Magnolia

"Bill... Bill... Hey phone boy! Stop texting that stripper for a minute. I think we've got something here."

"How did you know Sarge? How did you know I was texting Miranda?"

"I'm a fucking detective Bill, that's how." I hated being sarcastic, but apparently the kid wasn't listening when I told him that strippers were bad news. "While you were trying to get in that girl's pants I read this entire forensics report, and it looks to me like we pretty much have both of our cases wrapped up."

"How's that Sarge? That report doesn't come right out and say who done 'em, does it?"

"Yes sir, in effect it does. The forensics tells it all. This Richard guy had no idea that his own fucking computer would be the thing that would fink on him."

"His computer ratted him out? How could that happen Sarge."

"Says right here that he turned on his computer at seven-forty-three pm. It could only have been Richard. His prints were the only ones on the thing. The report also shows that after he powered it up, it took Richard just two and a half minutes to log onto some site called Literotica. Which according this report, is some sort of web-site full of dirty stories."

"Oh I get that one Sarge. Erotica and literature. Put 'em together and you get Literotica."

"I'm thinking you are right on that one Bill. It also says here that Forensics traced his usage on that site to this selection of stories called Loving Wives, that... and I am quoting straight from the report here... has a lot of stories about husbands who get off when their wives are unfaithful."

"That doesn't seem very loving Sarge. If you ask me, that's a bunch of stories that seem misnamed."

"I gotta agree with you there Bill, but get this... It looks like one particular story in that Loving Wives section really caught Richard's eye. It looks like he read that one story three times in a row."

"How could you possibly know something like that Sarge?"

Something called click history Bill. This click history shows that he went into the story three times and spent about two minutes reading the story each time... Hey, weren't there three different wads of semen in those panties?"

Bill didn't have that answer, and I had to page through the report to check. It seems that my memory isn't what it used to be.

"Yeah, look right right here." I pointed to the panty section of the report. "There were three distinct um, what Forensics is calling deposits in that one pair. The same pair he was licking."

"He might have put them all there at once. Maybe Richard was 'a shooter' as well as 'the shooter' Sarge."

I had to laugh. Bill had just made a pretty good joke, but I wasn't sure he meant to. He didn't think what he said was funny enough to laugh along with me anyway.

"I guess um, being a shooter as you put it, is possible, but look at the diagram here Bill. Those aren't streaks. Those are definitely wads, and they don't align with each other. I'm going to say that Richard had himself a little jerk-off session each time he read that story, and that's where each of the three different wads came from."

"That means he whacked off three times in like six minutes Sarge. He must have really, really liked that story."

"Hold on. There was something in the report about that too. Yeah, right here on page fifteen. It says this Literotica site allows what they call voting, and readers can leave a comment too. Looks like Richard voted on that story."

"Highest marks I'll bet... I mean three times in six minutes. Gotta be some kind of jerk off record."

"Nope. It says here he left that story a mark of 'one'... The lowest possible ranking. Oh, and get this. The guy fucking confessed to the murder right here in the comment he left as some jackass named Anonymous."

"A confession Sarge?"

"Yeah, right there in the comment, which says, and I am quoting from the report word for word here..."

"What the fuck you fag cuck shit. Your fucking story is shit fucking shit. The worst I ever read. Is this fucking cuck fag shit supposed to turn me on? Take a shotgun to your worthless cheating whore wife's cheating fucking face, then go put a bullet in your own head."

"So Bill, it looks to me like our perp did exactly that. He came home from doing whatever dirty toilet thing he was doing. His wife probably denied him sex again, and who could blame her considering the smell. Then he found the sitter's panties, licked them, then wore himself out jerking off to that story."

"But why Sarge? Why kill your wife because you whacked off with the sitters unmentionables?"

"That's the final clue Bill. It is what's contained in that story that he read three times that tells us."

"I take it we actually know what that story was all about?" Bill inquired.

"Yeah it's printed in full, right there in the report Bill. The story is about this impotent douche bag with a tiny dick whose wife makes him dress as a woman while she goes out on dates with men who have bigger dicks than his. In the end the impotent guy finally gets a boner watching his boss fuck the wife. Then after the boss blows a load in the wife, she sits on the husband's face and it makes the douche bag eat another man's cum. Some real sick shit if you ask me."

"Do you think that story was actually about Richard?"

"I don't think so Bill. The computer evidence shows the only thing Richard ever wrote was a bunch of reviews, but the poor guy must have really related to the wimp in that one story. I mean you saw the guy when they were loading him into the body bag. The guy didn't have much to work with in the wedding tackle department."

"So you think Mrs. Gash was making him watch her... well, you know."

"No, remember the autopsy said she hadn't been sexually active in a while. I think Richard was just a worthless doormat who deep down just hated himself. He hated having a tiny dick. He hated how he never could satisfy his wife, and how she quit sleeping with him years ago. He hated the fact that his wife was the family breadwinner, and that his lot in life was to work with his head in other people's toilets. He probably even hated that he could no longer control his pedophillic tendencies, and how got off so much licking used panties."

"That's one sick fucker." Bill agreed.

"That's not the worst of it Bill. Most of all... and I believe this is what caused him to snap... he hated how much those stories about men being humiliated by their cheating wives turned him on. To him, that stuff wasn't just fiction. Guys like Richard just don't seem to realize that nothing on those dirty story sites is real."

"If that don't beat all. How could anyone really believe that stuff?" Bill asked, still seemingly trying to get a handle on what I was saying.

"Well, in Richard's mind those stories were very real... and they were all about him." I explained. "The guy had a love hate relationship with that. What he loved was how those cheating wife tales actually gave him a boner. What he hated was how emasculated he felt over the humiliating crap that turned him on."

"Emasculated? What do you mean Sarge?

"I mean, this guy got incredibly turned thinking about being made to eat another man's spunk, and then he hated himself for it. I mean who wouldn't hate that? Deep down I'm sure those stories made him feel like an even bigger loser than he already was. This guy's self loathing must have been monumental."

"So I think I get it." Bill chimed in. "The sick fucker killed his wife for what the woman did in that story. Then put a bullet in his own head... Not because he felt guilty about killing his wife, but as a stand-in for the author for making him feel the degrading things the story made him feel. It seems to me that story really went to his heads. Get it Sarge... His Heads?"

"Yeah Bill, thinking with his little head. Very funny."

"So I guess that wraps this one up. Case closed, right Sarge? Can we go now? I've got something kind of important brewing."

Bill turned his phone towards me and raised his eyebrows in hope, pointing out the latest text from Miranda asking him to meet her for coffee.

"No so fast there Bill. There is one more thing left to do before we can call this one done."

"What's that Sarge?"

"Go down to holding and spring Domino. If he gives you any lip about false arrest, remind him he could still be facing stolen credit card charges."

"Okay, got it." Bill spun around to execute this latest order at a speed I didn't think he had. "I'll see you on Monday Joe." He called out practically running down the hall towards holding.

Well I'll be dammed. The kid just called me Joe. Wait just a minute... Fuck I'd been had again. Bill wasn't stupid. No way did he just come out of the academy. He knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. O'Malley... That fucker! He put Bill up to this. He's the only one that's ever called me Sarge, and the smart ass always did it just to get under my skin.

I should have known. This whole thing had to be O'Malley's doing. It had to be him. I'll bet he made up that crap about aptitudes coming from the chief too. Where's that memo? I'll bet it's a fake. I wonder who else was in on this. Hell, the entire force knows I'm a short timer. I should have expected a prank like this...

"Unit twenty-four." My radio crackled to life."See the woman at the Copper Cafe about an uneaten dinner. The caller says it's boxed, bagged, and ready for pickup."

"Ten-four Dispatch. I'm looking at a ten-seventy of fifteen for the diner."

Well, that's my Flo. She's been serving me at that place for almost fifteen years now, and she has always had my back. Makes sure I'm comfortable, fed, and happy. It's too bad she has that crazy rule about not dating cops. Well I've got news. It's only two weeks and four days until I retire, and I'm going to marry that woman.

******

Author's Notes

I wrote this a few years ago after several stories in both the Fetish and Loving Wives categories received comments like the one the Richard character in this story submitted about shooting people. These comments were discussed in the Author's Hangout on the Literotica bulletin board, and while most people were appalled, I just thought someone out there had some personal issues to deal with. Eventually the mods started deleting these types of comments, and the one I got (Which by the way I repeated word for word in this story) disappeared not long after I received it.

Anyway... I recently re-discovered this story while I was cleaning up files on an old backup disc and it made me laugh, so I decided to polish it up a bit and post it. (I know, I know, you can't polish a turd)

Hopefully no one took this one too seriously. Like most of my stories, this whole thing is intended as tongue in cheek humor, so let's not be like Richard and take this stuff too seriously.