Lockdown Love

It had really been weeks, but it seemed like years ago I stood in a suburban backyard watching fireworks clinking champagne glasses together and hugging everyone present wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

"Charli, 2020 is going to be your year, I know it!" I could still hear my best friend Maddi telling me this as we hugged on the warm January morning as her last guests left.

Maddi and Trent were renowned for their New Year's parties. I had met Maddi at Nurses College and we were soon best friends. We came from different circles, but it was more than nursing that bonded us. Maddi was one of five children and her parents, David and Helen were still devoted to each other. I was an only child and had largely raised myself after my mother died from a drug overdose shortly before my 10th birthday. My father tried hard. He had put up with so much shit from my mother and yet he stayed, and he did not think twice about me staying and living with him.

It was memories of Mum that drew me to nursing. She had developed severe mental health issues in her late teens. Looking back, I suspect they were drug induced. She'd met Dad at a pharmacy when she was collecting medications for herself and him for his dying mother. Both his parents were dead before I was born. Mum's parents had disowned her, Mum and Dad had never married, but Dad gave Mum some stability for a while. He genuinely cared for her and she dutifully took her medications and attended therapy sessions.

Despite their use of contraception, I was conceived. Dad was thrilled. Mum's mental health suffered. Dad cared for me whilst Mum went on benders. He willingly accepted her home despite her obvious infidelity. In the end I suspect for Dad, her death was almost a relief. He had never found another woman as far as I knew. He was a good man. He worked in a government department doing admin work. I actually have no idea what he did, but he enjoyed it and always told me it paid the bills.

Dad encouraged me to do the best I could. At school I was seen as a bit of a nerd and weirdo. I enjoyed maths and science. I was not a naturally gifted student, but I knew when to ask a question and the teachers appreciated my willingness to learn. I had thought about becoming a doctor, but I remembered it was the nurses who Mum would talk about when she came out of hospital, they had tried to make a difference.

Maddi's family had taken me in whilst I was at university. Helen was a nurse and David a doctor. It seemed to me like the utopia I had been searching for my entire life. It was through Maddi I met her older brother, Justin. To me, he was my idea of perfection. He was tall and handsome. He was lean but used to working outdoors where he loved building things. He was studying engineering. He would often drive Maddi and I to and from uni and soon he asked me out to the movies.

"I don't get it, Maddi," I remember asking my friend, "Why does Justin want to go to the movies with me?"

"You are so silly, moron," Maddi laughed, "He likes you!"

He did like me. After a while he loved me. And I loved him. We were married when I was 23 and he was 26. It was a beautiful ceremony. Dad could not afford a lot, but Justin's parents insisted on helping. Dad loved Justin like the son he never had. I felt like a princess in my dress. Justin looked amazing in his tux. We honeymooned in New Zealand.

Justin had been my first ever boyfriend and I can still remember the first time we made love. It was in my bedroom whilst my father was at work. Justin had had two other girlfriends, but he kept telling me that I was so different to them. Sex came naturally to us and we fitted together well. We lived together before we were married in a flat near the hospital where I worked. Justin was fast becoming a successful mechanical engineer and our lives seemed perfect.

Maddi had met Trent, a doctor at the hospital where we worked, and we would often go on double dates. Neither of us were surprised when Trent proposed and were thrilled for Maddi. Maddi was pregnant soon after their wedding. Justin and I had decided to wait for a few years and despite Maddi pestering me, I promised her than when she tried for their second, we would try for our first.

It took longer than expected for me to conceive. Maddi ended up being on her third pregnancy when I finally missed a period. Justin was thrilled. He had told me he loved practicing to make a baby but knowing we had succeeded brought us both great joy. I was 28. Dad was also over the moon as were Maddi and Justin's parents.

Nicholas was a beautiful baby. When he was 6 months old, I went back to work for a couple of shifts per week. Dad offered to look after Nick and would come and stay at our home. Everything seemed perfect, until it was not. I came home one morning and found Dad, Justin and Nick in the kitchen eating breakfast. I gave Nick a feed and told them I was heading to bed. I can still remember that morning well. I kissed Justin as I passed him the baby and thanked Dad for helping.

"I'm taking Dad home and then stopping at the market with Nick," Justin told me as he hugged me, "Then when we get back and you've had a nap, Nick can have a nap and I want to make you cum your head off!"

"Mm..." I laughed giving my husband a kiss, "That sounds perfect!"

I was not woken by the promise of Nick's cock. I was woken by two police officers banging on the front door.

"Mrs Clarke?" one enquired.

"Um, yes I'm Charlotte Clarke, but I go by my own name of Simpson. Sorry, how can I help?"

They asked to come in and got me to sit down in the lounge room. I remember apologising and telling them I'd worked a night shift. I remember calling for Justin and the officers looking at each other.

"There's no easy way to tell you Ms Simpson, but there was an accident and we believe Justin Clarke, Darren Simpson and a baby who was with them were all crushed by a falling wall at the market."

I felt my world collapsing. I ran to the yard thinking Justin and Nick would be there, but it was empty. I replayed our conversation of the morning over and over and told them it had to be a mistake because Justin was going to take Dad home first. I knew deep in my heart that Dad would have wanted to spend more time with Justin and Nick.

I remember ringing Maddi and telling her they were dead. They were all dead.

That was over 3 years ago. It took months for me to venture out of the house after their funerals. Maddi dutifully checked on me every day. She made me get up and shower and always brought me food. I honestly think without her I would have simply died from a broken heart. There was a coroner's inquest and a building company was found to be at fault. I was awarded compensation, but I did not want money, I wanted my family back.

After some therapy with a kind and gentle counsellor, I quit my job at the hospital and applied for a job to be a nurse at a residential college attached to the university Maddi and I had studied at. I remember the interview. I was told I was unusual as there were not many 30-something-year-olds who applied to live in a residential college with university students to be their nurse.

"Ms Simpson, the position does come with a small flat on site for you which would be suitable for you and a partner, but not a family," Julian, the Master of the college explained.

"Um, Sir," I replied trying to remind myself not to say um, "It's just me. I was widowed a year or so back and need to do something different. I used to work in the emergency department near here and dealt a lot with university students who had gotten up to mischief, I'd like to think that I could be an extra person they could talk to before they got up to any mischief if you get my drift."

I can't remember what else I said, but I got the job on the spot. I was taking over from Deidre who was retiring and had been the College Nurse for over fifteen years. She was a sweetheart and it was obvious the residents liked her.

"You'll have to learn a lot about teenagers," Deidre counselled me, "But as long as the condom bowl is full, they'll come!"

I had noticed the large fishbowl on her desk. The college prided itself on its programs to combat sexual and domestic violence. I was not only a counsellor for students but could triage their concerns and tell them if they needed to go and see a doctor. Before my pregnancy I had completed a master's degree in emergency medicine, but I was not sure how this was going to help me. In the two months before students arrived back for the year, I undertook several short courses specialising in sexual health and relationships. It was nice to be back studying again and being able to distract my mind from the tragedies of the last couple of years.

Justin and I had purchased a small house not far from where I would be living. I decided that part of my moving on would see selling my home. Maddi and her younger brothers, Jack and Jeremy and sister, Melanie, helped me clear out the home Justin and I had made together. The nursery was the hardest. I had barely touched the room. Nick had never slept in there instead he had a crib next to our bed and often spent the night lying between us. I had considered leasing the house but decided that even if I did decide to leave the college, I would probably be by myself and I did not need its reminder in my life.

For the second time that year I readied a house for realtors to create a story to sell it to another unsuspecting buyer. Dad's home had been harder. He was a hoarder and Maddi and I spent many hours sorting through things, often just picking up boxes and flinging them into the skip. I had no idea if I threw away anything important.

I had survived my first year at college. It took a lot of adjustment, but the residents were, overall, friendly and seemed to like my advice. I had thought of travelling over the Summer break but decided it could wait until later in the year. So, I saw in the New Year with Maddi and Trent and their families.

Cleaning up from the party Maddi reiterated what she had told me the night before.

"I'll tell you again Charlotte Simpson, 2020 is going to be your year. Justin would hate to see you wallowing like this. You are too young and beautiful not get out there and find someone else to spend your life with."

I knew Maddi meant well, but I could not bring myself to think about dating again. It had been easy with Justin. He got me. We truly adored each other and when he died, part of me died too.

"Yeah, it's going to be a different year anyway at college- there's new dean arriving from interstate and thank goodness the footy captain and his mates have moved out."

The footy captain had a name, but I could not say it as he was not at all like my husband despite them sharing a name. He made a point of coming by whenever my office was open and grabbing a handful of condoms. He had tried to flirt with me, and I had not stopped it soon enough. At one stage I thought I would have to report him for his behaviour, but I thought back to the training I had provided on consent and he had not pushed any of those boundaries. Perhaps he did simply have a crush on me, but I was incapable of handling it, especially as I refused to say his name.

"Charli, if a 20-year-old footy player thinks you're hot enough to flirt with, then there's bound to be other men out there! You are gorgeous! You always have been, and it was never just Justin who noticed you- so many guys at uni turned their heads when you walked past!"

Perhaps Maddi had a point. Justin had always told me how beautiful I was. He adored my wavy auburn hair. He told me he cherished my ample boobage and would spend hours fondling and sucking my orbs. When Nick died, I developed mastitis as my milk dried up, but my breasts had returned to their pre-pregnancy and breastfeeding shape without too much saggage. I was blessed, Justin would tell me, with an hourglass figure and I remembered Justin reaching for my hips at any opportunity. But here I was again thinking of Justin when Maddi was encouraging me to move on.

A few weeks before the students returned to college the Master called a special staff meeting.

"You may have seen reports of a new virus coming out of Wuhan Province in China, we are keeping an eye on it. The government is talking about closing borders with China, but I can't see it happening. Most of our overseas students are returning in the next few weeks, but it is something we need to monitor. But staff, my other reason for bringing us together is to introduce our new dean, Dr James McAdams who has joined us from interstate."

I had wondered who the new face was around the table. It was hard to gauge an age on James. He looked like he could be in his 40s, but I wouldn't have been surprised if he was in his 30s or 50s. He looked reserved. He had dark foppish hair that he often would flick back and looked like the academic wearing tortoiseshell glasses. What struck me most though were his long fingers, the ring finger on his left hand wearing a plain gold band.

"Good morning everyone," James introduced himself, "I trained in Medicine at the University of Brisbane and did some work in and around there before moving to Sydney and getting more into academia. I completed my PhD looking at non-medical career pathways for MBBS holders and now find myself ensconced in academia working in a non-medical career at college!"

We all laughed politely. The Dean's Cottage was near mine and I made a point of making sure I introduced myself to Mrs McAdams at some stage. We went around the table and introduced ourselves.

"Hi, I'm Charlie, college nurse. One thing though Master, I've been following the Wuhan situation and am going to place some of the handwashing posters I displayed last year at the start of flu season now for returning students- it seems like hand hygiene might be a way of preventing transmission after all."

After the meeting James came to tell me he thought that was a great initiative.

"Thanks James," I smiled, "So you're living in the cottage then? I'll swing by and introduce myself to your wife sometime."

My new colleague froze and played with his wedding ring.

"Um, well, I'm actually not really married anymore, but I still... Never mind." And he rushed off.

Students arrived and I spent the first few weeks patching scrapes from the various fun activities that had been planned. I counselled first year students on alcohol misuse and was part of the panel that gave a talk to all students about consent reminding them that no one could give full and proper consent if they were intoxicated or affected by illicit substances. It was a serious matter in a community of 300 students, most of whom were aged 18-21. A neighbouring college had seen most of its senior staff sacked after three students claimed sexual assaults from other students and also staff. In my mind all the students were my patients and therefore I had a duty of care for them and they were off limits should I see myself considering dating again. I also recognised that a lot of the students didn't date, they just enjoyed a lot of sex.

Maddi still worked at the hospital near me and we tried to catch up most weeks. If Maddi finished night shift, she would call by and we would have breakfast together. Trent was an amazing Dad and would have the kids sorted and at school and childcare at the appropriate times. If she worked a late shift, we would have lunch together.

We were dining together one afternoon before Maddi started work when James came towards me.

"Um, Charli, we need you in our meeting that starts in five, there's cases of Covid-19 in this city now and the college has to act."

When he left Maddi was more interested on who the new person was rather than the information he conveyed. I explained it was James, the new Dean.

"Shame about the ring, Charli, he's on his way to being a silver fox and imagine where those fingers could reach!"

I did not correct my friend about his marriage status but turned the conversation to the virus.

"New Zealand has shut down, we'll be next Charli," Maddi commented as finished our cups of tea and she went to work.

Maddi was not far wrong. At the meeting the Master said he was going to lock the college down. The University had already started moving to online learning and a special study week had been called to enable lecturers to fully transfer.

"At the end of next week students will need to have decided if they are going to be staying at college or moving home." The Master had clearly been planning this. "All staff who can work from home will be doing so from now on and that will include me. James will be the most senior person on campus. I have spoken with Chaplain Brown and he has indicated he will stay. Charli- I need to speak with you though after this please."

I had not considered not being around the College. It was hard as a nurse to manage via Zoom or Skype. Plus, I no longer had a home to go to.

"Um, sorry Master," I replied, "But I've got nowhere else to go and I would not consider leaving the remaining students without a nurse, so I'll be here."

"Thank-you Charli, I simply did not wish to presume."

We had stopped handshaking, but at the end of the meeting I felt like I could use a hug. This was going to be something that was new to all of us. Any students who wished to remain could, but if they left the campus, they would not be allowed back at all. Those remaining would have special rules and the Master had asked that James and I draft these over the next day or two. The meeting delved into a lot of talk about finances which I would not usually be part of, so I spent my time jotting down thoughts on rules. Before we knew it, it was almost 6pm.

"Charli, I'm going to grab my plate of supper and was planning on working on some rules in the dining hall if you'd care to join me." James offered.

I smiled. My father had always referred to dinner as supper too.

"James, most of the students are still oblivious to the seriousness of the situation. That was a long meeting and I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me, but I need a gin and tonic after that marathon! I was going to grab a bowl of salad for dinner, how about you grab your tray and come to my flat and we can work there where it is quieter?"

James agreed and for the first time ever I saw him smile. The lines the smile produced around his eyes showed me that he had smiled a lot at some stage, but this was not a side of James he had shown us since he arrived. We walked together towards the dining room without talking. Maddi was right though; he had some silver streaks appearing through his dark hair.

Walking towards my flat I decided to try some small talk at least and asked James how he was settling in.

"Not bad, not bad." I could see James tensing up again, "It's been a big upheaval the last several months. I like it here though; the people seem friendly."

"They are aren't they!" I replied opening my front door, "I don't have a lot to do with many apart from Julian and yourself, but the students are, mainly, good people. Here, let's sit at the table and eat. Can I interest you in a G&T?"

James readily accepted. We clinked glasses together and I sat and sipped the cool drink.

"I'm so glad you agreed to meeting here James," I explained, "I might get a second drink now! I made a promise to myself only to ever drink one drink alone."

We ate our dinners in quiet. I sensed James was a reserved man and I was not wanting him to share more than he was ready to. I wanted to know about the ring. I had only ever worn my wedding ring and took it off when I started work at the college arguing I needed to set a good example and be bare below the elbows for work as the World Health Organisation had decreed for health workers. There was the exemption of wearing a plain band on one finger, but when I sold the house, I packed my rings in a box with our wedding album. I still displayed photos of my family around my flat, but I hardly had people in there to question things. The former dean, Melody, had been in a few times for dinner the year before and she never asked any questions. I kept a photo of Justin and I on our wedding day next to my bed and even now I said goodnight to Justin before I went to sleep.