Lockdown Love

I explained some of the rules I had thought of and James thought they were great. I did mention that if we were able to test everyone who remained in college then we could be a little less restrictive in our lockdown procedures. James thought this was an excellent idea. It was nice to be collaborating with someone again.

"James, this is going to sound silly, but I'm going to have dinner with my best friend Maddi and her family on Friday night as I don't know when I'll see them again. Do you need to rush interstate to see anyone?"

"You are very wise beyond your years, Charli, but no, I said my farewells when I moved here."

James again had a look of sadness on his face.

"I don't mean to be rude, James but was that a backhanded compliment? You know I'm 33 in a few weeks?"

In January, Maddi and I had made plans to go for a tour of the wineries for my birthday weekend. It looked like that would no longer be happening.

"James, we've made great progress tonight. I'll email these to Julian and let him take it from there. If he wants to talk to us about it then we can have a phone conference or one of these Zooms people keep talking about."

"Thanks, Charli, for the gin and the planning. You are easy to work with." James was again serious.

"I'm scared this is the start, James, we're going to need a wellbeing program for the students and as much as I like Chaplain Brown, I can't see the students wanting to do Bible Studies in their down time! We've got kids from overseas and interstate and they are going to be missing loved ones- we are going to have to think outside the box. But that's for tomorrow! I need to rest. But yes, you are easy to work with too."

James took our dinner trays and told me he would leave them by the kitchen. I washed out our glasses, stocked the fridge with more tonic water and made some fresh ice. It had been nice having someone new to talk with, even if it was work.

Several of the executive of the college student committee were staying in residence. James and I met with them a few days later. I asked them what they were going to miss most about not being about to leave. There was the usual chat about sports and going to the movies. One student told me he was worried about his grandparents. There were jokes about alcohol and Tinder dates and I could see James was a little uncomfortable.

"I'm going to miss my daily runs," I told the residents, "But I was thinking of mapping out a path around the campus- do you think if I put on a daily jog at say 7am people would be interested?"

Several people groaned at the early start. I told them I was prepared to work out a route and map it out if others wanted to use it at other parts of the day. A trivia night via Zoom was planned and several ideas for personal distancing were thought through.

James explained some of the rules we had come up with- bedroom doors were to remain open if more than 2 people were in the room and first years were to be reminded that their rooms being smaller could only hold 2 people maximum at any time.

I could see the students did not know what to make of James yet. Heck, I did not know what to make of him. I was sure he had his secrets, but he had an overall sadness about him that I recognised.

Maddi called me one evening and told me that dinner would be off. They had been asked by the hospital to avoid all non-essential contact with people outside their households. I never wore a uniform at college, but with talks of screening all the students I asked Maddi if she might be able to grab me a set of scrubs and scrounge for any emergency supplies she or Trent might think I might need.

"You know what these kids get up to! Last year I had to send a kid to ED because his new tongue piercing got infected and I didn't have anything to help take it out, so pliers and, oh, I don't know- I will get the College to reimburse you."

Maddi told me she'd meet me after work on Friday, just before we closed our gates.

I sent James a brief email telling him what I had arranged. With less activities and less drinking parties I hoped for less incidents, but I knew we couldn't be too careful. A few minutes after I sent it my phone rang at my desk.

"Charli, it's James," he seemed nervous, "I, um, no, I, well, I no longer hold medical registration so I, um, won't be able to, um, you know, help at all."

"Oh James, I'm sorry, I didn't even think to ask you." I could see how I might have presumed he would be assisting with things in lockdown from my last email. "I know my scope and I will be still sending kids to ED if they need it. I've got a fair assortment of things I have never had to use before- one student last year superglued her fingers together four times!"

"Do you think of them as kids too?" James asked, although the tone sounded more rhetorical.

"Well I know they are young adults and we have no students under 18 this year, but yes, to me I feel a great deal of responsibility to them." I replied, not caring if he was looking for a response.

"You seem to relate so well to them, Charli, and I, well, I get flustered."

"I'm better this year than last year, James!" I laughed, "Last year the football captain really got me worked up. I had no idea how to stop his flirting and simply got flustered around him which egged him on even more."

"Charli, you are an incredibly beautiful woman, I can easily see how that could have happened."

James's words shocked me. I could feel my cheeks filling with colour and I had no idea how to respond.

"Um, wow, um, thanks, I think." I stammered.

"Yes, I, um, must dash. Bye Charli." And James hung up.

I leant back in my chair. Was James McAdams flirting with me?

Scoping out possible running routes was harder than I had thought. I could not have people running through buildings and a lot of the newer buildings were built right on the boundaries of the campus. I knew we could run past the dining hall towards the chapel and around past the quadrangle. It then struck me that if instead of running in front of the dining hall, we could run behind past the Dean's Cottage through the archway to the old music room and then down the cloister towards the quadrangle again.

I set out to map it on my phone. I was simply walking the route, but again my mind drifted to the phone conversation with James. He was a very handsome man, taller than my moderately tall frame. Even in Summer he was wearing long sleeved shirts and ties, but you could tell he had a trim physique. His long fingers intrigued me, especially that ring. Was James grieving as I was?

I did not even notice James ahead of my walk I was so deep in thought.

"Charli?" I had walked straight past James without even noticing him.

"Oh my gosh, James!" I stopped and looked at him and smiled, "I was so lost in thought I did not even notice you, I'm sorry." I reached out and touched his arm.

"Sorry Charli, I asked if you were heading out for a run!"

I explained that I had been mapping out a possible route and had a few more meters until I had finished the circuit.

"I used to run," Back in Brisbane, "I thought it was too hot down here this time of year, but I've just been making excuses. I'll be there at 7am tomorrow."

"We weren't going to start running until Monday," I could see that smile on James's face again and it was contagious. "Perhaps though we need to make sure it is a viable route for a few laps. I think it's about 600m."

"Excellent so perhaps we try for 5 laps then Charli?"

"I'll see if you can keep up with me for 5, but I was aiming for 10 old man!" I joked as I walked away to finish my mapping.

Maddi messaged me as I got back to my office and I met her at the gate. She handed me a box and told me a lot came from Trent's GP practice and she had grabbed a few items from the hospital that were no longer sterile but were going to be donated to a vet or something.

"I can't see why a vet would want 3 pairs of ring snippers though!" Maddi laughed.

We had often laughed at all the disposable equipment that was used nowadays in hospitals. Motioning that I was going to hug Maddi saw her pull back.

"Sorry Charli, but I can't- I've used protective equipment at work today, but I don't know what else I would be exposing to you on my scrubs."

We bumped embows instead and I thought of how this virus was really changing things.

"Don't be a stranger online, Mads, and I don't think I'm going to get to the cemetery, can you..." I was crying again.

"Oh Charli, now I so want to hug you. A lot can change in a month, you know."

I wiped my eyes and apologised for being silly.

"Nicholas's fourth birthday will be noted by his Aunts and Uncles and cousins, as will your birthday my love." Maddi was also crying now.

We bid our farewells and I walked back towards my office still sniffling. I was searching for my office key with the box and bag from Maddi perched precariously on my knee when I lost balance and my parcels fell to the floor.

"Well Fuck, fuck, fuck it and fuck it again for good fucking measure then!" I screamed.

I found my key and turned the lock as I heard what sounded like someone running towards me.

"Charli, are you ok?" A worried looking James asked.

"I'm sorry, James, no one should have heard that, but I just saw Maddi for the last time in who knows how long, and it dawned on me that I'm going be locked-down here for my son's fourth birthday."

James pulled me in for a hug and I burst into tears again. James felt strong and for the first time in a long time I felt safe enough to collapse into someone else's arms. James ushered me into my office and sat down with me on my couch holding my hands One of the residents pushed the box and bag inside my office.

"Thank-you William, can you just close the door please, Charli just needs a moment." James surprised me by knowing the student's name.

"Charli, is there any way you can see your son tonight? Or will you be able to Facetime or Skype or something? I mean, Julian offered for you to leave and if you have a young child then it is perfectly acceptable for you to be away from College- we will survive without you."

This set me off into more tears. James pulled my head into his arms and smoothed over my hair with his hands.

"Oh Charli, the sacrifices you are making to be apart from your family..."

I put my finger to James's lips to quieten him. I finally calmed down enough to talk.

"James, thank-you, but this is a long story." I began.

"I'm switching on the kettle and brewing a pot of tea then." James leant towards my bench with a kettle and flicked the switch, "I saw your collection of teas in here when I started and wanted to come and join you in a brew, it sounds like now is as good a time as any."

James still held my hand only letting go to place the leaves of tea in the pot and pour the water over the top. As he let it brew, he again turned to sit next to me and held my hand.

"When did you last see your son?" He probed.

"Nicholas. He's the baby in the photo on my desk," I said looking at the cherubic face staring back at me from a bath when he was about 4 months old. "He was 8 months old. I came home from night shift. Dad had stayed over to help Justin, my husband with him even though Justin was very capable on his own, they just liked each other's company. I came home and he sent me to bed and said he was dropping Dad home and heading to the market. In the end he went to the market with Dad and Nick and the three of them were crushed by a brick wall that collapsed."

"I remember that incident," James reflected, "Several people were injured too if I recall."

"Mm..." I mumbled, "But my family all died. Nicholas would have turned 4 in a few weeks. I just asked Maddi to go to his grave for me."

"Is it local?" James asked.

"About half an hour away, I suppose." I replied sipping the tea James had poured. It was a very good brew

"Charli, could we go this evening, after we finish our tea?" James asked.

I explained that I did not have a car and tried to give a few reasons, but James was insistent.

"I'll have my phone on me if anything happens here and it sounds like you need to pay your respects before we lock down. We can take my car; it really is no trouble."

I hugged James again sitting next to him on the couch. He too had tears in his eyes. James stood and took our cups to the small sink and washed them. He emptied the leaves from the pot and washed it too. Placing them back where they belonged, he held out his hand for me. I stood and again we embraced in a long hug.

"James you really do give beautiful hugs! I'm going to have to claim some more whilst we are locked down if that's ok. I can sometimes lose it like you witnessed before."

"Hugging you will be no problem, Charli!" James laughed, "Your presence brightens my days more than you can imagine."

James unlocked his car and opened the door for me. On the drive to the cemetery I told James all about Justin-- how we met, what he looked like and basically how happy we were.

"I envy your happiness," James smiled as we stopped at traffic lights.

"I wonder if we hadn't been so happy if my grief would have been any less, but I still can't answer that one." I replied.

We sat in silence for the rest of the trip. As we pulled up, I heard my phone ring and saw it was Julian. "Hi Julian, no, I'm fine, I'm out doing a couple of things now and might pick some things up on the way home, but I'll be great, nothing to worry about. Oh, ok. No, no, I will, don't worry. Yes, yes, I know the signs and I will look out for you. No, of course not! Thanks Julian and you take care. Love to Dr Greenhow too." Julian's wife had always impressed me, especially her research into the history of the university.

As I hung up I thought it had been a weird conversation. I was about to speak to James when his phone rang. I smiled when he showed me it was Julian calling him too.

"Julian, no all's good. Ha! No, I might stop by a shop on the way back and grab some chocolate and tonic water and I'll be set. Yes, she does too, you're right. No, I'll look out for her and yes, I'll um, see if she needs anything too. Thanks mate, love to Marion."

James had a similar puzzled look on his face. "Were you asked to look out for me by any chance?" I asked him.

"Yes, I was told that you like gin and tonics,"

"And chocolate!" I added!

"Well I wasn't sure of that, but I did hope, but Julian was concerned you are a tactile person who may not cope too well with social distancing and he asked me to look out for you."

"That's funny," I replied, "Because you are exhibiting signs of depression and I am to keep a close eye on you too."

"Hmm.." James looked pensive, "I have lived with depression on and off for many years now. I had felt I was in a better place than I have been in the past, but I can see how my moodiness could be perceived as depression."

"Are you coming with me?" I asked as I opened the door to the car.

"If you'd like me to, or I can stay here." James did not look at all uncomfortable about the situation.

I have no idea where it came from, but I told James that I thought I would like him to come with me. His smile showed me I had made a good choice.

"James, I haven't told you everything." I said as we walked towards the grave. "My father is buried with my mother."

"Oh Charli, I'm sorry, I didn't know she had died too."

I explained about my parents strained relationship and my mother's bipolar disorder and addictions and how Dad insisted he be buried with her even though she's been dead for almost 20 years. Justin and I had never talked about burials or anything, but Justin's parents mentioned that they thought under the circumstances having Justin and Nicholas cremated and the urn buried in the same plot as my parents would be appropriate. In my grief I agreed to it, but it is still one of the aspects of the incident that concerns me.

"I still have half my daughter's ashes in an urn in my cottage." James whispered.

"Oh James, I'm sorry, I didn't, well I didn't..."

"Shh.." James said this time placing a finger over my lips, "I haven't told anyone down here. But that's a story for another day."

I knelt at the grave containing my parents' bones and my husband and son's ashes. I suspect Helen had been earlier that day as there were fresh flowers. I never knew what to say so I knelt in silence. It was a peaceful cemetery. Well it was peaceful until the voice came over the loudspeakers reminding everyone that gates would be closing in 15 minutes. I stood and turned to James. My tears had gone and I was gladdened by his smile. James offered me his arm and we linked arms walking back to his car in silence.

We stopped at a large bottle shop near the college. There were a few students in there who I recognised. James recognised a couple too and I laughed when I heard him tell Jackson Thomas that he had better not be planning to drink a whole bottle of rum that night.

James grabbed a trolley and I wondered how much alcohol he was going to get!

"I thought if we grabbed a case of tonic water each and a bottle or two of gin we should be set" James was so matter of fact.

We both liked the same tonic water but grabbed different bottles of gin.

"These two are very nice," James told me.

"I know, but I haven't tried these ones yet!" I replied.

We laughed and made our way to the registers.

"Separate or together?" the register operator asked.

"Separate." I replied placing my bottles on the desk and asking her to scan one of the cartons of tonic water.

"Yeah, lots of couples are getting around the restrictions by splitting their purchases." She replied as she scanned the gin.

"Oh, no we're colleagues, we're not a couple!" I replied looking horrified.

She looked at James as she scanned his items and as she handed him his receipt said "Maybe not yet!" with a smirk.

I really was mortified at her final comments and was surprised to see James smiling.

"That was bloody embarrassing, I'm sorry James but some people have no idea."

James just smiled.

"Charli, we've missed dinner, but I have things in my pantry to whip you up a bowl of pasta if you're hungry?"

I thanked James for the offer as we drove back into the college gates that would soon be locked but told him I really needed some alone time.

"Well I'll see you at 7 then. And Charli, thank you for sharing this evening with me. These secrets are ours now and I won't share them."

I thanked James with a kiss on the cheek as he carried a case of tonic water into my flat.

Food was the last thing I wanted. I rang Maddi and told her what had happened and that James had told me he was no longer married but I did not know the full story yet.

"And then the bloody bitch in the bottle-o said 'Maybe not yet' or something, I mean, what did she mean? Did she not see the bloody ring on his finger?"

"Charli, you sound angry. Is it the lady in the bottle-o, or is it Justin and Nick or is it you you're angry with?"

"What do you mean, Mads?" I replied knowing full well what she meant.

"My brother would not have wanted you to wallow, Charli, you know that. Put yourself in his shoes. If you'd been at the market and he'd been home sleeping would he still be alone?"

"Of course not, because once you're gone you're gone. You know I don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation or any other mumbo jumbo."

"Well Charli to my parents especially, but not necessarily to me, it's not mumbo jumbo and it helps them."

"So, if your Dad dropped dead tomorrow, your mum would find someone else next week then, Mads?" I could feel my anger rising.

"My Mum isn't in her early 30s Charli. Your Dad could never get over your Mum despite what she did to him, but blind Freddy could see he was lonely which is why he loved spending time with you all."