Like that Episode of Seinfeld

"Why do you feel terrible?"

"You put up with a lot from us, and from the road. I'd never met you before, I barely said two words to you all day, and I never even said thank you for driving me across an entire continent. I was a shithead yesterday, and I want to apologize and start over. I'm Sonia Edwards."

I offered my hand. "Alan Stafford. And don't mention it. Today can't be any worse, right?"

"Don't jinx it." She smiled and shook my hand in bed. "You must think Katie and I are insane for living together."

"The thought had crossed my mind."

"It'll be okay. It's our supervisors that hate each other. They've been enemies since before any of us were born. Students in their labs are rivals by proxy, but Katie's okay. She's a bit uptight, and we have nothing in common, but I don't have any reason not to like her."

"I don't really know her much more than I know you," I admitted. "Her brother and I are best friends, but Katie hasn't been in my life regularly since I was in high school. She was just a kid then."

Sonia nodded. "Today's going to be a better day. I promise. I was so hung over yesterday after overdoing it at Christmas. It didn't help matters."

I saw an opening to ask the question I'd been wondering. "Your family does Christmas, then? Where are you from?"

"Windsor."

I must have looked as foot-in-mouth as I felt, because Sonia let me off the hook. "I know what you meant, I was just messing with you. Everyone always wants to know my ethnicity. Any guesses?"

"I'd guess Greek or Italian maybe, except that doesn't match your last name..."

"Nope."

"Indian?"

"Way off. My Dad is from Antigua and my Mom is Chilean. Technically my name is Sonia Edwards Velasquez."

"I'd never have guessed."

"I've got relatives from black to white to every shade in between. I'm darker than my Mom but lighter than my Dad and older sister. My black relatives think I'm a white girl, and my white relatives think I'm black."

"I can believe that."

"What about you, what's your story?" Sonia asked. "How did it turn out that you're driving us to Texas? Katie didn't even bother to tell me it wasn't going to be her Dad driving us until yesterday morning."

"Well, Katie's brother Geoff and I have been best friends since high school. I really don't know Katie that well since there's five years between us, and I don't think I'd seen her in person since he went off to grad school. I hadn't really ever heard she was done with her undergrad and was in grad school herself, though Geoff must have mentioned it at some point."

"Makes sense, I don't keep track of my friends' siblings or sister's friends, either. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assistant foreman for an auto parts plant. I have a mechanical engineering degree, and my job is half AutoCAD and half dealing with the union. But I like it a lot. It's not a bad job for someone who's still only 28."

"And I noticed you're not wearing a ring, but do you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm single. My girlfriend Maddy broke up with me in September."

"That sucks," Sonia said sympathetically. "Did she tell you why?"

"She said that it just wasn't working out for her. I never really knew what I did wrong, and it was totally out of left field for me. I haven't really been looking for a new partner yet, though I feel like I'd be ready to start dating again soon. How about you?"

"Single and not looking." Sonia didn't elaborate, and just then Katie stirred in the other bed, fumbling for her glasses.

"Morning. What time is it?"

Sonia checked. "6:45 AM."

"Ugh." Once her glasses were on, Katie registered that Sonia and I were in the same bed, but made no reaction. "Before today starts, I owe both of you an apology and a thank you for yesterday."

"That's funny, because I was just apologizing to Alan here for being such a bitch," Sonia piped up.

"You were a bitch, but I was, too." Katie sat up in bed, looking at us as she leaned back against the headboard. "I'm nervous about moving so far from home and I'm not thrilled about being away from my boyfriend for so long. Plus I hate sitting in the car for hours. I just want to get there and start working in the lab. But that's not your fault. Alan, you're doing me such a big favour driving us on short notice, and Sonia, I'm glad that I'm going to have a familiar face and a roommate down there. And..." she blushed visibly even in the low light. "Thank you for preserving my privacy yesterday during my little emergency. I was so embarrassed, but you guys were great."

"You're welcome," Sonia and I said in unison.

"I really was proud of you," Sonia added. "I never would have guessed you had it in you."

Katie refused to acknowledge her, but I saw a little smirk of pride on her face as she rolled out of bed.

An hour later we'd all showered, refuelled the car, bought coffee and headed out on I-71 towards Louisville. Everyone seemed in a better mood today, and once we'd all fully woken up, a pleasant three-way conversation developed. The weather today was even warmer than at home; not quite balmy by any stretch, but the temperature was well above freezing and the sun was still out. The forecast for the day's drive looked good, and I was hoping to make it at least past Little Rock, Arkansas today, which Google told me was roughly halfway between where we were and our destination on the Gulf Coast.

Half an hour out of Louisville, we were engrossed in a deep and spirited conversation about... television. Well, at least it was something.

"I don't get why girls love those shows about serial killers," I said. "Why do women want to watch other women getting brutally murdered?"

"I'm not into murder shows!" Sonia insisted. "I like Ozark, Breaking Bad, that sort of thing. True crime, but not super gory or violent. I'm too squeamish."

"I don't know why I like Criminal Minds and Making a Murderer and stuff like that," Katie jumped in. "But I do. I guess maybe there's a sense of empathy with the victims? Plus it's interesting getting into a killer's head, figuring out what makes them tick."

"I don't even watch a lot of scripted TV," I said. "I like sports, plus competitive reality shows like Top Chef-"

"See, you don't get true crime, but I don't get cooking shows," Katie interrupted. "Why do I want to watch other people eating food I'll never get to taste?"

"It's interesting!" Sonia jumped in. "It's human drama, plus you learn a lot about cooking."

"...The only scripted shows I watch," I continued my thought from before, "are funny ones that also have a level of reality to them. I loved Bojack Horseman. I liked The Office and Parks and Recreation when they were on. Right now I'm really into Big Mouth on Netflix."

"I love Big Mouth!" Sonia gushed. "It's embarrassing to watch, but it's so real. And they can only get away with it because it's a cartoon, but everyone knows what it's like being new into puberty and completely out of control. My hormone monster was a ruthless sadistic bitch."

"I like that show too," Katie agreed, "but I don't feel like I relate to it in quite the same way. Maybe because I was a late bloomer."

"You were?" Sonia asked nonchalantly. "How old were you when you started masturbating?"

I involuntarily jerked the steering wheel and nearly drove right off the road, before catching the wheel and guiding the car back into its lane. Did I hear that right? I looked at Sonia in the mirror, smirking to herself as she stared out the window. I then looked over at Katie, who was blushing so profusely that I could feel the heat from her face all the way from the driver's seat. The awkwardness of the moment lingered in the air.

"I'm, uh, not answering that," Katie finally stammered.

"Oh, come on," Sonia prodded. "Everyone does it, and I know you do too, because you wouldn't be so embarrassed about it if you didn't. You'd have just said you don't. I was Big Mouth-aged. Alan?"

"Uh, me too," I chimed in, not at all sure that I was comfortable answering.

Katie sat stiffly for a moment. "Fine. I was 18 or 19," she finally mumbled. "I'm not really into it though. I have a boyfriend for that."

"For real?" Sonia was incredulous. "It's totally different for me. Sure, sex is amazing, but even when I'm getting laid regularly I still get myself off. It's therapeutic. Bad day? Hung over? Depressed? Sad? Period cramps? Five or ten minutes later I can be feeling better. It's a form of self-care."

I let the conversation sit for a moment. I didn't have a problem talking openly about sex, but I did have a problem with making people uncomfortable. If Katie didn't want to talk about it with me, then I wasn't going to volunteer anything. The seconds felt like hours as I stared the road down.

"I liked that Seinfeld episode with the contest in it," Katie finally said quietly. "I could relate to that. I remember watching it when I was younger and not having a clue what they were talking about. Then I saw it again years later and it was like, 'oooooooooooooooooh, okay I get it now.'"

"I love that episode," I jumped in, trying to turn the conversation back to television. "The writing was so good. Imagine making a half-hour episode of TV in the 1990's, broadcast on a major network, about that. And then they never even once mentioned what the show was actually about. Getting that episode past the censors was a work of genius. I'd love to read an oral history of how they managed to accomplish it."

"For sure. Have you ever tried to see how long you could go without doing it?" Sonia asked, still apparently shameless. I looked again in the mirror, and Sonia's eyes locked onto mine. She was clearly asking the question to me.

"Uh, yeah, a couple times," I finally admitted. "I usually cave by day four or five."

"And you, Katie?"

Katie sighed. "Honestly, I don't do it that often, so I've probably gone weeks or months. Aaron and I have sex fairly often, and I usually don't have trouble climaxing. And when we can't have sex, I can usually put my libido away for a while."

"I can't do that," Sonia said. "I get super bitchy and irritable by day three or so. I have no idea how you just... go without. You may as well tell me I have to go without air, or food."

"It's sort of like..." Katie trailed off, thinking. "You know how every time you do laundry, the hardest part is finally putting the damn clothes away?"

I had no idea where she was going with the analogy, but I nodded.

"If Aaron's not available, I can let the clothes pile up and pile up and pile up and never really notice or care, and then suddenly one day it'll hit me I've got piles of laundry all over my room. It suddenly bothers me, and then I put everything away all at once."

"So you don't notice you're sexually frustrated until it smashes into you like a freight train?" Sonia asked.

Katie nodded sheepishly, then turned to Sonia in the back seat. "You mentioned you get super bitchy and irritable around day 3. Is that why you were super bitchy and irritable yesterday?" Katie's demeanour had changed, and she seemed suddenly confident and in control in a way I hadn't seen before.

"Nah. That was a hangover," Sonia said coolly.

"So when's day 3?" Katie pressed.

Sonia thought for a moment. "Today."

"So you're super sexually frustrated today?"

"Well, I wasn't until we started talking about it!" Sonia laughed. "But it's not like we're going to have any privacy on this road trip. Either I'll hold out until we're in Texas and I have my own room, or if it's an emergency there's always a hotel shower."

"More like, until you started talking about it," I pointed out. I was finally ready to jump into this conversation now that Katie was actively participating and seeming less creeped out.

Sonia shrugged. "Yes? And?"

The car fell silent for a moment.

"So when's day four or five for you, Alan?" Katie finally spoke up.

I thought for a moment. "Today's day three for me too. I last did it on Christmas Eve. How about you?"

"I legitimately don't remember the last time I played with myself. It's been quite a while. Aaron and I last had sex on the 21^st , since his flight home to Edmonton was early on the 22^nd."

"So you haven't cum in... six days?" Sonia did the math.

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

I focused on the road for a bit. I was getting turned on, and I really didn't want Katie to notice from the opposite seat. I shifted my posture, glancing down to see if my bulge was obvious. The silence in the car was overwhelming.

"We should have our own Seinfeld contest," Katie blurted suddenly.

"What?" It was Sonia's turn to seem surprised.

"Nobody's going to have any privacy for the next few days, apart from in the shower at the hotels," Katie continued. "We're stuck to each other. So let's see who can go the longest without getting off."

"You're only suggesting this because you think you're going to win," Sonia grumbled.

Katie smiled again. "You're right. I do think I'm going to win. But come on. Let's put some stakes on it."

"What is this, a crossover episode?" I asked, quoting Mr. Peanutbutter from Bojack Horseman.

"Alan, you're flying home on the 30^th, right?" Katie turned to face me.

"Yep."

"I don't want to put actual cash down like on Seinfeld. If we're going to have a bet, let's make it for an experience. We'll all go out for a nice dinner on the 29^th. Let's pick the best restaurant in Corpus Christi. Anyone who's not master of their domain pays the bill for anyone who's is. You can order whatever you want, just no, like, ten-thousand dollar bottles of champagne or anything ridiculous."

Sonia caught my eye in the rear view mirror. "I don't know about this. What do you think, Alan?"

"How are we enforcing the rules?" I asked.

"It'll have to be the honour system," Katie explained, "plus I don't know when we're going to have any privacy over the next few days, anyway. But somehow I don't think all three of us are going to make it."

"And is it to completion, or is just touching okay?"

"Obviously you have to cum to lose," Katie asserted.

"Edging sounds super dangerous," Sonia added.

I exchanged another look in the mirror with Sonia, who was now looking like she was the nervous, unsure one. "I can go another couple of days," I finally said, not entirely sure that I could.

"I don't know if I can," Sonia said quietly. "If you two are in, I'm not going to be the only party pooper. But it's not going to be easy for me. Normally I shave my legs every day."

"I get that reference," Katie said knowingly.

"And you want to do this, Alan?" Sonia asked.

"Well, I wasn't planning to jerk off with you guys in the room with me anyway, so sure, why not?"

"Okay, fine, I'm in too." Sonia leaned forward against my seat and touched my shoulder. "Did we just agree to buy Katie a nice dinner? Or is it just me that's going to have to choose between my money and my sanity?"

I took her hand on my shoulder and held it in mine. "Nah. We've got a three day head start on her. That's three more days' worth of laundry. And I bet we can help add to her pile. She'll be fed up with it after nine days of not putting it away." I glanced over at Katie, side-eying her. It suddenly hit me that this was Geoff's little sister, and I had instant second thoughts about what I'd just agreed to.

Katie looked away, unable to meet my gaze. "Maybe I will, but I still think I'm going to kick both your butts. But just so you guys know, even if I do lose, I'm not going to cheat on Aaron."

"Good, because I'm not interested in sleeping with Geoff's kid sister," I reassured her. "That would be a little too weird."

"Good. It would be really weird for me too, even if I was single."

"And I'm not really interested in casual sex right now," Sonia added. "I don't want to talk about it, but I'm sort of on a sabbatical from sex to focus on myself."

The car fell silent as I contemplated what I'd just agreed to. My surging libido over the past few weeks aside, I hadn't really been thinking about sex at all on this trip. Thinking of Katie in sexual terms at all was a little strange for me, plus she was taken anyway. Sonia was unquestionably pretty, but she wasn't putting off any vibes of being interested in me, and even if she was, I felt responsible for these girls and didn't want to put them in a weird place. That's also not to mention that I wasn't making Katie leave a hotel room to hook up with her roommate when she was indirectly paying for me to be there.

I hadn't been expecting to have any privacy on this trip, anyway. When masturbation wasn't an option for me I could hold out longer than four or five days by not thinking about it, but I was suddenly thinking quite a lot about it, and I was acutely aware that it had been more than four months since I'd gotten laid. I was still hard, mildly uncomfortable sitting there in the car with two attractive women.

A few hours of steady but not incessant PG-rated conversation later, we passed the Tennessee state line, and I noticed that Sonia had fallen asleep in the back seat. I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to check in on Katie.

"So, I hope Sonia didn't make you too uncomfortable back there," I ventured. "I was trying to stay out of it until I could tell that you were actively participating in that conversation."

Katie laughed. "You're fine, Alan, and I noticed that, so thank you. Even though I don't really feel like I know you that well, you've been in my life for what feels like forever. I trust you."

"What about Sonia, though? Are you going to be okay living with her?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"She seems to love pushing your buttons."

"That's for sure."

"Do you know why? I'm trying not to step on anyone's toes, but it definitely feels like there's history there."

Katie thought for a moment. "Sonia is the kind of girl who... well, I don't know if she's actually a slut in private or not, but she loves acting like one of the boys, jumping in with the locker room talk and stuff. The men in her lab love her for it, since she comes across as dirty and as foul-mouthed as they all are, and while I'm sure it makes it more fun spending a month living in tents with her, I don't think that makes them respect her as a scientist.

"She also knows it's the kind of thing that makes me uncomfortable, so she's used it in the past to get a reaction out of me. But I learned a while back that the best way to deal with Sonia is to beat her at her own game. She was oversharing because she thought it would bother me, and it did at first, but then I turned the tables on her; used her own tricks against her. I don't love feeling like I've overshared something personal about myself, but now she's either going to be tortured and frustrated for the rest of the trip, or she'll owe me a nice dinner. Win-win. I am sorry, though, that you wound up as collateral damage. If there'd been a way to get the upper hand on her without involving you, I'd have preferred it that way. I am sorry for that."

"Don't be sorry. I mean, it's going to be interesting. And you seem pretty confident about your chances of victory, considering that we've got a three day head start on you."

Katie laughed. "It's never been an issue for me before. I feel like I've got a pretty good sense of self-control. But I've never been away from Aaron for this long before, either. He's probably not going to be able to get away to see me while I'm in Texas, and I don't think I'm coming home for the next four months. I wasn't really a sexual person before I met him, so I guess I'll have to learn to look after my own needs for the first time. That said, I can't imagine I'll have trouble waiting a few more days to start. What about you? Will you be okay?"