Know Thyself

I felt safe just watching her, assuming I was not within her peripheral vision so my stares wouldn't be noticed. She sat very upright, as if proper posture had been drummed into her as being of paramount importance. She wore black slacks, but her knees never parted. Her top had cloth all the way to her neckline, and draped her body in such a way that any hint as to what hid beneath was a complete mystery. Her face seemed young, but the skin on her hands gave me the impression she had to be somewhere near forty. Of course, to me, forty is young. Occasionally she would glance out the window at the passing scenery, but most of the time she spent reading what looked like a technical manual on her Kindle.

I found her to be attractive and I was curious to learn if any of my observations were accurate regarding her personality. I had made my assumptions. I wondered if she would surprise me, or would she be exactly what I expected? It became my goal for this trip to test my instincts especially since wine alone would not hold my attention.

Our first stop was at Kenwood Vineyards. I knew their wines well, so I expected to enjoy the experience. All during the tour, presentations, and tastings, I watched the target of my attention. We only met briefly at the airport and I remembered her name was Alicia Hawkins, mostly because we shared initials.

Alicia stayed in the background of the group. She was always near her travel companions, but didn't really interact with them very often. If anyone else attempted eye contact, she shied away looking for a quick escape. When we walked from station to station of the tour, she usually held her hands together hanging down in front of her. Her brown hair matched her brown eyes, making her face almost monotone. What little makeup she had seem to be from the same brown color palette, almost as if she wanted to be camouflaged. I couldn't help but wonder what she was really like under all the defenses she embraced.

As the tour ended, we had the opportunity to buy wine and have it shipped to wherever we wanted. I had five cases of assorted red wines shipped to my home where Traci was eagerly waiting to receive them. I shipped another two cases to Caleb and Brenda's home for the holidays.

The bus driver indicated it would be about one and a half hours to our next stop, which was the Old Crocker Inn in Cloverdale that would be our home base for the following two nights. Before the bus left the parking lot, I had a visitor.

"Mr. Howe?"

"Yes, Ms. Hawkins is it?"

"That's correct, but please call me Alicia. May I sit with you?"

"Sure, please. And Alicia, I hope you'll call me Anson."

"All right, Anson. I thought I'd come join you since you've been watching me so closely all day. I thought I'd make it easier for you."

"Oh, my Lord. I apologize. I mean, I didn't want to embarrass you, or myself for that matter."

"No harm done. I've been watching you, too."

"Really! Why would a lovely woman like you want to watch me?"

"Curiosity. You're an attractive gentleman who looks very much like a domesticated male, and yet you're traveling by yourself. At first, I considered you might be gay, but you kept watching me so I eliminated that assumption. You're single, but not divorced or I don't think you'd take this trip. You bought a lot of wine, so perhaps you are a divorced wine aficionado but I would think that someone like that would just order online or obtain their selections from their local wine store. You therefore must be a widower, fairly recently I assume, and you're are here honoring your wife or partners wishes."

"I... well, you are exactly right."

"I hope I didn't upset you, Anson."

"No. But your powers of observation are very impressive."

"About some things, yes. But I'm not very good at observing emotions. So I'll ask your forgiveness in advance for anything I say or ask that seems insensitive."

"Actually, I prefer frank discussions and not hiding behind innuendo. Alicia, I find you quite refreshing."

"Good. My brother, his wife, and I are planning to dine at a very nice Mexican style restaurant tonight. Will you join us?"

"I'd be happy to."

"Good. I've intruded on your privacy enough, Anson. I need to read some more and I welcome you to watch me all you want, and we can connect again once we reach the inn."

"Thank you, Alicia."

She paused to speak to her brother to advise him I would be at dinner with them, before reclaiming her seat.

I replayed our conversation in my head. When talking to me, her eyes had a look I struggled to put in a category. It was warm, frightened and a little wild, all at the same time. She was clearly very intelligent, and very complex. I wasn't sure where this new friendship was going, but I never met anyone like her and I was determined to peel the onion that was Alicia.

Suddenly, the seat next to me had a new occupant.

"Mr. Howe."

"Please, call me Anson."

"Hi, Anson. I'm Jake, Alicia's brother."

"Pleasure to meet you, Jake. I understand we will be sharing a dinner reservation tonight."

"Yes. I look forward to it. I thought I should introduce myself now so you didn't feel like you were dining with complete strangers. Bailey, come meet Anson Howe. Anson, this is my wife, Bailey."

"Anson, it a pleasure."

"The pleasure is mine, Bailey. I love your name!"

"I get that a lot."

Bailey returned to her seat as Jake and I made some small talk for a few minutes, but I sensed something else was on his mind. I noticed Alicia was watching him very closely.

"Well, I better get back to Bailey and leave you alone for a while. I look forward to dinner."

"Me, too."

As he shook my hand, I felt him press a piece of paper in my palm. I instantly recognized it was something he didn't want Alicia to know about, so I kept it hidden. When he left, I pulled out a magazine and unfolded the note letting the magazine hide its existence.

'Mr. Howe. My sister is a wonderful woman, but unusual. She is very binary in her thinking. There are no shades of gray. Please be careful. She is not as strong as she may project. If you need help, call me immediately.'

Wow. Was he overprotective, or being prudent in raising caution? I determined I was smart enough to figure things out as they unfolded.

*****

Dinner conversation flowed easily. I could see Jake's concern in Alicia's eyes again. She talked with great enthusiasm about her career as an electrical engineer and her unique ability to design stable circuitry, but if I paid attention to Jake or Bailey, her eyes took on the wild look I couldn't place. It wasn't anger and didn't feel threatening in any way, but it seemed like she was trying to process the interaction and find meaning or sense in it.

After dinner, Jake and Bailey went back to the Inn while Alicia and I took a more scenic walk. Jake looked at me to see if I understood his note, and I gave him a nod of assurance.

We walked a few blocks while talking about our fine dinner when Alicia reached for my hand. We walked a ways holding hands, and she turned the conversation to what was on her mind.

"Anson, do you like me?"

"I find you both beautiful and intriguing, so I guess you could say that I like you."

"Will you sleep with me tonight?"

I honestly hadn't considered this would even be an option. My mind was processing at a high rate to form a response while my body was pushing for a simple affirmative response."

"Wow, Alicia. I'm flattered that you would even consider me for intimate relations."

"So, will you?"

"You are beautiful, attractive, and extremely sexy. My body wants to have you right here and now. But I've only been with one woman in my life" (yes, I lied) "and I'm not sure I'm ready to take things that far. Do you understand?"

"Yes. I suppose so."

"When I'm ready to make love, I need to be sure it's with someone I want to be with for a long time. We just met today, so I'm glad you understand."

"I'm not a tramp, Anson."

"No, I didn't think you were."

"You just seemed like the right kind of man for me, and I saw no reason to wait to make the offer."

We continued to walk hand in hand to the Inn. We said goodnight without a kiss or even a hug, but it was still a warm parting.

Some of Alicia's behavior made me believe she might be on the edge of the autism spectrum. Either that, or she was one of those super-intelligent people who struggled with social situations. I went to bed thinking I'd really like to be with her, but I was scared of making a big mistake.

*****

In the days that followed, Alicia and I stayed close during the tours, shared dinner with her brother and sister-in-law, and took after-dinner walks. Every night she would ask the same question.

"Will you sleep with me tonight?"

Every night I answered with gentle refusals, but parts of my body were putting up a substantial fight. Then, on the last night of the tour, she stopped me and stood in front of me and asked again.

"Anson, this is our last chance. Will you sleep with me tonight?"

"I would love to make love with you, Alicia."

"Good. So you decided you want me?"

"You're beautiful, we enjoy each other's company, so yes, I want to make love with you."

She kissed me for the first time. As kisses go, it was strange. I expected a gentle passion, but there was a frenzied urgency about it. She walked with me to my room, we opened the door, and she basically pushed me backwards onto the bed and resumed her assault on my mouth. Like a kid anxious to open a Christmas present, she attacked my clothes and managed to find time to remove her panties from under her skirt. Without and warmup or warning, she impaled herself on my cock and started riding me cowgirl style at a full gallop. That's when things fell apart.

"Oh, oh, oh. Anson, this feels so good!" She was breathing hard trying to keep up the pace as if she wanted to win the Kentucky Derby.

"Yes."

"Just think, we can do this every night when we're married."

"Married?" I took control and managed to get out from under her. I realized in her haste that I hadn't even used one of Traci's gifts.

"Yes, married. As soon as possible."

I stood and started pacing and Little Anson shrunk immediately.

"Where did you get that idea? I never said anything about marriage!"

The wild look in her eyes elevated to a new high.

"You said... you said you wanted... you wanted to be with me and you loved me! That means... that... marriage is... marriage is the logical... the logical assumption."

"Alicia, you misunderstood something or read something into what I said that I didn't mean."

"No! No! You said it. You said you loved me and wanted to be with me. You said it!"

I struggled to recall my words and a chill ran down my spine as they came into my memory's view.

"I said I wanted to make love, you know, have sex the way you've been asking."

"No! Love is love! You said it."

She had totally lost control. She curled up on the bed in a fetal position and just kept screaming those same words over and over. I tried to touch and comfort her and she slapped my hand away. I put my pants back on and paced while wondering what the hell I should do. After a few minutes I heard a pounding on the door and recognized Jake's voice. Their room was next to mine and I'm sure they heard the ruckus.

"Anson, what the hell happened?"

I don't think he expected an answer at that moment. He ran to the bed with Bailey close behind to help Alicia. Bailey was starting to get through to her when Jake turned his attention to me. I assumed the protective brother was about to try and beat the shit out of me, but that was not the case.

"Anson, let's go down to the bar and let Bailey take care of my sister. She's done it before and things will be okay."

We reached the elevator when he finally asked what happened, and I told him in detail that every night she asked if she could sleep with me, and tonight was no different when I agreed to make love to her. We walked in silence to the bar and both ordered something stiffer than wine.

"I tried to warn you, but I should have talked to you later to explain more about Alicia. Look, I love my sister but I know she's different. To her, everything is black and white. When she asked if you would sleep with her, she just wanted sex. She does hook-up on occasion and as a grown woman with needs, I guess that's okay. But when you told her you wanted to make love, you may have been trying to romanticize having sex, but she heard the magic word. Love to her means love."

"Damn. I never thought... I mean... I couldn't expect..."

"Don't beat yourself up. It will take a day or two, but she'll be fine. It's happened before."

"Jake, I'm sorry. I really do like her. I'm just trying to figure out how to be single again after my wife's passing, and being out of the dating scene for almost thirty years has proven to be a challenge."

"She is a beautiful and intelligent woman, but you can see the challenges she faces, as well."

"So tomorrow, I guess it would be better not to be together on the bus. We're only going back to the airport, anyway. I'll catch a shuttle bus or something so you all can ride in relative peace."

"Thanks, Anson. I was going to ask, but you read the situation perfectly. I'm just sorry I didn't talk to you more about Alicia when I had the chance."

Jake's phone rang. Bailey called to let him know Alicia was in their room and things were under control. We said our goodbye's and went our separate ways.

*****

I had to take an expensive Uber ride in the morning, but it was worth it. Just sitting in the back seat for a few hours gave me time to dwell on the past week. My experiences with Alicia and Angela convinced me of several things.

First, if a woman's name started with "A" I better be on guard. With Angela, I felt a real connection and it was a wonderful experience. Alicia was a learning experience, for sure, and I didn't want any more of those. I decided that hooking up wasn't my goal, and Traci was going to lose her bet.

I had used six condoms with Angela and I should have used another with Alicia. There was a strong possibility that I would use some in China if my plans worked out, and perhaps in France as well. I didn't think that would require the remaining thirty in the first box.

I had some time to wait at the airport for the flight to Costa Rica, the next destination on my journey. It was about nine in the morning at home, so I decided to call Traci for our weekly chat.

"Dad! I was wondering when you'd finally call. How's it going?"

"It's been interesting, Sweetie. Before I forget, you should be getting several shipments of wine on Friday and Saturday. I hope it doesn't mess up any plans, but you need to be there to sign. And, yes, you can help yourself to the contents. Just save me some, and at least one bottle of each type."

"How much wine is coming?"

"If I counted correctly, twenty-eight boxes in all."

"Twenty-eight!" Geez, Dad. You buy wine like I buy condoms."

"You had to go there, didn't you?"

"So, how many have you used?"

"Traci, a gentleman doesn't share such things."

"You have to tell me eventually. How many, Dad?"

I was sure she could feel me blushing over the phone.

"Dad?"

"Six."

"Six? Already? I should have bought two more boxes. Give me details."

"No, I'm not going into specifics."

"Come on, Dad. Spill."

"All right. I met a really nice woman in Monterey playing golf. We hit it off and she accounted for all six."

"Oh! So a little white ball wasn't the only thing you were sticking in holes."

"Traci! Don't be crude."

"Sorry, Daddy. What happened, or I guess didn't happen in wine country?"

I told her the story about Alicia in great detail. Traci was wonderfully understanding.

"Dad, don't let that bad experience slow you down. Sure, she was bat-shit crazy, but all women are not like that."

"Don't call her that, Sweetie. She certainly had some issues I didn't know how to deal with, but she was nice. Well, okay, maybe she was a little bat-shit crazy, but it was partly my fault, too."

We wrapped up the call with the usual updates about school and my plans for Costa Rica. I called Caleb, but ended up talking with Brenda for an hour instead. I was grateful how well Caleb did in choosing his wife. With all the craziness of the past week behind me, I basked in the glow of thoughts about my kids, and prepared for the next leg of my adventure.

Costa Rica

My flight to San Jose, Costa Rica, was pleasant. The gentleman next to me in first class wasn't interested in conversation, which suited me just fine. My mind couldn't shut off the drama that was Alicia, but my reflection slowly shifted to my time with Angela. If all my future encounters were as pleasant, I sensed life could be good. The way my mind works, I felt a pull to keep things going with Angela. I guess that in my forty-eight years, I gained enough wisdom to know that I was not in the correct frame of mind to think about forever with a woman I just met. Still, I really did like her. I also didn't really know much about her. I hadn't called or texted her, but I decided I would at the hotel that evening.

After landing and picking up my rental car, an Audi Q5, I drove to Monteverde to check in to the Hotel and Spa Poco A Poco. I arrived on a Thursday and would only be staying until Saturday night. I grabbed a great dinner, then back in my room I texted with Angela for several hours until my eyelids got too heavy. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her.

In the morning I took in the outstanding views. The air had the clean fresh scent of trees and flora. Breakfast consisted mostly of local fruit with a quality of flavor that surpassed any I'd ever enjoyed. A tree ripened banana or fresh heart of palm was so much better than the grocery store variety back in D.C.

After breakfast, it was time to face my greatest fear. I still wouldn't have chosen to do this, but I had promised Linda that someday I would. I have a paralyzing fear of heights, but I agreed to zipline hundreds of feet above the earth on a little wire. I reluctantly joined my tour group to accept my fate, and secretly wished I had the forethought to wear Depends, since I was sure auto-evacuation would be a probable outcome.

High up in the forests hidden in the Tilarán Mountain Range, I was second-guessing my decision to zipline through the clouds and hopefully enjoy the forests of Monteverde. All of the way to the point of my certain plunge to death, my hands shook and knees knocked. I desperately tried to calm my breathing. I reasoned with myself, I bargained with God, I confessed my sins, I questioned my sanity, and then I was strapped into what I was sure would be my chair of execution. I wanted to be brave and not go out screaming like a little girl.

My zipline seat started to move and my journey began. Once I realized I hadn't fallen to my death, I opened my eyes. In that instant, I felt secure, and without thinking began to enjoy the sites and the ride. I felt like Superman, flying through the clouds, although I'm sure Superman didn't have a death-grip on his harness like I did.

I did scream. I was hooting and hollering with delight. This was awesome! Thank you, Linda, for making me do this. Thank You, God, for letting me live. Thank you, me, for not chickening out.

I reached the end and started to entertain thoughts of going again, maybe at a different site. As minutes continued to separate me from the experience, my exhilaration faded into the past and my fears resurfaced enough to bring me to my senses. Fear was conquered for a moment. There was no use pressing my luck, because my next zip would surely be a plunge to oblivion. I returned to the resort, soaked in the hot tub, had a massage, enjoyed another dinner, and went to bed feeling victorious and greatly relieved.