Kayla

"Pau‑, ‑u‑‑ ‑u‑‑ tur‑ tur‑ n turn me. Wa‑‑ want see you."

And after a while:

"Pau‑, ‑ike like wha‑ wha‑ wha‑ wha‑ t what you see?"

"Yes, Kayla. I see a wonderful woman, desirable."

"Pau‑, ‑o ‑o no, ugly, ‑ooki‑g ‑ooki‑g looking ‑e‑‑ib‑e ‑e‑‑ib‑e te‑‑ib‑e uhh, aw‑u‑ awful. A‑ms a‑ms arms ‑egs l legs work. Ca‑‑ ca‑‑ can't s‑op stop. ‑e‑e‑‑e‑‑ dete‑‑ent r ‑ete‑‑ent ‑ete‑‑ent uhh, ‑epu‑sive ‑epu‑sive repulsive."

"Pau‑, can ‑o do ‑o‑‑i‑g ‑o‑‑i‑g no‑‑ing myse‑f myself. Ca‑‑ can't he‑p he‑p help myself. Can move two fi‑ge‑s fingers, a‑‑ a‑ all. Goo‑ goo‑ good ha‑‑ ha‑‑ han‑ d hand? Fuck. Ca‑‑ can‑ can't eve‑ eve‑ eve‑ even speak p‑ope‑‑y p‑ope‑‑y r prope‑‑y p‑ope‑‑y."

I can't help, I'm crying again.

"Pau‑, you ‑o‑‑ ‑o‑‑ don't see a woman. You see a ‑isab‑e‑ ‑isab‑e‑ disab‑e‑ disabled pe‑so‑ person o‑‑y o‑‑y only."

"No, Kayla, I see a beautiful and admirable woman, a woman of flesh and blood and not made of a disability. Yes, you are disabled, but disability doesn't define you. It's not even a part of your personality. Look to here and now. Can I do something? Do you want to change something?"

"‑o ‑o no"

"So, here and now your disability doesn't matter, isn't it? It's not of interest that you can't move if you don't want to move. And I'll be happy to do everything you want to do."

"Pau‑, kiss me p‑ease. Wa‑‑ wan‑ want be su‑e su‑e sure did‑‑ di‑‑‑ uhh, ‑o no ‑‑eam dream."

Paul wipes my tears again and kisses me.

"Pau‑, ‑ake ‑ake take ha‑‑s ha‑‑s hands, wa‑‑ want hug you. A‑d and s‑op s‑op s‑op stop ‑ime time, p‑ease."

When the movie ends:

"Pau‑, push me ‑o to mi‑‑o‑ mi‑‑o‑ mi‑‑o‑ r mirror bed‑oom bed‑oom bedroom. Wa‑‑ want see myse‑f myself."

Some time later:

"Yes, ‑ike ‑ike l like wha‑ what I see. ‑ike like me. ‑‑ank ‑‑ank ‑‑ank you, Pau‑."

"‑ake ‑ake take ha‑‑ ha‑‑ hand, want ‑ouch ‑ouch ‑ouch t touch me, fee‑ fee‑ feel me, myse‑f myse‑f myse‑f myself. So‑‑y so‑‑y so‑‑y r sorry, Pau‑."

"No need to apologize. Happy to do so."

Paul similes and frees my good, yes, my good hand.

"Pe‑ pet be‑‑y be‑‑y be‑‑y belly."

"Up, boobs, s‑ow‑y s‑ow‑y slow‑y slowly. Wa‑‑ want p‑ay p‑ay p‑ay l play ‑ippe‑ ‑ippe‑ n nippe‑ nippel."

"You o‑‑e‑ o‑‑e‑ o‑‑er o‑‑er uhh, ‑ex‑ nex‑ nex‑ nex‑ t next o‑e o‑e o‑e o‑e uhh, boob"

"Goo‑ goo‑ good. Ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑d r har‑"

"Ha‑‑ han‑ han‑ hand c‑i‑ c‑i‑ c‑i‑ cli‑ cli‑ uhh, ‑ow‑ dow‑ dow‑ n down."

"Fi‑ge‑ finge‑ finge‑ finge‑ finger i‑ in. S‑ow‑y slowly."

"Deepe‑ deepe‑ deepe‑ r deeper. We‑ we‑ wet. Goo‑ good."

"You go o‑ o‑ on boob. Bo‑‑ bo‑‑ bo‑‑ uhh, ‑ex‑ n ‑ex‑ uhh, ‑wo ‑wo t two boobs."

"Goo‑ goo‑ goo‑ good. Go o‑ on. Kiss me."

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooo‑"

"Paul‑, you big? ‑ike ‑ike ‑ike like see. U‑‑‑ess un‑‑ess un‑‑ess un‑‑ess uhh, you ‑u‑e ‑u‑e n nude, p‑ease."

"Wa‑‑ wan‑ want see. ‑emove ‑emove r remove chi‑ chin b‑ace b‑ace brace, p‑ease. Hea‑ head down, ho‑‑ ho‑‑ ho‑‑ hold."

"Yes, big. ‑ice nice. May fee‑ fee‑ fee‑ feel? ‑ike like."

"Fee‑s feels goo‑ goo‑ goo‑ good. Ha‑‑ har‑ ha‑d r hard. ‑ike like? Mo‑e mo‑e more?"

"Woah, ca‑‑ ca‑‑ can't wai‑ wai‑ wai‑ wait!"

"Pau‑, ‑ike ‑ike like me? O‑ o‑ or o‑‑y ‑ike uhh, o‑‑y ‑ike, only like wha‑ you see?"

"Yes, Kayla, I like you. You are a desirable woman. And I like what I see. I see you, Kayla. There's no difference between what I see and what's inside."

"Pau‑, ‑ike like you. Kiss me."

"Pau‑, ‑ee‑ ‑ee‑ ‑ee‑ ‑ee‑ need you so much. P‑ease please s‑ay s‑ay s‑ay stay wi‑‑ wi‑‑ a‑ a‑ a‑ at me, p‑ease. ‑eve‑ neve‑ r never ‑eave ‑eave leave me a‑o‑e a‑one a‑one alone, p‑ease ca‑e ca‑e care fo‑ me. P‑omise p‑omise pr promise"

"Pau‑, pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ uhh, me be‑ bed."

"Something to do before?"

"Yes, c‑ean clean me. Ca‑efu‑ ca‑eful ca‑eful r careful. E‑ough e‑ough e‑ough enough sex ‑oday today."

Paul is careful, gentle and, yes, tender. I like to feel his hands, like to smell him, like the way he is with me, like everything of him.

"Shall I put you in pajamas?"

"‑o ‑o ‑o no pyjamas. Pau‑, p‑ease s‑eep sleep ‑ex‑ nex‑ nex‑ t next me, u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess un‑‑ess un‑‑ess uhh, you ‑ude ‑ude nude ‑oo too. Wa‑‑ wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want s‑eep s‑eep sleep i‑ in you‑ your a‑ms a‑ms a‑ms a‑ms r arms, fee‑ feel you, eve‑ywhe‑e eve‑ywhe‑e eve‑ywhe‑e r everywhere, a‑‑ all of you."

"‑u‑‑ tu‑‑ tu‑n r urn me ‑o to you. ‑eg leg a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ound r around you, a‑m arm a‑ou‑‑ around you, hea‑ head you‑ you‑ your b‑eas‑ b‑eas‑ r breast. Wa‑‑ want sme‑‑ sme‑‑ l smell you, want hea‑ hea‑ hea‑ hear you, wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want fee‑ fee‑ fee‑ feel you."

"Kayla, this way I can't escape!"

"Yes, wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want it."

"Good night, Kayla. Sleep well!"

My last thought before I fall asleep is: If I'll be asked my answer is "Yes, I wi‑‑ wi‑‑ will."

4 - Wellness

I'm waiting for Paul. It's Friday afternoon and, to be honest, I'm waiting all the day. We will be off for a weekend holidays in a wellness resort in the mountain. Paul organized it two weeks ago. I'm so happy to be with him, and I'm really excited now. Kate has packed everything I need. Lucky to have a large van for my wheelchair, but it looks like a move.

It's a three hours trip to the resort. I'm sitting in co-driver's seat next to Paul. Paul and Kate put on my corset and the neck collar on me to keep me straight outside my chair. My arms and legs are restrained of course and the corset is tied to car seat. I can sit alone this way and can't topple over, but I'm feeling like a human statue. Anyway, better than to sit in my wheelchair in the back for the whole trip.

We arrive early in the evening. The resort is specialized for disabled people, our apartment and all facilities are accessible. I'm still the statue in the co-driver's seat while Paul unloads the van. Finally, the van is empty and Paul carries me in. Now my body cramps after the long trip.

"Pau‑, u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess uhh, co‑se‑ co‑se‑ r corset o‑‑ o‑‑ f off. Pai‑ pai‑ pain."

"Kayla, shall I undo the collar too?"

"Yes. Pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ me i‑ i‑ uhh, ba‑‑‑oom whee‑chai‑ ba‑‑‑oom ba‑‑‑oom ba‑‑room wheelchai‑ ‑if‑ ‑if‑ ‑if‑ ‑if‑ ‑if‑"

Can't help for my tears. It's so disheartening if I try and try and try to say something, but in vain, without any success and without any improvement.

"Kayla, clam down. We will make it, yes, we! You will see. I promise."

"Is it the bathroom chair?"

"Yes"

"‑if‑? Sorry, I have no idea. Please try again. Slowly. Calm down. I'll help you."

"‑if‑ ‑if‑ ‑if‑ uhh, s‑‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch st‑e‑ch st‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch, uhh, ‑elax ‑elax ‑elax"

"No need for tears! Do you mean 'relax'?. Shall I put you into the bathroom chair and lift you up?"

"Yes, ba‑‑‑oom chai‑, up. ‑‑a‑k ‑‑a‑k t‑ank you, Pau‑"

"‑ake ‑ake t take o‑‑ o‑‑ o‑‑ o‑‑ ff shoes. Wa‑m warm."

"Kayla, shall I order dinner? Or do you want to go to the dining hall?"

"He‑e he‑e r here. ‑ee‑ nee‑ nee‑ d need s‑‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch t st‑etch s‑‑e‑ch uhh, ‑if‑ lif‑ t lift up."

"Pau‑, pee"

"Kayla, do you want me to put you on the toilet?"

"He‑e here. ‑ake ‑ake t take jea‑s jea‑s n jeans o‑‑ o‑‑ f off. I‑se‑‑ inse‑‑ inse‑‑ r inser‑ insert ca‑‑e‑e‑ ca‑‑ete‑ ca‑‑ete‑ uhh, tube."

"Ca‑efu‑ ca‑eful r careful. Sex ‑ater?"

Paul always blushes when he helps me to pee. Must think about this.

"Pau‑, push me be‑‑oom be‑‑oom be‑‑oom bedroom, ‑o‑ no‑ not wa‑‑ wa‑‑ nt want be see‑ see‑ see‑ seen so."

"Kayla, dinner is ready!"

"Yes, commi‑g."

Now, after dinner, I'm exhausted. Time for bed.

"Pau‑, ‑i‑e‑ ‑i‑e‑ ti‑e‑ r tire‑ ‑i‑e‑ uhh, be‑ be‑ be‑ bed"

"Brush your teeth?"

"Yes, chai‑ chai‑ r chair dow‑ dow‑ dow‑ down. Same as ‑as‑ ‑as‑ las‑ last ‑ime ‑ime t time. You k‑ow k‑ow n k‑ow k‑ow uhh, emembe‑ r remember?"

"Yes, Kayla, I remember of course. Be sure that I will never forget something about you."

"‑‑ank ‑‑ank t‑ank you, Pau‑"

"Diaper or pajamas?"

"‑o ‑o ‑o no"

"‑ee‑ ‑ee‑ nee‑ d need weigh‑ weigh‑ t weight cuffs. S‑op stop a‑ms a‑ms a‑ms r arms ‑egs legs wo‑ki‑g wo‑ki‑g r working."

"Pau‑, you no pajama ‑oo too. ‑ike ‑ike like feel you."

I love Paul's hands, love how he touches me, undresses me, and how he cares me. Tenderly and lovingly but also powerful and protective.

"Pau‑, tu‑‑ tu‑‑ tu‑n turn me. S‑eep sl‑eep i‑ i‑ i‑ in you‑ you‑ you‑ r your arm. A‑m a‑m arm ‑eg leg a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ r arou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑"

"Kayla, no tears! I know! I put your hand on my breast and your leg around me to make sure that I can't escape. Be sure, I will not escape."

I slept like a stone, didn't even wake up when Paul turned me around at night.

5 - The next Morning

"Kayla, good morning. Sun is shining for us."

Paul takes my hand and kisses it.

"Goo‑ goo‑ goo‑ good mo‑‑i‑g mo‑ning r morning, Pau‑. Kiss me!"

Good start into the day.

"Get up?"

"Yes, ba‑‑‑oom ba‑‑‑oom uhh, ‑oi‑e‑‑e ‑oi‑e‑‑e toi‑e‑‑e uhh, pee. So‑‑y so‑‑y r so‑‑y sorry Pau‑, ‑ee‑ need bowe‑s bowels ‑oo ‑oo too."

"Kayla, nothing to excuse."

Paul puts me into the toilet chair.

"Kayla, what to do for your bowels?"

"Pau‑, ma‑ua‑ manua‑ manual s‑imu‑a‑io‑ stimu‑a‑io‑ stimu‑a‑io‑ uhh, use fi‑ge‑ fing‑ finger. G‑oves gloves, ‑ub‑ica‑i‑g ‑ub‑ica‑i‑g lub‑ica‑i‑g lub‑ica‑i‑g uhh, s‑ip slip cream. Squeeze bo‑‑y bo‑‑y botty, pu‑ pu‑ put finge‑ finger i‑ in, squeeze."

"So‑‑y r sorry, Pau‑. ‑isgus‑i‑g ‑isgus‑i‑g disgusti‑g disgusting? Supposi‑o‑y supposito‑y suppository!"

"No Kayla. Nothing to excuse and nothing disgusting. It's you."

Paul does it again so sensitively and naturally, as if brushing my teeth, wiping my bottom and washing me is nothing special at all, just normal. But I'm not normal, I can't do this all by myself, can't walk or even stand alone without help, I can't blow my nose or get a fly off my face. I sit in a wheelchair and can do: nothing. I'm Kayla, a special needs girl, not just normal but a special girl, and I'm proud of me.

Paul waits patiently until I'm ready, cleans me up, pushes me under the shower and moves me up to a standing position.

I love him, like standing in front of him, face to face, same level, although I know that "standing" is the wrong word. I hang in the armpit supports of the frame, arms and legs are restrained, but still wriggling and even my head has a support to avoid involuntary shaking. But I'm erected, face to face with Paul, showing him everything, the whole me, and I'm so happy to see that he likes it.

I like the way Paul takes care of me, like to feel his hands washing me, like to smell the scent of soap and cleanliness and the smoothness of the body lotion Paul uses all over my body. I love Paul.

"Kayla, what shall I dress you?"

"P‑e‑‑y p‑etty p‑etty pretty! S‑im slim jea‑s n jeans, ‑ice ‑ice nice hee‑s heels."

"Red heels? Your favorite ones?"

"Yes, Pau‑"

Paul feeds me with coffee, very soft bread, marmalade, soft egg, yogurt. He gives me small bites, slowly, sensitive and with much patience. Of course, I spill coffee and food all over myself and Paul must clean my face from time to time. People stare at me, I know. When Paul sees it, he just stares back at them until it stops.

I don't care, I'm proud of myself, of my body, I like what I see in the mirror. Look at yourselves, the bellies, the fat everywhere. I can't walk or stand on my own, I can't touch anything, I can't blow my nose, and I can't get a fly off my face. They can do all of it, but they can't take care of themselves, can't keep slim and fit.

We are in the whirlpool. Of course people are staring at us, Paul carrying me, an obviously disabled girl, pretty, slim, in a tiny bikini, arms fidgeting although Paul fixed my hands under the strings of my bikini thong, my legs kicking around, it's a spectacle. Paul tried to place me next to him, but that didn't work. I like hot water and my legs too. They have a lot of fun, splashing around, and Paul couldn't keep me sitting on the underwater bench. Now, much better, I'm in Paul's lap, in his arm, he holds me close, and tames my excited legs under his ones. I like my legs, I can't use them, but they are not useless.

"Pau‑, p‑ease, wa‑‑ wan‑ t want do by myse‑f l myself. Ha‑‑ han‑ han‑ d hand c‑i‑ c‑i‑ cli‑ cli‑ t c‑it c‑i‑ c‑i‑ c‑i‑"

"Kayla, stop, no need for tears. I do understand you. I'm happy to help if you can't pronounce something, and I promise, we will make it, always."

"Kayla, ok, you want me to place your hand on your clit?"

"Yes, p‑ease."

"Kayla, you know that I'm not here only to help you speak?"

"Yes, Pau‑, wa‑‑ want ‑o do by myse‑f myse‑f myself."

"Kayla, people are already looking at us."

"Pau‑, people ‑‑i‑k ‑‑i‑k ‑‑ink t‑ink, no, peop‑e people ‑o‑‑ do‑‑ do‑‑ nt don't t‑ink. Say: Poo‑ poo‑ r poor gi‑‑ girl, ca‑‑ ca‑‑ ca‑‑ can't move, ca‑‑ can't even avoi‑ avoid ha‑‑ hand ‑‑ere ‑‑ere t t‑ere uhh, p‑iva‑e p‑ivate r private parts. Say: ‑isab‑e‑ ‑isab‑e‑ disab‑ed disab‑ed disabled people have ‑o ‑o ‑o no sexua‑ sexua‑ sexua‑ uhh, sex ‑ee‑s ‑ee‑s nee‑s needs. Pau‑, I have ‑ee‑s needs!"