Luke, Nina & Ash Ch. 11: Then

Nina smiled, rubbing his arm. 'It's ok. We're here for you.'

He sniffed. 'I know. They're sort of happy tears.'

Nina glanced at Ash, who looked puzzled.

'I found this spot a while ago. I'd... well I was going through a rough patch. I was trying to be someone I'm not. Someone like everyone expects me to be. Footy player. Fucking around. Making sick jokes all the time. Getting drunk every weekend. I hated it. I hated being that person. Burying whole sides of myself to keep other people happy.'

Nina squeezed his hand, not sure what to say. Ash raised Luke's hand to his lips, pressed them against his skin. Luke smiled faintly, closed his eyes.

'I... well I was trying to decide what to do. I'd felt this roaring in my head, this kind of... tidal wave. Like I was drowning in things and people that I didn't care about. Like I wasn't... wasn't getting what I needed to be happy, in myself, in my life. All the things I was told I needed to have to be happy, I didn't want any of them. And I still get told I should want those things. I was walking around the city, catching random buses and trains, just wandering around. Trying to decide if I could live with who I was forcing myself to be. If I could pretend to be that way for the rest of my life. And I was basically deciding that I couldn't live that way. I just couldn't do it.'

Nina felt herself welling up, and she could see Ash's eyes wide in his face. They waited, and Luke continued.

'And I found this spot, and I sat down, and I thought about my options. Sitting here, looking out at the city, at all the lights and the space and the faraway people going about their lives... it's like I realised that the world is a big place full of lots of different kinds of people and ways of living. I'd decided that I couldn't pretend to be dickhead who thinks only of himself and is scared of anything that threatens him and his pride. I wanted to be different. I wanted to find what I want, who I want, and what I need to actually be happy. I decided that this year I would figure it all out, or as much as I could. I would find what I want, what makes me happy, and keep it. And I found you two.'

He finally looked at Nina, then at Ash, putting his arms around them and pulling them closer. Nina nestled against his shoulder, breathing in his delicious scent. Ash, who was as tall as Luke when sitting down, rested his head against him, kissing his cheek.

'And... I don't know what will happen in the future, if we'll keep doing what we're doing forever, if we'll go our separate ways after school or something. Whatever happens, happens. But being with you two is the most amazing, incredible, brave, beautiful thing I've ever done, and it makes me so happy. You both make me so happy. So I wanted to bring you here, share this beautiful place with you, and tell you both how much you mean to me.'

By the time Luke finished speaking he was whispering, his voice hoarse and cracked with emotion, and Nina felt such a swell of love for him that she felt like crying into his shoulder. Ash was also feeling teary, particularly as he had some understanding of what Luke had gone through. Now, he just wanted to make his boyfriend feel better, to show him that he was loved, that he had made the right decision in trying to live as himself and not as others wanted him to be.

They sat on the jetty, hugging in silence for another half hour before Nina sat up straighter, stretching.

'It's getting cold.' She said quietly, not wanting to break the spell of the evening.

'Should we go back to Ash's place?' Luke asked, rubbing Ash's shoulder to rouse him. Ash, who hadn't been asleep but in a sort of calm daze, nodded, standing stiffly.

They walked slowly back up the jetty, holding hands and not saying much. It was very late, the restaurants along the foreshore held only a few customers, and there was a midnight chill in the air.

They caught the train to Ash's uncle's place, tumbling into the townhouse bleary-eyed and tired. Ash made them a hot chocolate each to warm up, which they took back up to his room and drank cuddled together in his bed watching TV on his laptop. They fell asleep like that, their hot chocolates lined up on the desk beside the bed, the laptop turning itself off after a while. Ash was between Luke and Nina, spooned by her and curled around Luke's tall frame, like they were keeping him safe. It wasn't the end to the evening they thought they'd have, but it was very special. Ash drifted to sleep thinking about the lights on the water, about Luke grinding into him while they played pool, about the soft taste of Nina on Luke's fingers at dinner, and he was happy.