All Comments on 'Master Controller Act 01: Origination'

Good beginning of what could be a multi chapter story.

Can't wait to see how he handles the "Ladies" at work, especially Nela!!

I saw your disclaimer and the fetishes listed in it are not for me so I didn't read your story. Thank you for not wasting my time reading a story I wouldn't like. I give you 5 stars just for this.

This was a solid introduction, good job. I'm also looking forward to him turning the tables on his girlfriend and the women at work!

I read the disclaimer but took a chance and started reading it anyway. Couldn't make it past the first page. Even for a mind-control sex story, it was too unbelievable. No people would talk or act like this, even in a story of this genre. Glad I didn't spend time reading pages 2 & 3

Duly noted. I appreciate your feed back.

But now the getting back at Crystal & Nela . I think both would look cute in Diaper's , Onesie's & Pacfier's. Then the women in his Dept. should also get a Taste of Humiliation running for Coffee that's never Right

Seriously over the top with the bullying. There's no need to have the antagonists' actions be so incredibly outlandish. It's hard to imagine even a semi-dystopian-crazy-4th-wave-feminazi future where even someone without enough self esteem to fill a thimble would ever let things go beyond the initial situation that was sprung on this MC in the HR scene.

Seriously, who on Earth wouldn't quit and sue the instant they were out of that room where they felt trapped? And in what alternate dimension does a whole company (3/4 "feminazi" or otherwise) think for even a millisecond that they could possibly get away with such?

OK, *maybe* he wouldn't sue due to how taking his problem to an authority figure had just played out, but there's no way that anyone on Earth doesn't immediately quit that job -- unless they're (A) completely desperate to retain that particular employment for some reason, or (B) *already* have some idea for how to turn the tables and wreak vengeance.

I very nearly bailed over that, but didn't just because I'd already skipped ahead to a future chapter and read enough to glean that it'd (probably) soon become something much less jarring.

Now... I'm sorry that was so harsh. I really didn't mean this to turn into such a rant, but I do feel it's all stuff you need to hear... though perhaps framed a bit more tactfully.

Overall, the quality of the writing itself is quite good, with the exception of some minor errors that slipped through editing ("the write programming" in place of "right," for example). The dialogue felt very natural for the most part.

I think you have the potential to be a pretty good writer on here. Heck, for all I know, the following chapters may well prove that fact.

But however good your writing is on a technical level, and however good the rest of the story may be, I wholeheartedly advise you to rewrite and resubmit this chapter to make the antagonists' bullying far less absurd. You don't need anywhere near this level of cringe to make the MC - and audience - hate your antagonists enough to validate the imminent mind controlling.

Good intro, but the degrading was so outlandish. It good to have over an the top scenes, but they need to be at least some what believable.

I can’t stand stories with small dick protagonist

So this hot pretty girl has a crush on a guy thats fat, limp dicked, gets bullied at work, wears diaper at work openly, pissed himself and shits himself and gets his diapers changed by people? Then a few behaviour adjustments make her a total and most horny slave ever? The process shouldve taken more programming imo but i get that you dont want to delve into that. I just dont imagine anyone being able to be a slave to such a pathetic existsabce even with 100000 nanochips programming someones brainfor years.

Oh and this loser virgin suddenly came up with an combo attack that experienced playboys cant even do, i really had to laugh at that.

“Finally, Mark, still playing with her nipple, pinched it hard and bit her on the neck, while plunging a finger into her canal and pinched her clit with his thumb and index finger.”

I’m not going to lie, being a semi avid reader I’ve seen so many stories not make it because the pilot or first novel just didn’t grab the audience. Being that this is a vicarious experience for me, I may have put a little too much “zing” on him. As for Crystal being programmed so quickly, on the one hand I tried to not make it TOO outlandish and unbelievable, this taking readers with a brain straight out of the story. But unlike Tolkien, I didn’t feel comfortable talking too terribly long to kick things off. Plus Crystal appreciates Mark despite all the humiliating events, because he was still Mark. In genuinely believe that heart is very much part of attraction and not just aesthetic. Hope this clarifies.

I got say, I am not sure how this rated so high....I found it boring, didn't grab my attention at all, and some if it just made me gloss over. That being said, it is well written, and for the reasons before, that's because this was just not for me. Please don't be discouraged, and continue writing. I am sure there are lots of people into these kinks.

I can understand all the negative feedback on this story and I agree with most of it. But this story can be salvaged. I can see what your trying to do here but you went the wrong way with the plot. I know this is only fantasy but tone it down a bit and make the storyline a bit more realistic. As for crystal I feel sorry for her as she was the ONLY ONE that treated him well and he used her as a Guinea Pig that in my opinion was a big mistake in fact he should’ve used one of the bitch that fucked him around first. I hope he realises his mistake later on and treat her with the respect and love that she deserve because she did idolised him before he gave her the Potion if I read your story correctly. I’ll keep reading on hoping this story picks up for the better.. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

This is so fucking cringe. I had to stop reading 2 minutes into the HR interview. Jesus, redpill, community, yes? Well... Let me say something... Grow the fuck up. Become a man, not a pathetic excuse that writes this kind of sorry ass fantasy. Jesus, you know how we talk shit about Hollywood fucking up things like Ghostbusters with an all female cast? Well, this seems to be the opposite... Just 1000 times worse. Jesus, pathetic...