Knife's Edge Pt. 02

Joel gently extracted himself from underneath me and rolled us over so I was lying on him again. He grinned as he took me in and pushed my hair off my face.

"We should probably shower." He said.

"5 minutes?" I struggled to catch my breath. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed happily.

"5 minutes, but I'm about to fall asleep." He yawned. "Ugh. I should probably change the sheets." He groaned.

"Not on my account." I started to stretch out and see if I could remember when and where all my various bits and pieces started and ended. "I don't care."

"Thank God, that was gonna be way beyond my capabilities." He watched me stretching, checking me out almost absentmindedly. I felt a need to cover up all of a sudden, which is kind of weird when you've just been dicked down twice, and I awkwardly hopped off the bed.

"Shower?" I checked. Joel grunted and got to his feet, throwing me an oversized t shirt that just about covered everything as he wrapped an old slightly damp towel around himself. He nodded for me to follow him.

He turned on the shower and hunted in his bathroom drawers, sighing after he slammed the last one shut.

"No spare toothbrush." He shrugged. "I would like... share... but that's extremely gross." I nodded in agreement.

"I'll just use my finger." I smiled at him. "Thanks anyway."

"You want to shower alone?" He asked as he checked the water. Ugh. It was gonna make me sound like the clingiest fucking bottom in the world... but I still, really didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

"Uh... it would save water if we go together." I suggested. Joel beamed at me as he dropped his towel and stepped closer, pulling his t-shirt over my head.

"I'm spent though." He took my hand and pressed me against him as he reached for some soap. "In case you thought we'd check off shower sex as well."

"There's no way." I laughed. "My ass isn't magic."

"Agree to disagree there." Joel started rubbing me down and I laughed at him.

"Ah, can I do me?" I rolled my eyes. "Think I remember how to clean myself."

"And deny me your body?" Joel sighed dramatically as he handed me the bar of soap. He reached for what was presumably his flatmates body wash instead and sniffed it dubiously as he helped himself. "Ew what is that?" He offered it to me. I shrugged.

"Something fancy from Lush, you're definitely getting in major trouble for using that." Joel shrugged.

"Ah well. Worth it." He grinned, wrapping his arms around me.

We fell back into his bed and Joel immediately wrapped himself around me, clinging to me like a baby monkey.

"Joel." I sighed heavily. "For the love of god, please get the fuck off."

"Aw, no cuddling?" He pouted and rolled off me, giving me the sappiest puppy dog eyes.

"It's hot." I complained.

"So we'll ditch blankets?"

"And heavy!" I laughed. "Aw, dude, sorry but I like my space."

"Fine." He grinned at me and pecked my forehead before turning over. "Night, Rubes."

"Night." I turned my back to him and curled up. Thankfully, with how late... early? It was, and the fact he'd really tired me out, sleep came before I had half a second to get in my head.

---- ---- ---- 4.

It was almost like I'd been drunk for 24 hours. When it's happening everything seems raw and real and right.

But when you wake up... there's this fuzzy, sinking, horrible feeling that you've done something

just unbelievably stupid.

I felt sticky. I felt sticky and hot and my gut was sinking to the floor even as I held onto my dreams with every strand of consciousness I could. No good. I couldn't close my eyes and pretend things weren't real forever.

What the fuck had I done? What was I meant to tell AJ? Texting a random dude was bad but this... this actually might be unforgivable.

I rolled over to check my phone and see if he'd called and I felt the bed creak gently with my movements. I love your body. What a joke. Joel was a liar- either because he didn't love my body or because he did have a fetish. My cheeks burned. Oh fuck. I was probably some stupid bet, or some stupid box he'd just ticked. 'I slept with my fat boss'. I should never have let my guard down. Now I was in deep shit with AJ, and I was about to be humiliated at work, and I hated myself for letting the impulsive, horny idiot that I didn't even know I was inside out to fuck up my whole life.

Maybe I should quit my job. Maybe AJ would take me back if I told him I was working on myself and taking his advice. Now was as good a time as any. Just not even show up at work ever again. I snorted- tempting, but I knew I couldn't walk out like that.

It was just after 9am. I yawned. I'd need to be at work in a couple of hours. I'd need to dash home and shower and change clothes. I had to get up, hopefully while Joel stayed asleep, and start to practice pretending this never happened.

I started to peel myself off the sheets and heard Joel grunt as he roused himself.

"Hey." He yawned. "You off?"

"Yeah."

"What time you in today?"

"Was aiming for 11 ish?" Joel glanced at the time and nodded.

"I could give you a lift in?" He offered. I glanced at him as I retrieved my jeans.

"Uhhh.... I was kind of thinking.... We maybe... don't show up together?"

"Good point." He relaxed into his pillows. He looked at me, the exact way he'd looked at me last night: hungry. I felt my insides responding in spite of my brain and I quickly turned away to get dressed. "Leave those, I'll wash them." He said as I reached for my underwear. I stifled a laugh.

"And hand them back to me over the pass?" I suggested.

"Ah, fair point." He winced as I picked them up and shoved them in my pocket. "Ew. Slut." Yeah. Pretty much exactly what I'd been thinking about myself.

"Takes one to know one." I smiled tightly. "Ok. I'm Audi. Thanks for uh... the..."

"Mind blowing orgasms?" He suggested. "Anytime Rubes." I nodded awkwardly. "I mean that." He said, sitting up a little. "We HAVE to do this again sometime, you know, on the DL."

"Yeah." I glanced at him as I reached for the door. "I'll hit you up."

"Nice." He nodded at me. "Catch you at work then."

"See ya."

---- ---- ----

I mumbled a good morning to Mum, mentioning I'd stayed at a friend's. I hated that. Explaining where you've been to your parents when you've lived away for so long is excruciating. She gave me a once over and passed me a mug of coffee and neither of us said anything else about it.

When Joel showed up at work I started experiencing full body waves of humiliation. He'd always had the self awareness of a bird's reflection so the strutting and preening and good mood wasn't surprising. But it was physically painful to watch. Like a testosterone fuelled performance designed to tell everyone in the whole building he'd got laid. The shame was impossible to shake off. It clung to me, sitting heavy over my body like a hot itchy blanket. I tried desperately not to think about Joel, but I kept drifting back, replaying things over and over, sometimes imagining them differently. Cringing at myself and how I fell for him and his body and his 'I'm a sensitive guy' thing. He'd seen me NAKED! He was probably laughing his tits off. Yeh I fucked the manager. He was easy. Practically begged me, the fat sack of...

"The fuck is wrong with you?" Kurt hissed. "You just about made Georgie cry!"

"What?!" I crashed back to reality, hearing the way I'd just spoken. "Oh fuck. Cover her section?"

"Sure but..." I sprinted away and grabbed Georgie.

"The way I just spoke to you was unacceptable. I apologize, George. No idea what came over me."

"Yeah, what was that?" She glared at me. I could see her eyelashes were wet. I winced.

"Me being a cunt because I was caught up in my own head." I swallowed. "I know you're incredible. You are so fast. You're in the background of everyone's sections making things go smoothly. I think you're one of the most solid people I've ever worked with and I appreciate you so much. Fuck ups happen. They happen to everyone. And I snapped for no reason, and I understand if you need to take a minute, but I know I shouldn't have said it."

"Thanks." She turned her head to one side. "That was weird actually. You're normally so nice. Are you good, Rubes?"

"I'm..." I closed my eyes. "I'll be fine. Take five, I've got your section."

"Thanks." She smiled at me and wiped her face. "You're all good, Rubes. You ever bark like that again at me and I'll fucking quit- but I know that's not you."

"Thanks." I mumbled.

I headed back to Kurt and relieved him. He shook his head at me.

"Everything ok?" He leant on the bar, staring at me. "It's like uno reverso day in here. Joel clearly got laid, he's in the best mood of his life, and you're skulking around like a wounded Rottweiler."

"Well I got dumped." I said shortly.

"Oh fuck." Kurt's face fell. "Oh, Rubes." He waved to one of his tables and started moving away, wincing apologetically at me between his smiles at his tables. "I'm taking you out after this.We are TALKING!!" He trilled.

"We are not." I mumbled.

----

"What happened?" Kurt lit a cigarette with wide eyes. I wasn't closing, so we finished around the same time and I let myself be led to the local pub that stayed open till the wee hours. Kurt had sat me down and bought us an awful bottle of wine. I hung my head.

"You know that random guy who you told me not to text?"

"Wait, Rubes, you didn't fuck him?!" Kurt sat bolt upright.

"No!" I shook my head at Kurt furiously. "No! No, but I did text him. It was so fucking stupid of me. Anyway, AJ saw his texts back and they were so fucking... horny! It looked so bad. And now he won't speak to me."

"Why the fuck did you text him?" Kurt asked gently. He seemed genuinely confused. Bless him for not thinking the absolute worst of me.

"I don't know!" I rubbed my face. "I was mad at AJ, we keep fighting, he thinks I'm hideous and he hates me half the time and I didn't know how to fix it!"

"Did you... think that..."

"Obviously I didn't think texting someone else would fix it!" I sighed. "I just... look, I just know I don't bring any value to AJ's life, and that feels shitty all the time but it feels really shitty right now- and sometimes... you just want to feel like you have value, you know?"

"Oh dude." Kurt sighed. "Buddy, you should never feel like you don't have value. Especially with your boyfriend! Of like, what... six years right?"

"Eight."

"Eight..." Kurt's brows knitted together. Yepppppp. There was that look. I get it whenever anyone starts doing the math. My skin went a little hot. I stuck my chin out defensively. Just because we were... not currently together... didn't mean I was willing to hear Kurt's theory on 'appropriate age gaps' or whatever he was about to get into.

Kurt opened his mouth and closed it. He took a shallow breath. "Since you were 16?"

"Yes."

"I thought AJ was like 30?"

"Yeah, he's in his 30s." Kurt's eyebrows were moving further and further up his face. If he didn't watch then they might fly away.

"I'm um... struggling to come up with a number where I feel like that's ok." He said eventually.

"I think our generation can just be weird about age gaps?" I cleared my throat. "My parents are eight years apart."

"Yeah but were either of them a minor when they met?"

"They met after uni."

"Yeah that's uh... bro. That's not the same." Kurt closed his eyes. "Your relationship is starting to make a lot more sense." He mumbled. "So... ah... how old... exactly... is AJ?" I poured us each more wine and lit a cigarette.

"You already said you don't feel like it's ok." I said eventually.

"How bad are we talking?!" Kurt's eyes bulged.

"He's 34." I said.

"Thirty fucking four!" Kurt whistled. "Fucking fuck, Rubes! Fuck, are you OK?!"

"No? I've been dumped? But otherwise fine."

"How did you even meet?!" Kurt was shaking his head. He lit another cigarette, even though one was burning in the ashtray.

"He coached my soccer team." I shook my head. "Look, it's worse on paper than in real life. He'd been coaching me for a couple of years, we just clicked, it all happened organically and it's never been an issue ok?"

"Except you CONSTANTLY have issues!" Kurt spluttered. "He withholds sex, he belittles your career, he makes you feel like you have no value, he never lets you hang out with anyone... Just because he waited till you were 18 to start fucking you doesnt..." He trailed off, catching my eye. I tried to make my face seem neutral. But Kurt can read me really well. "Oh." His whole body deflated. "We never did anything illegal." I mumbled.

"Yeah no shit he didn't. How old were you when you met?"

"Does it make that much of a difference?" I practically whispered. I wasn't really arguing. Because I heard it. Some things sound REALLY bad on paper.

"15?" Kurt guessed.

"14." I lit a cigarette.

Kurt nodded slowly. He finished his glass of wine in two very impressive gulps.

"Oooohhhhhh- Kay." He sighed slowly. "I'm... I'm not qualified, bro. But I love you man. And fuck AJ! Fuck, I'm glad you broke up! You are so much better off without him! You're young! You're smart! You're hot!" I snorted. "Oh you are." Kurt rolled his eyes at me. "Since you starting hitting the gym everyone fucking checks you out. Don't pretend you don't see it."

"I'm not buying it, but I appreciate the effort." I folded my arms.

"Enough self deprecation!" Kurt sighed dramatically. "Jesus Christ you drive me crazy. Are you actually delusional or do you just really want to hear that you're hot?"

"I know what I'm working with." I mumbled.

"No you don't." He protested. "And I'm not the one to get it through your thick skull. You want me to help you set up Grindr?"

"Dude I've been single for five minutes. I've only ever had sex with..." I felt myself blush. Kurt didn't need to know EVERYTHING. "I'm not ready for that kind of thing ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, alright. That's definitely pushing you in the deep end. Tinder?"

"I don't want another guy." I folded my arms.

"Yeah but you need one." Kurt sighed. "You... fuck me. You have a lot to learn about love, my friend. And sex, probably."

"I'm good."

"Sure, be moody and withdrawn forever." Kurt sighed. "Hey, want me to put you in touch with a therapist?"

"Not really?"

"I think you should see a therapist."

"I think I can't afford it."

"Well you're not paying rent anymore are you?"

Oh. Rent. Good point.

---- ---- ----

I'd just paid rent. That actually gave me a little goal. Next week, before it went out- text AJ. Ask him if I should stop payments.

---- ---- ---- 5.

I was hungover. My brain didn't work and I was grateful. When my brain worked it was just go, go, go to no good end. But I'd ended up getting sloppy with Kurt, who seemed to be drinking to fill his own pit of concern. I could see it in his eyes. I didn't want to ask him about it. I had a horrible feeling it was about me.

"You up for a jam session?" Joel yawned as we stood opposite each other on the pass. It was the slowest lunch we'd had in ages. He'd cut everyone but the dishie and I'd cut everyone but my barista Maria, in the hopes that maybe that would make things more fun. But it was sunny and gorgeous outside and it seemed like everyone was dining al fresco.

"Oh! Yeah actually." I responded way quicker than I meant to. I cleared my throat. "Like with you?"

"Ha ha." He rolled his eyes. "Na, I mentioned to my mates- Roy- I live with him, and his brother Blake- that I knew this drummer and they really need one for their band Technicolour Pachyderms..."

"Oh..."

"And I kind of told them you'd be over tonight?" Joel met my eye.

"Over where?" I winced.

"Kelburn. I'll give you a lift on my break."

"So you're coming?"

"No, space cadet, I'm working." He raised his eyebrows. "Are you not keen?"

"Ah..."

"I could reschedj?" He offered. "We're both middle shift tomorrow yeah?"

"Na." I swallowed. I could be cool. "Tonight sounds great. Are you sure you can give me a lift?"

"Yeah, course. I'll drop you off and do intros and we can have a sesh before I head back."

"You reckon you can do a dinner shift sober?" I glanced up at him.

"Not if it's this quiet." He slumped over the pass. "My COGS are gonna be fucked." He groaned, swatting at a stray fly near the pass.

"Let's do a happy hour special." I leant on the counter. "What's fucked?"

"We don't do happy hour here." Joel shot daggers at me. "This is a fucking restaurant, not a gastropub."

"Fine." I folded my arms. "Short cocktail list, heading 'Carpe Diem: Harvest of the Day'. 4-6pm then it's not 'happy hour'. $15 bites. What bites are we offering, chef?"

"$15? Not exactly cheap."

"Compared to a $30 tapas plate?"

"Will it work?"

"Better than trying nothing." We stared at each other. Joel started to shake his head, a small smile breaking out.

"God you make me cry with happiness sometimes Rubes." He grinned. "Ok, we'll do a sesame crust deep fried halloumi with chilli honey, tempura zucchini flowers with a za'atar tzatziki, uhh..." He checked the fridges under the counter. "Salmon sashimi with shiso maple glaze...." He poked his head up. "I also have chicken wings. Meant for staffies but fucking all your staff are vegetarian. Can we sell wings? They're free range."

"Yeah totally, do three per plate with... fuck it, can you do a blue cheese dressing?"

"Na." Joel tapped the counter. "Hmm. What about a miso glaze? We don't need anything with it do we? For a 'bite'?"

"Bit of colour?"

"I need my scallions for brunch." He chewed on his bottom lip. "Wish I had some coriander."

"Literally anything green you need to use up should be fine."

"Even if it's just to recoup costs I want more than fine." Joel glared at me. "Ok, hold up. I'll do a quick red cabbage brine. So miso roasted wings with shredded brined cabbage..."

"Sauerkraut?"

"Only it's not is it? And not kimchi."

"Shredded brined cabbage sounds like ass."

"Well so is sauerkraut." Joel sighed. "Shredded cabbage with sesame apple vinegar dressing. Ok?"

"You ok if I refine that a bit?"

"Oh fuck you chef." He sighed. "Yeah go print the menu. I'll prep. Maria can handle this eh?" I looked over the one table of a single lady on a laptop who'd been there for an hour.

"Yeah I think she can handle this."

--- ---- ---

The business of going off book and embracing happy hour helped with my hangover, as did worrying about a jam session later. I hadn't done a jam session since I was knee deep in Orchestra. That was always just a bunch of us trying to out do each other and show off for half the time, and usually coming together pretty naturally to do something really nice for the other half. I'd never done anything with amateurs. That sounded harsh. Note to self- don't call them amateurs. It was more than that anyway. It wasn't just the actual playing- I mean I could probably hit some cheap drum kit with a couple of sticks and make it sound good with my eyes closed. But could I do it and get Joel's friends to... like me? I really doubted it.

"You're being weird." Joel switched the stereo off on the drive over. The Edge. He truly had awful music taste. "Am I dragging you into something you don't want to do?"

"Na!" I smiled. Ah, that wasn't coming across as sincere. "Ugh, no seriously I'm super keen, I haven't played in ages. I just also haven't... met people in ages."

"Yeah I feel you. This job kind of fucks up your social life eh?"

"Yeah."

"They're good mates." Joel gently clasped my leg. "Call me if they're arses. I'll pop Charlie on lead and come get you."

"I'll hold you to that." I laughed.

Joel made introductions and I suddenly felt like I was 5 years old, hiding behind my mothers leg, being forced to meet the kids at school. Fuck, was I really that shy? I ran a fucking restaurant! I charmed the pants off strangers every night! But I wished I was at home, in a bath, smelling my mum's cooking. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide for the day of my life until I had to go to work again.