All Comments on 'Mind Hack Pt. 01: You've Got Mail!'

A bit too fast. It would have been more enjoyable if the protagonist had some sort of struggle, or if the downfall was dragged out over days/weeks/months as the programming slowly took hold. As is, everything just happened perfectly, in minutes, and we don't know anything about the character, her life, relationships, etc. Very one-dimensional and too short to really have any eroticism to it. Not bad as an idea, but the execution needs some fleshing out.

Good start, can't wait to read chapter 2

story really nice

The pacing was fine. These are short stories, not novels. You gave enough of Ally's reticence and exhausted state to justify her opening that mail. Besides, how many of us could resist? That's why clickbait earns so much money!

Looking forward to seeing what Ally's gift is, for all that money she earned them - a $5.00 gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond?

~B

Realy sweet start,

Will the boys go and visit ?

Or her roomate join in on the fun ?

Thank you for your nice comments @AlexiaAlexander and Anonymous.

Thanks for your feedback @Ferrumitzal, I only just started writing erotic stories and it's one of my first times writing in english, so I hope to become better with practice. I intended to make her struggle more in future parts where she questions/struggles with her behaviour when she moves to doing more extreme things.

Thanks @OldnotDead71 , too bad I already wrote the chapter because a gift cart would have been great. @anonymous, the boys and her roommate will get involved for sure, but it will a few more chapters before that happens.

wonder how big a slut doctor ally will become

I really liked it a lot.

Ally will be quite the money earner I bet. And she gets to keep 20%!

A master's degree does not make a person a doctor.

Writing tip: Don't use the age of the girl or any clear description. It allows each reader to view themselves as the character.

(Plus, that is writing advice from Stephen King too; Keep it vauge.

If you read Harry Potter, you quickly realize that the only descriptions are things like "Green eyes and a lighting bolt scar", "A beard long enough to reach the ground and twinkling eyes", "Greasy hair and a beak-like nose, like a great black bird."

I bet you immediate know which characters those are too.)

And IF you feel the need to add some prominent feature, try to add it into the writing, rather than state it.

Like "I lifted my hair to get a closer look... would it be red, or more strawberry blond? I decided on the last"

And "I felt my breasts, heavy and full in hands" or "Even using both hands I could not cover even a single of my large breasts."

(Obviously my suggestions are a rush job, but you get the point.)

Sigh, touch, smell --all the senses makes a story come alive, and distracts from boring facts.

(And just by saying she's studying for a college exam will make it obvious she is over 18. College students tend to be. Adding if she's just started or is close to end end.. or in the middle, giver a more specific age without actually stating it. Subtext is vital in good writing.)

Beyond that you're a brilliant writer! ^_^

(I only nitpick on people who are skilled. Most Literotica writers are not. But you are.)

I'd love to read more on this story! ♡