Kayla

I try to point to the red pillow. Not that easy even with Paul's help as my arm doesn't like to cooperate.

"He‑e here"

Paul looks uncomprehending.

"Pillow?"

"‑o‑ ‑o‑ no‑ t pi‑‑ow, co‑o‑ co‑o‑ colo‑ colo‑ r. Red heels, please"

We both laugh. Sometimes it makes me a clown.

Kayla's Helper Manual

4 -- Eating and Drinking

Kayla is vegetarian. She never eats meat, poultry or fish. That makes it easier to feed her as she can hardly chew properly due to the difficulties she has to move her tongue. Kayla eats smashed food only, but she doesn't like it puréed. Feed her with a fork because she can't lick out a spoon.

Kayla can drink whatever she wants. Her favorite is coffee. She doesn't like any alcoholics. Kayla can drink from a cup, a glass or a straw. Try to avoid using a straw as Kayla doesn't like it. Drinking coffee with a straw makes her look so obviously disabled, and it doesn't help, she can't drink without help, not using a cup or a glass and even not using a straw. And don't use a feeding cup, even if you are in hurry. Kayla is a lady, she isn't a patient, and she isn't ill.

Regardless of eating or drinking, be patient, only small portions and small sips, and give her enough time to swallow. Wait with the next portion until Kayla opens her mouth again.

And don't forget to fix Kayla's hands. She will clear the table otherwise. You can strap her arms into the armrests of her wheelchair or put her hands into the loops at her belt if she's wearing one.

Keep in mind that she can't help it if her mouth opens from time to time and her tongue spills out some food or beverage on herself. This often happens when her head topples forward. Care for this and hold or fix Kayla's head. Put a bib on her or, better and more discreet, have a cloth in place to clean her.

Kayla knows that she makes a mess of herself while eating or drinking, and she doesn't want to be seen when she messes herself like a baby. Of course, she accepts that you are there and that you see her. It's a question of dignity. Feed her and clean her as professional as possible, as empathetic as possible but uninvolved. Allow her to preserve her dignity.

2 - Cinema

There's a surprise waiting when we arrived at the cinema. The entrance is a construction site, impossible for my wheelchair. We are parking in one of the slots for disabled people, not so far away. There's a short staircase, but the wheelchair ramp is closed. Paul looks perplexed, disappointed. My power wheelchair is much heavy to be carried. And I can be carried only for short distances. I'm about 110 lbs and I can't hold on to anyone carrying me. Impossible.

"Kayla, I'm afraid I have no idea"

"Ca‑ ca‑ can wa‑k wa‑k wa‑k walk. My fee‑ fee‑ t feet ma‑e ma‑e ma‑e made fo‑ for hee‑s heels, heels ma‑e made ‑o ‑o ‑o to wa‑k walk!"

"Can s‑‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch stretch ‑egs legs. Ca‑ can s‑a‑‑ s‑a‑‑ s‑a‑‑ sta‑‑ nd stand. Must ho‑‑ ho‑‑ ho‑‑ hol‑ d hold me."

Paul unties my arms.

"Pau‑, pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ pu‑ uhh, fix ba‑ ba‑ d bad ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ nd hand ‑oop ‑oop ‑oop l loop be‑‑ be‑‑ be‑‑ be‑‑ be‑‑ be‑‑."

Tears in my eyes. I feel so helpless, helpless and completely at the mercy of my damn body.

"Kayla, calm down. I understood you: Put my bad hand into the loop at my belt".

"Kayla, you are not helpless, useless, whatever less. You are Kayla, that's all, not more and not less. Yes, you are disabled but this doesn't change anything, your disability is a characteristic of you, of your personality, in the same way as the color of your hair or your skin. And all your characteristics together form your personality, the personality of a beautiful and desirable woman."

Paul wipes my tears. He is so emphatic, I feel his eyes deep inside me, understanding me. A good feeling.

"Goo‑ d good a‑m a‑m a‑m arm a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ a‑ou‑‑ uhh, you‑ you‑ r your shou‑‑e‑ shou‑‑e‑ shoul‑e‑ shoulde‑ uhh, neck. Ho‑‑ hold ha‑‑ ha‑‑ nd hand."

Paul lifts me out of the wheelchair and puts me onto my feet, holding me tight and upright, and I walk. Small steps of course, each step is a fight against the involuntary motions of my legs, a fight to straighten one leg and get the other foot down in front of me at the same time, but I walk. Paul holds me and pushes me from time to time a little onto the right leg. Yes, I even made it up the stairs. It's a spectacle, everybody is watching us, staring at me, the woman in red high heels moving like a robot with some shorts in its circuits.

Paul is buying ice cream and a coke for us. He holds me tightly in his arm, casually and so naturally. It feels good to look just like all the other couples here although I know that I couldn't stand even a second without Paul's help. I can see myself in the mirror wall and I like what I see. I look fantastic, slim, straight, my long legs still emphasized by the red heels, simply beautiful. I am so proud, proud of my body even if it mostly does what it wants. We belong together, like two sides of a coin: different, but still one single coin.

Paul is paying for the ice cream and the coke, and I realize what's wrong. Paul doesn't hold me anymore, I'm standing all alone, without any help, on my own two feet, straight and erect. Unbelievable, I can't get enough of this sight.

Ok, it takes only a few seconds and my body tilts to its weak side and my legs and arms want to work again. Paul of course noticed this immediately and catches me again. Only a few seconds, but enough to remember this picture of me forever.

The cinema is not very crowded. We are sitting at the very back, in the last row. There are some double seats for couples. We are alone in this row and there are very few people around us. I'm sitting next to Paul, without my neck collar, hands are fixed in the loops, arms and legs are less active. Paul's arm around my neck holds me thigh against his shoulder and supports my head in his arm bend.

When it gets dark Paul feeds me with ice cream and coke. I'm sure he knows that I don't like to be watched eating and drinking, messing myself. He knows everything about me, maybe better than I know myself. Paul is doing great, taking care of me so attentively and sensitively, I feel totally safe and secure.

I must have dreamed, I remember Paul, remember to be hold in his arm, remember his hands caressing me, everywhere on my body, on my breasts, caressing my nipples, between my legs and slowly finding their way to my clit. Now I'm aroused, and I feel that I'm wet.

"Pau‑, we‑ we‑, p‑ease he‑p he‑p help"

"Kayla, of course, what happened?"

"S‑eep s‑eep s‑eep sleep ‑‑eame ‑‑eame dr dr dream ‑ow now we‑ we‑ wet"

"Do you need a toilette"

"We‑, ‑o ‑o no pee. He‑p he‑p uhh, fuck me. So‑‑y so‑‑y sorry fuck easy wo‑‑ wo‑‑ uhh, speak"

"Pau‑, p‑ease he‑p help me. Ca‑‑ ca‑‑ n can‑ can‑ can‑ t can't ‑o ‑o ‑o d ‑o do myse‑f myself. P‑ease, Pau‑"

"Here?"

"Yes, why ‑o‑ ‑o‑ ‑o‑ not. Yes ‑ow now he‑e he‑e ci‑ema"

"There are people around us. They may look at us."

"‑o ‑o no ma‑‑e‑ ma‑‑e‑ t matter ‑a‑k da‑k uhh, ‑o ‑igh‑ no light"

"Ope‑ jeans"

Paul looks surprised. Of course, he doesn't expect a diaper under my slim jeans.

"You use a diaper?"

"‑o ‑o no, o‑‑y o‑‑y only be su‑e su‑e save"

" Ope‑ diape‑. Hu‑‑y hu‑‑y fas‑ quick"

"Use fi‑ge‑ fi‑ge‑ fi‑ge‑ finge‑ r

"Pu‑ pu‑ put i‑ i‑ uhh, finger c‑i‑ cli‑ c‑i‑ clit"

"S‑ow‑y, wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want e‑joy, ‑o no spas‑ic"

"‑eepe‑ ‑eepe‑ ‑eepe‑ ‑eepe‑ uhh, deeper"

"Goo‑ mo‑e‑ mo‑e‑ more"

"Sme‑‑ sme‑‑ sme‑‑ uhh, fi‑ge‑ ‑ose uhh, finge‑ nose"

"‑o ‑o to b‑eas‑ b‑east uhh, finge‑ boobs"

"Fi‑ge‑ fi‑ge‑ finger o‑ o‑ o‑ n on boobs. Ha‑‑ hand u‑de‑ u‑de‑ shi‑‑ uhh, hand unde‑ r under shi‑‑ uhh, hand boobs skin"

"Yes, ca‑ess ca‑ess ca‑ess uhh, pet boob. ‑ippe‑s ‑ippe‑s nippels ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑‑ uhh, r hard"

"S‑ow‑y s‑ow‑y l slowly ‑eady soo‑, wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want enjoy"

"Suck ‑ippe‑s ‑ippe‑s, uhh, ‑ippe‑s uhh, suck boobs"

"Fi‑ge‑ dow‑ fi‑ge‑ dow‑ uhh, down, finger down"

"Pu‑ i‑ i‑ uhh, fi‑ge‑ c‑i‑ finge‑ c‑i‑ cli‑ t "

"Yes, goo‑ commi‑g. ‑o s‑op s‑op no stop"

And after a while:

"Pau‑, a‑e a‑e a‑e r are you ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑d uhh, ‑a‑ge ‑la‑ge uhh, big?"

"Wa‑‑ wa‑‑ wan‑ uhh, want me he‑p help you?"

"Wa‑‑ want touch you!"

"Wa‑‑ fee‑ ‑i‑‑‑e ‑itt‑e sma‑‑ Pau‑ uhh, wa‑‑ fee‑ ‑ick uhh, want feel dick"

"Wa‑‑ open you‑ jeans, he‑p"

"Take ha‑‑ ha‑‑ ha‑d han‑ d zippe‑ zippe‑ zipper"

"W‑o‑g w‑o‑g wro‑g uhh, bad han‑ d. Finge‑ spas‑ic no move"

Paul frees my good hand from the loop.

"Ha‑d fi‑e, ha‑d fi‑e, hand fine. Fi‑ge‑ ‑o ‑o uhh, finge‑ to zippe‑ r"

"Move ha‑‑ ha‑d han‑ d dow‑ uhh, hand down open"

"Ca‑‑ ca‑‑ can‑ ca‑‑ uhh, ca‑‑ ca‑‑ can't say ca‑ ca‑ 'can' bu‑ but can do!"

"Finge‑ ‑o to bu‑‑o‑ bu‑‑o‑ button"

"Ca‑‑ ca‑‑, no‑ ab‑e uhh, can't, you open"

"Ha‑‑ ha‑d han‑ d i‑‑o i‑‑o in‑o into pa‑‑s pants"

"Fi‑ge‑ o‑ on it, p‑ease"

"‑ikes ‑ikes likes me, g‑owi‑g g‑owi‑g r growing"

"Goo‑?"

"Ha‑‑ ha‑‑ r hard. Fee‑s feels wo‑‑e‑fu‑‑ wonde‑fu‑‑ uhh, goo‑ good"

"‑ow ‑ow now you we‑ wet too!"

"‑‑ess ‑‑ess uhh, ‑‑ess ‑‑ess dr dress me"

"Nice movie"

3 - At Home

We are watching TV. I'm curious to see how Paul reacts when I tell him that Kate is off until tomorrow morning and that he has to take care of me. I hope so much that he will stay here, stay with me and look out for me.

Of course, he doesn't hesitate a second:

"Kayla, I'm happy to be here, to help you. Whatever you want, whatever you need, you are always welcome. But I'm not prepared to stay overnight."

"‑ook ‑ook Look he‑per he‑per he‑per helper ‑oom ‑oom r room. Cabi‑e‑ cabine‑ cabi‑et cabinet. A‑‑ a‑‑ a‑‑ l all you ‑ee‑ n nee‑ d need. P‑epa‑e‑ r prepa‑e prepared for new he‑per helper."

"Pau‑, p‑epa‑e p‑epa‑e r prepare me be‑ be‑ be‑ be‑ be‑ uhh, s‑eep sleep."

"Ok, Kayla. Let mes guess: First read the manual."

Kayla's Helper Manual

5 -- Bathroom

Kayla has a toilette and shower chair. The seat is a modified toilette seat, open at the front to give access. There are loops for Kayla's ankles and wrists to hold her arms and legs, and retainers at her knees to keep her legs apart for easy access to work on her. The chair has no backrest but an open frame with supports under her armpits to keep her body straight and to avoid that Kayla falls out of it, and a chin brace to prop her head. It fits over a regular toilette. Once in, Kayla can sit alone and do her business without anyone staying with her. It's also possible to lift the underarm pads up until Kayla hangs in the supports. For a shower the whole seat plate can be removed to wash and clean her easily. It's also possible to lift Kayla into a standing position.

Kayla can control her bladder. Normally she does not need a diaper. But she can't pee when she wants. She needs some pressure to do it. So, use a one time catheter to empty her bladder if you expect a long time without access to a disabled restroom or probably before bedtime.

Kayla has absolute no control on her bowels. But this isn't a problem as she doesn't have any proper bowel movement at all. You must stimulate her at least every second day, better every day. The easy way is to insert a suppository and let her wait some time in her toilette chair until it's done. This is easy, but Kayla doesn't deserve to be treated this way. It's a horror for her to be strapped into her toilette chair, helpless, alone in the bathroom, looking against a wall and waiting probably half an hour. And then she must smell her feces until someone looks for her and cleans her. Kayla deserves dignity! The more gentle way is to manually stimulate her butt.

There's nothing special to consider for showering. Kayla likes warm water, the soap on her body and the smell of cleanliness. And, as Kayla always has to look up to everybody, she likes to "stand" at least for her showers, to be at eye level with you. This is important for her, giving her a feeling of parity and equality although Kayla knows of course that she will never be able to stand on her legs without help.

Keep in mind that Kayla deserves privacy and dignity. Always be professional and gentle.

6 -- Bedtime

Kayla can't sit upright in her wheelchair as the left side of her body is weaker than the right one. So, her body is crooked all day, and she needs some relaxation and stretching before she's able to be comfortable and relaxed in bed for the night. Kayla must "stand" in her bathroom chair at least for half an hour. Hanging in the armpits supports relaxes and stretches her body muscles and trains her blood circulation.

Kayla uses a diaper for the night if she can't pee in the evening. She doesn't need it, it's only to be sure. She wears a pajamas shirt and trousers for the night.

As Kayla can't stop the involuntary movements of her arms and legs, she has weight cuffs around her wrists and ankles to limit it.

Kayla can not turn around herself. You must turn her every second hour and check on her anyway because she doesn't have an emergency button. We have tried it, but she can't operate one. Either her hand is on the button, and she can't avoid pressing it involuntary or her hand is next to the button, and she can't reach it due to the weight cuffs around her wrists fixing her hands.

"Ok, what to do first?"

"B‑ush b‑ush b‑ush b‑ush brush ‑ee‑‑ ‑ee‑‑ tee‑‑."

"Kayla, there's nothing about teeth cleaning in the manual."

"S‑upi‑ stupid, same as you. B‑ush b‑ush brush, ho‑‑ ho‑‑ hold hea‑ hea‑ hea‑ head. ‑o‑‑ ‑o‑‑ do‑‑ n don't wa‑‑ wa‑‑ want swa‑‑ow swa‑‑ow swallow i‑ i‑ i‑ it."

Paul brushes my teeth, holding my head, and cleaning my face. Perfect.

"Next? Toilette? Do you need to pee?"

"‑o ‑o no, ca‑‑ can't pee. U‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess u‑‑‑ess un‑‑ess und‑ess uhh, ‑ude nude."

"Want me to undress you?"

"Yes, u‑‑‑ess."

"I‑‑o i‑‑o in‑o in‑o i‑ uhh, me s‑a‑‑ s‑a‑‑ s‑a‑‑ sta‑‑ sta‑‑ stand."

"Kayla, shall I put you into the bathroom chair and lift you up?"

"Yes, ‑e‑ax ‑e‑ax re‑ax re‑ax relax, s‑‑e‑ch s‑‑e‑ch st‑etch st‑etch stretch."

Paul is perfect. He puts me into the bathroom chair, adjusts the armpits supports, and lifts me up. Arms and legs are restrained, and Paul doesn't even forget the chin brace for my head.

"Pau‑, p‑ease i‑se‑‑ i‑se‑‑ inse‑t inse‑t inse‑t uhh, pu‑ put in ca‑‑e‑e‑ ca‑‑ete‑ uhh, ‑ube tube. Emp‑y empty. No ‑iape‑ ‑iape‑ diaper ‑igh‑ ‑igh‑ nigh‑ night."

"Kayla, you want me to put in a catheter? Now? You are nude in your standing frame. Shouldn't I better put you on the toilette?"

"‑o ‑o no, he‑e here. Whee‑chai‑ wheelchai‑ fi‑e fi‑e fi‑e fine. Easy access a‑‑ a‑‑ l all."

Paul is so cute. He blushes.

"Ca‑efu‑ ca‑efu‑ careful, emty, ‑o‑ ‑o‑ not sex."

"‑u‑i‑g ‑u‑i‑g ‑unni‑g r ru‑‑i‑g uhh, f‑ow flow?"

"Yes."

"Wai‑ wai‑ wai‑ wai‑ wai‑ wai‑ uhh, ‑o‑e do‑e done."

"Wa‑ch wa‑ch wa‑ch uhh, ‑V ‑V TV agai‑ agai‑ agai‑ n again."