All Comments on 'Messing Around'

This is great and I encourage you to write more

The idea has a lot of different ways it can go. Looking forward to seeing where you take him.

Thanks to everyone who read this story! Although, at first I was dubious about writing a sequel to this story, many of you have liked it a lot and, because of your appreciation, I've decided to write it after all! I hope I will be able to complete it in a few days. Thank you!

So you need to check your grammar and also your phrasing as you have extra words that make no sense.

So a proofreader is what you need.

So the most handsome man around (only he’s a school kid?) looks like a bird? You know birds have delicate features and birds of prey have wired angular features? You also know that people, particularly men, who have delicate, pointed, angular faces with gaunt cheekbones and sharp pointy noses are considered strange, freakish and definitely not the most handsome man, but still only a boy, around? Shit does the guy have AIDS, you are describing the looks of an end stage AIDS or cancer patient.

The car accident analogy was terrible. A hobnail boot is a boot originally with a leather sole that for extra durability had nails hammered into the sole but not the heel. The heads of these nails were big about 6mm wide and 6mm or so long. The heads could be cylinders or spikes as the hobnails also had the secondary function of grip in mud. So the hobnail part has no meaning to the analogy. When cars have accidents they get crushed sideways, wrapped around poles or roll over maybe a few times. They do not however have large objects coming from above and flattening them. Tin cans are out they are only used in food containers. Aluminium can is what I think you were aiming for. So yeah consider your analogies and check your over zealous use of silly out dated adjectives.

What the the fuck does someone look like when they swallow a frog? Does it look anything like a person who swallows a carbuckle or a flibitygibet or maybe it’s like swallowing a velociraptor? Just what the fuck. Where do you come from that swallowing a frog is actually a thing?

How can a guy “pissing” a girl? What does it mean? “He did not fancy pissing her just yet.” That’s a statement and this thing you wrote is full of them. If you got rid of the full stop and the capital letter and dropped in the word as, you would have combined two statements and made a proper sentence that can be read without pausing, rereading and generally trying to decode the supposed English writing.

You’ve got five single sentences all set up as individual paragraphs yet they are all sentences about the Sophie girl talking about herself. Sentences with a common thread in a row are what make a paragraph. So make a paragraph and not one sentence bullshit things.

“No one would accuse her of being lax with her looks, only cunt.” That’s another sentence that makes no sense at all. Do you know what words mean, you can get a dictionary for that? To be lax means you have to neglect it. In this instance it’s doesn’t work as her looks are her looks they just exist in themselves. Sophie can be lax in her facial care routine or her makeup but not her looks.

“Only cunt.” Also makes no fucking sense at all. As written it means that Sophie is lax, so neglectful, of every cunt on the planet. So to fix it you can write “only her cunt.” . Now we aha e a proper sentence but it’s meaning is incorrect as after thinking about it I’ve interpreted your intended meaning to be that Sophie fucks everyone so is free with her cunt. Being lax with her cunt means she is neglectful of it such as not washing it or whatever, not the meaning you were going for.

Dropping the CUNT word out of nowhere when there are no other rude words, just doesn’t fit.

Use smaller words, but you fucked up “lax”. Use simple words or just words that fit a story. A story about school kids, sex references or not, shouldn’t contain words like “hobnail” or “lax” as they just don’t fit the scene. Just like words such as “cunt” “nigger” and “anal fisting” are not in the bible or a hamburger shop menu, they just don’t fit.

Lift your game or don’t publish. If just read this story yourself a week after you’d written it you would have stumbled over your mistakes all on your own. If you proof read a story yourself, straight after you’ve written it, your mind reads what it meant to write and not what it actually wrote. Your brain will auto correct for you. However wait a week and that won’t happen.

Don’t write another illiterate story about a deformed school kid with 1700’s footware and a maybe slut who doesn’t wash her cunt.

Thank god this person gave up attempting to write. I have read ingredient labels that were more entertaining while being far more informative and interesting.