Making Changes

"Same here," Kate said sincerely. "So dinner it is. At least that will give me an excuse to wear this really cute new sweater I just bought," she said playfully.

"Kate. Please understand that you don't need to do that for me. I was honest in telling you what I like but I would never, ever ask—let alone try and demand—that a woman do anything for me."

Kate said, "I've got other calls so I have to go but please know I do the things I do because I want to, not because I feel like I have to, okay? So I'll see you Friday?"

"I'll pick you up at 7 o'clock, it that's okay. See you then?"

"It's a date! Bye, Cal."

The week flew by getting the squadron ready to deploy. When I pulled into Joan's driveway on Friday, I didn't see her car which was a relief in that I just didn't feel like putting up with her nonsense. I went to the door, rang the doorbell, and waited. It was well worth the short wait. Kate opened the door and invited me in.

"Okay, I know I shared my preferences with you but did you somehow crawl into my head and find out what my absolute favorite look is?" I said partly teasing but also with complete sincerity.

"So this is okay?" Kate asked.

"Okay? No, it isn't okay. It's—sensational. It's—amazing. It's...you're...beautiful." Kate was wearing a powder blue, rib-knit sweater with a jewel neckline and 3/4 length sleeves. She also had on a short black skirt—short by LDS standards anyway—that fell about three inches above her knee, and a pair of black, open-toed high heels with barely black stockings. Her matching silver earrings and necklace really set off her pretty face which had a modest amount of makeup but no lipstick—another huge plus. "Did Joan tell you I don't care too much for lipstick or is that your preference?"

"You might not remember but I heard you say that to Joan about a month ago when you came to take her to the Labor Day dance at the ward."

"Ah, right! Well, regardless of the reason, I like it and I absolutely love the way you look."

We drove down to Savannah where I had reservations at an Italian restaurant that was nice but not overly pricey. Marine sergeants didn't make a l of money although I'd managed to put away several thousand dollars to help me get through college. That, along with the GI Bill, should be adequate. Or at least I hoped it would. A part-time job might also be necessary but I was more than willing to whatever it took to get my education. I'd enlisted to escape my small hometown where my dad and his dad had both worked for Weyerhaeuser. That was fine for them, but I wanted something better for myself. The military was ticket out and the GI Bill my path to a college degree and a career in engineering.

"This is nice," Kate said as we were seated. "It's so quaint and so quiet."

Our server introduced himself and asked us if we'd like to order drinks or appetizers. Without asking Kate I said, "Two sweet teas, please."

Kate's eyes opened wide as she stared at me. "I do not believe you just did that! You know I'm an addict and if I have one glass, I'll be back on tea for life."

I looked back at her and smiled saying, "No one is going to force you to drink it. In fact, I can go have him cancel the order and get you a glass of delicious tap water."

"Don't you dare!" Kate said in mock anger. "I haven't had sweet tea in weeks and I'm dying for some." She looked around as though someone might be watching and then said, "I feel like I'm doing something SO bad!"

I leaned closer and said, "I know. Isn't it fun!"

Kate laughed and leaned closer to me. As she looked up we were less than four inches away from each other. Our eyes met and I could see hers looking back and forth at both of mine. I leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips. Her beautiful blue eyes closed as she parted her mouth slightly in anticipation. As our lips parted Kate murmured softly, "Mmmm..."

I said very quietly, "I wanted to do that yesterday so bad I could hardly stand it."

"And I wanted you to. It was definitely worth the wait," Kate replied softly.

Our iced teas were placed in front of us and we both ordered our entrees. "To...changes," I said in a toast. Kate lifted her glass and repeated, "To changes!" as we clinked glasses.

"Oh, my!" she moaned after taking her first sip. "That might just be better than sex!" Kate immediately put her hand over her mouth as though she'd something wrong and then she laughed. "Okay. I love sweet tea but that definitely isn't as good as sex. Well, at least as far as I remember anyway," she added.

We talked some more about Joan and the breakup and then she asked about my upcoming two-week deployment to Nevada. "I can't believe you have to go away so soon," Kate lamented. "It seems kind of unfair. It's like I'm being teased with being able to get to have you and then have you taken away." She stopped for a moment and then said, "That didn't sound right, did it? I didn't mean have you, have you, or anything. I just meant..."

"I understood what you meant," I assured her. "I feel the same way. I kind of feel cheated, too. I've spent the last year dating someone I knew wasn't right for me and then I finally meet someone who is and then I have to leave. The good news is this isn't a long deployment. It sure beats 6-8 months in Iraq or Afghanistan."

Kate had been smiling and then she turned serious. "But let's be honest. I'm not completely right for you and you and I both know you wouldn't be happy with me or with any woman who wasn't everything you want." I started to respond but Kate indicated she needed to finish her thought. "I understand feeling like you wasted many months with Joan but I wasted many years with my husband. I feel like I just met the man of my dreams, but I know that I'm not the woman of his. And there is no way I would pursue a relationship with you because now that I know what's really important to you, I understand that I could never make you happy unless I started..."

I forced myself into the conversation. "Okay, stop right there, please. Just as with wearing things I like, I would never, EVER even ask a woman to do something as serious as smoking. Ever. Love is many things to many people but making demands like that isn't love. I like the following saying because it really captures how I feel about love. It goes like this: you can give without loving but you can't love without giving. That's very short but it's also very profound. You can't buy someone's love with presents and gifts. You can't make someone happy with things. But if you truly love them, you can't help but give. Time, money, affection, or whatever. To me, love is a verb, not a noun. If I love you, then my actions will show it. I will give, not because I expect a reward, not because it's my duty; but I will give because I can't not give. I will be so moved by love that I won't be able to keep from giving. But I would never expect any woman to do something as extreme as start smoking for me. Besides, if I did somehow manage to persuade her to so, and if she ever regretted it, I would feel guilty and guilt is something I don't like feeling. It's yet another reason why I'm done with religion. Does that make sense?"

Again, I was almost certain I saw tears well up in Kate's eyes. She turned and blinked and then it was gone. She looked right at me and said, "I've never heard that saying that before but that is exactly how I feel, too. I wore this tonight because I wanted to do it for you. I wasn't hoping to get a nice dinner for it—or anything else for that matter. I just couldn't not wear what you like because...well, because I really like you, Cal. And I have to say that what you just said moved me more than anything else anyone has ever said to me. Loving means giving—willfully, intentionally, and happily. I couldn't agree with you more. All I've ever really wanted was a husband who would love me like that and who would accept that kind of love from me." We sat quietly for a moment before Kate said, "I couldn't help but notice you used the past tense when you said you're done with religion. Does that mean you've decided to leave the Church?"

Our entrees arrived just then and Kate paused for a moment to see whether or not I was going to ask a blessing on the food. I looked at her and said, "Fuck it. Let's eat."

Kate's eyes grew wide again in mock astonishment followed by an immediate laugh. "Okay! That answers my question! You are just full of surprises, aren't you?" she said.

We were about half way through our meal before either of us spoke again. I finally said, "Kate? I wanted to tell you I really like you, too. And honestly? I think it just might be possible for me to live very happily with two out the three of my 'S's.' I know we just met, but I've never had the kind of feelings for any woman like I've had for you. You're everything I'm looking for from the inside to the outside. I won't say anything crazy like 'I love you' but I really, really like you—a lot."

Kate sat her fork down and took a sip of tea. "I have the exact same feelings for you too, Cal. You're everything I've wanted and been waiting for but when I heard you tell me yesterday what's important to you, I heard real conviction in your voice. There was a genuine passion. I didn't imagine that and you can't possibly say you didn't mean it because you did. You know what you want and getting some or even most of it won't be enough for you. I've never once even tried smoking and I'm almost 30 years old. You deserve to have what you want—everything you want—and that means finding a woman who enjoys smoking and there are still many tens of thousands of them out there. If you settle for anything less, you'll end up feeling resentful and that will put tremendous strain on the relationship and affect it everywhere to include the bedroom. So as much as I'd love to be serious with you, I know I can't be that girl for you."

"There's something else you should know about me," I said. "I hate having to admit when I'm wrong. That said, I'm always willing to do so. I just don't enjoy doing it. And in this case, you're 100% right. You really did hear me correctly yesterday and you are also completely right about how I'd feel if I compromised on something that was so important to me. You're not only gorgeous, you're very smart."

Kate forced a smile and gave me a kiss on my cheek. We didn't say much more the rest of the meal or on the way home. I did notice Joan's Buick in the driveway when we pulled in and I thought to myself, "Uh, oh. This can't be good."

"Let me walk you to the door, okay?" I said as I opened Kate's door to let her out.

"I don't think that would be such a good idea, Cal. Joan is probably going to light into me when I go inside. It would just make things worse if the two of you have words first."

I closed her door and said, "Okay. If you think that's best. You've been right about everything else tonight so it might be best if I leave now."

"I had a really nice time," Kate said with deep sincerity. "And I really do like you—a lot. If there was any way I could..."

"Don't," I said interrupting. "There isn't and I would never ask. Besides, I'd just go from liking you—a lot—to falling in love with you and then we'd have a real problem because you're not even divorced yet and..."

Kate laughed again. "You see! You have this way of making me feel better no matter how down I might be. My divorce won't be final for another six months or so because he's contesting it but it will happen. Divorce or no divorce, if we were in love that wouldn't matter to me. I mean, if we can just throw caution to the wind and violate the Word of Wisdom by drinking iced tea, then why we couldn't we shack up together for a few months, right?" Kate laughed again at her own words and I found myself laughing, too.

I put my hands on her upper arms and told her, "You are so beautiful when you smile," I said. "Then again, you're also beautiful when you don't." I leaned down and kissed her goodnight. It was a longer but still soft, gentle kiss. Kate moaned softly again.

As the kiss ended, we both looked over and saw Joan standing at the front window looking out at us. "Uh, oh. You really are in trouble," I said. "Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you?"

"No, thanks. I'm a big girl. And like you, I need to deal with my own relationship with Joan. She can have her opinions, but she can't control mine." She started toward the front door then stopped and said to me, "As much as I need a place to stay, I won't put up with being berated. So don't worry, okay? I'll be fine."

I had to get a lot of things done over the weekend to get ready to leave on Monday. I was so busy I didn't get a chance to call Kate until late on Sunday. She couldn't afford a cell phone so I dialed Joan's number hoping Kate would pick up. When the phone was answered, it was Joan. I asked for Kate and Joan hissed, "She doesn't live here anymore and she has you to thank for that! It's bad enough that you've chosen to become an apostate, but you just had to drag Kate down with you, didn't you? You couldn't just turn your back on the Church on your own. You had to make sure and bring Kate along with you. How DARE you get her drinking tea again? Have you NO decency? Do you care about anyone but yourself?"

Before I could answer Joan screamed, "You make me SICK!" followed by the sound of the phone slamming down on the receiver.

I didn't have a chance to ask her where Kate went and I doubted she'd have told me anyway. So for the next 15 days, I had no way to get ahold of her but I had to admit that after our second talk on Friday night, that might not be such a bad thing after all. She really was almost everything I wanted and now I knew that almost wasn't good enough.

Working 12-hour days seven days a week plus hitting the weight room every day made the time fly by and my replacement was fully 'locked and cocked' by the time I left. I knew he'd do a good job for the squadron.

I got back late on a Tuesday and after dropping my stuff off at my apartment, I headed out to the local Bi-Lo to pick up some groceries as both the cupboards and my refrigerator were bare.

The store was closing in 15 minutes but that was plenty of time to pick up what I needed. I grabbed tuna, chicken, skim milk, and all the stuff I needed for my protein-heavy diet and I was on my way out when out of the blue, I decided I was going to buy a six-pack of beer. I was a health fanatic obsessed with diet and exercise. I'd never even tried alcohol before as I'd joined the Mormon church as a teenager. But I decided during this last deployment that I was going to break as many rules of the Mormon Church as I could. I'd skipped church my last Sunday in town, didn't go the two weeks I was deployed and vowed to never go again. I was done with that mess. No, I was done with that shit! I smiled at having used "foul language" as I dropped the six-pack of Bud Light into the cart. Another rule down. A thousand more to go!

I was heading to the check out counter when I heard a familiar voice. "Little late for grocery shopping isn't it?"

I turned around and right behind me was Kate who was caring a small basket which had a few items in it. "Well, well. Aren't you the pot calling the kettle black!" I said in response.

"Okay. That's true," Kate said. "I'm at mamma's house now—well, since the next morning after our dinner date. Joan blew a gasket when I told her I went out with you and it got even worse when I told her I had a glass of iced tea. It was really ugly. I didn't say a word. I just went to my room, closed the door, and got up the next morning ready to leave."

We both stopped as we heard a scratchy announcement" "Bi-Lo will be closing in five minutes. Please take your purchases to the front register."

"Guess we're being kicked out," I said. "Can we talk, Kate? Is it too late to stop by my place?"

Kate looked in my cart, saw the beer, and asked, "Are you inviting me over for a beer by any chance?"

"Busted!" I said as I raised my hands as though I was about to be arrested. "You caught me red handed, officer. The truth is, I've never had a beer in my entire life but that's going to change tonight. So if you'd like to have one with me..."

"Oh, my! You might need an adult in the room with you if this is indeed your very first beer. I have to drop off the milk and ice cream at mamma's but I can be there in about 15 minutes if that's okay?"

"Well, that's pretty close to my bedtime but I'm thinking about violating that rule, too," I confessed. "In fact, I've decided to break a lot of rules."

"Oh, really?" Kate said. "Hmmm. Seems like we have something else in common then!"

"Oh, really? back at you," I said in semi-mock surprise. "I can't wait to hear about this."

"Nor can I," Kate said with an evil smile. "See you soon?"

We finished checking out and I headed home and put things away. I didn't own any beer mugs and I wasn't sure if one drank beer out of a glass or from the bottle. I wasn't very good at sinning. Note to self: get better at that.

Kate showed up a few minutes later and I invited her in and asked her about the beer. "Oh, straight from the bottle for me! I'm not a fancy chick, remember?" she said with a smile.

I unscrewed two bottle caps and handed one to her. "Cheers!" I said.

"Sip it slowly, okay?" Kate warned. "This isn't kool aid."

"More sage advice! Thank you, oh smart one," I told her.

"At least you didn't say, 'O' old one' so as they said in Caddyshack, at least I got that goin' for me, right?"

I laughed at the movie-line reference and took a sip. The taste really surprised me. "This stuff is awful!" I said holding it out and looking at the label.

"It's...an acquired taste," Kate announced. "Kind of like smoking."

"Okay, okay. Please don't start in on that. I already felt bad enough after our date and then I couldn't get ahold of you over the weekend before I left and now that you're here with me I don't want to 'go there.' I just want to talk to you. I've missed you, Kate," I said as I took another, slightly larger sip. "Okay, that wasn't quite as bad," I mused.

"So tell me about your deployment," Kate said as we sat on my old couch.

"What's to tell?" I said. "Same old thing. Working 12 hours a day in the heat. The only good thing is it's 'only' getting up into the low 90s there this time of year. In the summer, it routinely hits 110 or higher every day but that's still not as hot as it got at Al Asad air base in Iraq. The good news is I got my replacement trained so I'm pretty much on auto pilot for the last two months. But I want to hear about you. Tell me about the big argument and the move and whatever else is new."

Kate took a longer drink and then tried to suppress a belch. "Oh, my! That's why I prefer wine to beer! Sorry about that."

I laughed and said, "Wine. I'll have to remember that. Red or white?" I asked as though I knew what I was talking about.

"That depends. Are we having chicken, fish, or beef?" Kate queried.

"I really do have a lot to learn about sinning, don't I?" I quipped. We both laughed and took another long drink of our beers.

"Well, after the big blowout with Joan, I really didn't know what to do. Like most people, I love my mother, but she can really get on my last nerve very quickly with all of her nitpicking and her rules and her non-stop advice. Ever since my daddy died, she's been pretty much a bitter old shrew. I love her dearly but she can be so...difficult. I never even seriously considered living with her after I left Andy and then Joan stepped in and offered me a room in her house so I took the path of least resistance. After the ordeal with Joan, I had nowhere left to turn so I drove over to mamma's and told her what happened. She insisted I move in with her that very day. For all her faults she is as loyal as they come and she is very protective of her children."