Kelpie

He fell silent. "Men aren't supposed to say things like this," he continued, morose. "We're supposed to be strong. Independent. Not needy. Not emotional. I'm... both."

"Strong doesn't mean rigid," I said softly, after giving his admission the quiet respect it deserved. "Sometimes it's okay to bend and flow and move aside for a while. To be the water rather than the stone."

"I need to feel like... like someone cares. That I matter."

"I care. And you matter to me," I added. "You have never been far from my thoughts, Sean, from that day you first walked into the bookstore. That's why this mess we've made hurt so much. I didn't understand it. I didn't have any idea what went so horribly wrong when everything finally seemed to have been going so right for once."

"I know."

I leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Feeling like I'd lost you ripped the roots out from my world," I said, after a brief struggle. "It made me realise how much I depend on our... relationship. Such as it is. Was."

"Was?" he sighed.

"Well. Before this drama I'd have said I was well down the road to thinking of you as my boyfriend."

"And now?" he said, softly.

"Now? I don't know. I don't know if I want to expose myself to more of what this aftermath has been like for me."

He fiddled with his coffee cup.

"Would you be willing to try? Now that you know what... caused it?"

"Ask me again later," I answered gently, giving his hand a squeeze.

We watched the wind as it whipped foam from the crests of the distant waves.

"I would do anything to undo the last two weeks," he said after a while.

"All of it?"

"Perhaps not all of it," he answered with the faint ghost of a smile.

"That's better. That's the playfulness I remember," I said as I leaned into him. "You can let it out. I'm not going to bite any more. Not today, at any rate."

"I've always felt safe talking with you. Even if I had nothing to say."

"You do say nothing very eloquently."

He snorted. "Nice."

We sat in silence for a moment more

"It was very good, Tess."

"What was?"

"Being with you."

I flushed slightly. "Stop trying to weasel your way out." I squeezed his hand again, and moved it and mine to my lap. "But yes. I enjoyed it. Would have loved more opportunity to... explore that aspect of things."

"Ditto," he sighed.

"I took a big risk with you," I added. "Just so we're clear. A stupid one too, to boot."

"I know, believe me."

I watched him for a moment. "Sean. Say I was to... perhaps... want to try. Would you be prepared to make me a promise?"

"Yes," he said, meeting my gaze.

"Before you say yes, hear the terms. It would be to promise to never, ever leave me like that again. Never, ever. No matter what. No matter what happens - we talk and then we act. Even if that action is to part ways, I need to know that you will talk to me first. Would you make that promise to me?"

He nodded once, deliberately. "I promise I will never do that to you again, Tess. No matter what. I'll nail my toes to the floor if I have to."

"Ok," I breathed. I leaned my head against him and listened to the wind.

"Sean?" I asked, after a while.

"Yes?"

"Don't you need to go back to Cambridge? It's not the weekend."

"No," he answered. "I'm sticking around until Sunday. Nan's a bit poorly and needs some help around the house, and I won't miss anything in my coursework that I can't catch up later. And even if neither of those things were true... you're here. And right now I need to be near you."

I sighed, not unhappy with his answer.

"We should get going. Sun will start setting soon and it will get cold. Make that colder," I added with a shiver. "And I still need to catch a bus home."

"Yeah. But... it's just so nice to sit here with you and have nowhere urgent to be."

"Yeah, it is."

"So am I still in the running for a position as your boyfriend?"

"Hah. Giving yourself titles and honourifics you haven't earned, are we?"

I stretched up and kissed his cheek to chase away any potential sting my words might cause, and noticed with approval that he flushed.

"I suppose I could be persuaded to allow you to call yourself that," I added.

"So that would make you my girlfriend?"

"I guess I could stand the shame of that."

"I'll take that," he said softly.

"Don't abuse it again. My heart won't take it."

"I won't."

"I hope you won't." I sighed. "Sean... it's official. I'm getting cold."

"Come, I can fix you some tea at my Nan's."

"That... would be very nice, actually."

"Let's go then."

He stood and pulled me gently to my feet. I took one last look at the ocean, then linked arms with him.

.:.

"She's settled in for a nap," he said, pulling the passage door closed behind him. "Dosed her with something for the cold so she'll be out for an hour or two."

"You take really good care of her."

"She was always there for me when I needed her. It's my turn now. She has nobody else. Neither do I."

"That's not strictly true any more," I said softly.

"I know. But you know what I meant," he replied, as softly.

"You're a good man, Sean."

"I try to be."

I handed him a battered tin cup. "Here. I made you a coffee while I waited."

"Thanks, Tess," he said with a smile. "My favourite mug too."

"Lucky guess, that." I picked up my teacup and its two faded tabby cats and followed him as he moved through the kitchen and into the tiny glass... conservatory was too generous, so I guessed vestibule would probably be a better description. He moved some pots and a pair of worn gardening gloves off a wicker bench and sat down, then shifted over to make room for me.

I turned slightly so I could lean back against him and rest my head against him as I sipped my tea. "Don't move," I said. "You're warm and comfortable, and I am physically and emotionally exhausted. To make amends you shall now be my bed."

I heard him laugh softly, and I closed my eyes and sighed out a breath as I felt him gently kiss my head. He slowly snaked his arm around me, and I shifted my own arm so he could clasp me closer.

"Makes a change from our walks, doesn't it."

"Yes. I've got more clothes on, that's for sure," I said. I put my tea aside on the battered windowsill and turned a bit more so that I could rest a cheek against him.

"You still smell really nice," I said, after a while. "I could spend way too many hours just being like this with you, merrily pretending the world didn't exist."

A gust of wind caused a climbing rose's branches to scratch and tap on the glass. Above us in the slowly darkening sky I could see the first low clouds blowing through.

"I guess that was the last of the good weather."

"No more walks," I agreed sadly. "Not for the next couple of days anyway."

He shifted his arm upwards slightly so that it nestled just under my breasts. I smiled to myself. "That's nice," I murmured. "I like when you hold me like that. It... warms me."

"Was a time not too long ago when I thought I'd never get the chance again."

"It's my aim to be better at moving on from... drama," I said softly. "I carry too much with me. So I try to be more like water, to let the bad things float away downstream to be forgotten."

"Tess... I..."

"Shh, Sean. Don't. Just be in this moment for a while."

I reached down, found his hand, and squeezed it, then slipped it in under my open jacket so that it was nestled against my breast. I felt rather than heard the catch in his breathing, and he shifted so that I lay more completely against him. His finger moved tentatively over me, and I let out a sigh of my own as I stretched up to kiss his jaw.

"We can't do anything," I breathed. "But you can at least have a taste of what I want to give you again."

"A taste, hmm?"

"Oh you filth," I said, laughing softly. "You know what I mean. Though... mm, that idea does warm me up quite nicely."

"Stop taunting me," he murmured into my ear. "Or I'll do it."

I arched slightly back against him as he ran his fingers of my breast. "I could almost be convinced to take you up on that offer. The only problem being it's fucking freezing and I'm not going to get turkey skin just so you can play with me."

"I have a room upstairs..."

"I am not going to do anything with you in your Nan's house, mister," I said. "I'm not going to be responsible for her dying of shock when she comes to investigate the screams. "

"Screams, is it?"

"Oh yes. Definitely, yes. Judging by what you did to me last time."

He kissed my neck and I moaned. "Sean. Stop. Not here. It's not respectful."

He relented and settled me back against him, and I will admit that a part of me was disappointed.

.:.

I waved at Sean through the grimy window as my bus pulled away from the bus stop, then slumped back against the equally filthy seat. My emotions were still raw but I felt far more at peace than I had at any time in the prior two weeks. I conjured the memory of his fingers on my body, gently teasing the swell of my breast, then shifted at the uncomfortable need the memory awakened. I stared out at the deepening twilight as the bus snaked along the coastal road and slowly the urge subsided to a dull ache of missing him. I turned slightly on my seat, wedged myself in against the bumps the bus' inadequate suspension subjected me to, and assumed my commuter-zombie mode for the remainder of the trip home.

I was climbing the stairs to the front door of my digs when my phone began to vibrate.

I glanced at it. It was Molly calling to check in on me. I took a breath to steady my nerves before I answered.

"Molly?"

"Tess? Where the fuck are you, stranger? Did you skip lectures again?"

"I needed... air and space."

"I'm going to ask again... where are you?"

"Just got home," I said as I unlocked the front door and nudged it open.

"Ok. Good, that's a relief. Are you feeling better?"

"I saw him, Mol."

"You saw him... Sean?"

"Uh huh."

"Tess, are you ok, love?"

"Yes. I'm surprisingly enough actually ok. It... we... I think... I think I understand what happened."

"Sounds fraught. Are you going to fill me in?"

"His mum is a complete and utter rat-twat and it's really... It's fucked him up, Mol. He got... overwhelmed and... and ran."

"Okay... I mean... that's tres fucking random but sure, I can see how maybe that would cause issues... but fuck me raw, Tess. Anyway. Is it sorted? Did you manage to get some closure?"

"Um... no. Not... not exactly."

"Tess. Oh God, Tess, no, please, please don't tell me you're giving him another chance..."

"Mol, he took everything I threw at him and stuck around for it. And what he said made sense to me. And I could see how upset he was about hurting me. He's a nice bloke, Mol. Just... I just didn't know how deep his scars were is all. He's really sweet. He's trying despite everything that's happened to him. I... I owe him a chance at least. At least I will be going in with knowledge this time."

"Hold that thought. I'm getting a drink. And by a drink I mean a bottle. Jesus Christ, where the fuck is my gin. And yes I realise the irony, you whorebag, so don't you go calling me on the role reversal."

"Mol. It's me you're talking to, your patron saint of sensibleness."

"My patron saint of lunacy more like." I heard her sigh. I could picture the worried frown even now. "Tess... I know you well enough to know I'm not going to change your mind on this. If you say you're giving it a go then good for you. Just... Christ, Tess, please just be careful. I... I hate what he turned you into these past two weeks. I've never seen you like that before and I never want to again. I'm warning you. If he hurts you again I will find him and run him over with my dad's van and bury him on Camber Sands at low tide on a moonless night with a stake through his testicles. And I'll pee on his corpse for good measure."

"I love you, Molly," I said with a small smile. "Thanks for always looking out for me."

"Yeah. Christ only knows why, it's a fucking thankless job," she muttered. "So... you're ok? I don't have to fret? I can move straight on to alcohol?"

"I'm fine."

"You'd tell me if you weren't, right? Right?"

"I promise I'm fine, Mol. Um. On the subject of alcohol... do you..."

"Be there in fifteen minutes. I'll bring the wine. And you're going to tell me everything and listen to me as I tell you what an absolute idiot you are."

"I look forward to it."

"Love you, Tess, see you now."

She broke the connection.

As I was lowering my phone a message arrived from Sean.

A simple Home safe. Nan sleeping. Thanks for listening. Going to catch up on my sleep. See you tomorrow

I sent him a heart in reply.

.:.

Just be careful

Molly's words chased themselves around in my head as I waited for Sean. I'd heard the hidden double meaning behind them and done a little... shopping... in preparation.

Just in case anything were to happen.

Be there in five pinged my phone.

I'd taken care to dress for the weather - thick woollen stockings and boots and my burgundy knee-length dress that had always flattered my slight figure. I'd dug my nicer wool coat out, and even made an effort with my hair - an effort which was now being spoiled by the fresh south-westerly wind. I dragged strands out of my face for the umpteenth time, amused, found an empty bench with a view of the waves and lurked there, waiting.

Footsteps behind me. Two arms around me, making me gasp with surprise. A whiff of his scent. The rough stubble of his inadequate shave against me as he kissed my cheek and held me close.

"Hello," he breathed.

"You startled me," I said, heart thudding. "Normal people approach from the front."

"You haven't tried to escape."

"Well, no. Why would I? I love your arms around me. Even when I'm not expecting them."

"Well. I'll warn you next time."

"Come sit next to me and let me lean on you and I'll forgive you."

"As you wish."

"And don't quote The Princess Bride at me, either."

He laughed softly and let go of me, then climbed over the bench's backrest and slid down next to me. "Ta da," he said, and I couldn't help but grin back at him.

"You're in a good mood," I said.

"Getting to spend time with you puts me in one."

"Easy date. Low standards."

"Nonsense," he demurred. "Don't mock yourself, it's misplaced."

"Mm. Truce then?"

He leaned in and kissed me. "Truce."

"It's a bit windy for the water. And I'm not dressed for the hills. Oh, what shall we do?" I continued, theatrically.

"We could amble along the promenade, and then perhaps a late brunch or early dinner? My treat?"

"So long as it's nothing fancy or expensive."

"Good, because I can't really do either," he said with a wry smile.

He stood and took my hand and pulled me to my feet, and I stepped in close to hug him. "I missed you," I whispered. "I would have loved to have stayed last night, but..."

"Cooler heads needed to prevail," he finished for me.

"I'm glad you understand..."

"Tess... I never want you to feel pressured into anything around me."

"I am a donkey, Sean. I don't do things I don't want to."

He smiled and took my hand. "Which way?"

"Upwind," I said with a grin. "Keeps my ridiculous hair out of my face."

"I like your hair," he said. "Even when it's trying to strangle you. Or me," he added, spitting some of it out of his mouth.

I laughed.

"I'll walk downwind of you. Will keep both of us unentangled," I added.

We set off, no fixed destination in mind. His hand was warm in mine, and his gait comfortable. I felt happy, and strangely at peace with him there next to me, content in our silence while the gulls swooped and screamed overhead.

.:.

I fumbled the door open behind me, thoroughly distracted by both the buzz from the wine and more immediately by his kisses. He held me from behind, gently nuzzling my ear and neck as I struggled to unlock the front door, before, not satisfied with how unhelpful he was being, he spun me around to continue his full-scale assault on my senses.

"Sean," I gasped as we staggered over the threshold. "Wait... I need... to close the door..."

He pushed it closed behind us and ensured it was locked with a nudge of his foot. "Done," he whispered. He slipped his hands under my coat and I bit my lip to stop myself from moaning as he slid his fingers down along my back and to my bum.

"My room," I managed. "Now. Flatmate is... out... but home soon... probably..."

"Lead on..."

"Gonna have... to let go... first..."

He obliged. I grabbed his hand, spun, and dragged him up the narrow stairs, past the shared bathroom and into my lair. I propelled him through the door in front of me, bumped my door closed with my bum, and then shrugged out of my coat and kicked it aside.

"You are a fantastic kisser," I told him, as I dropped my bag beside my coat. "You make it impossible for me to do anything else while you're doing that to me."

"Well. I do enjoy kissing you," he said with a playful leer.

I laughed, then bent forward to unzip my boots. I removed one, then the other, then slowly straightened and stretched my arms up above me to shake out my hair.

"What?" I asked suspiciously, as I realised he was staring at me.

"Burgundy suits you, and that dress is marvellous."

"I know. I chose it specially for today - to ensnare you."

"You wasted your time, I was already ensnared. But you're stunning in it. It's like it was made with you in mind."

"Mm." I stepped forward, reached for his jacket, and slowly began undoing the buttons. "You're flirting with me."

"Oh, am I?"

"Yes. It's terrible. Totally against the rules. You should be ashamed," I continued as I opened his jacket and slid one sleeve down his arm. "What's a poor girl to do when she's being flirted with, I wonder."

I freed him from the clutches of his jacket, dropped it to the floor and kicked it to rest alongside mine.

I made a small noise as he put his hands to my hips and pulled me against him.

"Enjoy it, perhaps?" he breathed into my ear.

"Oh, you have absolutely no idea how much I am."

"Oh?"

"Literally no idea," I repeated. I began unbuttoning his shirt. "See," I continued. "The problem with me is that I have a visual imagination. And I've been imagining all sorts of things all day."

"Such as?" he grinned.

I ran my hand up along his stomach, and he took a shuddering breath.

"Such as you tonguing me until I scream again. "

I stood on my toes and kissed him. I wriggled my belly against the hard bulge of his groin; he pulled me hard against him, grinding himself into me.

"What else," he groaned in my ear.

"You, hard, in me," I whimpered. I dropped my hand down, stroking the line of him. "I loved it so much. It was so good."

"God, you do my head in," he breathed, and I laughed as I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him.

He slid his hands down my back, and hiked up my dress so that he could cup my bum in his deliciously strong hands. I moaned at that, and lifted one leg to curl it around his. At that, though, he lifted me, and I squeaked as he held me poised with bulge of his cock pressing against my aching groin.

"I want you," he breathed, staring at me.

"I'm yours," I whispered. I reached behind my back and slowly eased the zipper downwards. "Put me down so I can strip for you."

He slid me slowly down along himself, and I shuddered. I let the dress fall free from my shoulders, and shivered as he undid the clasp on my bra.

He let it fall aside, then took the waist of my dress and slowly lifted it up and off me. I shivered in the chill air, then moaned as he pulled me against him again. "Take your shirt off," I whispered. "I'll get your pants."

I began to fumble at his belt; he dropped his shirt beside us and pulled me against him. My skin tingled, and I took a single shaking breath before I let his jeans fall and reached down into his underwear to take him in my hand.