Lockdown Love

I knew my best friend could see straight through me.

"But why James, Maddi?"

"Oh Charli!" Maddi laughed, "He seems amazing, sure he may have those broody eyes but they're very Mr Darcy! Actually, he'd give Colin Firth a run for his money in the looks department too! Just make sure he is no longer married before you jump into things."

I was laughing by now. Despite the kindness James had shown me that afternoon and the hugs and touches we had shared I had not considered a possible romantic relationship with him.

Sleep came surprisingly well to me that night. I was glad I had set an alarm for 6:45 as it woke me reminding me of my running date. Date? Was it a date? I tried to push these thoughts from my mind. I slipped on some knee length running shorts and my crop top and tied my hair behind me in a ponytail that I poked through my running cap.

James was already outside my flat when I came out just before 7.

"I haven't had a tea so it's best you don't talk until I wake up after a few laps!" I joked.

"Good Morning Charli," James laughed, "You look awake to me, but I will heed your warning!"

James looked amazing in running gear. He had on short shorts that showed his lean legs and accentuated his bum. I had never noticed his bum before, but I'm sure Maddi would argue I had never noticed much about him before. His running singlet exposed very well-formed upper arm and shoulder muscles which did not surprise me from our hugs the previous day.

On our third lap we encountered Jackson on his way to breakfast.

"So are you two a couple then? I mean last night and then this morning-- people will talk!"

"Jackson," James yelled, "Enough of that now drop and give me 10!"

I laughed as Jackson did indeed drop and start his push-ups!

"Were you a sports master in a previous life?" I asked James as we turned past the chapel.

"No!" James laughed, "But I did coach some athletics for a bit!"

We finished 6 laps and neither of us were breaking much of a sweat. I decided it was time I pushed myself a bit harder. James stayed with me keeping pace with me. At this pace I could not talk.

After 8 laps, James slowed. "OK woman, you've made your point and yes, I am out of practice."

"I'd be happy to jog the last 2 if you can still keep up with me old man."

"And enough of the old man shit, I'm only slightly older than you!"

I left the last comment and we continued our run. It only dawned on me at the end that we were indeed now in full lockdown.

"How many of us are on site?" I asked James as we finished the last lap.

"179," he replied, "That's how many have signed in before the gates closed, but we will take a full census this morning- that's my job! But first-- tea!"

Many of the residents were used to seeing me in the dining hall post a run in the morning.

"Miss, you haven't been out for a run, have you?" A concerned Marianne asked.

"I have been checking out the route I mapped around college with the Dean this morning, Marianne, and please, call me Charli! You aren't at school anymore!"

"How did he go, Charli?" Jackson asked with a grin on his face.

"He had trouble keeping up, Jackson, but he refused to give up and I do like perseverance as a quality." I smiled and saw James blush.

"Good to see you at breakfast, Dean, I thought you always slept in!" William, who had helped with my boxes the day before quipped.

"Thanks for helping yesterday, Will, the ramifications of not being able to leave and come back hit me hard." I explained.

"All good, Charli." Will replied.

James and I sat in a far corner.

"You banter so well with them, Charli, how did you learn?" James asked.

"I made sure I came to breakfast- it's when their guard is most down as you may have noticed." I replied spooning some muesli into my mouth. "The first years, like Marianne, need constant reminding they aren't in school anymore. The second years, like Will, need encouraging because it seems their uni days are dragging on and the third years like Jackson need push-ups as you have discovered!"

James laughed at my assessment.

"I'm almost dreading this census, Charli." James looked perturbed again.

"Take the Chaplain with you. Start at the first-year rooms and word will get around. If a third year has a door open check their wardrobes- Jackson and his mates will try and pull swifties. Remind him that whoever is in bed with him, and they all think it's funny to pretend it is another male student, has to be there for the entire lockdown there's no changing partners!"

James was laughing. I had honestly never seen him like this in any of the meetings I'd had with him. We finished our breakfast and I told James I was off to make a nicer cup of tea in my flat.

"I'd love to come with you for one, but I do need to shower and get ready for this census, but Charli," James looked very nervous, "Please come by my cottage this afternoon for a gin."

'That sounds lovely," I replied with a smile eliciting another smile from James.

I waited until 3 before I knocked tentatively on his door. I wore a blue sundress that buttoned down the front and ended just above my knees. It was fitting for the weather and I hoped appropriate for a drink with a friend.

"Charli!" James exclaimed, "Come in, come in!"

I had brought one of the new gins to try and James seemed excited. The cottage looked totally different to when Melody lived there the year before. James had two leather lounges in the living area with a drop-down table and chairs behind one he could set up as a dining table. There were some beautiful paintings on the wall, mainly still life images of flowers and fruit.

"So how was census, Dean?" I asked feigning professionalism.

"182 including the chaplain, you and me, oh and Simon Thomson was soon out of Jackson's room when I mentioned they would be together for the entire lockdown!"

We both laughed hysterically; it was lovely seeing James's face light up.

"Thank-you for your suggestions, Charli, they really helped, and the chaplain was more than willing to help."

I sipped the gin and tonic that was placed in my hand.

"Now that's a nice drop! Which gin was it again?" I asked.

James laughed and it took him a few seconds to compose himself.

"It was the Four Pillars that I bought that you told me you had already tried!"

"Well I didn't say they weren't any good, did I?" And I laughed too.

We sat and sipped our drinks in silence for a while.

"Charli, I'm not sure if you've noticed," James swirled the ice in his glass, "But you are the only person I don't call by their full given name."

I thought about it and how William was always Will and Jackson was often Jack, but never to James.

"My daughter was called Charlotte." James had a tear escaping down his cheek.

"It's OK, James," I said placing my hand on his arm, "You don't need to explain."

James wanted to explain. He told me he met his wife at uni. He was third year medicine; she was an arts student who had no idea what she wanted to be. She graduated and they moved in together, much to her parents' embarrassment. She got a job as a legal secretary at her father's firm and seemed to enjoy it, however a few months in she discovered she was pregnant.

"We always used precautions, but a condom had broken a few weeks beforehand and she told me that it would be fine." James explained.

James went on to tell me that he told her he would support her through a termination if that's what she wanted, but she knew her parents would never forgive her if she had an abortion. Instead they insisted the pair marry. James explained he was 22 and looking at three more years at university and then further training and marriage and a baby had not entered the equation, but he agreed to believing he needed to take responsibility. Alison, his then wife, did not like being tied down either.

One of the sweeteners from her parents was a wedding gift of a townhouse complete with swimming pool. This was welcomed in the Brisbane heat James explained. Alison did not like being a mother. She wanted to return to work, but her parents insisted she stay and raise the baby and gave us an allowance until I graduated. Charlotte was a beautiful baby. I did not regret having her at all. She slept like an angel and barely cried.

"Did she have post-natal depression?" I asked James.

"No, she was just indifferent to motherhood. I'd come home and Charlotte would be still in the same nappy from the morning. If she cried, Alison stuck a bottle or dummy in her mouth."

James started crying. I loved closer to him and placed an arm around his shoulder as he had done for me yesterday.

James explained that Alison started drinking claiming her parents always shared a bottle of wine with dinner so they should too, but she would have a few glasses of scotch too.

"I did not want to admit she had a problem," cried James, "Because she was lovely when she was drunk- she was quiet and caring."

I let James cry a little more, stroking his head that he had laid in my lap.

"I was working in ED and it was my first year out of uni and they said they were bringing in a toddler who had drowned in a backyard pool. It was Charlotte. Alison had gone inside to get another drink and left a 3-year-old by the water. She can't tell how long she was gone but she told the ambulance officers less than a minute. I suspect it was much longer."

James again needed time to cry for a while.

"Standing there watching them do CPR on my baby girl as she lay lifeless was horrible. Police brought Alison in and she reeked of alcohol. After around half an hour they finally found a pulse and sent my baby to the ICU. She had been down for over 40 minutes and I knew that was not good. I wanted to tell them to stop before, but they wouldn't. I suspect if it hadn't been a colleague's child they would have."

I could see where this was heading.

"Charlotte had a hypoxic brain injury, didn't she?" I asked as gently as I could. James just nodded. I remembered one of my worst shifts in ED when I tried to comfort parents as my colleagues attempted to resuscitate their child who had also been found in a backyard pool. At one stage I had to explain that their son's brain had been so starved of oxygen that it was unlikely that even if the doctors did manage to resuscitate him now, he would ever lead any semblance of a normal life.

"I sat by Charlotte's cot for weeks. She had enough neurological function that she was not brain dead. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. And on top of it all, Alison kept partying."

I was crying now thinking how life was not fair. James explained that eventually Charlotte opened her eyes, but only ever gave vacant stares. She had no muscle control and required a wheelchair. They inserted a line into her stomach to feed her as she could not swallow.

"What about your parents?" I asked still stroking James's hair

"I never knew my father- he was gone soon after I was born. Mum never bothered adding his name to my birth certificate. Mum is a feminist academic and travels the world now. She helped a bit, but we have a strained relationship. She pushed me to get into medicine when I never really wanted to do that in the first place. She helped a bit with Charlotte, but she was never a very hands-on mother."

We sat in silence for a while. Eventually James sat and looked at me and smiled.

"We need another drink; I think there's holes in our glasses!" He joked.

I stood and stretched. There was a photo of a girl in a wheelchair with a balloon tied to her arm. Her eyes looked kind and I thought I saw a smile.

"That's my Charlotte." James said passing me another drink.

"She looks like she's smiling, James; she looks happy." I commented.

"That was at the Brisbane Ekka or Show when she was 9." James said picking up the frame and looking at it, "I thought she was smiling too."

"Did you care for her?" I asked taking a sip of a very strong G&T.

"I tried at first. Alison's parents blamed me as if somehow I had made Alison an alcoholic." James again indicated for me to sit.

"She's beautiful, James" I said looking again at the photo that James had placed on the table in front of us, "She's got your dark wavy hair and your nose."

James gave me a squeeze of my shoulders as he draped his hand behind me on the couch. I felt comfortable sitting so close to him. James explained he looked after her for 18 months after she came out of hospital with the help of a part-time carer. Alison had moved back with her parents but would visit occasionally. After 18 months James described that he was burnt out. He was living off government benefits and had no social life. His friends from medical school had all moved on. He was the sole parent of a child with a severe disability.

I could only imagine how hard it was on James but gave him absolute credit for caring for Charlotte.

"So, you and Alison just drifted apart then?" I probed.

"Well," James chuckled, "Charlotte was taken into full-time care when she was 5. I reached out to Alison thinking perhaps we could work on our marriage and perhaps see where it would go. She came around one night and I had gone all out- cooked her favourite dishes, set the table with candles, bought her flowers. She turned up drunk. I purposefully didn't have any alcohol in the house, but she went looking."

James paused and sipped his drink. "She came and sat on my knee and started stroking her finger around my face. She started planting kisses around my face, on my neck and trailed down my shirt. She undid my zip and asked me what it would take for me to go and grab a bottle of wine like she wanted. I was frozen. It had been years since she had initiated any form of sexual contact. One thing led to another and soon we were in bed. I remember her saying 'Jamie, fuck me like you did when we made Charlotte.' But I had to stop, I just couldn't carry on."

James was shaking his head and I could see he was not happy relaying this story.

"Alison sounds very manipulative," I suggested.

"Yeah," James mused, "She manipulated me into sex and gave me gonorrhoea!"

"Ouch" I said.

"Yeah, I had to go for a medical for some insurance and when the test came back positive the doctor asked me who else part from my wife, I had been having sex with. When I told her, I had only ever had the one sexual partner in my life her response was, well she obviously hasn't then."

James explained that again Alison's parents blamed him and accused him of sleeping around. "That's the funny thing from all this-- as I left her parents' home, I took a swing at the brick wall in pure frustration and broke three fingers on my left hand and since then I've never been able to get the bloody ring off."

I was holding James's right hand and stroking it and I could sense him fiddling with his ring with his thumb of his left hand.

We talked a lot more. James explained he had always wanted to be a teacher and one of the lecturers at the medical school got him to do some tutoring which he enjoyed. This led to a masters degree which lead to a PhD.

"But James, you are a good-looking man, surely you have had other women interested in you?" I probed.

"That's been one of the benefits of the bloody ring- I've been able to ignore advances from other women!" James laughed, "Oh and Alison has still held it over me- she has always refused to sign divorce papers telling me that until I removed the ring. Everything was just too much hassle."

"You mentioned Charlotte died..." I started, "But if you don't want to talk about it, I totally understand."

"You are an incredible woman, Charli," James said staring deep into my eyes, "Can I just have a break from my woes though? Why Charli- were you always called by this nickname?"

It was my turn to laugh. I explained that when my mother was having a manic phase when I was about 8, she had brought a boyfriend home to Dad's house and introduced me as 'Charlotte the harlot.'

"'My name is Charli!' I remember screaming at her before running to my room. From then on, I have always been Charli, so much so I've considered changing my name by deed poll."

"You don't strike me as a harlot!" James teased.

"Considering I've only ever had one lover..." I trailed off and James again squeezed my shoulders. "Don't get me wrong, I miss sex sometimes." I could feel the effects of the second much stronger gin kicking in. "Maddi suggested I hook up with a guy at a bar or even one of the senior students last year at their valedictory party, but that's not me. Sex is more about intimacy and sharing something special with someone."

"Wow, um," James was obviously flustered, "Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"

I apologised for bringing up sex and could feel the blood rushing to my face. I tried to stand thinking I would leave, but James held me close.

"I honestly don't know if I've ever had good sex." James offered. "I mean, the best sex of my life was the night Alison screwed me and gave me the clap, but that was hate and vengeance and anger, it wasn't love and of course I stopped half way through realising this."

"Were you planning on dining in hall tonight?" I asked looking at James's watch and seeing it was 6pm.

"No, but I was going to cook you pasta if you're up for it." James offered.

"That sounds lovely," I replied in all honesty, "But please don't think I'm here to jump your bones, I mean you are incredibly attractive and sitting here with you has been the most intimate thing I have done with anyone in years, but I don't think I'm ready yet."

"Charli," James said pulling me to my feet and drawing me in for a hug, "I don't think either of us are there, don't worry. I am enjoying getting to know you outside of work though."

I was amazed at what an amazing meal James prepared. He looked at home in the kitchen. After dinner James made a pot of tea and we again retired to the couch. We sat in silence for a while.

"Charlotte was 12 and developed pneumonia." James explained, "I had been visiting her most days still and saw she was unwell. Her carers offered to take her to the doctor, but I took her to ED. They told me she had severe compaction in her lungs and whilst they could possibly help with a lot of chest physio and antibiotics, they asked me if that was what I wanted."

"Oh shit, James," I blurted, "No parent should be asked that question."

"I rang Alison," James was shaking his head, "I told her our daughter was dying and she asked me how I knew she was my daughter. It was the most hurtful thing she could have asked. She told me she was too busy, but suggested I call her parents. I did and they both came in. I knew the doctor and explained the situation, but I should not have been allowed to make that decision alone."

"To me it sounds like you made a decision in Charlotte's best interest," I explained, again lying his head on my lap and stroking it as he cried.

"Deep down her parents knew this too and made no attempt to stop me." James rationalised, "I can still hear her mother's voice outside the room screaming down the phone for Alison to come and say goodbye to her daughter."

"Did her carers come to say goodbye?" I asked.

"Yes, and it was lovely, they sang songs to her and Sonia, one of her favourites was there when she died along with her grandfather and me."

"Did Alison make it?" I probed.

"No," James laughed, "And her father actually apologised to me after Charlotte died and told me I was a saint for putting up with what I had."

"But she still took half the ashes though?" I queried.

"Wrong again, Charli," James was shaking his head. "She asked for them and has never collected them which is why I still have them. Her parents refused them. The other half I scattered at her care home where there is a plaque in her memory."