All Comments on 'Lisa's First Time'

My doubts about this story: It's not about the format, but about the content...Who are these people...In the end we know slightly only one of them: Tony the bartender! The couple we don't know who they are, what they are to each other (he is always refered as her lover!), how old...We only know that he is Bi and have a small cock...Not knowing a thing about them takes all the charge from the story...2*

Every day you complain about what you read here,,Write us a story so we can do the same for you..

To stupid anon: Every day you come here to just insult other readers...I think you don't even read any of these stories...I at least I have the decency to read the stories and comment about them and about the characters...You in the other end, may have difficulty in reading long stories...So you come here to belittle other reader's comments...Get a life!! Maybe go to school again and learn how to read!

Impo, what's your suggestion for knowing more about them? This is my first published piece, so I'm looking to improve. I've seen some authors put a forward at the beginning giving background. Or more backstory up front before the hotel room scene?

Well, JeepGuy, you have a pretty good story, especially given it’s your first try. Since you encourage comments, (and I usually try to help starters—just call it payback for those who helped me)—I’ll give you my candid impressions.

#1 impo is definitely not one of the trolls who haunt these pages, but I’m not as put off as him about not knowing who these people are, at least not at this point. I see the tale, to this point, as a quick whack job; however the ‘to be continued’ line could change that viewpoint, making impo’s comments more legitimate.

#2 Your question of how to tell us more about the characters is a good one; a question that has baffled many of us writers. Your suggestion of an up-front paragraph describing them is one used by many; however it’s still one of the worst ways. The book answer is <b>to show us the information, don’t tell us.</b> I think your choice of a 1st person viewpoint makes that job even harder

#3 The 1st person’s advantage of allowing the reader to feel more involved in the story is offset by the limitation that Lisa can only know what she sees, feels or what somebody tells her. Since she is still blindfolded with her hands tied and neither Mike nor the stranger has said a word about what they feel or are doing, she can know nothing about what they feel and what they are doing, unless she feels their hands or whatever on her body. (You violated this rule several times.)

#4 One way to show us these people’s feelings is through dialogue, but this story, so far, doesn’t lend itself to dialogue. Another way is the character’s thoughts expressed by internal dialogue, but your chosen viewpoint limits this to Lisa’s thoughts only. There may be many other ways, but these are what comes to mind.

#5 Consider 3rd person unlimited viewpoint; here the unknown narrator has the power of a god, can see all, know all, and tell all. Everything you did here, and much more, could have been done legitimately in 3rd person, with only the one disadvantage mentioned earlier.

#6 Since it’s your first, I think you deserve a 4. If the next part has the same problems, I suspect your score will be lower. Good Luck and KEEP WRITING!

Interesting storyline start, keep it going. Xoxoxoxo Annette

Is he gay or bi or just a pervert and did she do this because he wanted it or both did. I have tried to understand what would motivate a man to di this and can't figure it out. If I no longer charished my wife I might swing but to just sit there and watch her fuck another guy with the necessary huge dick I can't imagine. If this is necessary to write a story cause you can't come up with another scenario well thats just lame.

This story told about an erotic contact, one incident. Why do we need to know the characters? This was short and sweet and the main character was the incident, not the people. Would knowing her name was Patty and she is a 911 operator from Boston with a 36-26-36 figure and legs that look great in 6" heels make a diffrence? Not for me. Bravo JeepGuy on a hot scene. See you around in CT.

A bartender, are you kidding me? What intelligent, sane woman would allow herself to be tied up and immobilised, then to get hit for being "naughty", I love my husband, but would not allow even him to do this to me. Just reads like an excuse to justify domestic violence. If he strikes her for being naughty, what does that make him? An abuser and a pimp.

So far very formula.

When she does sometime really out of the norm for Mike then we can say something. Her and her pussy are no longer special so they don't count just like Mike is now a 3", 30 second limp dud now.

This is a well-written sex scene -- so far. The "to be continued" ending suggests there is more to come. One piece of advice: if you're going to write a multi-chapter story, you should let readers know, up front, that they're reading a multi-chapter story.

At this point, we don't know who any of these characters are. It's like watching a porno in the middle of a movie. It's hot watching two people fuck -- but it would be even hotter if you knew something about them. Given that this is the first scene, you deserve some slack. Just don't let out any more slack or you won't be able to reel us in.

You can take this story in a number of different directions. Maybe the next chapter will be a "prequel" where you explain how this chapter came to be. Maybe you follow this scene with the bartender leaving the couple alone to discuss what just happened, and whether or not they want to do it again.

The most difficult part of any story is devising an ending. A good ending should wrap up the story in a way that explains the theme of the story, conveys some overarching message, or delivers a "moral to the story." Decide what motivated you to post this story, and then craft an ending that fits that narrative.

Thanks for taking the time and effort to make a contribution to this site. Please continue writing for us, as you have some talent.

@JeepGuyInCT: I understand what you said, but all the scene loses some impact, if we look at it as a story that will go on, and not as @ maninconn just as an "erotic contact, one incident"...I was not talking about knowing all the details about them, but at least to know a little more...Was this incident something they have talked about and agreed or a surprise from him to her? If we look at it as an erotic contact, a one time incident, the comments should be different, but in the end you put: "To be continued..." and "I'd appreciate any and all feedback"...and that's what I tryed to do...Who reads this can read it from different ways: 1st - just a erotic incident between 3 people...and end of story...or 2nd - A couple (married or not...We don't know if they are even married...he could be her lover trying for her to live one of her fantasies...), trying to spice their lives, just because they are absolutely sure of their love and commitment...Let me use your fist setence to explain better what I think: You wrote: "Lisa lay on her back on the hotel bed..." It would be enought to write: "Lisa, my loving wife of X years, lay on her back on the hotel bed"...Just a few words would have put a lot more information about them...Thank you for answering to my comment...

A thank you to @thecarolinadreamer...You were absolutely right! What triggered my comment were these two sentences in the end: "To be continued..." and "I'd appreciate any and all feedback".

Impo, I do appreciate the concrete feedback. I had meant to title it as Chapter 1, but lost track of that in my eagerness to finally post something. This started out as a piece of fantasy fiction from me to a partner. In the context of the two of us it was perfectly clear. But I should have paid more attention to editing it for a broader audience.

I hope to put start working on chapter 2 soon. I'll work to incorporate the various suggestions. Hopefully starting from scratch will give a better product.

I'm also hoping to write some stand-alone pieces. I'll play around with style and content and see how they turn out.

Again, thanks for the pointers.

We have enjoyed similar encounters and this one sounds like a truthful one.

Awesome story. I wanna be the husband and hopefully get some of Tony too.

My name is Mike and My wife is Lisa. Would love to try this with her

The eroticism is real. Please keep going!

A very hot story, please continue it!

Nice nice! Are mike and tony going to farther.....

Great buildup, so hot and naughty, like my wife and I fantasize about. Would love to see my wife and I in this story with a stranger. I would like have to have it go down in the same way. Please write more, maybe hubby cleans her up ...eating the sloppy cream pie while she licks the stranger clean, then fucks her, so stranger can then try cream pie cleanup with his tongue. Whatever ...keep writing

My wife has no idea this is coming very soon to a bed near here ... this story just solidifies my resolve to make it happen for her.

Good emotion, awesome story narrative and good writing. Ya gotta finish this with a sequel.