Kaysie's Repayment

I like this story a lot, and I really wish I could like it a whole lot more. I think the author is on a very similar page as me when it comes to femdom and BDSM, and that, at least if I go by most of the stories I find, is extremely rare.

In so many stories, most stories really, that deal with femdom, male sub/slave, they seem to be about some version of: let's see just how miserable we can make the sub/slave. Let's beat him bloody until he can't even stand. Let's kick him in the balls as hard as we can, several times. Let's shove horse size, and bigger, dildos up his ass and leave them there for extended periods. Sex with the sub/slave? Oh hell no, we've got to find a bull for that. Orgasm for the sub/slave? Sure, at half past the 12th of never. Don't speak unless you're spoken to. Don't dare to ever look at mistress. Don't even think of touching mistress. Let's get a bunch of other women involved who all seem to hate the sub/slave as much as mistress seems to. Let's feminize the sub/slave until he is a totally emasculated sissy and then get him on a steady diet of sucking cock. I could go on and on.

Now I don't mean to judge anyone. Your kink is not my kink, and all that. And certainly judging by the amount of stories that feature one or more of these things, and they get high marks, a lot of people must like these things, but I don't. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that features these things and I don't want to read about them either.

In this story, it doesn't seem like there's going to be any of that. In this story, it seems like, although Kaysie wants to dominate Mike, this will not stop her from liking, caring about, and maybe even respecting Mike. She wants to sexually interact with him. She may use him for her pleasure, frequently. She may tease and deny him, perhaps for hours, maybe even, occasionally for a few days, but she also enjoys making him come and will want him to come quite often. She just gets to decide when. Kaysie may want to totally dominate Mike. She may want to totally own and enslave him, but she will want him to be happy, very happy in his slavery to her. As well as being her sub/slave, Kaysie will want Mike to be her lover, best friend and confidante.

Yes, I am reading a lot into this story, based only on a very short first chapter, but I am also going by what the author has written in his Bio. page, and I really think this story has great potential to be, for me anyway, an almost perfect, loving caring femdom story.

Well, if I feel that way, then, what's not to like? Why did I open these comments with "I wish I could like it a whole lot more"? Really, there's nothing not to like, it's just that this story could be so much more.

What does this story need then. Nothing that others have not already mentioned in previous comments. It just needs more. More narrative. More dialog. More reflection. More emotion. More description. Really, I feel like I can say this is more of a summery of a story than an actual full story. What are these characters thinking? What are their motivations? What do they really want? Who are they? Again, I want to emphasize, it's not a bad story, it could just be so much more.

From the opening paragraph: "Kaysie was the most beautiful girl in school." Really? In what way, or ways is she so beautiful? Describe her. Actually, after going all the way through chapter one, I realize I have no idea what Kaysie looks like.

Kaysie is "a three sport athlete." OK. Nice to know, I guess. What three sports? Which is she best at? Is she captain of any of any teams? A few details here might help the reader see Kaysie more as a person.

Mike states: "But here I am. Walking around the school to meet my longtime crush." Why is she Mike's long time crush? How long is a long time? What are some of Mike's fantasies about her?

Also, although we are told that Kaysie has texted Mike, asking him to meet her, and we are told that Mike is walking around the school waiting to meet her, we are never told if he texted her back saying that he would. A very small oversight perhaps, but including his response could have provided an opportunity for Mike to further elaborate on Kaysie, or his feelings of anxiety, or whatever, and the various responses he might have considered.

On several occasions, Kaysie mentions something about wanting to make something or other up to Mike, but, clearly, this is not her real motivation. It is fun as an opening device, and shows that even the very beautiful Kaysie is a bit nervous when she has to make the first move and is struggling at coming to the real point. After she finally admits she has a bit of a crush on him though, and further admits she has seen his browser history showing his interest in aspects of femdom, which are clearly what has really motivated her to approach him, then the story just kind of moves on with no further elaboration.

Why did she develop a crush on him? Maybe because he was so different from any other boy she had ever been around? Maybe, while working on that project, she saw that he was so kind, so caring, so considerate. Maybe he was always asking her if she needed water, if she needed to take a break. Maybe, even though he so obviously knew the subject matter of their project way better than she did, he never tried to talk down to her and always seemed interested in her opinions. Maybe when they did take study breaks, he actually seemed interested in her and what she had to say. Maybe he never made her feel like he thought she was just a pretty face and a dumb jockette. Maybe he made her feel like he respected her and did not just see her as some dumb blonde (Was she blonde? I don't know. The author never told us.) and a piece of hot meat. Maybe after she saw his browser history it made her realize he could be just the one to really make her happy. He could be the kind of guy that would let her take the lead, the one from whom she could she could take everything she wanted, but who, in turn, she could give everything he needed.

Mike says "You could have any guy you want and yet I'm supposed to believe you picked me?" Good question. Too bad it gets quickly ignored.

Maybe she could begin by thanking him for the complement. Maybe she could admit that he is, at least to a point, correct. Maybe she could say something like 'maybe not any guy but she does get her share of attention.' Maybe she could explain that she's had the jocks, the pretty boys, whatever else, but she's realized they weren't for her. Maybe she has come to realize that she would rather have a guy that is less into himself and more into her. Maybe she has realized that she'd rather have a guy that is willing to put her happiness, and pleasure, ahead of his own. Maybe she has realized that she would rather have a guy she can dominate, and the best choice for that would be somebody who wants to be dominated. Maybe she could point out that it's not so easy as he might imagine to get any guy she wants. Look how much trouble she is having getting him, she might say.

Later on, when they get to her house, while they do talk a bit, and she does, at least, ask him about his limits, there is so much more that could be said.

Might she want to ask him to elaborate a bit on things he really wants to experience and, while they might not be hard limits, things he would really rather avoid? Maybe she would like to ask him about some of his fantasies. Maybe she'd like to ask him just when he first discovered he had an interest in femdom and how persistent that interest is for him.

For Mike's part, he might, like to know some of the same things about Kaysie. For my own part, I would especially like to know how long Kaysie has been contemplating ideas of femdom. Just based on the fact that she already has two pair of hand cuffs and a spreader bar, things you don't usually find in the average girl's possession, and based on the fact that she seems fairly knowledgeable, she probably didn't just discover it for the first time when she saw his browser history. But we have no idea because it never gets talked about

Obviously there are lots of other things they could have talked about when Mike got to Kaysie's house, femdom related or anything else, but it just gets glossed over so we can get to the bedroom.

About that....

It's my understanding that some people reading Lit. stories are just looking for something to help them out with a quick wank. Others, like me, are looking for an engaging story that just happens to have interludes of sex or sexual interaction. Regardless of which type is reading this story, I think they are going to be disappointed by: "She lowers herself onto my face while squeezing my hand. A few minutes later she cums and lifts herself off of me."

Now, I'm not saying that you need ten pages, or even two pages of excruciating detail, but something more than one sentence. I'm not going to try and tell you how to write a sex scene, there are plenty of good ones on Lit. you can look at for inppiration, but just a few thoughts. Just what does he do that makes Mike's tongue so talented? Some sort of description about how he warms her up, how he teases a little, how he tries to gauge what he is doing to her reactions. Something more than I lick her and she comes.

Speaking of her reactions, does she have any? We don't know because the author does not even mention it. Surely she doesn't just sit there like a mannequin. Does she moan? Does she scream? Does she rock back and fourth? Does she grab his hair by both hands and pull his face so tight into her that he has to struggle to breathe. Does she give words of encouragement? Does she give a little instruction? Tell us.

Then we come to this: "My ex hated going down on me." Now this, I think is an outright mistake, because it makes it sound like she has only had one boyfriend. Come on. This is Kaysie, the most beautiful girl in school. Surely she has had a number of boyfriends and had sex with at least several. If so, then this would be a perfect opportunity for her to expand, a bit, on the inadequacies of other boys she has been with. How they outright wouldn't go down on her, or if they did, didn't like doing it, and/or rushed through it so they could get to the fucking. How happy she is to have found someone that likes doing it, and, better still, who she can command to do it as much, and as often as she wants.

Now, after Kaysie does come, and complements him on his "talented tongue," she states: "I hope you're ok that I'm going to make you use that a lot." That's great. She's going to MAKE him. I like that a lot. But here is another opportunity for additional dialogue. Is she just going to use his tongue on her pussy? Hopefully not. Maybe she could go into detail about some of the other places she's going to make him use use his tongue on her. The possibilities are endless.

After reading the whole chapter, the only things I really know about Kaysie are; she is the most beautiful girl in school, she is a three sport athlete, she developed a bit of a crush on Mike and she has some sort of interest in femdom. The only things I know about Mike are, he considers himself a dork, he has had a long time crush on Kaysie but he considers her way out of his league, he has some sort of interest in femdom and he has a talented tongue. I want to know so much more.

After reading all of what I have written, one might conclude that I really didn't like this story. I want to reiterate that I really did like this story. I give it five stars. It's just that I can see how it could be so much better and I would like to be able to give it five blazing stars+++++.

To the author: Rebell1ous, I hope you take these comments in the spirit in which they are intended. I tend to write long comments but I have never written one half as long as this. I've gone to this effort because I see so much wasted potential, and that you could become one of the best authors on Lit. if you would just try to flush things out a bit. Don't be in a hurry. Make your characters come more alive. Let us get to know them, their hopes, their dreams, their wants and needs. Paint with a broad brush and lots of colors.

As a final note, a disclaimer. I am neither a writer, nor an expert on English, nor an expert on literature of any kind. I just know what I like. Therefore, everything I have suggested may be totally wrong and/or may not represent anybody's opinions except my own. Feel free to take any of my advice that sounds right to you and ignore the rest.

Now I guess I'll go read chapter two and see what I can find to bitch about with it!

Very nice, but felt slightly rushed... More dialog, reflection, or emotion would add to it.

Love this story, gentle femdom without all the hardcore dominatrix stuff. And she didn't judge him for blowing quickly, which would be natural after a first and edging blowjob. Looking forward to reading more of this series.

oh would a great start, but i was surprised that she didn't slide all the way back up to his mouth, to have him eat his own creampie out of her pussy. plus with all of the bondage equipment she has, why didn't she put a chastity cage on his cock to keep him her's tell their next meeting. please keep writing on this story..

Very well done!! This should be a series!! I love the super-light blackmail angle of the girl too :)