Little Packages Ch. 05

I was trying to be patient, but this was getting frustrating.

"Kitten, I really am trying to give you your space, but something is bothering you and I'd like to help if I can," I said.

She nodded and I gave her a moment to collect her thoughts.

"Do you love me, Daddy?" she asked.

It was such an out of left field question that it caught me by surprise. I tell her I love her a dozen times a day. As tempting as it was to laugh, say of course I do and tell her she was silly, clearly something was bothering her.

"I do," I said. "I hope I show you that every day."

She nodded.

"I love you too," she said.

And I smiled because there was a time I was certain I'd never heard another woman say that to me again.

"So why are you trying to test it?" she asked. "Are you not certain it's the real thing? Do you have doubts?"

One of the things about being married for over 20 years is that you get awfully good at recognizing hand grenades lobbed at you in the form of rhetorical questions. The problem is you never know if the pin is still in the grenade. I could certainly blow off Kitten, tell her she was being a silly little girl. The DD/LG relationship we had meant I was still technically the dom, although I rarely felt that way. I could certainly emotionally dominate her, tell her she was being silly, and forget about it.

But that was manipulative. It also felt like exactly the type of thing that would fester if I tried it. I'd bet money some of her Ex's tried it. So I had no choice; I had to fall on the grenade and hope the pin was still in it.

"I don't 100% understand what you mean," I said.

She looked exasperated, like she didn't understand how her Daddy could be this dumb.

"You said in line today that Disney and vacations were a test. And...and I didn't say anything before, but I heard a bit of the conversation between you and Beth back in Toronto a few weeks ago about how Disney can test and break a relationship. And it's just...things you've said and done sometimes over the last few days that makes me feel like I'm being graded and if this vacation doesn't go well you'll reevaluate this relationship."

Oh God, I thought.

"Kitten..."

"And that's why I've been obsessing on the phone, because I wanted this to go as smoothly as possible, and then you got frustrated with me this afternoon and took my phone, and now I'm wondering if I'm doing a good enough job. I don't want to lose you, Daddy," she said.

And then she started crying.

I am the worst Daddy in the world. I have completely screwed up. There's a difference between being more spontaneous and just being goddamn careless. And somehow I had managed to give her the impression that if this wasn't the perfect vacation I was going to dump her. I didn't even want to think how long she had been carrying this around.

The place was packed, of course, but we'd managed to get a booth even though there were just the two of us. I was sitting across from her, so I got up and got on her side of the booth. She moved further in, and I didn't want to exactly corner her. I reached over and took her hand. She reluctantly let me have it even after she kept sniffling.

Ok, old man. Phrase this correctly.

"Your Daddy is a bit of an idiot, as I'm sure you've noticed," I said. Not so much as a smile. Ok.

"I screwed up. I completely understand why you thought that. I really do. It's the easiest thing in the world to think that, but that's not what I meant and I'm horrified that I made you think this was a pass/fail relationship test. Because it's not," I said.

"You said Disney and vacations were a relationship test," she said. "I heard you say it."

"Yes, I did. What I should have said is you learn a lot about your lover when you go on a vacation with them. You learn how you communicate. You learn how you compromise. You learn how you handle things when things go wrong. Because these things happen," I said.

I flashed back to my previous trips here. It would probably give my psychiatrist plenty of material to work with.

"Ok, story time. You ready?"

That got a small smile.

"On our first trip here, Beth and I got into a fight because she really, really wanted to do the 'It's a Small World' ride and I really didn't want to. Always hated that song and the idea of spending 10 minutes or so listening to it was unappealing.

"But finally I caved in, we got in line and after 45 minutes we started the ride. Except a few minutes in, it breaks. Nothing is moving. Nothing. We're sitting in the sun, and it was warmer than this, with no shade, and there's nothing we can do. We can't get out and leave, we have to wait for them to fix it.

"We were stuck there for 35 minutes, Kitten. Thirty. Five. Minutes. But that wasn't the worst part," I said.

Her eyes were wide, wondering what could be worse.

"The song didn't stop. We kept hearing 'It's a Small World' over and over and over again. It was horrible. So yeah, when we got off that ride, we didn't talk to each other for the rest of the day. I'm half amazed we didn't get divorced. I was so upset from that ride, and she thought the whole thing was kinda funny and I should learn to take the joke," I said.

"Daddy, we did that ride and you didn't say anything. You could have told me and we would have skipped it. I totally would have understood," she said.

"Yeah, but Beth was right. It was funny, in a horror movie sort of way. We eventually looked back on it and laughed. We remembered that more than pretty much any of the rides we were on that trip. For years all she had to do was hum a few bars of that song to get a reaction out of me," I said.

I paused. The next bit was tricky.

"The best relationships the two people sit down and figure out what could be done better. It means talking to one another more... actually it means listening to what the person is saying... and trying to keep calm. I figured that's what would happen with us, but honestly, this has been as smooth and relaxing a vacation as I can ever recall.

"I just wish you hadn't killed yourself trying to make it perfect. I don't like my little girl upset. My job as your Daddy is to make sure you're as happy and stress-free as possible. You've been amazing, but I'm really, really sorry if you did all of it because you were scared," I said.

She nodded, and she still looked miserable, but she'd stopped crying. That was the moment when the waitress decided to show up with the food. She looked momentarily baffled by the changed seating arrangements, but then noticed Kitten had been crying.

"Should I come back?" she asked.

"No, just place the food normally, please. We're ok," I said.

She put the food down and then quickly gave us back our privacy.

"Are you ok? I can call her back and we can take this to go if you want," I said.

"No, I'm ok," she said in a small voice. Then the volcano rumbled again and she startled and smiled a bit. "Besides, I like it here. It's kind of silly."

I decided not to press my luck and shifted back to where I had been sitting. We started eating our food and didn't talk much. I decided to not press my luck. I had said my piece and I hoped she knew I was sincere.

It was an awkward meal. I asked if she was ok, and she nodded. I had to resist the urge to ask if she was ok every two minutes. After supper was over, I asked if she wanted dessert. To my mild astonishment she said no. Kit normally has no problem putting away something sweet after a meal and they had ludicrous desserts here. Now I was getting worried. I thought I'd explained everything and I thought it made sense, but maybe it didn't.

As we were leaving I was going to find a quiet spot and try talking to her again, when she turned and looked at me.

"Daddy, do you mind if I go wander alone for a little bit? I just...I need to clear my head a bit. Is that ok?" she asked.

I had full blown alert sirens going off in my head and it felt like acid was dripping into my stomach. But sure, go for a walk. No problem.

"I understand, Kitten. Take your time. You have your phone and everything you need?" I asked.

She smiled and tapped her purse.

"I'll be ok, Daddy. I won't be too late," she said, got up on her toes and kissed me on the cheek. Then she turned and walked away from me, in the opposite direction of the hotel.

The problem with being a planner with a pretty good memory is that you get to relive every bad conversation in your head like a highlight reel. If you're still dealing with depression, even if you've had a really good few months, it'll kick in and do slow motion replay and commentary on everything you did wrong.

The trip from the restaurant back to the hotel room was exactly like that. It had been quite some time since I had last done this to myself. Not since the weeks after the accident when I replayed everything I should have done differently the night of the accident. If I had hugged a friend a little longer, Beth would be alive. If I had sped to try and catch the third light after the bar, Beth would be alive. My psychiatrist had helped get me out of that cycle, but it wasn't easy.

I got back to the room and couldn't settle, terrified she was going to come back and break up with me. It was an insane thought, but it sat there and spun in my head like a carousel. After months of being locked away in a cage of happiness, whatever depressed monster that lives in my head broke loose and went on a rampage. Of course she would dump me, look at the terrible thing I did, causing her all that stress. Never mind that we'd both been ecstatically happy the last five months. That we had been happy just this morning.

I couldn't sit in the room and I didn't want to be out when she came back. I went out on the deck and sat on a couch out there. Around nine o'clock the fireworks show began and I watched the explosions without her for the first time on the trip. I never knew fireworks could be depressing.

She had until 11 pm before I started texting to make sure she was ok. Disney is safe, and I know she can take care of herself, but any later than that and I had justified reasons to make sure she was all right.

At 10:40 I heard the click of the door opening. I was simultaneously relieved and terrified. I heard her walk into the room and after a moment I heard, "Daddy?"

"Out on the deck," I called out. I'd left the door partly open so I could hear her come in. Normally I feel guilty about the air conditioning blasting out the door and into the night. Tonight I didn't have the energy for it.

She came out, saw me on the couch and came over, sat down next to me and rested her head on my shoulder. On reflex I turned and kissed the top of her head. I didn't say anything, just waited for her to start.

"Is it possible we're both idiots?" she asked two minutes later out of the blue.

I started laughing and after a few seconds so did she. Once we stopped, she looked at me.

"When you explained to me that this wasn't a pass/fail on our relationship, that there wasn't any sinister agenda behind us coming here and you asking me to do the planning, I felt like an idiot," she said. I went to interrupt, but she put up her hand.

"It made perfect sense. I don't pretend to know everything about you, but everything I've seen in the last few months has shown me you're not that kind of man. That it was crazy. You would never do that to me. You're a kind, loving man and you want me to be happy.

"But this afternoon, it just clicked together like a perfect conspiracy theory. Of course this was a test. I'd been planning my brains out because I wanted you to be happy and to show you I was a good girl and now this whole trip was for higher stakes and then something just snapped," she said.

I shook my head.

"As God as my witness, I asked you to do the planning because I didn't want to fall into the same routines when I visited here with my parents as a kid, or Beth as an adult. I just wanted to build something new with you, right now," I said.

She laughed quietly before saying, "Probably should have told me that a few weeks ago, Daddy."

"No kidding," I said, and then put my hands in my face, relief washing over me.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"I've spent the last couple of hours in a spin cycle thinking you were going to come back here and break up with me because I was a cruel, manipulative bastard," I said, my voice choking a bit.

I spared a glance over at her. She looked horrified. She got down off the couch, and hunched between my legs. She took my face in her hands.

"I was out walking to try and not be mortified for being so stupid so I could look you in the eyes again. You're the most decent man I've ever met. You're stuck with me forever," she said.

"For better or for worse?" I said, trying to be funny.

"Don't even joke," she said. "If you were serious right now I would be too."

Wow. That was breathtaking in a whole new way. Still, I took her hands and sat up straighter. She was an amazing woman, my little girl.

"It's all still a learning process, princess," I said. "And not just the two of us. I thought I was all better. No more depression or mental health problems. You'd cured me.

"Tonight was a reminder I need to be careful. That apparently my depression and some of the mental health things I was going through are not magically vanished just because I've been happy the last few months," I said.

"I'm here when you need me, Daddy," she said.

My little girl. My amazing little girl.

"And Daddy, I also got a reminder that just because I had assholes in the past who made gaslighting me a recreational sport doesn't mean you're going to do the same thing," she said.

I tilted my head a bit when I heard that because I knew what she was trying to say, but...

"Wait, does that mean..."

She figured it out at the same time.

"Gahhhh. Nooooo, you know what I meant, Daddy. You're not an asshole," she said looking frustrated.

I smiled, pulled her gently up and towards me and she quickly positioned herself so she was sitting in my lap and just hugged her. It was as if every horrible thought from the last few hours vanished. More importantly I could physically feel her relax.

"Do you still love your silly little girl," she asked, her face muffled by my chest.

"I may even love her a little bit more."

She looked up at me and made her eyes go big.

"Wowww," she said.

"Tiny bit more," I said, holding two of my fingers an inch apart.

"I love you a tiny bit more too," she said, mimicking my gesture. And then cuddled back in. We stayed like that for about 10 minutes when I felt her begin to squirm a bit.

"What's up, Kitten?"

She looked...nervous and embarrassed but plowed ahead anyway.

"Daddy, can you take a look at what I have planned for tomorrow. I know it's probably weird after today, but I'll feel better if you do," she said.

"No problem, Kitten. Let's have a look."

***

It was as if a big, cathartic wave had finally crashed over. I was kicking myself a bit for not noticing how much taking on most of the Disney planning was stressing her out. It was obvious in retrospect. What I viewed as throwing herself into the planning because she liked it, she viewed it as a do or die final exam on our relationship.

After consulting her plans, we decided to toss a lot of them. Because she had been so efficient our first three days at the Park, we managed to see and do most everything we had on our mental list. We needed some down time to relax. Instead I suggested we sleep in the next morning and gradually make our way over to the Lagoon water park.

And it was a great day at the park. Yeah, a water park at Disney on Spring Break is going to be busy, but we managed to find our zen...our second wind. She surfed at the wave pool, and after a few spectacular wipe outs she kept getting better and better and had a blast. I made a mental note that maybe we should go to California or Hawaii at some point in the future so she could try the real thing.

Kitten was wearing a green one piece suit. She looked great, but I missed the skimpier bikini. However, if you're going to spend all day running through a water park, maybe something with some structure is the way to go. Even if I couldn't keep up with her, I loved watching her run, and have fun. She was uncoiling and burning off the tension that I think she didn't even know she'd been carrying.

She was currently splashing around in the pool and chatting with a group of kids. Even from this distance I could tell the oldest boy was trying to flirt with her. Good luck to him, I thought. Kitten could handle herself. I was content to stay in my shaded area and keep myself hydrated. We were going to do this for another hour and then maybe go and hit some of the stores. In a remarkable feat of will power, she'd been at Disney for four days and hadn't bought anything. Now she was feeling the urge to do her shopping. At least the stores would be air conditioned so we wouldn't die.

That's when I felt someone nearby. I glanced over my shoulder and noticed a woman in her mid-40s looking out at Kitten. Her hair was a kind of blonde designed to make sure it eliminated any speculation that there might be grey, but it was professionally done. She had the tan of a woman who if she wasn't from Florida, was certainly some place warm. I was bracing myself for a lecture, but she had an odd, sad look on her face. Then she noticed me looking and shook herself from her memories and moved a little closer.

"Sorry. I hope you don't mind me stealing some of your shade. I'm just keeping an eye on my kids. I think they're playing with your daughter over there," she said.

There was a flashing temptation to lie and go along with it, if for no other reason to spare myself the lecture or scorn that would likely follow. But I wasn't in the mood. Besides, it's not like we'd been subtle in hiding our relationship the last couple of hours.

"She's my girlfriend, actually," I said.

She laughed, quietly.

"I thought so. That's my boy out there, striking out with her in spectacular fashion. Lord help him, he takes after his father. So busy being wowed by how charming he thinks he is, he's not catching on that his target isn't interested," she said.

There was something about the way she said it, in a kind of sad, wistful way that made me ask the next question.

"He's not here today?"

She shook her head. "He passed a couple of years ago. He was much older than me and, well, the last few years haven't been kind to older people who believe conspiracy theories instead of doctors. I miss that idiot every damn day."

I waved her to the seat on the other side of the table, and she nodded her thanks and sat down.

"My condolences. My wife passed away about two and a half years ago. Car accident," I said, cutting off the inevitable follow-up question. The pang was there, but not overwhelming, and I never knew if I should be relieved or horrified whenever I realized that.

"It's hard, isn't it?" she said. "Dealing with it all. Did you have kids?"

"No."

"Small mercies, then," she said, and then paused. "I confess, I noticed the two of you earlier and it reminded me and Jim from years ago. I was in my early 20s and he was in his 50s and he just swept me off my feet. Quite the scandal. My parents disowned me for years. My mom was just waiting for me to come crawling back. But it lasted and gave me those three, including the idiot your girlfriend just shoved in the water."

I looked up and, sure enough, a young blonde kid was spluttering back above the water while two other kids were laughing their ass off. Kitten had the look which said "you are getting off easy. Don't push it."

"My girl's a handful," I said, grinning.

"Yes she is. Good for her," she said, then paused. "Twenty-five years ago it was rough for us at times, and that's when people were a little more tolerant around here about the age difference between a husband and a wife. Are you getting crap about it?"