Kat Fight

##Tristen

I hadn't seen Katherine in a month and it was driving me crazy. I felt my temper press against my skin every weekend she said she was too busy to meet up. I tried to placate my temper in the messages, reminding myself she was a busy woman with a kid. I texted Ben frequently, my older lover telling me about work and his needy cat. I wanted to see Ben again too, needing to feel his mouth again. I wanted to pleasure him with my mouth again.

My endocrinologist suggested yoga or breathing exercises to manage my anger when I called her. We had upped my testosterone, which led me to constantly being horny and angry. Even at work, I was clipped and short with others. I snapped at Jean for asking after a project on a deadline and had to apologize later. I vented to Millie after they offered to listen but I didn't feel any better afterwards. My maintenance orgasms were up to 5 times a week with no reprieve in sight. All I wanted was to be inside Katherine again. I would strum my cock in bed as I imagined Katherine's moans in the walls of my room. Sometimes I would touch myself as I thought about Ben's cock in my ass, plug stretching me out as I barked out hard moans.

Listlessness was all I felt. I was hardly able to focus on my work, trashing WIP after WIP. I went for a long hike on a cloudy Bremerton morning, the exertion enough to bring me focus for rest of the day. It was then I realized I should exercise more because of the T. In the evening, after work, I donned shorts and went for a run. I didn't want to risk my binder, opting for a sports halter and double shirts. I didn't plan to enter any public places. It was easier than I expected, the burn in my lungs less intense than I imagined. I listened to some sassy saxophone as I did a light jog, the calves burning with my worn-out sneakers. The anger and arousal was dimmer as I showered afterward.

Katherine was finally free on Saturday. Relief washed over me as I planned to go over to her place for a game night. She invited me over to a game night with her kiddo and two partners. I asked if I could bring Ben and she agreed. Ben was delighted to play a bunch of board games with a bunch of queers. Ben kissed me on the hand when he met me outside Katherine's condo on the sidewalk just after dinner time. His overcast eyes glimmered in joy in spending time with some queer people close to his age. He chose a casual outfit, a structured navy sweater and tan denim, accentuating his sharp features and peppered hair. I envied how he looked so effortlessly attractive. While I couldn't even grow a beard.

I was stunned speechless by Katherine's beauty when she answered the door to her condo. Her brown eyes sparkled behind rainbow lenses, her violet hair piled high on her head. She wore a long black tunic and leggings, giving the tree and symbol tattoos on her arms more focus. I didn't miss the dark circles under her eyes. I hardly resisted kissing her where she stood, smiling at me and Ben on her stoop. She invited us in and shook Ben's hand. Her feminine lilt asked me, "Is this *the* Ben*?"*

I nodded, flushing in my cheeks.

Ben's sultry low voice asked, "*The* Ben?"

Katherine smiled jovially. "Something about a silver fox. I now see what Tristen meant."

His graying eyebrow rose high on his face. "I don't know if I would use those words exactly."

Both Katherine and I giggled a bit. He definitely was a silver fox, whether he would admit it or not.

Katherine gestured toward her dining room, "Well let me introduce you to the rest of the gaggle."

Katherine led us to her cherry wood dining table, occupied by two people. She introduced them, "The pink haired one is my kiddo. Dio, say hi to Tristan and Ben."

The pink haired enby couldn't have been over 20, button nosed and doe-eyed over a UW hoodie. They typed away at their phone before raising their hand at us. They eyed me particularly. They faced Katherine, "Is this the guy you kissed the same night you met?"

She rolled her eyes, the comment drawing the attention of everyone in the room. "I know, I know. Jeez. No kissing on the first date because I'm Demi." The two people at the table laughed. She gestured to the older individual at the table who was organizing cards, "This is Cyprus, my partner."

They sorted the stack of cards they were working on, raising a hand to greet us. They wore thin framed glasses under sandy brown hair. They wore a worn out leather coat over a blue flannel. I found them to be cute and pegged them close to my age.

Katherine gripped the back of a wood chair and gestured to her open concept kitchen, brightly lit with overhead metal lights hanging from wire. "Last but not certainly not least, Marie, my other partner."

A tall woman turned her head, long oaken hair spilled down her back. She gave a wide smile, showing teeth as she said, "Hi! Nice to meet you." She wore a long floral dress down to her ankles. She was older, perhaps Ben's age. The grey hair was prevalent on her temples and her eyes crinkled when she smiled. She emerged from the kitchen with a platter of cut vegetables, baby carrots and broccoli beside ranch. She cheerfully quipped, "You might want to grab some broccoli before I eat it all."

We all got settled at the table placed with a charcuterie and veggies. Cups and drinks were placed on the counter for self service. Katherine started as everyone helped themselves to drinks and snacks, "Perhaps we should do pronouns first since I forgot when I introduced everyone?"

Dio peeked up from their phone. Marie piped up as she poured some soda, "That's a great idea, dear!"

So around the table we went, starting with Katherine. "Katherine. She/her."

Next to her was Dio, who set the phone down for a second, "Dio. They/It."

Cyprus was to their left, "Cyprus. They/them."

Marie was still standing, Dio giving her the puppy eyes for a drink. "Marie. She/her."

I was next, getting suddenly anxious for no good reason. They were all queer. I swallowed before I said, "Tristan. He/him."

Ben sat next to me, marveling at how open they all were about all this, "Ben. He/him. Excuse me, Dio, did you say it?"

Dio peered at him, after Marie handed them a cup. "Yep. I like It/its pronouns too."

Ben blinked.

Dio sighed, "The queer community has reclaimed those pronouns. I take it you don't do social media."

Ben smiled at them, "Not really. I do read the news on my phone."

Dio got an expression like they've had to explain this before a few times, "The queer community has reclaimed a lot of words that were previously offensive. My friends and I call each other the f word. And not fuck."

Cyprus clarified, "They mean faggot."

Both Ben and Marie cringed actively cringed. I was a bit shocked. The younger queers called each other that? I guess if they were all okay with it, I couldn't judge. It was cool that the queer youth were reclaiming their queer heritage. I had mixed feelings about people calling me that word but I had a more active problem with being called a tranny. And being misgendered.

Marie cut in, "Maybe we shouldn't use that word here though. It makes me uncomfortable."

I could tell Ben agreed but didn't voice anything.

We broke into some cards and later ordered pizza. The rest of the conversations were congenial and easy-going, discussing jobs, degrees, hikes and food. Ben was just as talkative as Marie. Dio was the quietest, glued to their phone habitually. Katherine admitted to hating olives and Ben agreed. Marie hated Brussels sprouts. Dio abhorred onions. Cyprus didn't hate any vegetables particularly but was vehement about a pineapple pizza. I joined, voicing my great disgust for spinach. It was a free for all in the kitchen when the pizza came. Katherine smiled at me and touched my shoulder as we waited in the back. I resisted another urge to kiss her pink lips. I felt a streak of jealousy as I watched her drop a kiss on Cyprus's mouth as we sat again. I swallowed it, trying desperately not to let my temper get the best of me. I really needed to parse out these feelings of jealousy I was having before they boiled over.

I was happy I got to meet a bunch of other queers even as my jealousy gnawed at me on the drive home. We all hugged and said goodbye at Katherine's door. I hugged Katherine who mentioned being available next weekend to meet me. I think that was the only reason I didn't get angry.

I thought about my feelings about Katherine over the next week, the only thing coming to mind being that I didn't get enough time with her. I saw her once a month if I was lucky even if we didn't text constantly. Apparently that wasn't enough.

Those jealous feelings boiled over the Saturday Katherine came over. She was running late after an urgent call from Marie. I paced in my front room, trying to breathe through my anger. I was never this angry before, never possessive or violently jealous like this. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. Maybe I should cancel with Katherine. Call my endo. Schedule some therapy. I was just so frantic to see her alone, having been a month since I saw her last. I was desperate to feel her mouth on my skin. First I had to calm down. I couldn't take this out on her. These were my feelings, my responsibility to handle. I put on some jazz and started cleaning the kitchen. Activity lessened my anger, my listlessness some. I took some deep breaths as I scrubbed the counters. I was excited to see her. Excited to touch her. Maybe she would let me kiss her, let me fuck her. We could talk art. Plan a hike. Yeah. That sounded great.

She made it two feet into the house, purple hair down over her shoulders before I had my hands on her. She wore a pair of dark jeans and band shirt under her leather jacket. She murmured into my lips as I leaned into her, "Sorry I'm late." I cut her off by crushing my mouth to hers. She moaned into my open mouth, my tongue seeking hers. I was already hard, already wanting to take her to my bed. I savored the sweet taste of her mouth until she leaned back. "Tristan..." I kissed her again, needing her lips on mine. She leaned back again, "Is everything okay?"

I begged against her mouth, mind clouded with unfulfilled lust, "Please Katherine. Kiss me."

She nosed my cheek before kissing my lips. "Tristan. I am really sorry. I gave you a time and..."

I cut her off again, "It's okay. Just kiss me." I was feral in my want of her, running my hands down her sides, kissing her cheek and jaw. She smelled like vanilla and evening rain. She was so warm in my hands, here with me, real and present. I didn't want to let her go.

Katherine gave me a peck on my lips, "I feel bad for making you wait. What if I buy you dinner?"

I didn't want dinner. Not with my cock stiff just at the sight of her. I wanted her. Right now. No. I didn't want to objectify her, sexualize her like Matt did to me. I gave her another swift peck before taking a deep breath, adjusting my jeans.

Her brows furrowed over her piercing brown eyes, pinning me in place where I stood. "Tristan, I would like it if you told me what's on your mind. You were quiet last Saturday."

I told her a half truth, "Just turned on like usual."

She gave me a sultry look, "We can skip dinner if you'd like. Or we can do dessert first and order dinner after?"

My brain locked up, wanting that more than I could put to words. I scolded myself. No. I didn't just want sex from Katherine. I wanted a relationship. Wait. Was that it? Why I was so jealous with her? I wanted her as a partner? God, I didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted from her. I was a mess. God I needed to fuck her right fucking now. I needed to pour every time I missed her into my worship of her body. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, the jealousy and anger. I didn't want her to get angry, to ghost me for being difficult.

She watched my thoughts flit through my eyes, holding my shoulders as fought with myself. She caught my chin with her fingers, making me look at her. "Tristan, please just tell me what you need."

I pulled away from her, a right and proper mess of feelings now. I stepped into the kitchen, my temper winning over my logic. I just wanted a quiet night with her, just us together. Why was I so damn self-defeating? I put my hands on the counter, taking a few deep breaths. She followed, worry etched on her lovely features. Everything welled up in me, a month of anger over busy weekends and late texts. A month of wanting her and not having her, watching her kiss another partner and lavish another in compliments. A month of frustration and guilt, at her, at myself, cycling again and again. All of it burgeoned out of me, becoming cutting words from my mouth, "I can't do this, Katherine. I don't want just sex from you. I want to be with you. I want more than you give me. More time. More attention. I can't deal with it."

She looked at the floor. "Okay. I will try to carve out more time for you."

I barked, my temper raging through my voice, "It's not enough. It won't be enough. I'm not a priority to you. You already have two partners. Why do you need me?"

There was a sadness in her eyes as she looked at me. "Tristan..."

I carried on, spun up now, "You don't want me as a partner!"

I watched something cold and hard enter her eyes, her tone low as she said purposefully, "I didn't say that."

I yelled, anger muddling my brain, "You might as well. You don't make time for me."

The cold stayed, turning her eyes dark, "Please don't put words in my mouth." She paused, thinking about her words next, "I'm sorry I didn't explain why I was so busy. I should have tried to communicate more. I am not psychic, Tristan. I didn't know it bothered you so much. I would have appreciated you expressing that to me."

I challenged her, "Do you want to be with me? Do you want a romantic relationship with me?"

I watched her expression soften, thoughtfulness filling her eyes. It flitted back to something hard, "That's not fair. I can't make decisions like that rashly."

This provoked me, more than I wanted it to. "You're proving my point." I stared hard at the cabinets, anger making me grip the counter.

She didn't scramble. She spoke true and firm, "I am attracted to you Tristan. I enjoy being with you. A relationship is a commitment of time, space and energy. I want to make sure I have those available. I want to make sure we are meeting each other's wants and needs. I had no idea a relationship was even on the table for you."

She was right. I never told her how I felt. My anger cooled a bit. "I could hardly watch you kiss Cyprus. I get so frustrated." I stared at the counter.

Katherine spoke evenly, "I don't want you to be frustrated. I want to help you. I can't do that if you don't talk to me about what you are feeling."

I snapped again, "So you can get angry. So you can ghost me. So you get frustrated by me too."

Katherine's voice was strained with her own temper, "Is that what you think I would do?"

I threw up my hands, voice loud again, "I don't fucking know!"

Sorrow washed over her eyes, a frown slanting her lips. Her voice was thick, "I wouldn't ghost you..."

I deflated, her pained expression draining the flames from my temper. I watched her rub her fingernails in anxiety. With the hole left by my rage, guilt festered. I did the one thing I said I wouldn't. She became the target of my feelings, when they weren't her fault or responsibility. I am a fool. I should know better. I stepped toward her, pain in my face. I held out my arms for her, drowning in guilt.

She stepped back, arms around herself. "Please. I don't like to be touched when upset."

It was a blow to my gut, taking my air from me. I upset her with my words. God what have I done?

She looked up at me, a hollow ring of defeat in her eyes I couldn't understand. "Can we finish this later?"

I pleaded her name, anguish in my voice, "Katherine..."

She put up her hand, "I just need some space. Then we can finish this conversation."

The tears, hot with rage for myself, came as soon as she was out the door. I slumped on the kitchen floor, head in my knees. Each sob was full of self-hate.