All Comments on 'Love with the Proper Stranger'

Loved it. what a great start to what could be a hot n sexy romance. More please, don't leave us hanging.

Good story. You gave us enough background so we had an idea who these people were. Short, sweet, and nicely done. Thanks…

Fantastic story!!!! Part 2 coming?

Beautiful narrative, well-developed story. Perfect for this contest.

That was so sweet. I'd love a part 2

Great little story! I personally would love to see a part 2 with just a teensy bit more sex/description. Thank you!

Well written, nicely paced, good character development, nice sense of humor. I'm sure this has a couple of more chapters in it. Please?

Love a Stranger tale. Rare to find a story on Lit with genuine wit. Please tell us more about gwen and Parker!

more of these characters please

I got a chuckle from the Bullitt reference lol

Amazing work as always, my friend. I am glad you decided to add that final kiss. Hoping this story will get a second part eventually - the chemistry between Parker and Gwen just feels so natural, and it's impossible not to root for the two of them to have a happy future together.

Combination of incest and romance woven together very well.

The story was very well written, well plotted with great characters and very sexy. You could become a favorite writer.

Aw! That was awesome! I love stories told in a way that has me holding my breath during the intense parts. I actually teared up at the end! Well done - thanks for sharing your writing talents!

Nice story, very well written.

That was an amazing story. When I find problems in the story I consider deducting one star but this was so good I'm giving you all 5 stars. There were a few mistakes but it didn't take away from how much I loved it. One example: you meant leaning but typed meaning. A few other mistakes but definitely 5 stars. Now I have to read all of your stories.

As soon as the dance was mentioned I knew where the story was going. That's what happens at Senior dances, right? Knowing the ending didn't may the story any less enjoyable. Good work! This could be the beginning of a great Incest/Taboo series.

Great story! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

Incredible!

Great story. Continuing would be fine, but it stands alone perfectly.

5*

Tc

Great start. Agree with the two previous posts. It was real and believable. Would like to see where you go with this story. More please.

I gave it 5 stars great story and left it open for a part 2 if you wish to write it!!

Would you do me (and everyone else) a favor? It's easy. Read your own story, and every instance where you capitalized "Dad", replace it with Bob. If it sounds wrong, you capitalized incorrectly and should have used 'dad'. Then every place you didn't capitalize dad, replace it with Bob, and if it sounds wrong, you were right to not capitalize it. If a name works, capitalize. If a name doesn't work, don't capitalize.

That's the easiest thing to fix with what you've submitted, but nowhere near everything.

I have been a professional editor in my life. I have been a professional essay grader for standardized, state testing in elementary and high schools for about half the States in the US. I know what I'm talking about. I've posted a couple examples of my writing on this site.

I don't often do this, mostly because so little of what's submitted on this site shows any promise whatsoever for improving, but yours is an exception. Let me edit your submissions before you post them with the promise that you'll pay attention and learn from what I do to it.

If you're interested in changing from a hack to a writer, let me know directly.

What a spectacular story!

Excellent story that had some sex. Not a bunch of sex crammed into a story. Nothing all about imaginary 12 inch cocks or firehose level cum shots. Keep up the good work.

Well written, nicely paced, achingly sweet sex, and a startlingly accurate description of the 19K duties.

If the spirit moves you, this could be a magnificent series.

Be Well and Happy!!

Paul

Brave Rifles

Nicely paced, good build up, fine outcum.. Write more!

I confess you roped me in with the title, and I can't say that I regretted what I read either. You built it up pretty well, and although there were some grammatical problems, they didn't detract majorly from the story. I would say this is one of the better submissions I've read, and I'm most certainly hoping you decide to make a chapter 2 out of this, as it's kind of begging for that as of this point. I also didn't miss the Gamma Hydra Section 10 reference, which you should easily identify. ;-)

***

You created a plausible setup, namely in Curt cheating on Gwen. I'm not so sold on using the step brother as the company in the ultimate sense, but it made sense.. and it made sense to kind of have the dad ask. By the way, you should know that I figured out the brown chicken brown cow reference. (Isn't the internet wonderful?) I can also buy the fact that the stepbrother was cheated on, and therefore he could commiserate with how Gwen was feeling. It certainly makes you feel like absolute s***, and it really doesn't help to know that you did nothing to deserve it either. So that solidified your premise and supported it well. The thing is though that I wasn't totally sold on him going all the way with Gwen particularly and I'll detail a few reasons why.

***

First of all, you kind of painted yourself into a corner to begin with by saying that Gwen and her step brother weren't particularly close; in fact, they barely knew each other at all. Now, you kind of remedy that believably and significantly by proving her to be a kind of military history nerd, and it turns out that she shared journalism passions with that step sibling. They also do create a kind of cover story, which revolved around his high school and his personal preference or basketball team, but that was remarkably thin and shallow: the date for Cassie could have easily started asking him who his favorite Spurs player was, and he might have been sunk; this could have been especially true had he asked Gwen who her favorite Spurs player was and they disagreed with their answers. Furthermore, he could have asked Parker what his favorite San Antonio spot was, and other things of that nature. So the fact that Robert didn't dig is a convenience you kind of stacked in favor of the story. For example, the step brother could have also countered Cassie's date with oh yeah.. yeah I've heard about the Sacramento Queens!! Now that might seem a bit of an esoteric reference, but it was a relatively famous quote when an interviewer asked Shaquille O'Neal when he was with the Lakers about if he was worried about the recent streak the Sacramento Kings were on before the Lakers played them, with my former reply being Shaq's response. That could have been a real wonderful comical outing right there, although maybe that's asking a little too much and maybe going on too much of a fishing expedition. However, when you say that they talked basketball the rest of the night, it presents the impression they were well-versed in different teams, different moves, different players so to not dig before you kind of conclude with their conversation taking that turn? Again, another convenience where you escape having to plausibly explain that gap in probing the other person. I hope you see what I mean by that. Now, as for the final stage of the Valentine's Day experience, he was a perfect gentleman.. but I have a problem with it, because as I said, how much they learn about each other doesn't make up for all the times they never talked. To ask a step brother to take her to dance and enjoy it, then to find out that a step sister is actually pretty deep and has a lot of brains.. combined with her looks, then once that's more fully developed you have more of a mental seduction that allows what they did in the after party to fit. To end this section, one poster already mentioned resolving capitalization errors, and that's great advice; however I counted about 10 splices/run-on sentences, and I'm going to tell you I already read another entry that had very close to if not 100 run-ons in a much longer submission. These are about as easy to get rid of as capitalization problems, because a lot of times you just have to add one word to make it a complex sentence, rather than it being just a run-on one. Make sure to fix those, because they're always going to matter--because the worst part of it is they seriously disrupt the story, namely the reading flow and sometimes a partial context here and there - - and it's a real shame because those should never really stand in anyone's way of crafting a smooth-flowing story that all readers can appreciate and not force anybody to stop and try to figure out what just happened.

***

I would say you crafted a largely believable and mostly well-developed story. You established common grounds between the step brother and the stepsister, and you establish universal connections such as being cheated upon, and empathizing with another person that has suffered in the same way: you should always endeavor to include as many universal connections like these in your stories- - present and future--because those are the connectors that will link readers to common experiences that everyone has had to some degree. There's nothing wrong with stacking the deck in your favor that way.. but just make sure that you don't try to find a convenient way out, because readers such as myself that are trained in literary criticism and have written and edited will call you on it. But I must say that I did enjoy reading your submission and I will be reading some of your other stories, to see how similar or how different they are from this one. Please continue writing, and please keep an open mind, with growth central to your story and your craft. I look forward to reading more from you, and I emphasize again I hope you will, as other posters have reinforced, write more chapters in this saga, as I would like to read how much farther it can go. 4

Excellent story that was very well written. Keep it up.

I didn't buy it....two girls decide to lose their virginity at a dance. one has a boyfriend and the other just broke up, but decides it fuck her date...on their first date...because, you know, he's nice.

What a wonderful Valentine story! How have I been missing your offerings? Well I tell you young Lady it won't happen again! I'm adding you to my follow list and will be perusing your current library.

Excellent offering I enjoyed it very much. I agree with others I would like to know more about this couple should you like to share more of their experiences with us.

Cheers

SAGE

Nice work, thank you.