All Comments on 'Life in a Small New Hampshire Town Pt. 08'

Excellent story - well paced and natural. Thank you for a most enjoyable chapter

Great reading

I've been enjoying your story from the beginning. Great work. I look forward to the next installment.

This reads really clunky, like it’s an octagon pretending to be a wheel.

There’s a lot of “telling” the reader descriptions, and almost play by plays of action. Let the reader’s imagination fill in the gaps. Don’t start so many sentences with “I [verb]…”

For example rather than writing “Missionary seemed the logical choice since she was already lying on her back. I positioned myself above her after donning the requisite condom, spread her hair and lips, then eased myself into her warm and wet vagina. I stopped to savor that divine and excruciatingly wonderful sensation that entering your lover enkindles once I was fully in. I lifted my hips up until I was nearly fully out after relishing the feelings for a few seconds, before sliding back in. Our pace picked up over the next few minutes, with Alicia thrusting up to meet my downward strokes. I was quickly approaching my point of no return when Alicia's orgasm triggered my own.”

Try “Alicia smiled sweetly up at me as I positioned myself above her. Returning her tender gaze, I spread her hair and lips, gently easing into her warm and wet vagina before pausing to savor that excruciatingly divine sensation that filling your lover enkindles. I lifted my hips up until I was nearly out, waiting for her inpatient squirm with a grin before sliding back in. Our pace picked up over the next few minutes, with Alicia thrusting up to meet my downward strokes. My fingers gripped her skin tighter with each thrust, my point of no return approaching, when Alicia's orgasm triggered my own.”

See the difference? It flows better.

Same feedback about cleaning up to be less clunky. We don’t need play by plays of every step. Here’s another rewrite example.

“woke up first, not surprisingly, since I had worked on a farm when younger. Old habits are hard to break. I grabbed my bathrobe, went downstairs, used the bathroom, made coffee, and prepped the ingredients to make an omelet. I poured myself a cup of coffee since I didn't know when she might get up, and sat down to enjoy it when I heard the toilet upstairs flush a half an hour or so later, and Alicia came down, only wearing her tee shirt.”

Try instead something like, “Waking up first, I tried to move silently. It had been years since I once worked on a farm, but old habits are hard to break. Grabbing my bathrobe and stepping to avoid the creaky spot in the floor, I prepped ingredients for omelettes while the coffee brewed. A half an hour or so later, Alicia came down to join me, wearing only her tee shirt, her hair still tousled from the night before.” (Nobody needs to read the bathroom filler steps, and it’s extra superfluous to mention it for BOTH of them lol.)

I am thoroughly enjoying this series. I disagree with the Anonymous who doesn't like your writing style and the pacing of the story it greats. I think it is great to contrast the adrenalin loaded moment with the slower, more comfortable.

You write to create a feeling. I'm here to say you have achieved that feeling.

THANK YOU

Anon 10 hours ago.

I think you should privately contact the author.

Your insights would be valuable and really help him in self-editing BEFORE publication.

He seems like he is open to positive criticism like yours and would be receptive to your privately approaching him.

THC

Hey Anonymous with the two long comments, please contact me directly. I appreciate constructive comments and would like to discuss your ideas with you.

Guy

This story is still going strong! I lived in Manchester from ages 8 to 12 and remember swimming in the summer. After swimming for 30 minutes, we'd get out of pool almost "blue" from the cold water.

5

We are Northern NH folks as well. Great story telling!

As always, these are such enjoyable chapters, with wonderful descriptions, characters, dialogue, and flow. Looking forward to the next one!

Snore, snore, snore

Anonymous seems to be wanting to rewrite the story to his style, sometimes using terms that aren't normal in conversation.

He doesn't critique the editing per se, he just doesn't like the way you write.

Keep writing like a Northern New Englander does.

lovely series, Thanks!

Really well written. I couldn't to see what happened next. Hope you finish the story.

This is a fantastic series. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I’m happy you intend to continue it.

I keep checking to see if a new part has come out. Love this story especially where I am a New Englander as well. Really hope there will be more.to this story.

Great series, and waiting on part 9. :)