Lori a Fresh Start and a New Love

She opened her arms and we hugged. "Fuck, I can't believe it. I'm in a band with Marylyn, and I didn't even know." Her cynical giggle echoed around the dark street.

"No sweetie, you're in a band with Lori. That's my real name. Marylyn was just a stupid stage name they talked me into using."

"What did the sleazy guy want?"

"Who, Marty? I think he's interested in talking a deal of some sort. I think he wants to record you?"

"Me... Don't you mean us?"

"Tina, the songs are yours. I don't want my history to fuck that up. I told him, he needs to focus on you."

She looked horrified. "No way babe. It's all or nothing. You and me together."

Standing, and pulling her up, I dragged her along behind me. "He said he's got some good weed. If we want to talk to him, he wants to talk to us."

"The smoke sounds good, maybe we should talk to him?"

"Couldn't hurt. We can always say no... right?"

As we walked back, she said. "No more secrets. We have to be honest with each other."

"Yeah, all right."

"What other skeletons have you got rattling around your closet?" she said, half jokingly, but there was serious intent lurking behind the laughter.

Taking a deep breath for courage, I blurted out, stuttering to get through it, "Funny you mention closet, although I came out of mine a long time ago. I'm gay." It was true, I had long since come to understand who I was, at least sexually. Expressing that to Tina somehow made me feel uncomfortable.

"What... No fucking way. I saw you with men all the time."

"True, I suppose I could have said bisexual. The truth is, I'm gay. I slept with men on many occasions. Some because I had to, and some because I didn't really know who I was. Now I know, and yeah in the future, that might change, who knows. I have always been attracted to women, and since coming to that realisation, I accept that's just who I am."

"Fuck, what a night. Anything else I should know about?"

"Yes, I suppose you should know. I don't like asparagus."

"What?" she spluttered in mock horror. "That's it. I can't be seen hanging with somebody who hates asparagus."

We staggered into Kath's place, and they were still up. "Well?" she asked inquisitively. "How did it go?"

I grimaced a little, but Tina couldn't hold it in. "The gig was awesome, the crowd was fantastic, and they liked us. The big surprise came afterwards. Do you know I'm in a band with Marylyn?"

Kath laughed loudly. "You didn't know?"

Tina looked as dumbstruck as me. "You knew?"

"Course I bloody knew. For Pete's sake, we all saw it. The question is, why didn't you want anybody to know, Lori?"

Tina made us coffee, while I went over the whole sordid saga again. They all listened intently as I relayed my tale of woe.

As always, the guilt came back, and this time, I couldn't hold back the tears. Kath jumped out of her chair and wrapped me in her arms. "Whoa, chill babe. Fuck, we've all done shit we're not proud of. Nobody's perfect."

Tina joined and the three of us stood in the little circle hugging. "Kath's right, Lori. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We love you, it's them who should be embarrassed. They used you, and then cast you off when you needed support the most."

Sitting with our coffees laced with whiskey, Kath asked, "What happened with the sleazy dude?"

"He wants to record us, and started talking about recording deals and stuff. He seems pretty excited, actually."

"Wow, what did you say?"

Tina glanced at me before replying. "Lori said we'd think about it and we walked away."

"Holy shit, you walked away... Why?"

"Because, he was low balling us. He was playing on what he knows about my financial position and Tina's lack of experience. I do sense he's interested, but he's gonna have to bring his offer up a long way before I'll jump into that."

Tina added, "He wants to play on Maylyn's name, as well."

"That's the part I don't like," I hissed uncomfortably. "I was hoping to leave Marylyn dead and buried."

Kath shrugged, "Nah, I can see why he would want to. There's still a huge crowd of us old fans out there. We all wondered what happened."

That night, drunk and giggly we climbed into our beds. We talked a little before Tina said, "If you're gay, do you like me?"

"What..."

"Do you think of me like that, you know, do yah fancy me? Is that why you helped me?"

"I haven't helped you. It's the other way around. You gave me hope, dragged me out of my self imposed prison. Made me take a look at myself. I love you because you're my best mate. Don't worry, your cute little tushie is safe."

She giggled, the alcohol clearly in charge. "You think I've got a cute arse?"

"Stop right there. You know you do. Stop trying to garner compliments."

"I was more wondering why you never tried to kiss me, or something? Don't yah think I'm sexy enough?"

"Piss off, girl. You're the sexiest chick I know. You're my friend, and I would never do anything to jeopardise that."

"You do think I'm sexy though... Right?" she said with a flirtatious giggle.

"Yeah, you're a cutie, but like I said, we're mates."

With the weekends gigs all finished, it was time to head home. With the old Toyota packed, we did a little shopping and headed south. "Do you think he will call?" Tina asked, her voice tinged with a concerned curiosity.

"Yeah, I think so. I haven't seen Marty for a long time, and he's changed. I think he was more interested than you think. We'll know in a couple of weeks."

She nodded, but her face looked wistful, disconcerted. "Until meeting him, I hadn't thought about recording or anything. Now I'm really interested. Does that make me sound egotistical?"

"Don't be daft. Everybody in your position would feel the same way. Shit, even I'm feeling a little energised, uplifted. I know I shouldn't. I have been down this road before. They want everything to go their way. We have to make sure we get what we want out of it."

"What do you want?" She asked.

"In a strange way, I cut my self off from the music industry because it's full of arseholes. Deep down, I know how good your songs are, and I want to see that you get the acclaim you deserve. Some money would be nice. I have things I'd like to do to the property."

"You'd still live on the farm, even if it took off?"

"Yes, definitely. That's one merry-go-round I don't want to get back on."

"Would you think badly of me if I did?"

"Oh, hell no girl. You ride that beast for all it's worth. If fame and fortune is what you want from it, then you chase it hard. I'm not looking for that, but if you are, then go for it. Don't hold back. All I say is, go into it with your eyes open."

"I couldn't do it without you, Lori. I couldn't have got through the other night without you."

"Tina, if they want you, you won't be alone on stage. You'll have a band, back up singers, a manager. You will have plenty of support."

"Yeah, but they aren't you. I'm being serious. I need you up there with me."

"Let's wait and see, aye? The worst thing right now is to let expectation build up inside you."

Back on the farm, we tried to go about our usual business. God knows how many rocks I picked up, but the entrance way rock wall was over four feet high. I mean, it looked great, but my back ached like nothing on earth. Tina was worse than me; she walked around in a daze, and by Thursday, she had given up all hope.

"I guess they weren't interested after all," she muttered disconsolately.

"Tina, shush," I said giving her a comforting hug. "This is the game they play. They know that we're interested. They are letting our own desires drive our interest levels. They're banking on the fact we are beginning to feel like we missed out. They'll come in with a low offer and hope we jump at it."

"Do you really think so?" She sighed, her despondency showing through.

"Tina, you have to trust me. I know it feels like forever, but its only been a few days. As much as Marty likes to play the big shot, he's not the only one who makes the decisions. He has to float this past his partners."

There was no lifting her spirits; she was down in the dumps and nothing I could say or do lifted her up.

We enjoyed a big fat doobie and reflected on the colour of the sky as we watched clouds drifting lazily across the sky.

That was one of the benefits of having a big garden... Pot, as far as drugs went, that was my one exception. It allowed me to be calm when I needed it, and to sleep well.

With time on our hands, Tina wanted to include more of my old songs in our usual repertoire. We had a gig on Friday night at the Cossy Club in Stratford, the Empire hotel Saturday, and finishing off with a Sunday sesh at the Cossy Club in Taumarunui. It was another full weekend of travel and performing.

At least it gave Tina a focus, and actually lifted her morale. The gigs were great, as usual, and the requests for recordings or streaming were growing with every performance.

That became the topic of conversation on the drive home. "Lori, maybe we should try to record an album ourselves?"

"Yeah, sounds like a great idea. Every week the requests are getting harder to say no to. There are independent studio's that cater to artists like us. In fact, I can think of one in particular. It would mean spending time in Auckland for a week or so."

"Can we afford it though?" She replied despndently.

"Tina, I have about three pounds of pretty nice buds stored away. I was going to save it for a rainy day, but maybe this is the way we should go. Maintain control, forget record deals and remain independent?"

"But that's your nest egg. I don't have much to put into it."

Sliding my hand into hers, I gave it a little squeeze and replied. "You are putting everything in. They are mostly your songs. By rights, all the royalties should be yours."

"No way," she scoffed. "No bloody way in the world. We either do it together, or it won't happen."

"Tina, don't say that, okay? The royalties from those songs are yours, and you have to protect them at all costs. I made the stupid mistake of selling mine to the record label. Today they would still be making me money. They knew what they were doing and twisted me around their finger. Never ever lose control of your royalties."

"But we're friends, and they would never get recorded if it wasn't for you."

"Forget that, we can come to an arrangement financially. You don't realise it, but you have to protect your property."

The rest of the drive disappeared quickly as we talked over plans. We made the decision to finish off the gigs we had booked for the next month. That would give me time to organise a buyer for the weed and search out some old friends in the recording business.

The weed turned out to be easier than I ever imagined. The harder part was tracking down a suitable studio. I built up relationships with a lot of people in the recording industry. A lot changes on seven years. People tend to move around in this field. Technicians I was hoping to find had moved. New heads at some studios and I was wondering whether I could actually make my promise come true.

I finally found an old friend working at an independent setup in Auckland. He was surprised to hear from me, but wasn't cold. When I said I was working with a girl and we had songs we wanted to record, he asked, "What re we talking about, Marylyn? A demo, or the real deal?"

"It's a full on album, all original, all finished and ready to go. No writing or mucking about."

"How many musos you talking about?"

"Five maybe. I haven't roped in anybody else yet. At the mo, it's just Tina and me. I would like a drummer though, and definitely a bass player."

"I have mates I could rope in," he suggested.

"No thanks, Ben. I do have some friends left. I was hoping to get Marla to play bass and Amber for drums."

"Fuck, you always want the best. That'll be expensive. They're in demand, those two."

"I haven't spoken to them yet. I may be dreaming. How much for the studio time and an engineer?"

"We could do a day by day hire rate, say a hundred bucks a day and an extra one fifty for me...

"You," I blustered. "Since when are you a sound engineer?"

"I may not be a qualified engineer, but we both know if that's what you want, you can add another two hundred for that."

"Yeah, I suppose. I can do most of it, anyway."

He laughed. "Fuck, you are just as big of a bitch as always. If you give me a chance you might get a shock. I've learned a lot since the last time we worked together."

"Ben, I'm happy to give anybody a chance. The last time we worked together you were the gopher, and if I remember right, you were hammered every day."

"Yeah, and you were fucking so far out of it I doubt you can remember. Come on, babe, you were a fucking addict. Couldn't go for an hour without something to get you through."

"Fair comment. I'm clean now. Haven't touched smack since I got out."

"Good for you. I never did heavy drugs. I like a smoke and a drink. Give me a chance, Marylyn."

"Ben, my name is Lori. Marylyn was just a stage name. When will you have some free time?"

I could hear him flipping through what must have been his diary.

"What about the sixth of next month. Can I pencil in two weeks?"

"Yeah, use a light pencil though. I have to get everything together first. You wouldn't have a contact number for Marla and Amber?"

"Yeah, I think I can dig them out. I'll text them to you. Do you need accommodation?"

"Do you have something in mind?"

"Yeah, I have a suggestion. You might not like it, but Tabitha has a big old place out in Manukau. She will look after you."

"You gotta be kidding. I doubt she'd even talk to me."

"She always loved you, girl, even after all that shit went down. She loves you, and don't you forget it."

"Is she straight? As in clean?"

"She's been clean for a few years. You need somewhere to stay, she'll look after you."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Ben. I'll give her a call. Don't forget to text me those numbers."

There were some other calls, as well. I couldn't help but feel dubious about Ben. Without a lot of other workable options, I decided he would have to do.

Tina appeared a little later. "How did the phone calls go? That phone of yours must be nearly melting?"

I laughed along with her joke, but it was a little serious. "Okay, Tina. I have found us a studio that we can use, and possibly some accommodation. I haven't been able to sort out musicians yet, but figure we'll sort that out up there. Are you still prepared to go?"

"God yes, since talking to what's his face from the record company, I am really stoked. I mean, it would be choice if they wanted to do it, but if not, I think we can do it ourselves. Well, you can. I trust you."

"Sweet, then lets get packed. I have booked us a couple of gigs along the way. We may as well earn some spending money along the way.

The trip north took longer than planned. With gigs piling up, we played in Te Kuiti, Otorohanga, Te Awamutu, Hamilton, even a really cool gig at the Rangiriri Pub for a really boisterous Sunday session. We may not have been playing modern music, but people were connecting, and enjoying.

I was nervous about Auckland. Out in the sticks, New Zealand is a different world. Classic rock stations rule. Auckland is a different animal, with a huge Pacifica influence. Hiphop and rap were king. Could we cut it? I guess we were about to find out.

Nearing Auckland, I had to warn Tina. "Sweets, not sure what to expect at Tabitha's. We used to be best mates, but she sort of got burned when I went off the rails."

"If you were friends, surely she will have forgiven you?"

"We were closer than friends."

"Oh shit, you mean like lovers?"

Laughing loudly at her blushing face, I replied, "Yeah, you could say that. We were partners, in business as well. We owned a record shop. I took most of the cash and ran off."

"Oh my god, you bitch," Tina looked horrified. "She was your friend."

I nodded, accepting her anger. "Yeah, I fucked up a lot of very dear relationships. Rule number two. Never trust a junkie."

She shook her head in dissatisfaction. "What's rule number one?"

"The world's not fair. Expect nothing."

"Wow, Lori, you have a very dark view of the world. We have been having so much fun. I love the other Lori, the one that's there when I need help, the loving one, the positive one."

"That's who I'm trying to be. I hope that's the real me. I wanted to warn you because some of the first greetings might not be warm."

"I'm starting to get a feel for that. If you're worried about meeting with Tabitha, maybe we should find somewhere else to stay? With the extra gigs we did, we have more money than we thought."

"No, I want to meet Tabs. I need to make things right with her. I owe her, and over time I hope to be able to pay her back."

We pulled into the drive way of the address Ben gave me. It was a big old two story villa. Tabs was obviously running it as a B&B.

Climbing out of the Surf, I said, "Okay, here we go. Brace yourself."

We walked into the reception room, and I rang the bell. Tabs walked out, still dressed in her shabby gypsy bohemian style, her hair braided, long and black, tied up in a colourful scarf.

"How can I help?" she asked. Clearly she hadn't recognised me.

"We'd like a room please Tab." Her eyes hooded over into a deep scowl, recollections, memories obviously triggered by my voice.

"Well, fuck me. Look who the cat dragged in." She stood hands on hips staring. Her eyes angry. "When did you get out?"

"A couple of years ago."

"Christ, you're a brazen bitch. Walking in here bold as fucking brass. Like you fucking own the place."

"Yeah, I should have called first. Sorry for arriving unannounced."

"Two years, and you couldn't even call me. Would it have killed yah?"

"I'm sorry, Tabs. When I got out I was messed up. There's more drugs on the inside, and they're shit as well. I needed to cut myself off from everybody. I went cold turkey."

She shook her head in disgust. "Two years, Marylyn, you could have called. You could have stayed here with me."

"I thought you'd hate me."

"God, I fucking do. I really do. I bloody well love you, though. You must know that." She opened her arms and I walked around the counter into her warm embrace. We stayed like that, swaying peacefully, our cheeks wet with tears.

In the end, she pulled away, wiping her eyes furiously. "Look what you did to me. Fuck, girl. That makeup was fresh on."

I laughed. "You don't need makeup. You have always been a natural beauty. You're fucking gorgeous and you know it."

She laughed. "Bloody flattering bitch. That won't get yah a discount, yah know?"

Waving my arms in the air in a gesture of defiance, I said, "I was just telling the truth. You look amazing, you've lost a bit of weight, though. Now you really do look like a waifish Gypsy."

"Hah, you can talk. It's been a long time since you looked so... so... fresh."

"Getting off the drug train helped. Shit, I feel a million times better. I'm not falling into that trap again."

"Good on yah, girl. I'm glad to hear that." She glanced at Tina suspiciously, "And who do we have here?"

"Tabitha, this is Tina. She's my friend. We're playing music together as a duo. Tina, this is Tab, she's probably my best, certainly my longest standing friend."

Tab reached out her hand. "Hi Tina, nice to meet you."

Tina smiled as they shook hands. "Thanks, Lori told me so much about you. I feel like we're already friends."

Tab glanced at me, "Lori..."

"Yeah, Marylyn is dead. She was a nasty horrible bitch. To start again. I needed to ditch her. I'm using my real name these days."

"Yeah, you got that right. You were an evil bitch. Made it hard to love you."

I slipped back into her arms, and kissed her. Not a passionate lovers kiss, the kiss of a deep loving friend who needed to atone. She held me close, and it made me feel good having her in my arms.