Making Changes

Kate looked into my eyes again and said sincerely, "You never did finish so if you want to talk about it, I really do listen well. I don't judge and I never talk out of school."

I let go of her hand and sat up straight in my chair. "I would like nothing more than to do just that, Kate. But I probably shouldn't. I really don't want to be a negative influence on you with you getting ready to join the Church ("the Church" was another ubiquitous phrase Mormons used when referring to their denomination) and everything."

"I believe I'm...old enough...thank you very much...to handle anything you might say. And for all you or I know, you might say something that does affect me but it might just turn out to be for the best regardless of which way it affects me. So please, talk to me, okay?" Her eyes were dry now and I was taken with just how blue they were. They were bright and even brilliant than I remembered. She really was a very attractive woman and I realized the only way someone this good looking could be single was either by choice or because something had happened to shatter her self esteem. Kate could have pretty much any guy she wanted if looks were all that mattered. But she was also genuinely kind and caring, as well. Something was dreadfully wrong.

"All right. But I won't bore you with the details of a conversation that lasted over three very long, often heated hours. Here's the gist of it. Joan was extremely unhappy with something I said. As you know, she's been a member of the Church her whole life. I've only been one for about six years and I only really joined because my best friend's family from high school befriended me. My own parents are decent people, they just didn't talk much and his family took such a personal interest in me. Oh, and I was also very interested in a particular Mormon girl whose name was Karen. Shen was a grade ahead of me and a year and a half older and the youngest girl I ever dated. She was very um...aggressive and was the one who kept pushing me to do more with her. On the way home from our first date she asked me if I wanted to 'parking.' Within a month, I lost my virginity to her and that was my first experience with LDS girls." I smiled as I said that, but I couldn't help but notice Kate wasn't. She was listening with genuine interest.

"Really? I guess I shouldn't be so naive but that is just fascinating to me. Acutally, all of this is very interesting so please go on," she urged.

"Well, I'm not sure I ever truly believed in most of this stuff. You know, the doctrines of the Church and all that. In fact, I'm really beginning to question whether or not I believe any of it." I looked at Kate and said, "Are you sure you want me to talk about this with you?"

"Yes. Absolutely! I want to hear all of this because I still have SO many unanswered questions myself." She hesitated then said, "And please know this will all be kept in the strictest of confidences. I'm not Joan, Cal, and I won't say one word to her—or anyone else—about anything you say."

"Thank you for that, Kate. I'll be leaving South Carolina in a couple of months, and while I don't want to burn any bridges or make any enemies, I have to be true to myself, first."

"I totally agree," Kate said. "So what is it that got Joan so upset last night? I remember her saying something about a disgusting habit or a fetish of some kind. Something to do with violating the Word of Wisdom. She was so upset about it I didn't bother to ask any specific questions."

"Oh, that. Okay. Well, this all started when we got back on the topic of marriage. Things were going great at first. She asked me what love meant to me and how I saw men and women in a relationship—specifically in marriage. That was a hint because she wanted to be able to dress me up the way she did Mike. You obviously know Joan was married before and by now, you probably know how she loved to have him look a certain way for her. You know, she'd buy clothes for him so he'd look like some kind of stylish, sophisticated guy—preppy, in my humble opinion—with the dressy sweaters, the monogrammed, button-down shirts with cuff links, the braces rather than belts, razor haircuts, manicures, and all that stuff."

It was heartening to see Kate smile. "I do know about that. She said that's hugely important for her and that any future husband would have to be okay with dressing—sharply. That was the word she used for it. Sharply. It's so important she said it's a 'deal-breaker issue' for her. I have to admit I actually kind of like the preppy look in a guy but that's not the issue. Then again, I also go for the 'bad-boy' look with the tattoos and the long hair, the motorcycle and the whole package."

"Wow, I can't imagine you like that all. You're full of surprises, Miss Kate. Well anyway, I finally told her that I've also had a thing—a huge thing—for women who dress a particular way for as long as I could remember. She asked me 'what way' and when I told her how I felt, she was completely okay with that. I'm sure she thinking that as long as I can him to dress 'successfully' I can go along with his desires to some extent."

Kate stopped me and asked, "So how do you want your future wife to dress, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't mind at all. In fact, you can ask my anything about anything."

Kate smiled and said, "You are so amazing! I can't believe a guy your age can be this open and so willing to talk so freely. It's rare for any man to want to talk about anything but sports or cars or beer or...sex...and getting them to pay attention to what you say is hopeless. This is just so...refreshing." She paused then added, "And I hope you know you can ask me anything, as well."

"Thank you, Kate, and by the way, 'm enjoying talking with you a lot, too," I told her honestly. "Okay, so my thing is this. I like sweaters. A lot. But not just any kind of sweaters. I like the dressy, form-fitting variety and if they're ribbed, that's a huge plus. In fact, sweaters might not be the right word. I like most dressy-looking knit tops whether they be sweaters or not. The ribbed looked gets extra points."

Kate nodded. "So not the stereotypical ugly Christmas sweater or the big bulky thing a fisherman would wear, right?"

"Right! That's exactly what I mean. Don't get me wrong. I like a lot of other things, too. But I would definitely be looking for a woman who wants and who likes to wear those things. I wouldn't even bother trying to convince a woman to do that—or anything else for that matter—that she didn't want to do. I want to find a woman who already does what I like on her own rather than me trying to persuade her to become someone she doesn't really want to be. One of the 'benefits' of living in the Northwest is that it's cold eight or nine months of the year so there are a lot of women who wear what I like all the time anyway. Down South, that's just not the case as it hot as all get out 7-8 months of the year. And humid." I paused then asked, "Does that make any sense?"

"Of course it does," Kate said. "I doubt there are very many men who don't have a 'thing' for something when it comes to women and how they look. You know, lingerie or high heels or...big butts..." Kate and I both laughed out loud at that one.

"Too true!" said while chuckling. "But a big butt is most definitely not my thing! I'm more of a boob man." I realized I was staring at hers as I said that and when I realized that she realized that I was aware...well, let's just say I was a little embarrassed. "Sorry!" I said. "I know your eyes are 'up there' and my apologies for looking 'down there'..."

"Oh, stop!" she said. "I'm actually flattered. But to tell the truth, I've always been a little bit self-conscious about how small I am so..."

"Small? Now you stop!" I said. "I can assure you yours are absolutely perfect." I smiled then said, "It's not that I was staring staring or anything. But in the um...very brief time that my eyes may have lingered there...I couldn't help but notice you're about a full B. Am I close?"

Kate feigned embarrassment and said, "Why, you are not only close but spot on. I am indeed a full B." She waited for a moment then said, "Not exactly what a man who loves his girl in sweaters is looking for though, huh?"

"You couldn't be more wrong," I said politely correcting her. "Now that know I can trust you, I'll tell you that Joan IS too small. I mean, I wouldn't not marry a woman because of her cup size. I'm just being honest about how I feel. She's very cute but she's got the body of a great student—all A's. Sorry. I hope that didn't sound mean." Kate laughed and shook her head telling me it wasn't. I continued by saying, "An 'A' is too small and a 'D' is too big." Kate looked surprised and I was pretty sure why so I said, "There really is such a thing as too big, Kate, and 'D's' or larger don't appeal to me. I can't speak for other guys, but I do have an upper limit, as it were. " Kate laughed and it was nice to see her relaxed and enjoying herself. "So my preference is for the B to C look and you are definitely of the Goldilocks variety in that category—just right."

Kate's face seemed so different. It seemed...happy. I couldn't remember seeing that before.

"Well thank you—again. I haven't been told I'm pretty or that my...girls...are perfect in...in...well, never."

"That's not just unfortunate, Kate. That's unconscionable. You should be told how beautiful you are every single day because...you are."

There was a rather long lull in the conversation before Kate said, "So you like rib-knit tops that hug a girl's figure. That's not so strange, especially in a cold climate. It's definitely not weird, that's for sure. That can't be what got Joan so all-fired angry. What else? What was it that got her so bent out of shape?"

"Well, as you might expect, I like what every man likes...a lot."

"Sex?" Kate asked with a smile.

"Yes, sex. I am a Mormon, but I'm not a virgin. Without going into detail, I'm no Casanova or Don Juan, but I have had my share of um...romantic encounters starting with Karen, whom I mentioned earlier and with um...a couple of...well...much older women. Prior to that, I honestly thought I was meant to always be a virgin."

Kate laughed and then got serious. "You're kidding, right? You can't possibly have thought a guy that looks like you would stay a virgin for very long. I just find that awfully hard to believe. I think you're just being overly modest for some reason."

"However you may see me now and whatever you may think of me in terms of my looks, I still tend to see myself as the kid who was overweight and who had really bad teeth most of his life. In fact, my teeth were so bad, I had the nickname 'Bucky' until I got my braces off after my junior year of high school. I lost the extra weight when I started lifting a few months before I got the braces off and my wrestling coach showed me how to eat a healthy diet with the right amounts of protein. So when I came back for my senior year, I'd gone through this thing people kept telling me was a transformation or a metamorphosis or something. Whatever it was, I definitely wasn't mentally ready for all of the attention I started getting almost literally overnight. I went from being the guy who got ignored on his best days to having some cute girl ask him to kiss her so he could relieve the itch at the back of her throat on his worst days, to routinely being flirted with, asked out, and even outright propositioned by those same cute girls. It was really very surreal for me. But other than Karen who, as I said, was 18 months older than me, I was only really interested in women who were a LOT older than me." I paused to see what Kate's facial expression might reveal and her raised eyebrow told me to go on. "So again, without any specifics, I had a brief affair with two older women in their mid-thirties. The first was with my creative writing teacher and the other was a lonely Mormon woman whose husband was an airline pilot and gone all the time."

Kate's eyes were wide open as I finished telling my story. "Oh, my goodness! That's unreal! Not the affairs so much. I can definitely understand that. It's the transformation part. I mean, all I can see is the guy who's in front me right here and right now, so it seems really hard to believe you were ever overweight. Your smile is perfect but then, I wore braces, too, so that part I can understand. My teeth weren't all that bad, but I can still definitely relate to feeling out of place because of bad teeth." She paused for a moment then said to me, "I think you're an honest person, Cal, so I believe what you just told me. But it really doesn't seem possible. You are a very handsome man. And it makes me sad to think anyone could be that cruel, but I remember how girls are in high school. We can be vicious—especially to each other. Guys duke it out but girls hurt each other with words. What's even more amazing is that you're such a nice person because it seems the more likely reaction would have been to turn the tables on your tormentors and become like them or worse. That you didn't is a real testament to your character."

Kate was so genuinely nice and so caring it actually moved me. For once, I wasn't getting hard thinking about screwing the beautiful woman I was talking to. Instead, I found myself wanting to just take her in my arms and hold her. And I wanted her to do the same to me. I snapped out of my quasi-dreamlike state when I heard her say, "Okay. I'm dying to ask how much older these women were than you, but I won't. I'll just have to settle for 'mid-thirties.' So maybe I'm not really that old to you after all!"

Kate's eyes were so bright and...alive. She was obviously enjoying this as much as I was. It made me think that she probably hadn't talked with any man like this since she before she was married. She changed the subject by saying, "You know I'm still legally married but while we're talking, I just wanted you to know that my husband is the only man I've ever slept with." Kate looked distressed for a moment then said quickly, "Even though he was horrible to me the last few years, I really did enjoy sex back before his drinking got out of control. Even when he first started drinking heavily I still really enjoyed sex." She looked down and then back up as she said, "In fact, I enjoyed it a lot. What was really strange is that I didn't mind it when he first got really aggressive. I actually even liked that which, unlike your sweater thing, really is weird, huh? I mean, what woman enjoys being...manhandled? Just not the way he was the last few years. It went from exciting to frightening because he just kept crossing lines that took something that seemed like it was kind of...taboo...to someone scary." Kate looked at me to see if I appeared to be judgmental in any way. I wasn't so she went on. "It's just that the last year or so he was basically impotent from all the drinking and his behavior went from aggressive—which I enjoyed...a slap or a swat or even a gentle kind of choking me to downright abusive. It got so I couldn't stand to even let him touch me. But I do really like sex. Did I say 'a lot' already?" Her smile was so perfect and so bright. I loved seeing her like this.

She sat there for a minute then continued, "I think I was so attracted to Andy because he was...forbidden. He was this dark, mysterious guy. He was well...dangerous. And this might not sound right but I've sort of always had this desire to be a...bad girl. In fact, that's kind of how I've always thought of myself. Andy fed into that until it got out of control."

I smiled back at her then said, "If it seems hard to imagine I was once invisible to all females on earth, it seems impossible to me that you're someone who wants to be bad. You're just so...wholesome and...sweet. I just can't see you that way. Don't get me wrong. I actually like bad girls. It's just hard to find one who's also loyal and devoted to just one guy. It's like oil and water. You can't get a 'good' bad girl."

Kate put her hand over her mouth to cover her laugh. "You are so funny! Joan must be crazy to let you get away. If I was her, I would be willing to make pretty much any kind of compromise to make things work. And while we're talking, I would be a very good bad girl."

"You're blushing—again," I teased.

"I know! I can't stop it, either. I feel like I'm in junior high again. This is just crazy. I'm not normally like this," she said without looking up at me.

"Like what, Kate? Like someone who's having a nice time? Like someone who feels beautiful again because someone tells her the truth? Like you're important and special? That should be the norm for you, not the exception. You deserve all those things and more." I saw Kate's eyes tear up again so I shifted gears.

"That can't be easy to talk about. I appreciate you trusting me enough to share all that about yourself and your marriage. And while we're on that topic, I don't think anything two consenting adults agree on is weird or wrong or immoral or anything when it comes to the bedroom. So if you enjoy something, you enjoy it. As they say, 'it is what is', right?" Kate smiled and nodded in agreement. "So now you know I like sex and that I have a huge thing for what we'll generically call sweaters. That's the easy part." I sat there for a moment before continuing. "But I have another 'thing' that also begins with 'S' and that's the one that got Joan so upset."

Kate tilted her head to one side and said, "O-kaaay. My curiosity is peaked. I'm running 'bad' words through my mind that begin with an 'S' but I'm at a loss. My first thought was Stripping." She laughed. "Sadism? Sucking? Oops! Did I just say that?" Kate giggled for the first time. "I have no clue. I give up. What's this terrible third 'S' that's so horrible?"

"I'm not sure you're ready for this but I'll share with it you if you want me to. It's something else I really want in any woman I date from here on out. It's such a big deal to me it might even be a 'must have.' And yet there's a huge problem with it for most women—which I completely understand—and the problem is irreconcilable for any Mormon woman."

Kate looked baffled. "Okay, I really am totally stumped. You're gonna just have to tell me."

"Once I do, I'm sure you'll understand why Joan is so upset and whatever good feelings you've had toward me will evaporate and this conversation will come to a grinding halt."

"I can promise you that won't be the case," Kate assured me. "No judgment, remember? So go ahead and just tell me what this big, horrible secret third 'S' is, okay?"

I hesitated then said, "Smoking."

"Cigarettes???" Kate asked. Her tone of voice indicated a kind of disbelief that said "you've got to be kidding me."

"Yes. Cigarettes," I replied. Her head was again slightly cocked to one side which indicated she couldn't believe what she'd just heard. It was that "say that again because I couldn't possibly have heard you correctly" look. So I continued. "I've had this...this...thing...since...well, for quite some time. I was at a baseball game with my dad and I remember seeing this very attractive girl who was maybe eighteen or so. The first thing that caught my attention was the white, ribbed-knit, long-sleeved sweater she was wearing. Talk about form fitting, great boobs, and sexy! The second was that she was smoking. I could NOT stop staring at her. She was just SO incredibly beautiful and I was mesmerized by the long streams of smoke she exhaled as well as by the way she let just a small amount escape as she inhaled and then kind of snapped it all in. I noticed the pack sitting next to her. Virginia Slims Menthol Lights. Anyway, I guess I was 'lucky' because back then, no girl ever noticed whether I was even alive let alone looking at her so I was able to watch her smoke the entire cigarette as she talked with her friends. By the time she put it out, I realized I had the biggest erection of my life up to that point." I stopped talking to see what Kate's face looked like as she smiled and then laughed.