Knife's Edge Pt. 02

I took a really long shower. I stole Joel's flatmate's nice soap. I didn't know what to think- I was already having fake arguments with AJ: yelling at him in the middle of a restaurant and dramatically storming out- ok, bad game plan because I would feel like a dick, and I hate that kind of attention. Or maybe he would be apologising. Maybe he'd take my hand and tell me the last couple of weeks had been the worst of his life and he'd never been so unhappy... but that wasn't true. I heard him with that other guy.

But I was also with another guy. A warm, energetic fuck buddy who really wanted to fuck me. Did I tell him that? There's someone else? I mean, not exactly the kind of guy who would marry me, sure. Joel was definitely on loan from a cool, hot guy who probably taught surfing and they'd go on to make amateur porn together or something. I shuddered as the idea of seeing my body on film in the heat of sex crossed my mind briefly.

Fuck, I had to get out of the shower at some point. And it looked like I was making my way to Maranui.

We didn't have to get back together. He dumped me and moved on. I could tell him I moved on too. This wasn't a forgone conclusion.

----

"Do you need a lift?" Joel was smiling, but he was spitting out the words.

"Oh, thanks- I already called an Uber." I was making sure I didn't reek- Joel lent me a clean plain black t-shirt so that was ok. I sighed as I saw the cum stained apron in my bag.

"Oh I'll manage that with your t-shirt." Joel grabbed it off me and stuffed it in his laundry basket.

"Oh. That's really nice, thanks..."

"How far is your Uber?"

"Five minutes."

"Five minutes." He folded his arms. He closed his eyes. "You ok?" He asked.

"I don't know." I said.

"You should be happy. I thought you loved this guy." I heard the edge in his voice. As I looked at him he swallowed and slowly put on his creepy, plastic smile.

"You're right. I should be happy." I looked away from him. "I might wait outside."

"Hold on." He suddenly sounded normal as he reached out and took my hands. "Rubes...."

I think we had a moment of speaking to each other without words. He smiled, a little sad smile, and pulled me close, and I wrapped my arms around him. It was a goodbye kiss- but not a goodbye, goodbye kiss- I could taste the yearning and the possibilities. And then... out of no where...

Joel gently pushed my hair to one side. He pulled the t-shirt down a fraction and dragged his tongue across my collar bones. And then he bit me. I froze for a second. Because it felt kind of amazing and my dick was telling me I should let it go on. But my head managed to pull me back.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" I swore at him. Joel stumbled back, covering his mouth with his hands.

"I have no idea." His eyes widened. "I am so sorry..."

"You cunt!" I winced as I saw the colour developing. "Joel!"

"I know!" He closed his eyes. "Fuck, that was so stupid. I honestly don't know what came over me. Look, it'll fade in like... like two days? So just... if you end up fucking him do it with your shirt on?"

"Oh my god." I sighed as I saw the Uber pull up. "Ok. See ya later."

"Have a nice time." He sighed. "Sorry."

"Yeah, ok." I grumbled.

-----

"Darling." AJ was waiting inside for me with a table already. He stood up to greet me. I pressed my head to his chest, and squeezed my eyes shut, and tried to imagine no time had passed. He inhaled, his nose twitching as he stepped back from me, appraising me.

"Missed you." He said.

"I'll bet." I joked. "You're looking... you look great."

"You too." He smiled thinly. "Sit down."

He had been well. He said without me there was no excuse to be home so he'd been practically living at the office. He didn't mention the young guy I'd heard in his flat. Maybe that was a one off. He asked me about work and I told him things were ok. I didn't mention Joel.

"I know this place is a bit naff." AJ looked around. "I just thought you seem to know half of Wellington hospitality and at least we might have a bit of privacy."

"I kind of like this place." I shrugged.

"Really?" AJ laughed. "It's so... bad... compared to what you do!"

"Well we're a different market." I smiled.

"Guess so." AJ took a deep breath. "Hey, Rubey... I.. I really wanna..." He paused and frowned. "Oh weird." He blinked. "Our song." I cocked my head. I tune out background music. I really hate it. I like music to be in your face, the main event- not some background movie nothingness. I winced as I heard the rusty flat vocals of Eric Clapton.

"Since when was this our song?" I laughed. "God, this is total white people wedding schlock...."

"Well, most people like white people schlock." AJ said stiffly. "And I'd love to play it at our wedding." He looked at me squarely in the eyes and I swallowed.

"Our...."

"Wedding." He smiled. "If you'll have me, of course."

"We... you broke up with me..."

"I made a mistake."

"You don't even find me attractive!"

"Now you're making stuff up." AJ sighed and took my hand. "Come back home. Marry me. Help me raise a child."

"Woah." I blinked. I mean, we'd talked about it. But I'd assumed we meant like... at least 5 years down the road. Maybe even 10.

"You'll be such an amazing father." AJ gently ran his hand over my forearm. He sighed. "I'm getting ahead of myself, darling. Let's start with you coming home."

God I wanted to go home. To be wrapped in his arms and know everything was ok. To close my eyes to the world and fall asleep in AJ's familiar world, where I knew my place.

----.---- ----

"Ok, I'm going to be happy for you, and I'm not going to say anything, and I'll even stop thinking about you naked." Joel sighed. We were both in early for work. I stopped updating my wine lists as soon as I heard his tread in the hallway, and stood up with a packet of durries as a peace offering.

He was weird at first. That overly smiley fake guy who'd come out as I was leaving his flat. I asked him to cut it out and said that I'd rather he was the raging cunt I knew he usually was when things didn't go his way. That seemed to break the ice. We sat down, I made us each a coffee with a special shot of something extra to make the conversation easier, and we started smoking. He listened to me with a clenched jaw, nodding as I explained my decision.

"So... as someone who likes you, and genuinely wants the best for you... can I say my piece?" Joel said.

"I..." I winced. "Yep."

"Ok." Joel reached for me, before thinking better of it and pausing. He lit another durry instead. "I don't know him, but I know you're scared of him." He said slowly. "I'm not sure why. I don't know what he... does to you, or has on you... I mean. I can tell you love him. But it worries me that you're so... scared of him. It makes me think things aren't right." He glanced at me. "I don't like the guy, obviously, but beyond that... it just feels like you and he are together for the wrong reasons."

"Scared of him?" I asked quietly.

"I guess that's how it comes across." Joel said quietly.

"And... what are... the wrong reasons?"

"I mean..." Joel winced. "You really wanna hear this?" I nodded. "Ok. I think he offers you stability. And financial security. And an alternative to being single, which I think you're scared of. And I think you offer him pretty good arm candy. You're the right kind of guy to marry, and raise his kids. Trust me, that guy isn't lifting a finger to help with the house and kids. You'll take care of him. And... turn a blind eye to him.... Well...." Joel sighed. "Look. He's older, yeah?"

"Yeah." I mumbled

"Well... I think the problem will be that... you know. You'll get older. And... he'll..."

"Yeah." I stopped him. Nothing I hadn't already lost sleep over. "I asked him if there was anyone else. He said there was only me."

"You believe him?" Joel's lips tightened. I stared at him.

"Well. Actually." I sighed heavily. "Not really."

"Huh?" Joel's eyes widened.

"I mean. I don't know. He used to smell like... ugh never mind." I drew myself into myself. "But I think you're right." I mumbled. "I think I can turn a blind eye to it."

"Ew." Joel snorted as he stood up. "Call me when you find your self respect."

"Wait...!"

He didn't wait. And nor would I have. I felt a weight in my chest. Shame.

To be continued...