Kelpie

He made a noise deep in his throat, and I gave him an amused smile as I straightened up. "You've debased me and turned me into a succubus," I said, matter of fact. "Congratulations. Now that I know how good sex is, I'm going to want a lot more."

He smiled but said nothing. He pulled his backpack on and we set off to finish our interrupted stroll.

It took a while before I noticed that I was the one doing most of the talking.

.:.

By the time we'd got back to town I knew something was off. He was answering my questions and still smiling, but I could feel that something had changed and that his mind was elsewhere. We stopped by Nanny Jenny's to check in on her, and I could feel a wall growing between us. I laboured on heroically nonetheless. We sat making desultory conversation for an hour or so, and I tried to ignore the frequent glances Sean shot at the mantelpiece clock.

I felt a growing sense of bewilderment, and I found myself wondering if I'd made a tragic error of judgement.

It was growing cold when we walked to the station; he said nothing on the way so I held my silence too.

.:.

"So I guess I'll see you next week, then?"

"Yes. I really hope so," he answered, in a tone that gave the lie to his words. He smiled down at me, but it looked fake, and I had to fight down the urge to grab his collar and shake him.

"Well, it was a nice day. Thanks for the lovely walk," I said, brightly.

If this was how it would be then I would play my part in it and nothing more.

"My pleasure," he answered.

Was that a faint frown? Perhaps.

His train slowed to a stop, and we moved the metre or two to the door. Sean pressed the button, then he turned to face me. "Well. I'd better get on or it will leave without me."

"Can't have that," I agreed genially, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. "Well, off you go then," I added. "Let me know when you're home safely."

"Sure. I will. Um... bye, Tess."

"Bye, Sean. See you."

I waved, kept my rictus grin in place for as long as I could, and stood there like a pillar of stone as the doors hissed closed and his train moved off.

I watched until a curve of the track took it out of sight, then I gasped a single sobbing breath as my heart shattered.

I stared hard at the billboard over the fence, willing the burning lump in my throat to pass so that I could breathe again.

I would not cry.

I would not shame myself in public by giving into tears like some hysterical wench.

Announcements blared around me. "The next train on platform number two... South East Trains regrets to announce... this weekend there will be planned track closures on..." but I paid them no mind.

Instead, I clenched my hands till my nails dug into my palms, fought in vain against despair, and stared for one brief moment of madness at the pitted length of electrified tracks in front of me.

One step, one brief fall.

That was all that it would take.

And then, oblivion.

I took a breath. I took another. I turned away, made my way out of the station. What had previously been a pleasant warmth in my belly had turned into a bleak and empty void, and I needed to get home so that I could try to hide from it.

Sean did not let me know that he was home.

.:.

The week passed. I sent him several messages; and made one abortive attempt to phone him. I missed him with an almost physical ache and I couldn't understand why things had changed so much in a few short days. Apart from the obvious answer that we'd fucked... and that had clearly caused some complications for him... but the almost total personality reversal made no sense to me at all.

I skipped lectures, kept clear of campus. I couldn't risk running into Molly. She'd see right through me and that would be that - it would be a disaster.

So I neglected myself, gave up on eating, and slept most of the first half of the week away.

Panicked messages and calls began to stream in from Shannon and Molly. I lacked the energy to read and respond to them.

Dreams tormented me. I tried to forget the feeling of his hands on me; of his hard penis moving deep in me, of how he had made me feel real physical desire for another person for the first time in my life. Of the brief moment of madness when I hadn't wanted him to pull out of me; when all I'd craved had been his hot sticky come deep in my body...

I spent many waking hours bitterly wishing that I'd heeded Uncle Jimmie's stark warning.

.:.

It was Thursday afternoon, and I was entertaining myself by watching shadows crawl across my bedroom wall.

I heard my door creak, and I rolled over on my bed. Molly eased the door closed behind her as she slunk in.

"Tess?" she said softly. "Oh thank God, you're here."

"Go away, Molly."

"No. No, I will not go away. Not until you tell me what the fuck is going on and why you aren't answering our calls. Where the fuck have you been, Tess? Shannon is worried sick about you. I've been worried sick about you. I thought you were sick or dead. For fuck sakes, Tess, you can't do that to me!"

I rolled back over towards the wall, saying nothing.

I felt the bed shift as Molly sat down on it, and I shuddered as I felt her place her hand on my back.

"Tess? What's going on? Come on. Please. You've got to tell me."

"No," I whispered.

"Is it... him?"

I squeezed my eyes closed, took a shuddering breath.

"Tess? What happened? Oh God... did... did he... hurt you? Tess, do I need to call the police or take you somewhere?"

"No. Not... he didn't hurt me. Not intentionally. It's not his fault," I whispered.

I heard her sigh in relief.

"Did you..."

"Yes."

"Were you safe?"

"No."

"Oh Christ, Tess... you're not..."

"No. Not that I know. Not that's would have shown. Not like it's been long enough to know anyway."

"So... what is this then?"

"He hasn't called. Hasn't texted. Nothing. It's like throwing rocks into a pit. It's been four days and he's not responded to me. He's had what he was after. I'm... surplus to requirements now."

I could feel her staring at me.

"Quite a role reversal, isn't it," I whispered.

"Yeah. You could say that," she agreed. She lay down behind me, and gently reached out to touch my shoulder.

I rolled over and cowered against her as as the hot flood of tears tore down my walls.

"Sorry, sorry, fuck, I'm sorry..." I gasped once I was eventually done.

"No, Tess. Don't be," she sighed. "But you need to talk about this, love. What happened?"

"We kissed, we fucked, he got cold feet, he ran, curtains fall, lights turn off, audience goes home, theatre burns to the ground, survivors die of famine and plague. The end."

I squeezed my eyes closed, conscious of how ridiculous, how childish I must sound. "I thought it was mutual. Turns out it wasn't," I continued bitterly. "I should have been smarter. Shouldn't have given myself like that. It was too good to be true."

"Was he... your first?"

"Yes," I sniffed.

"Oh Tess. Was... it good at least?"

"I thought so. Clearly he didn't from his subsequent behaviour."

"Oh Tess," she sighed again. "I'm so sorry, love."

"So am I." I hid my face against her. "I should have listened to Uncle Jimmie. He warned me. Said Sean's broken. But stupid little Tess had to go and see for herself."

"It's called being human, Tess. You can't waste time on trying to work out people's motives. That's a fool's game. Chalk it down to experience. Or something."

"Bad experience."

"Only time will tell you that, love. So... can I tell Shannon that you're ok?"

"Yeah. I guess you can lie to her." I scrubbed at my eyes, and sniffed again.

"Oh, Tess."

"I really liked him. Really, really liked him. It was so nice to feel wanted, Mol. I've never felt that from or for a guy. It really sucks," I added with a shudder. "It really sucks all kinds of dick that he is like this under that fake veneer."

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her, but it didn't help - the ache in my chest was jagged and utterly pitiless, and I couldn't help but cry again.

But later I let her drag me out to find Shannon, and the two of them shepherded me through a wake for my innocence that at least numbed my pain for a while.

.:.

Sunday evening found me standing by the promenade railings, watching the sun sink towards the horizon. I was still too hurt and bewildered to feel much beyond vague numbness, and was perhaps hoping merely for some sort of codicil, some end to this unnecessarily self-inflicted and unwanted trauma.

It had been nice to feel desired. However briefly. Those kisses, those hands on me, touching me, the heat of him inside me... making me feel like I mattered. Like I could hope for something.

I wished it could have been real.

But who was I to think I deserved that? I should have known my place. I would always be the girl who stood by and watched while the world gave women like Molly and Shannon who they wanted.

Better to make peace with that than go looking for that which I didn't deserve and wouldn't get.

My phone pinged. Probably Molly checking in on me. I sighed, dug it out of my pocket, glanced at it, then stared at the brief, heartless message he'd deigned to send me.

We need to talk.

I took a slow deliberate breath as the red hot fury built.

You are a vile man I stabbed in response. A week of deafening silence after I gave myself to you and now this? You left me in tears and tatters. Fuck you!

And then, hands shaking, throat and eyes burning, I phoned Molly and somehow kept it together long enough for her to come and find me.

.:.

I ignored Sean's increasingly frequent messages and voicemails, and took to leaving my muted phone in my bag so that I would be able to keep my walls up during the day. I returned to lectures, grovelled before two professors whose assignments I'd missed, and tried to piece the shards of my routine back together.

But it was no use. Bitter thoughts of him and anger at his treatment of me haunted me, and I took to roaming the beach in the evenings to try to find some sort of solace. Monday and Tuesday passed like grey intermissions between my agonising nights of heartbroken loneliness.

Wednesday dawned windy with a storm blowing in up the Channel. I abandoned lectures early and made for my beach. I kept up above the high water line, and the wraith of my inner romantic approved of the doubtless tragic figure I drew against the grey seascape. I stalked up and down, uncaring about the time or how the salt spray soaked into my coat and dress.

A figure appeared on the promenade, then made its way down to the beach. I watched for a while, and then turned away with a sense of resignation as I realised that it was him.

As he closed with me I resolved not to let him know how much he'd hurt me. So I hunched into my tatterdemalion clothing, turned my face resolutely out to sea and waited for him to get the message that he was no longer welcome here in my domain.

.:.

"Tess?"

I stared out at the white horses in the Channel.

"What do you want," I said flatly, after the silence had become excruciating. I didn't look at him.

"Tess... I'm here to... to say I'm sorry."

"For what, Sean?"

A Royal Navy frigate was forcing its way southwest towards Biscay and the Atlantic. Even at this distance I could see spume flying over the ship's bow. It would be good to be on a ship, I thought. Distant, isolated, insulated by wind and water from the lunacy of the land...

I felt his hand on my shoulder and I pulled violently away. "Don't touch me!" I shouted, as fury took me. "Don't you dare touch me. How dare you!"

"Tess," he tried again.

I spun to face him.

"You were my first!" I screamed as I got right up in his face. "Nobody else has ever wanted me! And likewise, for your fucking information! It wasn't desperation, you shit, I gave myself to you because I wanted you and I thought you wanted me too!"

He stared at me, mouth slightly open.

"Do you have any idea how much you hurt me, you cunt? Do you? Poor silly stupid dumb fucking batshit Tess finally thought she'd met someone who'd give her half the fucking time of day and be decent, but no, you just had to go and fucking disprove that! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

"Tess, please, just listen for fuck sakes!"

"No! Just go! I wish I'd never met you!"

The wind whipped hair free from my collar and into my eyes. I could feel the tears coming, and I turned away from him again, scrubbing furiously at my face with my fists.

I would not cry. I would not.

"Tess, I'm sorry, ok! Please! Please just listen to me!"

"Fuck you," I whispered, suddenly exhausted past any point of caring. I tried to get walk away from him, but I couldn't. All the rage and hurt and sadness broke over me all at once; I collapsed unceremoniously to my knees in the sand, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but cry raw, harsh, wrenching sobs into the salty wind.

I had no strength left to even try to break free as he knelt down next to me and gathered me in to him.

.:.

Eventually I was able to take a breath and hold it, then exhale and take another. And from there I was able to at least sit up under my own strength.

Mostly.

"Why are you here?" I asked, low and hopeless. "Why did you have to come back and make it all so much worse?"

Tears tracked down along his own cheeks, and I could not help but reach up to wipe them away for him.

"I'm a fuck up, and I fucked up," he said, shuddering. "But that's on me. I needed to come and try to at least apologise and try to explain to you. I could't sleep, couldn't eat. I had to see you. It was tearing me up inside."

"What was."

"That I behaved how I did after we'd..."

"After we'd what."

"Made love."

"Is that what that was? I wouldn't know," I said, twisting the knife as hard as I possibly could.

I felt him flinch, and I hated myself for it.

"I guess I deserve that," he answered after a moment.

"Why, Sean? Just tell me what I did wrong and let me be alone."

"No, Tess. It wasn't you."

"Is this going to be the old tired its-not-you-its-me thing?"

"Yes," he said softly, and I nearly didn't hear him over the wind.

I felt cold and empty.

"What do you want? Absolution? I'm not a priest. Just go away. Just leave me be."

"No. No I will not, Tess. I can't."

"Please," I begged, desperately pushing at him. "Please..."

He pulled me tightly against him. "No."

"Sean, I can't deal with this. I can't. I can't cope. Please. I'm begging you. Just say your piece and go. You're destroying me. Please. Just go."

"I love you, Tess!"

"You... love me," I said, not quite understanding the words at first. I stared up at him. "You love me. You seduced me with your pretty face, fucked me in a field, stopped talking to me for nearly two weeks, then showed up on my beach, on my only remaining sanctuary... to tell me you love me. What the fuck, Sean. What the actual fuck. What the fuck do you expect from me?"

"For you to listen. Please. Just listen. For a minute longer. Maybe two."

"So talk," I whispered. I turned my face away from him, and tried to wipe my streaming eyes and nose on my sleeve.

"I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for how much I felt when I was with you. I was terrified by it. And I had to be alone to work through it. And I know that was a fucking stupid and selfish thing to do. But I had to."

I let the wind answer for me.

"I never had a mother, Tess. Nan tried her best but she could never fix that scar in me. But she failed. And it's broken me in so many ways. I don't cope at all well with change. I don't cope with intense emotions. It takes me time to work through them. It takes me time to... to react normally. Not instinctively. I have to work so fucking hard not to run and hide. So fucking hard."

I took a shuddering breath, but still didn't answer. I could feel the tears hovering just beneath the surface, and I didn't want to shame myself again. Not today.

"I had to come here to apologise to your face and let you scream at me if you needed to. I owed you that. I owed you an explanation. I'm sorry I hurt you. God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to and I didn't want to. But... sometimes..."

"Sometimes... you just can't help yourself," I finished for him with a sigh.

"I... see a therapist when I can. I have... coping strategies. But..." He paused, swallowed, started again. "Tess, for the first eight years of my life I lived with someone told me at the age of five that she wished I'd never been born. When I was hurt she'd laugh. When I got lost she'd not come looking. I cried myself to sleep most nights until the age of ten..."

He swallowed again.

"I... I don't know if I will ever be able to make peace with that. I learned the hard way not to be open to emotion. I learned never to hope for anything. And that's completely fucked my ability to have a deep relationship with anyone. And so I do my utmost best to avoid growing too close to anyone, because I always end up hurting anyone I care about. And that hurts most of all, because I know what it feels like to be hurt like that. But sometimes... Tess... sometimes... I just can't stay distant. And that's how it is with you. So I'm sorry it happened and I'm really sorry it happened to you. I didn't mean for this. I didn't mean to hurt and I would rather have died than have you go through what I put you through."

I turned back to look at him, but he was staring at the horizon.

And I realised that what I could see in his face was pain from wounds far older and immeasurably deeper than those he'd so helplessly inflicted on me.

My anger was snuffed out in a heartbeat by a swift-rising tide of guilt. I fumbled for his hand, and held it tightly between mine.

"Oh Sean. Oh God. I wish... I wish I could just go back in time and just hug that poor lonely child you were..."

His shoulders slumped as he started to cry.

And then it was my turn to hold him until he'd stopped.

And I didn't let go.

.:.

"I'm still upset. But it will pass with time. Most things do."

I handed him his coffee and then picked up my hot chocolate from the counter. "Come, lets walk. We've got... things to talk about."

"I'm so sorry, Theresa," he said once more. "I'm so sorry. I really regret fucking all of this up so monumentally."

"Tess, Sean. And so am I. Come. Lets go watch the sea some more. The waves will help us." I tugged gently on his arm and steered him along with me.

We found a bench and sat, and after a moment or two I shifted so that our hips were touching. I didn't look at him, but I didn't protest when he hesitantly took my hand in his.

"I'm not going to pretend I'm ok," I said, after a period of silence. "You hurt me terribly by abandoning me like that. I... I know it's not your fault, not really. But it was really... brutal for me that you were prepared to be so intimate with me and then cut me off like that."

"I know..."

"Tell me if you want me to stop," I said, glancing up at his face. "I'd rather stop before you need to run than have to chase you down again. I don't think I have the energy left to do it."

"I won't run. Not now. I've worked through most of it and I... I need to be here for what you want to say to me. No matter how... harsh it is or how hard it is for me to hear it. I owe it to... both of us."

"Well. That's a good start, then." I pushed my leg against him, and felt rather than heard the sigh he let out.

"What do you want from me?"

"It's a long list, Tess."

"I've got all the time in the world for you, Sean. You know that. I told you that. That hasn't changed."

"That's... part of why I was so scared. And... and part of why I came back."

"Mm."

"I need... safety, Tess. I need constancy. Something solid to hold on to. I need..."