Love in the Lockdown

She thought for a while and then said it was possible. She said the whole thing remained a mystery to her. She did not understand what was going on at all.

Fleur had found out somehow, at an early age that her father was not her biological father and reacted badly about it. As a result of that communication between her and Fleur had never been great. Fleur never really confided in her. It was a family that could never talk reasonably to one another.

I wondered if Fleur and Simon had met up in London or at least he knew anything about her London life. I mentioned her demeanour since she came back. We decided meeting there didn't seem likely and he would not know about her London life unless she told him herself.

Her mother pondered on her demeanour. She said she suffered from anxiety following her father's death. She believed Fleur seemed to take on the guilt of his heart attack and suicide. She perhaps had a relapse.

I was suddenly in awe of what Fleur had been carrying around in her head. Not only that but I could not help but think that there was something else that helped drive her home from the UK. I wondered whether I could try and contact someone from London and I did try but drew a blank. The cocktail bar we were based out of had closed and the owner disappeared.

In the meantime I asked Fleur's mother to give a statement to the police. She was nervous about it because of what skeletons might fall out of her husband's closet but there was nothing that could implicate her.

The coroner's report ended up concluding suspected murder suicide. There was no evidence of a third party. According to forensic evidence, Simon's time of death was placed either shortly before or after Fleur had tried to come home. There was evidence of sexual activity and also evidence of violence in the bach. DNA samples taken were related to Simon and Fleur and no other person. There were some marks on Fleur's skull of a pattern that may have indicated that she was subjected to violence herself but this was inconclusive as damage from her fall from the bridge could not be totally ruled out.

Already down I was hit again when Sue died. At this stage I was drained. It was apparent that the truck driver Sue fucked had a connection to a cluster of cases in Auckland. In the press it was sanitized stating that Sue provided treatment to the Driver and she contracted it that way. Her funeral was again small because of the COVID restrictions but there was some fanfare in the media as she was perceived as a martyr for her cause as a nurse. Her work overseas was also written about. The woman who had been threatened with the sack because of an affair with a married doctor was now a hero.

I stayed with the police but it was thought best that I leave this community and I was sent back to the city. This enabled me to continue with my law degree while serving as an unhappy probationary constable. I was suffering depression and on top of it my father died. If my mother's death had affected me badly, Dads was devastating. Fortunately my uncle Duncan was back in the country and I moved in with him. At that time I was able to resign from the police on compassionate grounds. With my fathers will I inherited the farm and after tax had a great wodge of money at my disposal. With the finance and the advice of Duncan I planned the next stage in my life.

Now that I was not working full time I found I could finish my law degree in the second semester. In the meantime I lived with Duncan. There was resurgence in community transmission of COVID-19 and Duncan got me a part time job to assist the local hospital with contact tracing tasks until it was suppressed.

Duncan also helped me out in the meantime financially until my fathers will and property sale could be finalized. I decided to get a medical degree. Since my Mother's death I had lost my way but my recent experience and exposure to Sue and Duncan had convinced me of my path. Finishing my law degree meant that for the first year I would only have to study compulsory papers, I would receive dispensation for the others. I would enrol as a mature student. The first year at least would be part time. Financially my father's legacy would give me the ability to complete the study comfortably without a loan and in the future establish my own practice. I imagined a country practice.

* * * * *

My first contact with other students was a group meeting of those intending to go on to a medical degree. At that meeting, I couldn't help noticing one young student. She appeared different than the others. She was a pale blonde woman, very stylishly and elegantly dressed for a student. She seemed alone and painfully shy. She must have been only 18. I would be a good eight years older than her and a mature student with a law degree under my belt; I was very confident and probably a little arrogant.

Since she attended my classes, I just kept noticing her. There was some kind of fascination. I wondered whether she was slightly aspergers. Initially I kept my space from her. As time went by I noticed her glancing at me then looking away if she caught me looking at her. It was not long before she would smile before turning away.

She seemed uncomfortable if any of the other guys in class sat next to her however I tried my luck one day and sat next to her. She seemed to shuffle nervously, and then she turned toward me and gave me the most radiant smile. It was totally infectious and all I could do was grin stupidly back. I finally found my voice and introduced myself, she replied with a breezy, "Hi to you Connor, I'm Lily." Then in an unusual gesture in those post COVID times she held out her hand and I held it for a second. By the end of that lecture I had invited her to the student café for a coffee. By the end of that coffee we were an item.

From then on she was my total obsession. I had fallen in love with her fundamentally from first sight. I was so knocked over by how I felt about her I actually worried about it, thoughts of her kept me awake at night. I couldn't keep my mind off her. I couldn't study unless she was with me. It was like an affliction. I thought I had lost my mind or something and wondered if I should go to student welfare. Duncan got sick to death of me talking about her.

Duncan had never felt that way about anyone and was encouraging me to seek treatment, thinking it was an unhealthy obsession.

It also worried me that she was so much younger. Unlike Sue and Fleur my thoughts about her were not dominated by lust. It wasn't that I was not attracted to Lily in that way it was just she seemed a part of me that I had somehow been missing.

The thing is, she was exactly the same toward me. We began to behave like we were connected at the hip. She too would not study unless she was me. Since she was taking more papers than me I found myself helping her with her study. In the end I might as well have taken those papers myself.

I discovered she was the daughter of a recently deceased doctor. He had died during the lockdown but not of COVID. He had a heart condition. Theirs had been a country practice. Her Mother had spent time between their small lifestyle farm and a studio in Dunedin. She was deeply involved in the fashion world. She was both a designer and an artist of some repute and talent.

Lily had grown up riding horses and those country things but also enjoyed something of the city life. She had very little contact with boys and no steady boyfriend. Neither was she into girls. She was a bona fide virgin.

She was as fragile and beautiful as her name and with our relationship came a tremendous weight of responsibly on me. I felt so responsible for her welfare. I felt I was both daddy and Lover. She looked to me for advice on everything. Not that she necessarily took it. She had a mind of her own and could be bloody minded if she wanted to be. After all she was an only child or so I thought.

I think she had been brought up well. As an only child I believe her parents had not over indulged her as she did not come across and selfish or narcissistic. She was vain and she liked her clothes and make up and she liked to be complemented. I had to become very conversant in fashion and style. She was very attentive of me, almost old fashioned in that regard. She was always looking after my welfare to the point of being a fusspot at times.

If there was a risk it was one of suffocating each other in love, but that never happened, we in our first year just existed together in a state of bliss.

As I said she was a bona fide virgin. And there rapidly came a time when that would change. I worried about this. I had never been with a virgin and I took the defloration as a huge responsibility. I was vastly more experienced in sex.

Thinking of my past experience revived my thoughts of sex with Sue and Fleur as deviant behaviour. I inexplicably began to feel ashamed of them. I could never bring myself to talk about any detail of my earlier lovemaking. I worried about whether she would be too prissy for me; that I would look for more variety elsewhere. But that never happened. From the defloration Lily discovered the joy of sex. She loved it. Her libido was probably above mine. My problem was dealing with that. I started to worry that I was not enough for her and as she was so young, she would become bored with me and seek variety in her new big wide world. It was now this stuff that was keeping me awake at night.

Our defloration night was prearranged. Our petting was becoming increasingly heavy. It came to a head one night. We were alone and I was expounding earnestly about some forgettable aspect of what we had been discussing at a lecture that day. I was on the floor of the apartment I shared with Duncan. He was out of town that night.

Lily was sitting on the sofa and was very quietly listening or I thought she had been listening because she suddenly lifted her sweater and exposed her cute little well-formed breasts. I'd never seen them. I had felt them but I had never even seen Lily naked and we were three months into our relationship.

Well, that night I did get to see lily naked and she was all that her sexy clothes offered. She was a petite, perfect package. We found ourselves rolling around the floor shedding our clothes. Lily not having sexual experience was frantic in her attempted lovemaking.

Both of us were hot and bothered, I knew I was coming the boil and what would be inevitable. I called a stop. "Whoa whoa whoa!" I took her face in my hands and stared straight into her eyes. "Are you on the pill or something?" S

he shook her head slightly and looking down muttered "No."

"I desperately want to go all the way with you and you give me the distinct impression you want to reciprocate on this. Why don't we plan an evening; a beautiful romantic evening. Your first actual sex might not be that great. It seldom is, but it would still be a wonderful evening to remember." She responded with one of her dazzling heart stopping smiles, grabbed my face and rammed her long tongue fair back beyond my uvula which had me choking for a bit.

Well I suppose it was a bit contrived but we did dinner, flowers, soft lights, and beautiful music. In fact I think it was an old classical guitar recording. We did it lying on my queen sized bed. She had a special sheer baby doll top and matching panties. I carefully rolled down the bottoms. She was a natural blonde and her pubes were sparse trimmed slightly but not sheared. Here lips were prominent but very tight.

Head down I gave them a big slurp with my tongue. She knew what that was about. Maybe she had not had it done to her before but she must have read about it. There was no recoil. I pushed my nose into her mons and down into her slit, I felt her clit rising as I rubbed it lightly. I then began to lick her until I felt her tight slit swelling and opening up. Her juices were running freely, I could see that the penetration was not going to be too traumatic, I lifted my head pulled back her lips and stared at her hymen. There was no covering membrane but the aperture was small so I guess she did use tampons.

I would go carefully very, very carefully. I wanted to go doggy but Lily insisted that we be face to face. I took a bit of juggling but in the end it was Lily that guided my cock into position. I lay there with her legs stretched apart and looking into her eyes I gave a quick nudge. He eyes winced a little and she was away.

Yes there was a little bit of blood but did I say she rode horses. The little minx must have been taking notes on the behaviour of stallions. It was full on fuck; none of your namby-pamby lovemaking. The only way to deal with it was to fight fire with fire. Eventually I turned her over and was pounding her from behind whacking her butt and pulling her hair. She near swallowed my cock at some stage and was offering her arse. I drew the line at that point. I didn't think arse was romantic enough for our first night.

This was not what I was expecting. Thankfully it was not the norm. We never settled into a routine; we varied what we did with no real favourite position or vigour. We fucked all over the place; inside the house or out. In fact we got sprung a couple of times; once at the beach and once at a park. It was actually reasonably discrete so I don't think there was ever a risk that we would be arrested for it.

So you see, I was with this much younger woman who quite clearly loved her sex. Now in my experience this was high risk. I could not imagine our relationship surviving. Not for me personally but for Lily.

I knew how I felt for Lily but I was so emotionally committed I couldn't imagine the pain of a split up. I also understood for a young emotional woman that when the first wave of romantic love washes over she could misconstrue this and go seeking another romantic rush. I tortured myself with these thoughts. I tried to discuss these things with Lily, but for her they were just words. She could not conceive of what I was talking about.

Of course we talked about the future. We so wanted the same things. The biggy was the country practice together. Knowing I had the financial where-with-all gave Lily the ticket for our dreams.

Culturally we largely enjoyed the same entertainments and we both liked to keep fit and active with social team sports without being a fitness freak or sports jock or jockess. In fact we played a bit of social mixed netball together and shared a gym. I had long since dropped rugby. You see we couldn't do these things apart.

We had our friends but on the whole we seem to do everything together.

By the end of the year Lily was not just talking about the future but making plans. She was talking about fitting career around kids, and when we would travel, right down to the wedding. Coming into the New Year and once we had passed our exams, as long as we were accepted into medical school we would both shift to Dunedin.

Lily's mother lived in Dunedin. Lily had come north to do her preliminary studies just to get an opportunity to live somewhere else. I had not even met her Mother. I was not sure, even whether her Mother knew just how much older I was. Maybe she wouldn't approve. I knew her mother was keen to meet me. I just did not go down there when Lily visited for one reason or another and when her Mother came north, I was somewhere else. It was never deliberate, it just happened that way.

It was then that I made a fateful decision. I thought at the time, it would either be the best or the most stupid decision I would ever make. It was to deliberately break up for period in order that Lily could experience other guys or women for that matter.

The problem is that if it did not go well it would seem that I was not committed to Lily. There was a high risk that it would destroy Lily's trust in me or through her actions destroy my trust in her.

Another consideration was what damage it would do to me emotionally. I just loved this woman unconditionally. It seemed like deliberately breaking up with her was the ultimate act of self-flagellation. Was I going to deliberately hurt myself because I was guilty of being happy? Thinking of my past, there was a logic explanation for that.

The other side of it was simply obvious, she would simply find someone else and I was toast. I knew I could get jealous so seeing her with others would really eat me up.

Maybe I was over thinking it but I resolved to do this before I met her Mother and before wedding plans became too much of a reality. The obvious time would be when we moved to Dunedin. She would have her digs and I would have mine. She would have student orientation to connect with other students, blah blah blah. Well that's how I laid it down when we had the heart to heart.

The heart to heart did not go well. I had a bawling girlfriend who had a bawling boyfriend. It broke my heart to make her unhappy. Anyway we kind of got over that hump.

I regretted us getting over it somehow. Lily started to become too relaxed about it. Me? I started getting cold feet about it.

Anyway things came to a head when my father's property was sold. That and the logistics of moving and setting up in Dunedin, we were suddenly seeing less of each other. I elected to buy a house and managed to find one on a hillside close to a beach I loved. Lily moved into an apartment her mother had.

Things were in such turmoil that when I finally found myself in this empty house without any furniture sitting on a cardboard box of books wondering if I had ever said good bye to Lily.

Even worse, things started with a hiss and a roar at Uni. I didn't partake in the orientation but Dunedin was party central. I was not in any of the classes that lily was in and the Dunedin campus being large, we simply did not see each other for a month.

I was lonely again and heartbroken to boot. In my mind I had destroyed us. I just couldn't get to grips with my work. I still did not have any furniture for my house. I was sleeping in a sleeping bag on a mattress on the floor. I was not eating well. At least I was not drinking alcohol. In short I had my old depression back.

I spent a lot of time thinking about Sue and Fleur and how fucked up my relationships were. I was still haunted by the 'why' of Fleur's behaviour and was finally resigning myself to never knowing. I had searched out people who knew Simon and there were no clues from that angle. I just assumed in her favour that he must have known of something related to her earlier life and father and was blackmailing her.

As an only child, the loss of my Father and Mother affected me deeply. It was not something the money helped with. The only family support I had was Duncan and he was so worried that one week he flew down and stayed with me. We went inland for some tramping in the Alps. That sure helped but soon he was gone and I drifted back into my depression.

I started to go for long walks in the evening. I kept hoping to see Lily. At Uni I was constantly scanning the crowds for her face.

One night I was walking along a street where there was an old fashioned pub frequented by the student fraternity. The lights and music were blaring and a few students few milling around outside when a guy came staggering out with his arm around, none other, but Lily. I just felt like I had a lead weight in my chest as I stared.

That was my worst moment. Lily did not look very happy; she looked pissed which was unusual for her. In fact I could not remember her ever being drunk as she usually drank very little alcohol.

My shock turned to a seething jealousy. I don't get violent when I get like that; I plot, I scheme, I make plans. I had no idea who the guy was. He was only a young kid about her age. He probably felt he had won the lottery scoring her. I didn't feel like fucking up his life or Lily's for that matter. This is what we had agreed to, or I had insisted on. I'm a stupid cunt aren't I?