Life Decisions- Laura's Route 01

"Oh god, that's right I remember now. You ran in to us almost crying you were that scared!" she grinned.

"All I was trying to do was get the sun on my face outside and have a quiet smoke whilst you and dad went into chose some posh wine." Laura grinned and someone wanted to chat me up in French. I shrugged my shoulders and did my best 'parlez vous anglaise' and 'Je ne sais pas' shrugging my shoulders in the Oscar award winning acting, I think my drama teacher Mrs Stevenson would have been proud off and then I ran away!" she grinned. "Don't think I could or have run as far as I did in those two days since..." She loudly gulped for air.

Trisha laughed and nodded as her own thoughts tumbled across her face "It's nice that we can still share those memories isn't it. I must admit didn't know or I think I may had forgotten that you actually started smoking these disgusting things at fourteen!" Trisha sniffed dismissively again looking at her own cigarette burning between her fingers as Laura watched on, she finally placed the cigarette between her lips and pulled on it. She exhaled and as the smoke drifted away from her face, she looked at Laura again. "I can remember your dad and me discussing your smoking and working out that behind our backs that you had already got rather addicted to these awful smelling things and then us thinking that actually you would be getting all stroppy with us would probably just make you rebel and smoke more!" Trisha stated and smiled at Laura and pulled hard on the cigarette.

Laura nodded and sighed, "I think you are probably right, as even now I do get very stroppy without a cigarette..."

"You would never tell..." Trisha teased in a motherly way.

"But mum thinking about it, I am just scared that I have actually been smoking for almost half my life! It literally feels like only yesterday I sneaked my first cigarette with Karen at school in the back lane trying to be as cool as all the sixth formers."

Trisha tutted "Law, well that was very naughty of you, with large consequences, but even us not interfering has bitten us both, and made you smoke too much!

Laura fiddled and adjusted her ponytail as a distraction. "Yeah, but I know, but mum, I still do actually enjoy them, and I do regret it. I really couldn't and wouldn't go without."

Trisha looked on dubiously. "I am so grateful that you got that job at the Coop when you did, you were literally burning through your pocket money!" Trisha tutted and took a gulp of wine.

"Oh my god I still wake up with the nightmare of the till beep sometimes, but it was such an easy source of ciggies at the end of the shift!" she grinned and took a gulp of her own wine.

Trisha tutted as the memories and swirled her wine glass and took another big gulp. "Oh, actually that reminds me as you mentioned burning your legs a minute ago." She mused and then took another larger gulp of wine, "During you're A Levels, or was it your GCSE's that you, Karen and, what's her name? Oh, Zoe that was it, all outside revising for your exams, because like now I refused to let you all smoke in the house. Lucky for all of you it wasn't raining, anyway after they left and you had stayed outside for a little bit more revision, and I assume another cigarette or two and then fell asleep on your front and burnt the back of your legs in the sun!" She tutted and grinned.

"Oh, fuck mum, yes I remember!" Laura sat back int the chair at the thought "My A level geography exam the next day was so painful; my pink burnt legs were stinging on the plastic chair the whole way."

"Well, they do say smoking is dangerous, and as you say, you've now been smoking half your life" she shook her head. "Oh, talking of sun do you remember that holiday you went on with the girls when you were at uni, you got that last minute deal to Majorca?"

Laura looked back quizzically and nervously as to where the conversation was going "Yeah?"

Trisha picked up her glass and took a sip "You and the girls filled your suitcases with cartons of cigarettes, you gave your dad and I like a tiny shot glass from the airport as that was all you could fit in!"

Laura laughed "Oh, God yeah, they were so cheap, it was rude not too. I think I sold a couple of packs to the guys at uni when I got back and made some of my money back." She grinned.

Trisha nodded "I was absolutely disgusted at the time, all those cigarettes what it was doing to you and your lungs, your bag was like a rolling tobacconist."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and took a gulp of wine. "Sorry about that." She looked guilty as she fiddled with the pack in front of them.

"Law, have you actually been smoking all this time?"

Laura's face lit up as she grinned at a positive thought bounced in her head "Not quite mum, do you remember when I was back after Uni. when Karen got with that Swedish workout nut, she met out one night, Björn or Sven, yes Sven, that's right, it took me ages to realise he wasn't called seven, he forced her to quit smoking. He forced her to actually do exercise with him, and as such she then persuaded or actually forced me to quit in solidarity, I think I lasted about three months!" She grinned and took a gulp of wine.

Trisha raised an eyebrow, "What the relationship or you actually quitting? It was so long ago I can't remember!"

Laura laughed and smiled as she thought about it. "The relationship lasted about the four months, us not smoking lasted for about three months and one day!" Laura grinned and then ran her tongue along her lips and picked up wine took a large gulp and then sighed. "We headed to the pub and lit up no sooner than we had got our drinks!"

Trisha tutted again and looked at Laura with a mother 'it's not good is it' look, "Go on, roughly how many have you smoked?" She looked on and pulled a cigarette for herself from the pack placing it between her lips.

Laura screwed up her face, her young skin wrinkling deep she thought. "I know, if you think I smoke about twenty a day, give or take, definitely for the last ten years since uni, it's..." she gulped for air as her brain tried to do the maths.

"Go on..." Trisha probed.

"Oh mum, shit."

"What?"

"Mum, it's scary..."

"Yeah, and?"

Laura used her fingers once again checking her maths before shaking her head. She checked again with her fingers, before looking very solemn. "It's something like seventy-three thousand cigarettes I've smoked now." She bit her bottom lip and chuckled.

"What?" Trisha coughed in shock, and disbelief. "I agree that's scary thought!"

"Does something like seven thousand a year, sounds better?"

Trisha shook her head, "No, I am not sure it does sweetie."

"Okay, how about the small amount of only twenty or so a day, really when put in persepc...oh I can't say it, I've drunk too much. Pers..pect...ive." She sounded each of the syllables out. "Is not that many?" She tried to sound confident before taking a gulp of her wine.

"Really?" Trisha queried.

"Well, ok, I know, the problem could be more, some days, I know I definitely smoke a lot more than twenty."

"Christ Laura, that is seriously not good for you?"

"Don't you worry about all the crap in your lungs?"

Laura rolled her eyes, "Yes, I can feel it. I know all that, but I like them mum..." she smiled.

Trisha nodded, "I know you do sweetie."

Laura weakly smiled back. "I really like to smoke. I love to smoke...I like my cigarettes too much."

"But the damage sweetie?"

"Shush mum!" Laura almost snapped.

Trisha nodded smiled back as the unlit cigarette bounced between her lips. "I will tell you something too, I think I like them too. I better light this one!" She giggled. "As should you!" She laughed for the first time in a while.

Laura chuckled as she reached across and pulled a cigarette out the pack "That's hilarious, years of badgering me not to smoke, now you are ordering me!" she laughed again and stifled a cough as she held the cigarette in her hand before placing the filter between her lips.

"But Law you are staring at me like you think I am an alien. Or about to attack you, you are watching my every move!"

"But you actually with a cigarette between your lips is very much alien to me mum, even after what two weeks after your first."

Trisha slowly ran her thumb across her lips and picked up the wine and took another gulp, "I am finding lots of this nice red wine and your cigarettes tonight are certainly not alien to each other." Trisha stated as she placed the glass down and picked up the lighter, as she flicked her pink Bic twice to get a flame and finally inhaled it as the tip crackled as it caught alight in the silence between them. "As you say it makes you feel better." Trisha finally said after exhaling.

"I can promise you, the morning one with coffee is equally nice!" Laura grinned.

Trisha nodded "I think I am drunk; I will look forward to that one in the morning..."

"Yes mum, we are both rather drunk mum. But I'm having fun!" Laura giggled happily swirling her wine before taking a large gulp.

"Yes, I am," her head wobbled slight as she grinned happily, "and...so were you the other night, when you fell in the through the front door." Trisha stated and manicured her cigarette in the glass in front of them.

Laura guiltily shrugged her shoulders and gulped some more wine. "Sorry, yes, that was my heels, somehow they got stuck on the door frame!"

Trisha waved her hand dismissing it, "It happens. But at this very moment it feels good though, we have to live for these moments darling we really do, I have had a great Saturday night with you, Cheers" Trisha said with a smile and picked up her wine and their glasses touched an then they both gulp some with an "ahhh."

"I Love you mum" Laura smiled kindly back at her mum and watched as she inhaled deeply on the cigarette before forcing her exhale.

"So, do I and actually darling, as I love you so much, I was thinking of helping you with something going forward." She stated with rest of her exhale.

Laura almost tipsily knocked the two thirds empty bottle over; she grabbed it as it wobbled as she tried to pick it up to top the glasses up "Pardon Mum?"

"I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks, as you and Adam are so strong, and my god have I've heard you desperately trying to be quiet at night with that silly old creaking bed...and clearly failing. So maybe it's finally time for your own place?"

Laura looked at her mum and her face dropped and then she grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Oh wow, thank you mum I love you so much!" She stood up and paused as she wobbled slightly before she unsteadily leaned in for a hug over the table. Catching the bottle of wine before it fell over for a second time as they released their arms.

Chapter 4 Sunday Morning

Laura sat slumped on the edge of the bed where she had shuffled to with the great deal with a lack of enthusiasm. She had then groaned, yawned, gently coughed, and shivered. Then stretched her arms up towards the bright white ceiling. She sat there contemplating her next move. With need to move from the spot she then tutted as she fiddled with the knot of her dressing gown again as she opened it wide and then closed it securely around her body. Shivering at the blast of cold air that swirled around her naked body. She then doubled checked that her phone and new pack and lighter was in the oversized pocket at the front as she bounced twice on the bed and regretted using that method to get up. She held her stomach as it gurgled and churned. Then with a lethargic almost wheezing deep breath, she slowly moved out on to the hallway. With each step she shook her head and grimaced. With her brain was thumping he could hear her mum clanking and crashing pots and pans in the kitchen.

She sniffed the air, smiled, and licked her lips and nodded happily as after visiting the bathroom and sorting her churned stomach and pressing bladder out. She straightened and tightened her dressing gown once again and then slowly and delicately followed her nose down the stairs. Laura lent her head against the kitchen door frame "Ugh morning mum."

"Morning sweetie." Trisha beamed standing in front of the hob, busily cooking.

"How are you feeling mum?" She attempted to smile as she lifted her head off the door frame, but her neck felt weak as she investigated the kitchen with her eyes as she re-leant her head against the frame again for support.

"I am good, Law, if a little tired but as you know I can't sleep at the moment, which is disappointing even after a bottle of wine or two." She shrugged her shoulders, "How are you feeling this morning?" Trisha attempted to smile brightly.

Laura lifted her head again sniffed the air again, "Like shite, that third bottle really wasn't a good idea, but..." she sniffed again and smiled "...the sausages smell divine!" She grinned as she shuffled into the kitchen and looked at the darkening sausages sizzling in the frying pan, and she then shuffled over picked up the kettle and checked there was water in it before flicking it on.

"Yes, proper Sunday hungover morning food! But I've good cooked too much again; I have got to remember there is now only two of us..." The sentence drifted off as she turned and opened her arms up for a hug.

"No problem, I am starving, and this will help with the headache, as does a mummy hug" Laura smiled as she left the door frame and shuffled across the kitchen and leaned in for the bear hug.

Trisha smiled over her shoulders, "You are never not hungry, but it will certainly help!" and they hugged each other, as they released Trisha stated "Oh, we or I will need to go shopping this morning." As she returned her focus to the pan and rotated the sizzling sausages and flipped over the bacon, as Laura focused on getting her coffee made once the kettle had boiled.

Laura picked up her coffee, and with her spare hand patted her dressing gown. "Oh ok, tell me what in a bit. First, I do need to pop outside for a second, back in a minute." She smiled and shuffled towards the door holding her coffee securely in her hands.

Trisha sighed with an exaggerated manner loudly in front of the oven and her shoulders sank just before Laura looked back. Trisha dismissively shook her head smiled and Laura shrugged her shoulders continued out the back door carrying her coffee and the back door flung open she got herself settled down on the white plastic garden chair conveniently for Laura positioned next to the weathered green ashtray on the windowsill.

She placed the mug on the floor and crossed her legs over and then straightened her dressing gown over her knee again for a modicum of warmth and then extracted her pack from her pocket and found the lighter before placing her morning cigarette between her lips as she dropped the pack back in her dressing gown.

Within seconds she sighing as she was exhaling a blue cloud of smoke up towards the grey sky. She rubbed the back of her hand against her nose as she glanced over watched a couple of birds fighting each other for their morning worms amongst the long grass. In the last few weeks, the had grown unruly, the uncut lawn with no one thinking about cutting it. As the filter came back to her mouth, she then flicked opened her phone screen as her cheeks collapsed as she took another deep drag. As she exhaled, she glanced at Facebook she heard a cough behind her back and turned to see Trisha standing there with her arms folded across under her chest.

"Oh, sorry mum, you know I won't be too long." She smiled as she trimmed the edge of her cigarette on the green ashtray and took another urgent drag.

Trisha raised an eyebrow as the smoke twisted above her daughter's head. "Law darling, its only that I am a little surprized following the fun last night that you didn't offer me one this morning." She asked as watched Laura exhale.

"Oh, shit, what, sorry mum, please blame the wine hangover, sorry, I didn't even think. I was on a nicotine deprived driven autopilot of wake-up, smoke, pee, then eat. Surely you do not want a ciggy without the wine?" Laura asked and placed her cigarette between her lips again to get another morning hit as she her tired makeup free face creased deeply as she looked confused at her mum.

"Maybe I would have done? You did say something about the enjoyment of coffee and cigarettes?"

Laura smiled "Ok, that's easy." She offered the pack to Trisha.

Trisha chuckled and shook her head "Law thank you, but maybe I will after we have had breakfast, as the food is nearly ready."

Laura sighed of relief. "Okay Mum, I will be in shortly!" and she bit her bottom lip for flash of contemplation before replacing the filter and deeply dragging on her cigarette and as she exhaled through her nose, she studied the staining on the filter between her fingers and took one final deep drag before stubbing the cigarette out beside mounting pile of a collection of rain-soaked butts in the ashtray as her smoke was forcibly streaming out her nose.

***

Laura breathed in and squeezed the buttonhole of her black jeans over the small pink bow at the centre front on her black cotton knickers and as she breathed out, her stomach stretched against the creaking button. She dropped her dark blue baggy t-shirt back down again and slowly headed down the stairs adjusting her hair back into a ponytail as she went.

"Mum, thanks again mum for breakfast, I am absolutely stuffed!" she grinned and rubbed her belly triumphantly.

Trisha smiled warmly "I am so going to have to watch the portion control; I am so used to cooking for three, maybe Adam should come over more often..." Trisha twisted her mouth unconvincingly. "But I do agree the sausages and all the fatty bacon was nice for the hangover, and my head is feeling better already."

"More importantly how are your lungs feeling?" Laura grinned as she picked up her pack.

Trisha chuckled "It's okay Law, you can go on outside again, I am alright for the moment, it's too soon even for me, I am still enjoying the buzz from the one we had immediately after breakfast."

"Are you sure?"

Trisha nodded "Yes, Law I am! If we can avoid it, however much we will want to, we both really can't make it a bad habit, even worse by smoking inside the house!"

Laura nodded, "Suit yourself, it will be cold out there!" Laura smiled as she flipped open her pack, placing the cigarette between her lips as she headed for the door, she reached the door and turned back "Oh mum is it okay if I go out with Ad in a bit?" Laura asked and placed the cigarette between her lips.

"Of course, are you both coming back for dinner?"

Laura shrugged her shoulders "I don't know mum, probably I will have my ciggy and then ask him."

Chapter 5 Grouchy

Laura sighed tiredly as she forcefully sat down on the park bench dropping her shopping bags on the floor and without saying anything rhythmically and instinctively started her routine as she opened her black pleather handbag and pulled out her Marlboro lights pack and sheltering her hands from the breeze swiftly lit her cigarette. As she exhaled, she only then looked across at the concerned face on Adam.

"Hey darling what's a matter?" she asked and affectionately patted and squeezed his knee with her cigarette hand dropping a little ash on his jeans.

"Nothing much, I guess." He stated as he brushed the ash off his leg.

"Something is bugging you?" She asked before taking another lungful of smoke and affectionately squeezing his now ash free leg as she did.

"I don't know it's been like the first time in days that I have properly seen you."

She looked at him and smiled "Ad, please remember I buried my dad the other day, and we had sex that night, as you were with me now, and it's been stressful, mum and I have had to sort shite out." She flicked her cigarette away from them and quietly took another drag.