Kayla

Kayla's Helper Manual

1 - Introduction

Kayla has a complex form of cerebral palsy. She can't control her muscles, in fact, as this is a birth defect, she was never able to move as she wants. Kayla's arms and legs like to kick out involuntary. Her left arm is the better one. She has some control on it, not that much but, with some work, she's able to get her hand to the controls of her wheelchair. She can use two fingers of her left hand. This is the only thing she can move herself properly, two fingers of her left hand.

And she can straighten her legs. On bad days arms and legs flail around constantly. Be careful, she has some power in her legs. But remember, if she hits you it's not her, it's her body. Kayla must always wear shoes or some other protections on her feet to avoid injuries. This isn't necessary for her hands. Only on bad days her hands must be covered in thick socks. But as she runs her wheelchair with her two usable fingers of the left hand she can't control the wheelchair if her left hand is covered in a sock.

Kayla's feet and hands are spastic. Her feet are always stretched in a maximal high heel position. She can't flex her ankles. Her hands are clenched and, beside of the two fingers she can use, her fingers and toes are clenched too. They can be straightened but with care, never force something, Kayla can help a bit, but she must concentrate on it and this takes some time. And she will lose control about all other parts of her body when she fights for a motion.

Kayla's torso is spastic too. But luckily her torso isn't contorted and cramped that much. But she can't sit by herself. Kayla needs support from time to time as her torso likes to collapse to the left. Either her back is fixed in the customized shell of her wheelchair or someone must straighten her from time to time.

Kayla has an unusual problem to hold her head. The muscles in her neck are working well but she has no feeling for the motion itself. If she wants to raise her head it ends up with her head in her neck, looking into the sky. Same for right and left and all other movements. She doesn't have pain or cramps, she's used to it, but anyway, it's good to support her head.

OK, here's something she can do: Kayla can speak. It's not very good and takes some effort for her, but you will learn to understand her. Although the muscles of her jaw and tongue are less affected from her cerebral palsy it's difficult for her to move her tongue properly. Everything that requires a precise and accentuated tongue movement is difficult. Kayla can't pronounce "th". Sounds like "d", "l", "n", "t" can be difficult, maybe she gets it with several tries. "r" is very hard. Kayla avoids these words or simply skips what she can't pronounce. If Kayla can't pronounce a word the first time, she tries it several times. This is not stuttering. Kayla says "o" if she can't pronounce "no" or "not". Kayla prefers short and simple words. As she must fight for each word Kayla doesn't make many words.

There's one thing you must understand and follow in all circumstances:

KAYLA CAN'T BE ALONE. DON'T LEAVE HER ALONE! NEVER, REALLY NEVER, NOT EVEN FOR 5 MINUTES, NOT EVEN IF YOU NEED TO GO TO THE LOO. LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.

Kayla knows very well that she needs help all the time, for everything. So, she's afraid to be alone. And this fear makes her upset. And her whole body spasms when she gets upset. She's no longer able to run her wheelchair or to press the large emergency button. She can't even speak anymore in this state, her mouth opens unintentionally, the tongue gets out, and she drools, which is really less important. Kayla knows that this can happen and this boosts her fear for it even more. So, don't leave her alone, never.

Kayla knows that she is helpless, that she needs someone around her and to take care of her. It's your task to allow Kayla to live her life in her way, self-determined and as much independent as possible. It doesn't matter if you like what Kayla wants to do or not, Kayla decides and Kayla is in command.

Kayla is tough, intelligent, beautiful and yes, she looks very sexy. She knows this, and she's proud on herself, proud to be a full-fledged woman. She likes to be in public, she wants to be seen, and she likes it when people turn to look at her. She accepts that she's caged in a horrible body, that she'll never be able to escape and that she'll never be able to live on her own. This is much more than most people are able to reflect about themselves. Kayla deserves respect, acceptance and acknowledgment, but she does not need pity.

And most important of all: Preserve Kayla's dignity.

1 - The Date

Yes, I have a date. I'll meet Paul again. He wants to take me to the cinema in the afternoon. I'm so excited, I can't sit still all the day, my arms and legs fidgeting. Kate, my friend, roommate and all time helper, fastened my arms and put my hands into thick socks so that I don't hurt myself. I can't use gloves for my hands, they don't fit onto my twisted fingers.

Paul is so cute and considerate. The last time we met he asked me if he could hold my hand. Cute, isn't it?

I can't hold a hand, in fact I can't hold anything at all or even touch something, my hands are useless. Of course, he may do. I was curious how he would deal with me and how he would react to my fucking hands with the crooked, twisted fingers. I wished so much that he could stand it and stay with me. Carefully he untied my arm and held it tight, pulled the sock from my hand, the right one, my better looking hand, and held it. Just as if it was nothing special to do everything himself, to hold me, to carefully unbend my fingers and to put my hand into his. I felt so good, accepted and secure.

Paul will come in the afternoon and I asked Kate to leave us alone. I'm never alone as I can't be alone. I can't even press my emergency button or talk to Alexa when I get upset. Being alone scares me and I immediately get upset. Kate or someone else should always be with me to take care of me.

But Paul doesn't know yet that Kate will be off. It's my test for him. I am curious how he will deal with this. But he's so cute, I'm sure he will not disappoint me. In fact, I'm dreaming about sitting next to him, to be in his arms, secured, my hands in his hands and my head relaxed on his shoulder. We can talk or even do nothing but enjoy being together.

I'm ready for public. I asked Kate to dress me, no bra, a tight tank top that hides nothing, the best one of my skinny jeans to accentuate my long straight legs and a thin diaper of course, discreet, only to be sure. No shoes, I want Paul to put on my heels, I want to see if he likes to touch me. And I want him to touch me, to feel his hands and his warmth. Hopefully more later, but my feet are a good starter. Yes, I'm a beautiful woman, slim but not too slim, midsize, long and slender legs with elegant stretched feet. I'm beautiful and there's no reason to hide anything. And I'm proud of my body, proud of my straight legs and feet although they have their own life doing what they want.

Kate is in hurry and I agree that she can leave. Paul will come in a few minutes.

It doesn't take me a minute to realize that this wasn't a good idea. I'm alone. Actually Paul should be here already, now I fear to be alone, fear that Paul will not come and that I'm alone until Kate will be back tomorrow. It's getting worse and worse, can't think of anything else but being alone, helpless and imprisoned here, trapped in a body that isn't my body and that doesn't follow me and tied up in a wheelchair that's intelligent enough to initiate a 911 emergency call when I press one time one single button, but I can't reach this button anymore, my unfastened arm is wriggling around somewhere, behind my head I assume as can't see it and I don't have any feeling for it now. Impossible to move my arm and even impossible to get my hand to the emergency button. I'm really in panic now, want to call Alexa, but to late, I'm too excited to speak properly, Alexa doesn't understand my unintelligent slurring.

The doorbell rings, I'm sure this is Paul, but I'm still fighting with my panic, with this body out of any control, try to shout out loud but of course only unintelligent sounds, that's all I can do. I'm desperate, Paul may not hear me and leave again. My head drops forward, I'm crying, my mouth opens and my tongue delivers a gush of spit over my chin into the bib. And I can't do anything now, can't hold my head, can't close my mouth and can't stop drooling. I like to die if this is Paul. I do not want to be seen like this, fighting against my spastic body, this twisted arm somewhere at my back, looking like an idiot with my mouth open and my tongue dangling out, drooling. I'm sure Paul will leave at once if it's him at the door.

I'm wrong. It is Paul. And he doesn't run away. Instead, he doesn't hesitate, not for one single second, takes my head in his hands and kisses me. He does not care that I'm looking like a moron, sitting spastic contorted in my wheelchair, my arm working on some nonsense behind me, drooling and slurring unintelligible stuff. I'm so ashamed, I don't want to be like this, I'm not the moron this fucking body makes of me, I don't want to be a burden all the time, helpless and yes, useless. But Paul smiles at me. He holds my head and cleans my face. Paul is doing great, careful sensitive, smiles at me, looking at me, looking inside me. He makes me feel that I'm important for him, no, wrong, that nothing is more important than me. Probably he's really not interested how I look, beautiful and sexy or, like now, a mess of twisted cramped limbs in a crooked body, unable to move and unable to speak.

I calm down slowly and the spastic subsides. Paul is doing great, I enjoy feeling his hands on me, he's so calmly and gently. Please don't stop it, go on, go on for ever. Paul's still smiling and attentively looking at me. I'm lost in this view, I see that there's no space for any other thought in him than thoughts on me.

Now I can also speak better again.

"Hi, happy see you."

"Hi Kayla, great to be here and happy to see you. What happened? Can I help?"

"Up‑ight p‑ease"

"Sorry, don't understand."

"Up‑ight chai‑ sea‑ si‑ uhh"

Maybe Paul should read my helper's manual first.

"‑able ‑able table ma‑ua‑ uhh, book ‑ead uhh, view"

Yes, he got it.

After a while again:

"Up‑ight p‑ease"

This time he understood, lifts me and sits me down straight again. I feel much better, spasms subsides and no pain in my spine anymore.

My arm is still working somewhere behind me, I can't feel it.

"Pau‑, ‑ake ‑ake take ha‑‑ han‑ ha‑d ha‑d hand, p‑ease"

OK, now he got it.

"Ca‑efu‑‑ ca‑efu‑‑ uhh, caution spas‑ic, no s‑‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch str str stre‑ch uhh, on‑y only ho‑‑ hol‑ fix"

"Wai‑ wai‑ wait momen‑, wi‑‑ wi‑‑ ca‑ ca‑ can ‑elax a‑m"

Paul must carefully straighten my arm slowly working against the spastic to avoid pain.

"Pau‑, a‑m s‑‑aigh‑en, please"

Paul doesn't understand. I'm frustrated. Next try:

I move my arm a little to let Paul know what I mean: "a‑m a‑m a‑m"

OK, Paul nodded.

"A‑m ‑i‑e ‑ine uhh, line"

This time Paul got it, and he started to work on my arm, carefully spending attention to spasms and releasing them.

"Fee‑s feels goo‑"

"Whe‑ whe‑ whe‑ uhh, ‑ime ‑ime time ci‑ema?"

"Two hours left"

"Goo‑ e‑ough ‑ime wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want si‑ si‑ sit sofa you me"

"Ca‑e ca‑e caution ‑egs legs kick ou‑ ou‑ not whee‑chai‑ no‑ fix"

"Wa‑‑ want si‑ sit ‑ex‑ next ‑o to you"

"Hea‑ hea‑ head you‑ shou‑de‑ shoulde‑"

"Ho‑‑ ho‑‑ fix a‑ms a‑ms a‑ms uhh, ha‑‑s ha‑ds hands ‑egs ‑egs legs. Ho‑‑ ho‑‑ hold head, hol‑ me, much? ‑ee‑ ‑ee‑ need mo‑e mo‑e mo‑e r r more han‑s?"

"Ca‑'‑ ca‑'t sit o‑‑e‑wise o‑‑e‑wise e‑se else"

No, Paul doesn't need more hands. I'm sitting next to him, his arms around my shoulder keeping me upright. He's perfect, holds my hand, fixes the other arm and my legs and has a free hand to pet me. I can't remember that the spastic ever released for a noticeable time, a life without cramps. But now I'm relaxed.

"Pau‑, fee‑ fee‑ feel so goo‑, wa‑‑ wa‑ wa‑ want neve‑ r never e‑‑ end"

"Pau‑, ho‑‑ hol‑ hold ‑me ‑igh‑ tight, fo‑eve‑ fo‑eve‑ fo‑eve‑ fo‑eve‑ fo‑eve‑ uhh, r r fo‑eve‑ fo‑eve‑ uhh, a‑‑ ‑imes a‑‑ ‑imes a‑‑ ‑imes all ‑imes"

Can't get it, impossible. Tears in my eyes.

"Kayla! Forever and all times. Calm down. It's not that difficult to understand you. Yes, I'll hold you tight forever and all times."

Paul wipes my tears.

"Pau‑, p‑epa‑e r p‑epa‑e r rea‑y rea‑y ready me ci‑ema. ‑akes ‑akes takes some time"

"OK, what can I do?"

"Shoes. Wa‑‑ wa‑‑ wan‑ wan‑ t ‑ook ‑ook ‑ook uhh, p‑e‑‑y p‑etty r pretty"

"Which shoes? Your are already wearing shoes."

"Mess, ‑‑ick ‑‑ick ‑‑ick uhh, ug‑y ugly, p‑o‑ec‑io‑ p‑otectio‑ p‑o‑ec‑io‑ protection o‑‑y o‑‑y o‑ly. Wa‑‑ want ‑ook ‑ook p‑e‑‑y p‑e‑‑y t t p‑etty r pretty. See fee‑ fee‑ feet‑ t, ma‑e ma‑e made fo‑ hee‑s!"

"Ok, what shall I do?"

"‑ook look my manua‑ ma‑ua‑ book p‑e‑‑y t t p‑etty pretty pub‑ic pub‑ic public shoes"

Kayla's Helper Manual

2 -- Pretty in Public

Kayla is an attractive beauty, she's proud of it, and she likes to show it. She is independent in public and don't need her personal assistant. There are always men around her who are happy to do what she wants. Kayla has even learned how to talk to unknown people. There's always someone asking her something. As Kayla can answer "yes" quite well, "o" or nothing, people understand to ask yes-no questions and to listen closely to her. This is the starter for a conversation. It's not that difficult to understand Kayla.

Kayla likes to be the center of attention, and she knows how to get a man's attention. They all want to be closer to her and Kayla takes every opportunity to get her needs fulfilled. Kayla knows very well that most of them are man, not gentleman. She knows that she's a unique adventure, a trophy for most of them, not more. They want their fun as Kayla wants too. Anyway, she joins this game, she chooses her partner, and she decides. It's always the same, fun is welcome but when they have to care for her, to change her diaper or to toilette her they disappear quickly. Kayla knows this in before but anyway, they are welcomed with a smile, and they leave with a smile. Kayla still waits for a gentleman, someone she can trust, someone who sees the full-fledged independent woman in her and not a poor disabled one. She waits for her hero, the one who does not hesitate to care her.

Kayla likes to look pretty and elegant. She likes to be in public, to show her slim long legs although she's in a wheelchair of course. She likes it when people look around for her. She doesn't want to show here spastic, her legs kicking and her bad arm fidgeting around. Kayla's wheelchair has some inconspicuous fixtures to restrain her legs, her bad arm and herself of course. Kayla wears a neck collar to support her head. It's hidden under a colorful scarf.

Kayla accepts that her disability is obvious anyway. With a close look people will notice her spastic clenched hands and her struggle to press the wrist of her left hand into the clasp near the wheelchair control panel, fixing her hand at this position and allowing her to hold the two fingers she can use on the controls.

3 -- Shoes

Kayla has a lot of shoes. A few pairs only to protect her feet. Thick and smooth and everything else but not pretty. She always wears closed high heels in public. Her feet are made for high heels, slim, elegant, always stretched in line with her legs. Always stretched as her ankles are stiff, she can't flex them. Her heels have a custom-made plate that fit invisible to its counterpart at the foot rests of her wheelchair. Her legs can't kick anymore if her feet are fixed. There's also an inconspicuous fixation for her knees to keep her legs together nicely.

It takes some time to put on her heels. Kayla's clenched toes don't slide into and Kayla can't help to stretch, relax or even keep her toes straight. It needs massage oil to make them slippery and a lot of work to release the cramps and get them stretched before her toes slide in. Especially the big ones causes big problems and need work and patience. And working on Kayla's feet always means to hold her legs tight to prevent kicking and harming her. Kayla can stretch her legs and this helps.

She has one pair of open sandal high platform heels too. These are the shoes for Kayla's bad days when her feet are too cramped to fit into closed heels. Easy to put on: Open all straps, put them under her feet, Kayla's cramped toes fit into some custom-made holes in the 3-inch cm platform and close all straps again. These shoes are breathtaking, the platform emphasizes Kayla's long slender legs even more than her regular heels. But Kayla doesn't like them. Here toes aren't visible and sandals without toes are so eye catching that people will recognize at once that something is wrong with her.

"Ok Kayla, what to do first?"

"Shoes. ‑ed hee‑s uhh, ‑ed o‑es ‑ed o‑es ‑ed ‑ed ‑ed ‑ed"

Tears again. I'm trapped in my disability.

"Kayla, don't cry. I'm here with you."

Paul wipes my tears. It feels so good, I enjoy his hands on my face, want to cry forever. Maybe I should learn to cry on demand.

"Kayla, try again, which shoes?"

"Hee‑s hee‑s hee‑s heels. ‑ed ‑ed ‑ed ‑ed ‑ed"

I'm crying again. I feel so ashamed. I'm really incapable for everything, useless. The only thing I am is: I'm disabled. And the only thing I can is: Being a burden for everyone.

I've an idea. There's a red pillow at my side.

"Pau‑, ‑ake t take ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ han‑ d. Show you. O‑‑y on‑y l only ho‑‑ hol‑ d, I guide ha‑‑ hand"