All Comments on 'Marissa & Nev Pt. 01'

LOVED IT!!!!

They were weird, but they were real. They felt like everyone, with imperfect bodies and insecurities and so damned horny. I hope that Foster and Marissa keep each other's feelings safe. 5*

ok, but a bit longer. too much talk.

A diamond in the rough.

The idea and premise of this story are great, but the execution? Not so much. I found a lot of the dialog to be very juvenile. It was difficult to read because it was heavily laced with teenage slang and meter. (Research rhyme and meter). Some of the character actions are unreasonable and unrealistic, for example "ten dates".

I'm looking forward to more of this, but I hope that you can clean it up next time, grammatically. 3/5

I thought this story was great!! Drop down into the comments to say so and see a Dude in comments says he has a problem with the fact that author writes younger people the way younger people talk. That made me LOL like for reals. My Dude makes a compliment into an insult!! I didn't notice none of it. Just a hot story. Maybe 6 pages was a little much but hey. It got me there.

Hopefully there is a chapter 2. But I can't read that shit until tomorrow. If you know what I mean!!

I liked it I shall read some more.

While the concept was good the writing was difficult to follow and the characters felt ill-defined. The facial description was very good.

Good story, tough to follow though, to much back and forth talking.

I decided that with the publication of Chapter 4 that I needed to restart from the beginning and read all of it through once again. It was still painful to struggle through, but I stuck it out because the whole brother/sister/sister's bff trope is a favorite of mine.

The one thing that became clear to me by rereading this was what you could have done to improve it and make it easier for the reader to understand the motivation of the three main characters. You should have written a prolog that begins with Marrisa noticing for the first time that she has an attraction to her brother Foster. Maybe even throw in there her reasons for not allowing Foster to date her other friends before Nev comes into the picture. It's never blatantly stated, but the inference is that Foster and Marrisa have each crushed on the other prior to the beginning of the story. Nev crushing on Foster is, however, very obvious so she wouldn't necessarily need to be included in the Prolog with Foster and Marrisa.

Marrisa's motivation for having sex with Foster in the beginning of the story initially leads the reader to think that she's just doing it for the sake of gaining actual experience. It isn’t until her actions at Grandma's house that we learn that she's in love because she demands cuddling from her brother. She also lays clear claims to him for herself and Nev.

I'm not going to change my vote and my assertion about the poor execution still stands, but with understanding comes an improved opinion of the story. 3/5