Making Changes

"Oh, my! I guess she really made quite an impression on you then, huh?" Kate said in a way that told me she wasn't laughing at me but at the way I described the situation.

I finished up by saying, "She did indeed and ever since, I've found myself looking for attractive girls and women who smoke and recently, with all the other doubts I've been having about the Church specifically, and religion in general, I realized that's something I really want in any future relationship. And now you know my deepest, darkest secret and the infamous third 'S.' So shall I take you home now or would you prefer I call you a cab so you don't have to be in the same car with me?"

"Um, nooo, there's no need to call a cab or to take me home. I'm not the least bit upset nor do I think any less of you. In fact, that had to be difficult for you to share because smoking really has become so socially unacceptable. And because of the Church and the whole Word of Wisdom thing, I understand why Joan was so upset." Kate quickly added, "I'm not saying I agree with her. I'm just saying it all makes sense now."

"It does," I told her. "And I fully understand. She's thinking, 'I really like this guy. He's really great with my son, he's willing to go along with all my preppy stuff and his things seems pretty tame,' and then I drop this bombshell on her which, for any Mormon girl—as well as for virtually any other girl—is an absolute deal breaker. I get that completely. I don't blame her at all. But from my perspective, I'm just finally realizing what's important to me and I don't ever want to look back and feel like I settled for something less than I want no matter how strange or odd what I want might sound to other people. As they say, we only get one life and there are no dress rehearsals. Looking back, I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just found a way to end our relationship and leave well enough alone. But this need to say what I really feel just welled up inside of me and for once I wasn't willing to pretend or hide or anything else. I just told her honestly how I felt."

Kate said, "I find that very insightful. I mean, I'm almost ten years older than you and I've never once thought about life that way, but it's true. There aren't any dress rehearsals. This is it. So I'm guessing Joan flew off the handle after that. How did she react?"

I drew a deep breath then explained what happened. "At first, she was really upset. As soon as I mentioned it she got very angry. Then she thought about it and asked if perhaps she didn't understand me. Could it be I just meant that I enjoyed watching other attractive women who smoke rather than wanting my wife herself to do so? I could tell she was searching to find some way to hear what she wanted to hear rather than what I'd actually said. She seemed to be thinking maybe we could work around this somehow even though just looking (and lusting) would never be acceptable. But when I told her I really wanted my wife to smoke, that was it. She went off on me about the Church, my priesthood, the Word of Wisdom, leading her on for a year, and a whole lot of other things that were much worse. You seem to have gotten just the Cliff Notes version from her which is still probably more than you wanted to hear."

Kate clearly wasn't angry and I believed her when she said she wasn't even upset. She finally spoke by saying, "Thank you for sharing that with me and again, I won't say a word to Joan or to anyone about this. What you tell me in private stays in private—always."

Kate shifted gears herself and said, "You were right when you said the Church appealed to me because of its stand on alcohol. I could never live with another man who drank like that. I mean, a glass or two of wine or a couple of beers wouldn't bother me." She hesitated before telling me, "Truth be told, I actually enjoyed doing that myself. And oh, my! I was absolutely addicted to sweet tea! I drank several glasses a day every day for as long as I can remember and kicking that habit has been awful! But honestly? That isn't the hardest part about Mormonism for me. I just have so many huge doubts about so many things."

"Such as?" I inquired.

"Well, let's start with the whole Joseph Smith story and the gold plates and about God being a man and people becoming Gods. They all seem so...bizarre. I mean, I love the idea that families can be together for eternity. It sounds so wonderful. But it's like there are all these strings attached to the central concept of an eternal family. Am I terrible for thinking those things when maybe God put Joan in my life at work to guide me towards the Church? Is that just the Adversary trying to keep me from joining the Church?" (Mormons tend to say "the Adversary" rather than "the devil" or even Satan.)

I shook my head and said, "No. It isn't terrible at all and in my opinion, there is no Adversary whispering things in our ear. As to leading you to Joan, why wouldn't a God who cares that much have just kept you from a man like your husband in the first place? Why would he let you go through all of that heartache, pain, and abuse? To teach you some kind of lesson? I gotta tell you, Kate, I have serious issues with that kind of 'logic.' And doctrinally, I have those same doubts myself. You probably don't know anything about what goes on inside the Mormon temples because they say won't discuss it claiming it's sacred but it's essentially the same ritual used by the Masons only without a blindfold. And guess which prominent Mormon leaders were master Masons? Yep! Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. So if I haven't completely scared you off yet, this almost certainly will. I'm not sure I even believe in God any more, let alone the Mormon Church."

Kate still didn't look spooked. She said, "I have to say I'm surprised to hear you say these things, but I'm most definitely not disappointed. It's surprising because pretty much everyone at church talks about 'Brother Cal' as the guy who knows everything about Church history and who knows so many verses of scripture, and all the women say he's the guy who's the ultimate 'best catch' in the ward." (Ward is the Mormon word for a local church.)

"Me? The ultimate catch? Really?" I shook my head. "That surprises me. I believe they say the other stuff because I've read a ton of church books as well as the Bible and the Book of Mormon several times each. I tend to get into the details of anything I do. I hope that translates well into my endeavors with engineering."

"It shouldn't," Kate said. "Surprise you, I mean. Not the translating thing. The part about being a great catch. You're not only very good looking, but you're at the base gym lifting weights all the time and well...Church girls aren't supposed to notice, but I saw you raking leaves in the back yard a couple of weeks ago with your shirt off and...well...I'll just say your workout routine is very effective." Kate smiled again as she emphasized the word 'very.' "But it isn't just physical. It's all those other things I mentioned that would make you such a desirable husband for any Mormon girl."

"Then I guess I'm doomed!" I said. "If my knowledge of Church history and so forth is a positive trait, I'm afraid all of these other negatives are going to wipe my slate clean and even leave a big old stinking mess on it! And that's before we get to the part about wanting to marry a woman who enjoys smoking. I'm afraid I'm screwed!" I paused for effect then said wryly, "Actually, it looks like I'm NOT going to be getting screwed any time soon by any Mormon woman!"

Kate laughed again and told me, "Your doubts about the Church and even your interest in smoking don't negate the fact that you're a great guy and a really good listener, by the way. Girls notice these kinds of things and they all notice how you treat everyone else so well and that includes all of the girls at church who have no chance with you but who have crushes on you nonetheless. There are actually quite a few of them in case you weren't aware of that, either. You're nice to every one of them and yet you could be a real jerk because of the way those cute girls treated you in the past, and you could probably get away with it because you're so good looking. But instead, you make each one of them feel special and important." Kate looked down and away again before saying, "Like you've made me feel today."

I shook my head and said, "Wow again. That's really nice of you to say. I just don't see myself that way, but thank you, Kate. I wish Joan was able to tell me those kinds of things. Or at least I did. It seems like getting a compliment from her is worse than pulling teeth. I'm always telling her how nice she looks or how much I appreciate something she does, but it only ever goes one way."

Kate sighed, drew a long breath then said, "Here's my take on Joan. I see her as a very spoiled girl, Cal. Her daddy doted her growing up and he still calls her his little princess. I think she knows she's very pretty and doesn't realize you're way out of her league." I started to interrupt when Kate said, "No, really. You are and I'm not the only one who feels that way. Just please let me finish, okay?" I nodded and she continued. "Joan also thinks she's entitled to a lot of things. A handsome man she can control is just one of them. Mike is also very attractive guy although even he isn't nearly as cute as you are. Joan wants a huge home, fancy cars, beautiful clothes, and membership in an exclusive country club. She needs her husband to have an impressive title and an even more impressive income. I have to tell you her biggest reservation about you prior to last night was that you don't have any money. I mean 'real money' by her definition and not just a job. She's worried that engineers don't make six figures and even worse, she can't stand the though of having to 'go without' through at least four years of college and maybe several more years as you get established. Now I'm sorry, but to me, that is just exactly the wrong way to look at a marriage. In my opinion, she should be thankful to have found such a wonderful, decent man who is so good to her and who treats her year-old son like his own. Who cares how much money you have if you can be happy? Who cares what kind of house you live in if you live in it with the man who loves you like that? So while I understand her concerns, I just don't get them. Well, except for the smoking thing. And even there, I hope you're not upset with me because I'm not taking Joan's side. I'm just being honest. You've said it yourself and it's true. No Mormon girl could accept that even if she wanted to please you."

"Kate?" I said looking for a chance to break in. "I'm not only not upset, I find your honesty refreshing. I also think you're incredibly insightful yourself and you nailed it with regard to Joan. I've had some of those same thoughts but you put them into words—perfectly. So thank you for that, thank you for listening—you really ARE an amazingly good listener—and thank you for being so honest." I sat there for a moment before saying, "It's almost time to head back to Joan's for your party. I just wanted to say one more thing since we're both being completely honest with you."

"I'm listening," Kate said playfully.

"Things are essentially over with Joan, but I'm going to officially end them tonight. I hope that won't ruin what's left of your not-so-surprising surprise party. I just wanted to tell you that I would really very much like to ask you out but now that you know about my um...three 'S's', I won't embarrass myself by asking you because I don't need the extra rejection on top of my relationship with my girlfriend coming to a rather bitter end. I just wanted you to know that you are exactly the kind of woman I'm looking for and that I'm already envious of your future husband." I smiled bravely even though I felt pretty deflated after having spilled my guts knowing I was losing my current girlfriend and had no chance with this gorgeous older woman I would dearly love to date.

I now understood why Kate lacked the confidence most woman as attractive as her had but it still surprised me. She seemed so fragile and yet so sincere when she told me, "You know, it should be pretty obvious by now that I would love you to ask me out—once you're single again. I can't tell you that I want to smoke, but I can tell you that I really enjoy talking with you and I would be willing to at least discuss all of this with you. So...if you really would like to go out sometime..."

Kate's voice trailed off. She suddenly looked at her watch and said, "You're right. We're gonna be late. We'd better get going."

As we pulled into Joan's driveway, Kate said, "I had the best time talking with you, Cal. Thank you for all of the kind things you said. You have no idea how much I needed to hear them. And when I comes to finding your Miss Right, never say never. I think you might be surprised at what some women would be willing to do for the right man."

Kate didn't have to tell me what it was she was referring to exactly. I understood her without her having to spell it out. What I didn't know was whether she was referring to herself or to "some women" in a generic sense. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if what she said meant this was something she might think about actually considering. Then again, at her age, there was really zero chance she was going to be the one to fulfill all of my fantasies AND be the woman I would want to marry. That much was certain. But she just seemed so perfect in every other way. I was as sure of that as I was that the perfect woman WAS out there—somewhere. I just had to face the fact that I was also going to have to part ways with the Mormon Church and begin looking for women who were already involved with two of my 'S's. Only by then asking those women out could I learn if they were also interested in sex as much I was.

So tonight I would end my relationship with Joan and in the very near future I would sever ties with the LDS Church. I still wasn't exactly sure when or how but that I would was certain.

The lights were off in the house as I once again opened the door for Kate. Since she lived here, there was no need to knock. It was locked so again I used the key. As I turned the doorknob, I whispered to Kate, "Remember to look surprised" as I pushed it open. Kate stepped in and a half second later the lights came on followed by a loud unified call of SURPRISE! Noisemakers squealed and people clapped for the birthday girl. Kate put her hands over her face and said, "Oh, my goodness! You shouldn't have!"

Joan stepped forward and said over the noise, "Oh, yes we should have! You deserve this, Kate. Happy birthday!" Just then, she noticed me standing next to the door. She shot a cold, icy glance my way but managed to keep the smile on her face as she led Kate toward the snacks, cake, and punch. For the next hour or so, everyone mingled, congratulated Kate, and then she opened the handful of presents the guests had brought.

Once everyone cleared out after the party was over, Joan asked Kate if she would mind excusing excuse herself for a moment. She headed into the kitchen while Joan asked me to sit down and then said tersely, "First of all, let me thank you for setting all this up. Had you not already volunteered to do this I'd have asked you not to come. But it was too late to do that so I appreciate you getting everything taken care of. It really looks very nice. But I want you leave right now. In fact, I think it best we don't see each other anymore. I'll take care of cleaning this all up myself."

I was actually kind of relieved Joan had done all the dirty work for me. "It was my pleasure. Kate deserves this after all she's been through. We had a nice talk today and..."

Joan raised her finger and almost hissed, "Let me tell you something. I will not let you spread your disgusting and repugnant interests to my friend. You are nothing but a hypocrite of the highest order and I want you to leave. Now! And you also need to leave her alone. Is that clear?"

I stayed poised and said calmly, "What you want is very clear and I will be be leaving very soon. However, unless you now speak for Kate, what she wants may not be the same thing that you want."

Joan was almost trembling with anger. She wasn't used to any man talking to her like that and losing control of a situation was something she couldn't tolerate.

"You may think you're really something with your muscles and your hair and great smile but you're nothing to me now. I can't believe I was ever interested in you. What kind of man—especially one who holds the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood—thinks watching a woman smoke is sexy? It's disgusting! You're sick and you're disgusting and I want you out of my house right now!"

"As you wish," I said quietly. "Let me just tell Kate goodbye."

"Oh, no you don't! I said right now and that means NOW!" Joan was still shaking and pointing to the front door.

I ignored her and headed to the kitchen where Kate was standing. I stepped inside and said, "Hey, it's getting a little bit crazy out there and I just wanted to say I had a really nice..."

"I told you to leave NOW!" Joan screamed as she followed me into the kitchen. "This is MY house. NOT hers. Get out—NOW!"

Kate looked petrified. I couldn't help but wonder if this might be the kind of verbal abuse she got from her husband and what effect it might be having on her right now when it came to her feelings about the Joan and the Mormon Church itself. I didn't want to create an even bigger scene so I looked at her and said, "I really enjoyed talking with you. I'll call you soon if that's okay."

Joan was nearly frothing at the mouth. "Don't you DARE call my house! You are not welcome here and Kate doesn't need you to call her or even talk to her!"

I looked at Kate and said very calmly, "I believe that decision is Kate's to make." I didn't say another word as I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I just remember thinking as I got in the car, "Dude, you just avoided a HUGE land mine. What a nut case! Good riddance, Joan. I pity your next victim."

Chapter 2

When I went in to work the next day I met the new guy who'd be replacing me. I also learned I'd be going out to Fallon, Nevada, for two weeks with our F-18 squadron to show him the ropes. I couldn't really complain because he was going to be there for six weeks and I'd had enough of Fallon (and Iraq and Afghanistan) for one lifetime. So two weeks was a cake walk.

I decided to call Kate during my lunch break. She was a receptionist for an OB-GYN team in Beaufort and Joan was a relatively new RN. That meant there was zero chance she'd be the one picking up the phone—not that I really cared. I was just SO glad to be out from under her and her control-freak ways. Kate picked up on the second ring and I said, "Hi beautiful. Do you have a minute to talk?"

"Cal! Hi! Sure but only just a minute. It's been crazy busy here this morning. How are you?" Kate bubbled.

"Fine, thanks. Listen, I was wondering if you might like to have dinner with me on Friday. I just found out I'm leaving for a couple weeks next Monday and I'd really like to see you—again."

"I would love to have dinner with you! But honestly? I'd be just as happy going for a walk or doing something that doesn't cost money. But I'd be glad to go to dinner with you, too."

That was one of the things I already liked about Kate. She meant it when she said she didn't need things to make her happy whereas Joan HAD to have them and still wasn't happy once she got them. I chided myself again for ever getting involved with her.

"I know you don't need me to spend money on you. This is just something I'd really like to do. I've found myself thinking about you and our conversation non-stop since we talked and I'd like the opportunity to get to you know you better."