"Third, they were a source of sexual pleasure. I've never said this out loud before but having a man feel my breasts was always a big turn on. Especially, when he took his time. Sliding his fingers along the bottom side, gently making smaller and smaller circles around them like a car going up a mountain until finally just barely touching the nipple. I could almost have an orgasm just from that. Sucking the nipples would push me over the edge. My ex was a master at it, but..."

"But what?" he asked. Matt shifted to accommodate the increased swelling in his pants.

"Let's just say he had a lot of practice."

"Oh," he replied. He could feel his face turning red again.

Julie leaned forward resting her elbows on the table and crossing her arms.

"Were you surprised that sex was not number one item about my breasts? Why are men so damn fixated on breasts, anyway? And why do men get so Victorian when talking with a woman about her breasts or reproductive system?"

Matt leaned back.

"I...I don't know. Yes, I was a little surprised, but it makes sense now that I think about it. Maybe we get Victorian because they are so important and we don't know how to relate. Regarding fixation, I think part of it is your first point that it's a sign of being a woman. I think a lot of it is the mystery."

"What mystery?"

"You know, the unknown, the untouchable. Women wear bras to cover their breasts yet covering them is very noticeable. Men are curious as to why. We can go in public without a shirt but women can't. We tend to be visual creatures, so we want to see them. Women know this so some show just enough to be tantalizing. Besides, they are soft to touch and it gives a woman pleasure."

Matt was feeling uncomfortable trying to explain what to him was a basic instinct. Julie was busy processing the new information.

"Perhaps that's why I'm annoyed and flattered when men talk to my chest. I guess they're trying to solve a mystery."

Matt took up the questions again.

"How did you feel when the remaining breast was removed?"

"I was devastated. It was bad enough to lose one but losing both of them nearly killed me. I was mad at my husband for talking me out of the double mastectomy because it seemed like the cancer was just eating away at me a little at a time. I was angry at God for letting this happen. I was ready to die because I didn't want another round of surgery, chemo, exhaustion and recovery."

"What changed your mind?"

"The support group. They helped me realize that I loved the boys too much to leave them without a fight. As much as I wanted to surrender to cancer, I loved my boys more. So, I gritted my teeth and survived it."

"Do you still see your support group?"

"No. I quit seeing them regularly a few years ago."

"Why?"

"At the time, it was priceless to know I was not alone. They held my hand through everything and gave me the encouragement I needed to hang on and triumph. I reached a point though, where I got tired of focusing on the cancer and recovery. That's when I got started collecting antiques. We stay in touch, but not as frequently."

Matt leaned forward again.

"When we were at the restaurant today, I said something about my cheating ex-wife and you said you knew what I meant. Then a few minutes ago, you said your ex was a master at arousing you because he had lots of practice. Was he seeing another woman while you were going through all this?"

"More like other women," she replied frowning.

"I don't understand. Why would any man cheat on you?"

"In some ways, it was my fault. When we were dating, I knew he had a roaming eye. I thought I could change him. But there was something in him that made it impossible to commit to only one woman. The marriage had begun drifting apart before our first son was born. I hoped that when he became a father, he would settle down. And he did, for a little while. He was a good provider and he loved the boys. But he just needed to keep seeing other women. It was when the youngest started college he filed for a divorce."

She chuckled at this last statement then continued.

"HE needed a divorce. That's a laugh. I think he was afraid of a fourth round of surgery. It's funny. For a long time I figured the surgeries and recovery time were the reasons for our breakup. Each surgery took a little longer to recover and sex was low on my list of priorities. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex, but I wanted to get healthy first. A few weeks ago, I saw him with a longtime friend of ours. They had dated before we married. But the way they held one another told me they had been seeing each other for a while. That's when it hit me that it didn't matter what I did. The marriage would have fallen apart unless he changed."

"How long did it take you to get over him?"

Julie paused then replied, "I suppose in a way, I'll never be over him completely. I mean, I had two children by him. But to answer your question, it took about 2 years. I decided I was getting on with my life when his birthday came and went and it didn't even occur to me until the next day."

She changed positions in her chair.

"Thank God these chairs aren't vinyl covered. I've sat here so long, I'd be stuck," she quipped. "Now, I have some questions for you."

"Shoot."

"How long did it take you to get over Mary?"

His eyebrows pursed as he looked away.

"I suppose it's like with you. I'll never be completely over her," he said turning back to Julie. "The therapist helped me a lot after the divorce. But, talking about Mary and Jurgens today helped me realize any remaining anger I'm carrying around is stupid. Looking back, the marriage began to die when she kept prodding me to apply for openings at the university. I love teaching economics and don't need the promotions to feel good about myself. She wanted more status so began casting around for someone eager to advance. Regardless, I want to get on with life and I want to do it with you."

They reached for each other's hand.

"Matt, you understand, even though I've been cancer free for 8 years now, there is always a chance it could come back again. Does that scare you?"

"Hell, yes it scares me. But, not enough to leave you. It just means we will need to live each day as much as possible."

His statement and the simple gesture of holding hands said volumes. Julie felt like a great curtain had been lifted. She saw the world clearly and Matt was on center stage.

Matt, on the other hand, was mentally exhausted. He had learned so much about Julie and himself these past two days that it was almost overwhelming. More importantly, he knew she was the most amazing and beautiful woman anywhere. He wanted to pick her up and carry her to the nearest bed. "You don't do that to a lady no matter how tempting it is", he kept reminding himself. The growing manhood was becoming very distracting.

"You are so amazing, Julie," said Matt. "Could I see you again on Tuesday?"

"What's wrong with tomorrow?" she asked. Immediately, she wanted to take back the question fearing it sounded desperate.

"Nothing. I just don't want to wear out my welcome."

"That's not a problem. I enjoy being with you even when I don't remember taking your hand."

"OK then. How about a picnic and a trip to the zoo tomorrow? We can leave around ten and just take our time."

"Perfect. I'll be ready."

They finished the pizza in that contented quiet way loving couples possess. There was no rush, no worry about being politically correct. Just two people who cared for and needed each other. As if on cue, they simultaneously stifled yawns. Matt stood up taking the empty bottles and pizza boxes to the trash container under the sink.

He turned around and noticed a faraway look in Julie's eyes. Her upturned interlocked hands supported her chin.

"You are so beautiful, Julie. A penny for your thoughts."

"I think I'd like to share a bed with him," she thought.

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about this wonderful day," she replied.

She rose and glided to his outstretched arms. When they kissed, the world stood still. His tongue rubbed her lips slowly and sensually. Matt opened his eyes when he felt her mouth open. He saw Julie with eyes closed, enjoying the moment. Satisfied it was not a mistake, his eyes shut. The touch of tongues became an exquisite taste, breathing became heavier, their hands caressed each other's shoulders slowly and gently. Feeling her body push against him was almost more than he could handle.

Matt lightly pushed against her shoulders. Their eyes locked.

"Wow"

"I agree," said Julie.

"Where do we go from here?" he asked.

Julie wanted to lead him to her bedroom, but an uncertainty began stirring within her.

"Are you moving too fast into something we'll regret later? Will he be afraid of the scars? Should I make the first move? Hasn't he already made the first move?" were among the many thoughts running through her head.

Matt saw her eyes moving rapidly back and forth searching his face for an answer or at least a clue to his question. He wanted to kiss her entire body, make love all night, then do the same thing tomorrow and every day after that. But he was afraid of alienating her by moving too fast. She was too great a prize to risk losing over some uncontrolled urges.

"I could hold you like this all night, but I had better go," said Matt.

While Julie said she understood, her eyes showed disappointment. He cupped her face and kissed her again. When he felt her fingers delicately going up and down his crotch, the only thing which made sense was to pick her up and carry her to the nearest bed. Instead, he grabbed her wrist. She looked at him mildly startled.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked.

"No. It's just that what you are doing is very stimulating."

"Well, it's supposed to be."

"Do you understand where this could lead?"

"Bed?"

Her mischievous dimples returned. Matt was stunned.

"Is this moving too fast? But how fast should it move when she feels my dick?" he thought.

He guided her hand back to his crotch then put his hands on her ribs, leisurely rubbing them up and down. Julie's hand slid lightly along his zipper. The outline of his erection felt wonderful to her even as she felt her confidence waning.

"I don't think you're carrying a gun down there so can I assume you are happy?" she asked with a roguish smile. Then anguish began dominating her thoughts.

"You may be ready for him but is he ready for you?" the voice asked Julie.

Julie's other hand wrapped around Matt's neck as he bent closer. As their lips touched for another round of dueling tongues, a louder alarm sounded in Julie's head.

"What are you doing? Are you sure you want him to see you naked?" the warning demanded to know.

Fear now replaced desire and Julie felt vulnerable. Too vulnerable. Carefully, she withdrew her tongue from his mouth then allowed space between them. Matt looked at her quizzically.

"Matt, perhaps you're right. Maybe you should be going," she said quietly looking at his shirt.

"Why?"

She paused before replying, "I...I...don't know, exactly. Up until now, I have always felt very comfortable around you and see you as one of my closest friends and a great tenant. But telling you about the operations makes me feel vulnerable and nothing good has come from telling men about my health. Being in your arms then feeling your crotch excites and scares me. Don't get me wrong, it's very flattering to know you're aroused. But that also means our friendship could be changing to something physical and I'm not sure I am ready for that step. I think I'm afraid you'll turn out like the others and leave."

He thought for a brief second then asked, "Is it the changing relationship or fear of seeing each other naked?"

"Both. No, I'm lying." After a long pause, she looked in Matt's eyes and confessed, "It's all about being naked. Matt, try to understand, this chest is an illusion," she said touching her bra. "I need a little more time to prepare. Besides, I get the impression you're a little hesitant, also."

"Well, yes, but not because of the mastectomies. You are a very beautiful and desirable woman with or without the surgeries. But even more importantly, you are a friend and a lady. And I don't want to risk ruining things by moving faster than you want. I don't know where this will end either, but I know you are absolutely wonderful. We are definitely going down a road that is changing our friendship to something deeper and I'm not sure I can adjust either..."

"Uh oh," said a negative voice, "this is where he tries to let you down gently."

"But I want to try."

It took a moment for the words to sink in. Her mouth opened slightly while her eyes met his. Feelings of longing and uncertainty boiled up inside her.

After a moment of searching Matt's eyes for the truth, Julie replied, "You're serious, aren't you?"

"I've never been more serious."

They kissed. Her lips touched his but there was no tongue sneaking out toward his mouth. Matt decided it was time to go home.