Losing Everything to Science

"For all the crude and illogical reasons you can imagine, I just needed him to Take Me, so that I could completely surrender myself. I needed the strength and dominance of his Maleness to overwhelm the Woman in me. I needed to feel him, smell him, taste him. I needed to be overwhelmed. Needed to surrender everything to deep and indescribable within me."

"Likewise, I needed to know I was not alone in my desperation. I needed to feel equally desired. I needed to feel and see an intensity in him that, more than anything in the world at that moment, he needed ME. That he too had abandoned all control and that his whole being was willing to forsake everything, to be a part of me. To Take me in the most primitive way possible! Like he was drowning. I needed to feel that power within me, and over me!"

"I can't explain the raw, elemental urges that I felt. It defies every rational explanation. There was no logic about it. Just instinct, driving me to my most basic needs as a woman. The parts of me that are uniquely female, taking center stage."

"I know I'm probably not making much sense. I don't even fully understand what I'm trying to describe. There are no words that adequately describe the feeling. But I was in a desperate state of Need and had willingly abandoned any pretext that my life, up until that point, had been able to satisfy it."

"And there before me, in that moment of lucidity, was the solution to my desperation. It wasn't Dom per se, as a person, but rather his Being with all of his raw Male power, that I greedily consumed to complete me. I don't want to sound vulgar, but I NEEDED him to Take me. To fill me.... with his life force. I needed to be unable to control the situation, thereby excusing me from even trying. To fulfill those deep fundamental forces that make Men and Women necessary compliments to one another. At that moment, my entire being and destiny drove me to be his Woman, taking and giving of myself without any limitations! The only way I could achieve this was with a proverbial 'blank slate'. I was escaping my existence....and you are my existence......."

Emotion returning to her voice,

"..............so it couldn't be you!"

After a couple moments to collect herself, she wiped away a lone tear, a look of shame and embarrassment settling over her face.

"In that moment, my Need became even more important than the air I was breathing, the food and drink I'd eaten...and the family I centered my life around! In retrospect, I realize that it was a defining instant in my life! And, for once, it was all about ME!"

Looking at me with an expression of dignity that surprised me.

"It was MY pleasure I focused on. It was MY extasy that I sought. I was the one who got to choose the means of my ultimate satisfaction. That beautiful, sexy and tender man, was mine alone, his sole focus was Me. I chose him. I drew him in. I allowed myself to feel things I'd never felt before, both physical and emotional. It was........... I don't even think I can describe it."

A pause, then,

"It was the most intense experience of my life!"

At the finality of her last statement, we both sat in stunned silence for what seemed like five minutes. While on her face I saw relief and pride, my own mind was a pandemonium of shock, doubt, despair, and betrayal! I was her husband. Ostensibly her best friend and life partner. If anyone could satisfy all these feelings, it should have been me?!

In that moment I was gutted, feeling like I wasn't the person I thought I was. I could maybe understand....and eventually accept...... just being horny and fulfilling a fantasy, but the implications of her declaration of intentional action and empowerment raised so many questions I didn't even know how to respond. Shell-shocked, I looked around the room desperate for something to focus on, so as to refocus my emotions.

Then she seemed to change gears a suddenly, blurting out in a new conversational tone,

"It was so nice to have Dom here for the first time in a long time! I've missed his presence in our lives. I can talk to him in a way that I can't talk to you. I'm sorry, but it's true. It's not like I'm hiding things from you, but he is a good friend, who has known me...and you.... for years. I know there are things you share with him as guys, that you don't me. That's OK. Likewise, it should come as no surprise then that, even though I'm not a guy, over time I've come to share with him part of my life, and by extension our life".

"When you think about it, he's been part of 'Us', since the beginning." Again, a quick look at me, and then, "And he offers perspective and support I can't get from people who are close to my daily life. A sort of Confessor if you will".

A moment of gentle sobbing followed, as my bewilderment and anger began to build.

"You probably have never noticed, but you need to know that Dom has saved my life.....and my soul..... several times, literally and figuratively!"

"If not for him, there would have been no You and Me today! We owe much of what we have and what we are, to him! I know it's confusing, and I swear that any problems I had were never really anything that you did, or didn't do. But I have struggled....many times..... and I felt I couldn't share the questions, let alone get the answers I needed, from you.....because most of those questions involved my feelings about me and you."

"Fortunately, Dom was always there when I needed someone. Dom has always given of his emotional self to me, without any reservations or demands! No matter what I said or did, he was there without judgement, offering anything and everything I may have needed. Maybe someday I will be strong enough to share more with you, but for now, I implore you to accept this explanation as enough."

My heart and soul were battling over how to take this revelation. This secret role she felt I wasn't man enough to provide. She continued,

"Last night ended one of the worst periods in my life. All of a sudden a nightmare of doubt and guilt lifted, and it became one of the best nights of my life........before we..... well, you know."

"All these things led to.......the 'why' it happened. And I need to say this....no matter how hard it is for you to hear, or understand. But its real...to me... and I can't change it, so it will have to be part of the conversation".

"Last night, I was back living the life of the girl I was almost a decade ago. In the atmosphere of the night and in my heart, we were all One again. I found myself free and happy, and I guess the rules defining my life with you melted away, and the boundaries of our collective 'Us' became blurred. Last night it was just 'Us' and so when I was being touched, a physical and emotional catharsis I'd been repressing for years just washed over me."

"I had been so lonely and afraid, but in that moment, that all disappeared causing euphoria I've never felt before. I couldn't distinguish between who was my Healer and who was my Lover."

"My God, when you started to caress me, I completely lost my mind. Nervous at first, but as you didn't seem to show any hesitation in....sharing.... aspects of our private relationship, I began to let go, unable to separate the different experiences I was getting between the two of you! Nor was I giving any thought at all to the consequences. Last night, I lost all sense of myself and surrendered to you.....to you both! I was seeing you two as One, if you can accept the sincerity of that. I know it's a cliché, but I was truly lost in the moment!"

"Jesus, I was so fucking hot and horny! Initially, I didn't care how I got relief. At first it was the loving touch of my husband.....but that quickly expanded to fill the full scope of the connection between us all! I was shocked and terrified when I admitted to myself what was happening, when Dom started to touch me....down there........ and I let him. I wanted to be touched there..... I wanted HIM to touch me there!" After a pause, "By then I was overwhelmed, lust burning me up, desperate for more comfort and relief.....and Love, the way a woman wants to feel Love."

Jenn paused for a minute, clearly preparing to carry on with a weighty revelation.

"But afterward, when after I had that first............... Well, it all changed. A situation with a simple - if inexcusable - solution, got suddenly much more complicated! Suddenly a clarity in me allowed a long-repressed Truth to emerge from my soul. Which brings me to the why. A 'why' that goes back years."

"Dom is your closest friend. Has been for many years. He is my friend too.... but in different ways than you. You're guys. But the friendship between men and women is different. More complicated. I think deeper and interconnected. More than swilling beer and making fart jokes."

"You need to understand the he and I are friends NOT because he was your friend, and I was your girlfriend. We did not become friends BECAUSE of you, but IN SPITE of you! We developed a deep connection. He became my friend in his own right, by our personal relationship, not by association. Most importantly, the depth of our connection began to frighten us both, even without saying a word to one another"

"Like you, he became one of the principal male figures in my life. Maybe it wasn't that obvious in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense it dominated our early life together. For Christ's sake, the three of us were inseparable for years, effectively living together as one. In almost EVERY way a man and woman can be together, we three were. Maybe except for the romantic relationship, you need to understand that both you AND he were 'the Man' in my life. Ironically, the lack of a physical relationship with Dom made the emotional part even more intense....and important. I got the best of both worlds, able to pick and choose what I wanted, when I wanted them. You as my lover, when I needed it, and he as my soulmate and confidant. Selfish, I know. I now realize that it was horribly unfair to both of you."

"I've spent today in a fog thinking about it, in between the guilt, fear, self-disgust.....all the while buying groceries, taking care of the girls and everything else......",

".....but I have to be brutally honest with myself. I know what I'm about to say is going to shatter you. It may end up destroying the beautiful life we've built together. But I can't continue to hide from it or lie to myself....or to you. Most importantly, it will reveal that I'm a selfish and inconsiderate person, undeserving of the unconditional love you've BOTH given me".

"I'm in love with Dom!"

Pausing abruptly, I saw the turmoil within her. Questions and answers flitted across her eyes. Resolute, she carried on.

"Over time I'd finally admitted to myself that I have felt incomplete in the part of my life that Dom played. Yes, I married you, a decision I don't regret. But emotionally I was joined to Dom as well. He gave me everything I needed selflessly and NEVER asked for anything in return. Ultimately, I felt a burden on me grow as his sacrifices were increasingly one sided, and I could no longer identify what I could give him that would adequately demonstrate my love, appreciation, and devotion due such a friend.

I knew that EVERYTHING good in my life, you, our family, our home, in some way or another was due to the courage and emotional support I got from Dom. And so, while I felt that the relationship between you and I was balanced and mutually beneficial, with him I felt I owed him a recompense and similar obligation"

"For years I was able to rationally separate the two relationships, but last night, overwhelmed by my needs and emotions, I allowed myself to seek out this missing part in my soul. I love you. But I also love Dom and I felt I owed myself, and him, this public acknowledgement and completion".

"So, it wasn't just my lust and desire for an emotionally and physically beautiful person I adore. It was the fulfillment of a compact I felt I owed both he and I. The fact that you were there as part of the experience, by allowing us that moment, only seemed to validate my belief."

"This wasn't some cheap, tawdry threesome like in some porno! I wasn't cheating on you......or at least that is the way I saw it. Instead, you and I were giving the ultimate, most personal gift of ourselves to the man that we both love and cherish! To whom we owe..... more than you know!"

Looking directly at me, tears streaming down her face and starting to sob, she said

"For me, last night was one of the most emotional and physically beautiful experiences of my life! Not because it was Dom and not you, but because this long denied and delayed fulfillment to connect with a missing part within me, caused me to totally abandon all my preconceptions, hang-ups, and reservations. It allowed me to come to peace with myself."

"This would be The Moment, so I felt that what I had built up with you over many years, needed to finally come to fruition with Dom once and for all! THAT is what you saw last night! MY love for Dom. OUR love for Dom......and finally........ an acknowledgement of HIS love for ME!"

Looking at me hard with an expression of anger and frustration she continued,

"For years I tried to deny to myself that Dom has been in love with me....since the beginning! But last night, I faced the reality that BECAUSE he loves us both, he sacrificed his own happiness and dreams....and desires..... his entire life, so that we could live ours!"

"All those years, he NEVER said anything directly to me. But I knew! I could see it in quiet moments when he looked at me. I could feel it in occasional touches. I could sense it in both the interactions between the three of us, and when he and I were alone."

"At first, it terrified me. As the relationship between you and I began to grow, it felt weird to have him so intimately involved in just about every aspect of our life. But over time, I was able to believe it as just a normal female/male dynamic. A harmless crush. A little natural chemistry."

"I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes, to prove the innocence of it, I sometimes flaunted my sexuality in front of him as a game, to prove to myself that his feelings were nothing serious. So sexy panties hanging everywhere, almost flashing him through a loose robe, accidentally walking into the bathroom while he was showering, mild flirting, was less about the comfortable ease between a 'brother and sister', and more about proving to myself that I was just imagining his interest. But the fire in his eyes was undeniable and I quickly realized the dangerous game I was playing."

"From that point onward, I tried to desexualize our collective relationship. Sometimes denying you and I the intimacy we both desperately craved, fearful it would antagonize Dom. As you fucked me in our room, I couldn't help but picture the torment Dom was experiencing on the other side of that wall. Sometimes I even wondered what would happen if, unable to control himself, he barged into our room?! Or if one day he declared his intentions to me?! Or forced himself on me. I admit it was both titillating and terrifying.

"Because I felt the situation may have been of my own doing, I never said anything to you. I tried to manage the situation. But over time, the barriers and stiffness fell, and I found myself seeing a sweet soul instead of a temptation. In little ways, over the years he showed me his compassion, love and devotion, never once tying them up with any price to pay or expectations in return."

"I know it's going to break your heart, but I have to confess to you.... as I did to myself those many years ago.... than my emotional connection with Don started to eclipse my connection to you, which terrified me! Sure, you and I fucked, kissed and were a romantic couple, representing the most intimate relationship that can be had between a man and woman. But my emotional connection to Dom was overpowering. And in some ways, all the more 'pure' because it wasn't sullied by a physical relationship. I know it sounds naive now, but at the time it seemed to make sense. And my belief that I could 'manage it' began to crumble, as the implications became increasingly clear."

"And Dom could also sense it as well. Over time, I noticed that he started to advocate more for you, mitigating my hesitations and fears, ignoring my subtle efforts to get closer to him, and assuring me that the direction you and I were on was the proper one. That all my concerns and hesitations to commit to you were 'normal'."

"Again, while we never discussed it directly between us, we both knew what he wanted....but could not have. To this day, I feel inescapable guilt that Dom has denied himself his dreams and desires and sacrificed his life for me......for us."

Breaking down in quiet sobbing, after a minute she finally collected herself with a new reflective tone and neutral look on her face.

"Many years ago, I finally accepted to myself that I, too, felt something for him that I was never willing to face or admit. There was an empty part in me, within myself, but also in the relationship between he and I. Something was missing and without dealing with it, he and I would never be whole people. I couldn't carry that around with me anymore, nor could I deny him the honesty of my feelings because of my own selfishness and weakness."

"Since you love me, hopefully you can understand....maybe never accept or forgive.....but understand the need to share that kind of love, your whole being, with another person. Without reservation or hesitation, giving them the last vestige of yourself".

"So, from my end, that's why it happened. I know it's hard to believe, but deep in my heart, I don't feel anything has changed between you and I. Our relationship was healthy, balanced, and mutual. I thank God every day for what we have together and am desperate to hold on to it. I just wanted the same for another relationship that is just as important. I now feel that an empty place in my soul is now complete....because of what we did last night."

Standing, she concluded,

"I AM so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. No matter what you may now think, you remain the love of my life. Dom didn't do anything to cause this. He has always placed his loyalty to you, to us, above everything else. I'm grateful that he was willing to be my friend and help complete me, as he always has in every other way."

"Today, I'm not sure I recognize that woman yesterday? What I do recognize is that for the first time in my life, I feel compete and a burden lifted off my soul. As a friend, a lover and as a woman. Totally fulfilled and whole. I understand there may be consequences for that, but it's a price I will have to pay."

"So, now you know as much I do. What started out as raw sexual gratification, turned into something life affirming and beautiful. I regret the former. I cannot deny my joy at the latter. And I'm in turmoil as to what to do about it!"

With that, tears streaming down her face, she exited the room.

Over the next few weeks, we tried to restart the conversation and work through our feelings, without success. While the emotions had cooled and we got on with the business of raising our family, it was clear that while Jenn was deeply sorry for the hurt she had caused me, she didn't recant her admission that she was fully conscious and appreciative for what had happened.

Their actions had resolved the mental malaise that she had been harboring for years. As for me, I found less peace, as what happened and what my role was, and had been all those years, was less clear. It hadn't been just 'a moment' I could explain away, but a long-delayed completion of a relationship that now completely called into questions everything I was.

Neither of us had heard from Dom. He didn't call. I didn't call him. I don't know what Jenn did, if anything.