La Vida Loca Ch. 03: Final

I watched her interacting with the viewers, joking and laughing, at the same time knowing that it was all acting. That she created a persona, with which not only she could earn money, but also... escape from the bleak reality. That it was only a mask underneath which Vida was unhappy, desperate and lonely. And among all of the few hundred viewers, only I knew this. It was killing me.

So I reached her... and sent her a one hundred dollar donation. I cringed doing this, again as if I was doing something immoral. There was a template to fill before sending a donation and for a moment I was tempted to put my real name there, but I decided against it. I wouldn't want Vida to know that I stalked her on the web. Let alone to think that I was giving her a handout. Therefore, I put a quickly made up, but a bit telling nickname. I wrote nothing in the message, then clicked send and waited.

After maybe a half of a minute, a robotic voice announced my donate. Vida's eyes widened in surprise when she heard that.

"Oh my goodness, thank you very much... uhm... IceViking!" I could swear that something in her expression changed, like a micro grimace, when she read my nickname. As if she asked herself if that could be me... But she quickly recomposed herself and added with a joyful tone. "Well, my dear viewers, thanks to his contribution we've reached way beyond the limit! So, IceViking, there is a double bicep for you!"

She smiled and adjusted her cam, then lifted both arms and flexed her biceps. They literally exploded in the air! Like peaks of two mountains. I was astonished by that view. She held her arms like that for a couple of seconds, then giggled a bit timidly and returned to the game.

Vida was so strong, yet so vulnerable. I realized that I first time saw Vida posing with her muscles like this. That I never asked her for this in real life. Perhaps I should, maybe she would feel more appreciated by me then? More accepted?

But at that moment I made a promise to myself. I will ask her for that someday. Because I will find her. No matter what. I will not abandon her.

***

"Hi. Uhm... I know that it's a weird question, but have you seen this girl by any chance?" I asked the clerk girl behind the counter and showed her Vida's pic on my phone. Actually - the screenshot from her stream, as I had no real photo of her.

I was... in the Seven-Eleven store, yeah, exactly in that one where I was dropping Vida every time. I was certain that she wouldn't show up at our gym anymore, so I decided to start my search in that place. And I was determined and ready for weird, suspicious glances people most likely would be giving me, just like the one that girl was giving me right now.

She was black and skinny, and quite pretty. And she definitely had to run through a few scenarios in her head, asking herself why a guy like me would be looking for a girl in that way. I could see the questions popping out in her mind. Is that some kind of creep? Crazy ex-boyfriend? Stalker? Should I say anything to him? Or just tell him to fuck off?

I waited politely as she was alternatively looking at Vida's picture and me. I tried my best to smile.

Finally, she gazed at me and said "Yeah, I know her. I mean... not knowing her exactly, but she often buys groceries here. She's rather hard to miss, as she is, you know, yoked." The girl made a gesture which was supposed to simulate someone muscular. It looked quite hilarious with her stick-thin arms.

But it was the first good info I was able to gain. It meant that Vida could really live near this Seven-Eleven. Of course, the clerk surely didn't know that, but I still had to try every possible option.

"You most likely don't know where she lives, right?" I asked and made a sad face. The girl looked at me with an expression which I interpreted as compassionate.

"Sorry, I don't follow customers. But she stops by really often, so maybe... Good luck, anyway," she said and smiled warmly.

I thanked her, even though she didn't provide me with anything useful. But at least she didn't take me as some suspicious creep. Well, it's always something, isn't it? I wandered around the store for a minute, then bought a small water and chewing gum and left.

When I was walking in the parking lot, I noticed some guy watching me attentively. I realized that I saw him earlier in the store. Well, he wasn't easy to miss, as he looked... like a freaking model! Seriously, the guy was an eleven out of ten. Tall, muscular, but with great proportions, with a face like a Latino version of young Keanu Reeves - dark hair, slightly slanted eyes with obnoxiously long eyelashes, and a jaw like a classic Chad. The first thing you would want to say was 'Hey man, please, leave some women for the rest of us.'

For a moment, we had an odd stare-down contest, when he suddenly spoke. He had a deep, baritone voice. Of course, he had. "¿Qué más, parcero? I heard that you're looking for a girl," he said, smiling, but there was nothing friendly in his expression. His eyes bore into my face.

I froze a bit, not knowing if I should tell him, but hell, I really had to use every opportunity if I wanted to find Vida. So, I took out my phone and showed him the picture. "Yes, I'm looking for her. Do you know her?"

The guy barely glanced at the screen, and it proved to me that he knew Vida. He gave me a hard stare. "Maybe. What do you want from her?"

"I just want to talk with her..." I started, but the man interrupted me harshly.

"This photo... Did you stalk her on the internet? Leave her alone, dude.¡Ábrase huevón!" He said with a hostile tone and I flinched, surprised. I didn't understand what he added in Spanish, but surely, it wasn't anything nice.

For a short moment we were staring at each other, then he cussed in Spanish and started to walk off. Fuck! That guy must have known Vida pretty well! I was aware that he may get even more confrontational, but I had to try. In the worst case I would have the first brawl since high school.

"Hey, can you at least tell her that I want to talk with her? My name is Gunnar!" I called out.

The man stopped and turned around. His expression was much different, evidently surprised. He came back to me. "Gunnar? You're... the Viking, man?"

"Yeah, I mean, Vida was calling me that," I answered, as surprised as he was.

"What happened to you guys?" He asked, but then he must have seen my confused face and stuck out his hand. "Damn, I'm sorry, man, I'm Adriano, Vida's cousin."

"Oh, yes, she told me about you. Nice to meet you," I said.

"Nice to meet you too. Sorry, when I saw the photo from her Twitch, I thought that you were another crazy-ass stalker. Vida had a problem with one dude who was harassing her." Adriano apologized and it looked honest. Then he asked again "So, what happened? Vida told me a lot about you, and she seemed so happy. Did you guys argue?"

"Well, no. Kind of. It's really complicated," I started and hesitated, as I had some doubts if I should trust him. After all, just a minute ago he looked as if he would have wanted to beat my ass, but apparently Vida was confiding to him about us. I knew that they were really close and if not him who the hell could tell me where I could find Vida? Therefore, I decided to tell Adriano about our 'break up' on that beach or whatever I should call this. And just generally - our story in a nutshell.

When I finished, Adriano shook his head with a thoughtful expression. "That sucks, man. Sorry to hear that. But yeah, Vida was always convinced that she would get ill like aunt Maria."

"But was she even diagnosed?"

"Not that I know of. But you see, Vida doesn't tell me everything. I have no idea if she went to any psychiatrist. She was always very secretive, not only toward you. Stubbornly keeping things to herself, you know," Adriano answered.

"Please, tell me where I can find her," I asked him firmly.

Adriano looked at me intensely, evidently considering if he should help me, de facto the stranger or work against the will of his cousin. Finally, he nodded slightly and said, "Okay, I'll tell you. But be careful, man, she is like my little sister. You'd better not hurt her..."

"No! I want to help her! I love her!" I blurted out, before I could even think. But there you go. I said it out loud for the first time, and realized that indeed, I felt that way.

Adriano looked at me seriously and nodded slowly. Then he showed me their address on Google Maps.

I drove there straight away.

I was really lucky that I came across Adriano. Always far from being superstitious, but I felt that picky bitch Fortuna finally smiled upon me, for once.

***

I was standing on the porch of a small, but quite nice house, with a well-maintained yard in front. According to what Adriano told me, that house was his parents' originally and Vida and her mother moved in, after the illness became much more intense.

My heart started to pound rapidly, when I knocked at the door. I was stressed for two reasons, mostly. First because I would see Vida and that was causing agitation. However, I didn't know how she would react to me and if she wanted to hear me out. But the die was cast, and I was determined and focused. Backing out was the last thing I could think of.

After a while, I heard energetic footsteps and the door opened. I was greeted by a quite tall woman, with flawlessly straight posture. Her other features were flawless as well, despite being about fifty at a glance, she looked like Sofia Vergara. Beautiful in a noble and imposing way, resembling a Spanish marchioness. I guessed that she must be Rita - well, seeing how good-looking Adriano was and of course how beautiful Vida was, that appearance must have been one of the family's wealth.

The woman looked at me with kind indifference.

"Hello. I'm looking for Vida. Is she home?" I asked politely.

If Rita was surprised by my question, she hid that perfectly. She smiled, showing white teeth and answered. "Yes, I'll call her." Then she turned around and I could hear her strong voice calling something in Spanish.

Damn, I should start to learn that language. I feel as if I'm missing out on all the important things.

Perhaps thirty seconds passed, I heard footsteps on the stairs and right after Vida appeared in the door. She looked absolutely shocked to see me.

"Gunnar? How... how did you find me?" she asked with a trembling voice. She fluttered her eyelids, and glanced around disoriented, almost as if she was looking for a hidden camera.

"I have my methods, Vida," I said almost casually, barely registering that I said the exact words Vida once said to me.

I took a look at her. She was wearing a simple white t-shirt and gray sweatpants. No makeup at all, her eyes were swollen and red, as if she had an allergy... or was crying a lot recently. To be honest, she looked miserable. My chest tightened again, but I still found her beautiful, no matter how she looked.

A faint, smile-like grimace went across her face, but immediately was replaced by sad determination. "What are you doing,lindo? You know... that we can't... " She started and cut short, crossing arms on her chest. With the size of her muscles it could look intimidating, but for me that gesture showed her helplessness. Her vulnerability. I felt that she tried to separate herself from me that way. To show me that she would be resolutely standing behind her words from the beach, but it all seemed to begin crumbling when she saw me.

"Relax. A talk won't harm." I was doing my best to sound calm and soothing. Hopefully it was time for my stable energy to take over.

"But about what, Gunnar? You know that it is impossible, that we never could..." Vida's voice cracked and she went silent.

"Just hear me out, Vida, okay? Can we talk somewhere else? I don't know, in your room," I said, but then thought that she could have felt cornered there, so I added hastily "Or we can take a walk to a park or so. Whatever you prefer."

Vida was looking at me, seeming to be crestfallen and lost. Her internal struggle was more than obvious. I knew that all the reasons for our split up were very serious for her. She felt that it was the right thing to do, to not subject me to further hurt. That it was the only way. But at the same time, I felt... no, I knew that she didn't want to be left alone with all that burden. To be forgotten by me, even if she asked for that.

Finally, Vida sighed deeply and unwittingly started to massage her temples. "I don't see any sense in that, Gunnar, but fine. I'll just put some clothes on, let my aunt know, and we can go."

"Great," I answered and waited as she went back inside.

After a few minutes, Vida came back, wearing jeans shorts and a violet sleeveless blouse. I noticed that she put some eyeliner around her eyes. She wanted to hide her tumid eyes... Or maybe she wanted to look better for me? This small detail gave me a weirdly pleasant feeling. Did it mean she still cared?

Without exchanging a word we went on the sidewalk and Vida led me to a small playground, a few streets away from her house. There was a little stone table with the chessboard on it - we sat in front of each other, almost as if we were about to have a chess match. Well, our conversation was supposed to be a clash, but a different kind of confrontation. Rather a game of persuasion.

She gave me an inquiring look, so I said "I'll get straight to the point, Vida. I wanted to ask if you were ever diagnosed?"

Vida's nostrils flared and she snorted with anger. "What?! You think it's a make believe?? Or I imagine it, like some hypochondriac? Or..."

I put my hand on top of hers and said "Hey, hey, hey, Vida, it's not that at all. I know that you have every right to think that, given your mom's medical history." I didn't take my hand away, and Vida didn't try to free hers. She gasped, but went silent and just stared at our palms. I asked her quietly "So, you weren't, right?"

Vida looked at me and turned her gaze away "It doesn't change anything, Gunnar. I have symptoms. And they intensified recently."

I squeezed her palm softly to make her look at me. I didn't want her to feel accused of exaggerating. Vida really had a lot on her mind, not only recently, but during her entire life. No doubt, I would probably think the same way in her place. Given her story, suspecting a beginning of mental illness seemed as a justified, uncontrived conclusion. However, the fact that she wasn't diagnosed yet, was paradoxically good info. It gave me some hope.

"I understand. Please don't see that as if I'm trying to diminish or undermine anything. It's just... Ever since we had that conversation on the beach I have been reading about schizophrenia a lot." She gave me a dubious look, so I smiled wryly. "I know how it sounds, Doctor Google and so on. But I dug really deep into PubMed and read a lot of professional, scientific articles. One thing that wouldn't let me rest was these migraines you suffer from. This is not a common symptom of schizophrenia, you know that, right?"

"So what? They don't need to be connected. Knowing my shitty luck, I have both schizophrenia and migraines. Just as a bonus because my life isn't fucked up enough," she answered bitterly.

"But what if they are connected? What if that is something else? I know that schizophrenia is hereditary, but there is a fourteen percent probability that a child will inherit that illness, if one parent suffers from it. It's much bigger when both parents had it. Do you know if your father had some mental issues?"

"Other than being a complete selfish, sociopathic asshole who can abandon and forget his own child?" Vida laughed joylessly. "No, he had not, Gunnar. I checked that. I also read about schizophrenia a lot, sorry to say that, but surely much more than you. I know about these statistics, it's not new information for me. Fine, I agree, migraines can be caused by something different. But how will you explain other symptoms? Mood changes, emotional instability? Alternate states of high agitation and lack of energy? Panic attacks? Did you find answers for these on PubMed?" She asked me, her tone bitter. I knew that Vida felt insulted simply by the fact that I was talking about schizophrenia like I knew a damn thing about it. I understood, but I didn't let it stop me.

"I don't know, Vida. Maybe depression? Stress? Anxiety disorder? I have no idea, but..." I wanted to say, but Vida cut me off.

"See? You have no idea what you are talking about! You're not a doctor, Gunnar!" she exclaimed with annoyance and tried to pull her hand away, but I didn't let her.

"Neither are you! That's why you should get diagnosed! To check if, by any chance, it isn't something else. I know that you don't want to hear the prospective confirmation, that it's better to be in a limbo. I know that you're afraid, Vida! Who wouldn't be? I would be scared as fuck, I'm sure! But I wanted to tell you that I'll be there for you! I will go with you to every possible doctor! You don't have to be alone with that!" I said firmly, and she blinked, surprised by the intensity of my statement.

"Why are you doing this, Gunnar? You shouldn't waste your time on me..." Vida dropped her head and sighed. She remained like that while I continued.

"It's not about me, but wasting your life. I won't let that happen. I just can't. And I'm doing that because you need someone to help you through this. Because you deserve better. Listen, Vida, you're the strongest person I've ever met. And I'm not talking about the fact that you can bench press more than I weigh," I threw in that joke to ease the tension a bit and to my delight Vida snorted softly, although with teary eyes. I entwined my fingers with hers. "But seriously, to go through what you had gone through? Almost without any help? I know that you think otherwise, but you're so strong mentally, Vida! You're heroic! But you don't need to carry that burden alone anymore, understand? Let me take some of that pressure off you!"

Hearing my words, Vida seemed almost dazed. She went silent for a longer while. Finally, she said quietly "That's... that's very kind of you, Gunnar. But I don't want you to get so involved in my problems... in me in general. It will really hurt you when it gets confirmed. Please, you must realize that at this point!"

"IF it gets confirmed, Vida. And if that happens, then we can go back to that conversation, if you wish. Don't worry about me, I'll manage, no matter what. It's time for you to take care of yourself. Just know that I'll be there with you as long as you need me," I said with a calm voice and continued in a matter-of-fact manner because I believed that only that way of dealing with it was proper - facts over emotions. "And if you get schizophrenia confirmed, it doesn't mean that you have to have such a severe case like your mom. Maybe it will be possible to keep it under control with treatment and therapy. And if it is something else, then together we'll figure out the appropriate approach."

Vida again fell silent. She looked at our entwined palms and I could see that she was thinking intensely. After a while, our eyes met and evidently, she was touched. I tried to smile assuredly at her.

"Okay, Gunnar. I will go see a doctor, if... if you'll accompany me," she said cautiously.

"Of course, I will," I answered, trying to hide my relief. I was so glad that she agreed! "I did some research about psychiatrists in Miami and found one guy with really good reviews. His name is Bernstein."

"I know him, indeed he is the best. But he charges a lot for a visit, I can't afford it now..."

"Let me take care of it, Vida."

"Ni hablar! Gunnar, it's really too much... I can't leech on you, it's out of discussion," she protested, frowning.