All Comments on 'Mark's Revenge Pt. 01'

Thank you for the disclaimer. It was greatly appreciated.

These multi chapter stories that are only two pages could actually be submitted as asingle story. Pardon my mistake however I do see some good parts in your story. It was hard to follow at times which means you need a good editor.

@Master_Doctor, Thank you for the comment. The disclaimer covers most of the extreme tags. Every chapter won't have these themes however I wanted the readers to be aware. Other themes maybe added as the story progress.

@Anonymous, Thank you for the comment. Literotica pages can handle about 3750 words which is quite a lot for an amateur author. I prefer to break it up into characters and events. However, given the length, I can try to make them longer. I guess for this chapter, we were going through Mark`s day. A lot of characters were introduced as well. I will improve the pace.

This is one of those stories that I always tend to emotionally relate to and the more I read about his abuses he has to deal with, the more angry I get. I look forward to the revenge part which in my opinion is actually justice considering they had not even considered the fact that Mark could have died in the forest after being dumped there post being hit by the drunk bully prick in the car. I also hate those people who always thought they were better since they had money but it wasn’t their money and they haven’t accomplished anything in life so they were all basing their worth on nothing. It was always nice to see them as losers later in life when they actually had to work to acquire wealth.

A well-written story with enough detail to make it flow in a natural manner. The abuses are described as to make one think they are an onlooker. The only point that went wrong was the name change near the end.

Well, a pretty good start but it went a bit fast between Grace and Mark having sex. We know he cares for her a lot, and his mother too. The quick turn to sex was sudden and would have liked if they were a bit more loving with each other before hopping into bed. I don't know if the head bump is the cause for the possible revenge theme but why no bruising or body injuries? He was hit by a car and landed on his head. Those would have left quite a bit of a sore body for sure. Well, the next chapter is already written and published, let's see where this goes now and maybe some questions will be answered.

Writing needs work. Seems very stilted and not natural. Good start but work is needed on the writing style. It does not flow well. Each sentence, in some cases, just stand alone but they are one after another.

Here is an example:

"Mark increased his pace. He started moving his hips quicker. Grace moaned. He leaned down and kissed her."

Each sentence does not seem right. How about: "Increasing his pace caused Grace to moan louder. Leaning down he kissed her smothering her moan."

And it stand to reason if he increased his pace his hips would move faster - duh. And changing the sentence gives a reason Grace moaned.

I suggest an editor would help.

Let’s get to the revenge!!!!!!

Well, we know that Mark (or is it Ben?) that loves his mom and sister. There was no need to start with having sex with his sister; and how does this deal with the revenge bit? As another pointed out the sentence flow needs to be ironed out a bit. I know I am starting late and there are three more chapters to read. Kind of a good start about why the revenge thing will happen but the sex part gives it only a 3 for now.

Who is Ben? Suddenly he was having sex with Grace and Mark didn't react.

"I am going in," Mark said.

Grace nodded. She held the sheet on the bed. Ben slowly inserted his penis inside. He could feel there was a lot of resistance.

"Ben, slowly you are big," Grace said.

Ben slowed down and went even slowly. He stopped for a second. He saw Grace out in pain. He let her adjust.

"Are you okay sis?" Mark asked.

Can tell you are British by the writing. Sentence structure is way off and difficult to read in a steady flow. You need an accomplished editor.

Ben? Proof Read.

I was horrible back in my English and grammar classes. So when I say that even I can see the errors in the writing, that's not good. Get a proof reader. If the sudden insertion of Ben into the story wasn't bad enough, there's always the staccato pulse of the dialog. The unnatural use of language. The lack of fluidity when the characters are conversing.

I bailed after the introduction of the double descriptor redhead and the terrible unnatural dialogue that followed.

No reason to continue after red flags that early.

Starts with a good setup for a revenge story. Then suddenly he gets with his sister. No build up, barely any dialogue between them, they just do it. That was just weird. Writing was noticeably worse from that point.