Mixed Signals Pt. 02

"HEY!" Scarlett exclaimed, looking at him. Shane laughed.

"I'll feed you mine if you feed me yours." he said with his mouth full. "Mmm that's nice." he said, lifting a spoonful and holding it out for Scarlett. She looked at him, unsure, as she took the food from his spoon into her mouth and chewed. "Well? Good?" he asked. She nodded and furrowed her brow at him.

"Mm hm, it's really comforting. That's just what I didn't know I needed." she said, warmly. He leaned over to kiss her. They finished their desserts and Scarlett drank her tea as Shane wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she relaxed against him.

"So, what's going on, babe?" he asked softly.

"What do you mean?" Scarlett asked, finishing her tea and putting her cup back on the bedside table.

"I mean..." said Shane, tapping her temple "...in here." he whispered, looking down to try and meet her gaze.

Scarlett put her head down and shrugged. "Eh... I'm not really sure. I suppose...everything. I'm stressed just thinking about going back to uni and how this is it, this is the last chance to do the best I can but the modules I have had this year aren't what I wanted and I feel like I've worked my ass off to try and learn as much of it as I can but it's been hard cos it's not what I've studied since 1st year or wanted to study and then what I have been enjoying and doing well in, I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy because all of a sudden the gloves are off with the other people in my class and people are turning nasty. No one is friendly anymore, it was hard enough when no one spoke to me because they didn't understand my accent and thought I was weird but it's worse now that they're trying to copy my work that I do well in cos they're feeling about those modules the way I feel about the ones I don't like and there's only 8 weeks of lectures left and it doesn't feel like enough time. I don't know how I'm going to do it all and I really need to do well in these exams next week or else I'll have even more to make up for in May and..." she started sobbing again.

"Christ! Breathe will you!" Shane said softly, rubbing her shoulders. "You're panicking over nothing. You've done really well up until now, don't trip yourself up!"

"Everyone's talking about next year and they're all applying for jobs or postgrads or graduate schemes and I'm just stuck, I can't see past May. My only goal has been to get my exams done and then graduate in the Summer. And then what? Come home, go on the dole, look for a job? I'm no better off than when I left 4 years ago. People are already asking what I'm going to do and I just tell them I'm not sure. What a waste! What am I doing? I can't stay over there cos basically I hate it but I don't know where to start looking for jobs here at home again and I can't really apply when I'm away cos if I get called for interview, I'll have to try and fly back over and what if I have an important lecture or piece of work to submit or there's an exam?" she asked, her voice becoming hoarse from crying and trying to speak quickly.

"Take a breath, take a breath!" Shane said, reaching for the tissues.

"I just feel so stupid! Everyone has this grand plan and I'm just here like..." she shrugged, taking the tissues from him.

"Scarlett you're far from stupid. You've got brains to burn, I've never met anyone who loves learning as much as you do. You're like a sponge, you soak up stuff that's way over my head. And since WHEN did you care what anyone else was doing or saying?" he said in an encouraging tone. "Since the day and hour I met you, I had no doubt you're headstrong, fiercely independent and you don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something." he said.

"You think so?" asked Scarlett, looking up at him briefly.

"Yes, really! You're the most fucking stubborn person, you're more stubborn than me!" he laughed.

"Must be bad!" giggled Scarlett, looking at him. Shane laughed and pulled her into a hug.

"You can do whatever you want and you don't need to worry about what it 'looks like' or who says what. You can't expect to come out of uni and get a job that's the best job ever that you'll stay in for the rest of your life. It'll be alright!" he said, holding her into his chest and kissing her head. "And all those other folk in your class? Fuck them!" he said. "I mean don't FUCK THEM but just fuck.them." he sniggered. "In a few months you'll never have to see them again if you don't want to." he said.

"Yeah, that's true." Scarlett agreed. "I wish my friend Emma was in more of my classes."

"So you know you're doing the best you can. I support you. You've got your family and your friends all behind you. You just have this final furlong to go and then you can do whatever you want. Ok?" Shane said, reassuringly.

"Yeah, thank you." Scarlett said, leaning into his chest.

"Do you feel a bit better now?" he asked.

"Hmm, yeah, sort of. I suppose it's just not knowing what's going to happen in the next 4 months or so. With looking for jobs, with moving home, with us..." she said, glancing up at him.

He sighed softly. "I think you've got enough to be getting on with for the moment Scarl than to be worrying about us. Just concentrate on your studies. When are you finished?" he said in a low voice.

"The end of May at the latest." she said.

"Yeah, plenty of time, babe. Just get your head down and never matter what else is going on." he said, dismissively.

Scarlett was exhausted trying to get him to talk honestly and she knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind right now for another emotional conversation. She decided to let it go for now.

"You must be tired babe?" Shane asked.

Scarlett sighed. "Eh I'm tired but not sleepy, my mind is racing."

"Shall we try and get some sleep? I'm pretty beat." Shane said. He got up to get undressed and turned the lights off. They got into bed. "C'mere." Shane whispered, pulling Scarlett over onto his chest.

She lay awake feeling awkward and unable to relax. Shane fell asleep quickly, twitching and breathing deeply and Scarlett moved out of his embrace. The longer Scarlett lay awake, the more annoyed she got that he was sleeping peacefully beside her with not a care in the world. The laughter and chatter from the living room fluttered up the stairs now and then. Scarlett got up and sat on the chair by the window; firstly looking out on to the street at the random late-night dog walkers and the people staggering home from a night out clutching their takeaway food and then secondly looking round the room, at Shane's life all contained in these four walls. A life she only really saw a very small part of, a very selected version of himself that he allowed her to see. She watched him lying sleeping and realised that familiar feeling that he was almost a stranger to her. Even after all this time, she didn't know that much about him. Only what he had told her and she didn't know if that was the truth or an attempt to pacify her. The longer she sat, the more her thoughts spiralled. She got back into bed and eventually fell asleep after the noise from the guests calmed down.

She woke after only a few hours sleep, feeling dreadful. She gathered her clothes and went downstairs to the shower room and stood under the hot shower for as long as she could stand it and then washed her hair and body. She felt a bit better afterwards and she dried off and put on clean clothes before going back upstairs and packing her belongings. She wanted to leave but Shane was still sleeping and she didn't want to leave without speaking to him so she lay fully clothed on top of the duvet beside him. No one else was awake and it was even too early for the church nearby to chime its bells.

Eventually Shane stirred and reached out for her, groaning and sighing as he moved closer to her. He stroked his hand up her leg and felt the seam of her jeans, he opened his eyes looking puzzled. "Are you dressed already? What time is it?" he asked, confused.

"Just after 7am." she whispered.

"Is everything alright? How come you're dressed?" he asked, sitting up slightly.

"I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel well so I just got up and had a shower." she whispered.

"Awww babe, why didn't you wake me up?" he asked, lying his head down on the pillow again and stroking her back.

"And say what? 'I don't feel well and there's nothing you can do about it but I just wanted to let you know'... no. Anyway, you were having a nice sleep." she whispered.

Shane tutted. "No but I could've talked to you and given you a cuddle and we could've watched a film or something. Promise me you'll wake me up if it happens again." he said softly. She feigned a smile. "I wonder what time the party went on until last night." he said.

"Away after 4am." Scarlett said. "I was still awake."

Shane sat up and looked at her. "Any wonder you don't feel well, did you only sleep from after 4am until 6 or 7am?" he asked. Scarlett nodded. Shane sighed and looked at her sympathetically. "Aww babe, come here." he said. "Get back into bed." he ushered her off the duvet.

She got up off the bed. "Well, I'm up now." she said as he pulled the duvet back and pulled her in to bed.

"So am I." he said, raising his eyebrows.

She frowned at him for a moment "What?..Oh!" she said as she felt his cock hard against her thigh. She tutted. "Trust you!"

"Hmm? C'mon babe, it's Sunday and we don't need to get up for hours yet..." he whispered, propping himself on his elbow "...let me make love to you." he said, stroking her face.

Scarlett looked at him in disbelief and laughed. "Shane...'make love'? fuck off!" she said sarcastically.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" he asked, with a cheeky grin on his face.

"Nothing, except you've never said that to me, never mind done that to me...in fact I doubt you've ever said that to anyone in your life and you're saying it to me NOW? Go hard or go home, that's you!" she said, wide-eyed.

"Alright, go easy! There's a first time for everything." he said, embarrassed. "I want to have sex with you, I want to shag you, I want to bang you, I want to fuck you... is that better?" he asked, laughing.

"Well, that's more what I'm used to hearing from you but I'm really not in the mood. And that's not just a corny saying." she said.

"Still thinking too much?" he asked, stroking her hair.

She looked at him and he was looking at her, paying attention to her, waiting for her to speak. "Just stuff you probably still don't want to talk about. You're just happy to have me to yourself, when it suits you and you know I'll just jump because I want to see you. And you haven't wanted to talk about it all weekend, like just ignore it and it'll go away" she said, confidently.

"Ok... well, we can talk about it now if you want." he said, still looking at her.

She decided to take the chance now that he was offering. "Why are we still getting on like we're together? You know I want to be with you and I know we both agreed to a break but there are no rules or what's the right or wrong way to behave. I can't keep going with this way of just spending the weekend with you every few months where all we do is have sex and I feel like it's some sort of secret. Then the rest of the time, I never hear from you or if I do you've never much to say. Like you're just going to work and coming home on your own every day but then I hear from one of my friends that you were out at the pub with them or you went to a gig or you're out with people from work. I'm not checking up on you or wanting to know who you're with and what you're doing, it's just general chat." she said.

"So you want me to phone you every week and tell you what's been happening?" he asked.

"No, not necessarily like that, just keep in touch a bit more. If I'm honest I'm a bit disappointed that you haven't visited me at uni." she said.

He pulled his head back, pursuing his lips "Well...you never asked, I didn't know you wanted me to...I saved up all my annual leave for New Zealand too." he shrugged.

"But you went to meet Peter in Liverpool a couple of days before you went to New Zealand. I'm only a 30 min train journey away from there, the two of you could've visited even just for the day. I would've liked to be able to show you where I live, where I go for my lectures, taken you to my favorite places and we could've had a nice time. It would be nice to be able to share it with you, that's all." Scarlett said.

Shane shook his head and looked down at his hand as he stroked her arm "I'm sorry, I just didn't think about it babe. Peter wanted to stay with his fiancée so that's why we stayed there before we left." he said.

Scarlett raised her eyebrows "I know I'm not your fiancée but... really?" she asked. "You'd rather play the third wheel with them than come to see me, or I could've met you half way. Since you said you missed me and wanted to see me so much." she said, holding her hands out. "You're saying one thing and doing something else. Am I just not taking the hint? I mean what's the point in saying we're not together but carrying on like this?" she asked.

Shane shrugged "What's wrong with this? So you want to say we're back together now? What do you want me to do: parade you through the city centre? Put an ad in the paper? Send up a skywriter?" he asked calmly. "Do I need to make a point of telling everyone I meet that you're my girlfriend?"

"There's no need to be facetious, Shane!" Scarlett said, staring at him. "I just want to know where we stand, where I stand, what do you actually want?"

"I'll come and visit you at uni if that's what you want." he said.

"Shane! It's not that it's 'what I want', it's what I wanted at the time, when we were so mad about each other and the problem is that you never even thought about it. You said you missed me SO MUCH yet you just didn't think that finally you were only a train journey away and it might be nice to meet up..." she sighed.

"I suppose it's a bit late now anyway. You've got your exams and I've got Japan so it's not..." Shane said.

"You've got Japan?" Scarlett interrupted, with a puzzled look on her face "What does that mean?" she asked.

"Japan? The country?" Shane said, as if she was stupid.

"I know it's a country! What about it?" she said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I'm going sure. With Peter." he said nonchalantly.

Scarlett looked at him, surprised. "Since when?"

He shrugged. "We booked it after we got back from New Zealand last year. We're going in March. Did I not mention it?" he said.

"No, you didn't. It must've slipped your mind every time you talked about Peter or doing more traveling or anything happening in the next couple of months." she said, folding her arms. "This is what I mean, why don't you want to share that sort of thing with me? That's exciting, I'm excited for you. Why are you hiding that from me?" she asked.

"You should come along!" he smiled "It'd be fun."

"TO JAPAN?" Scarlett cried. "I don't want to...Have you not heard any conversations we've had this weekend? I have my finals! I don't want to go with you, I'm not saying you should share this with me because I want to go, like I feel left out or whatever. That's not it. I mean because it's something you've been looking forward to and..." she sighed. "Do you listen to yourself?! Anyway, I'm sure Peter would just LOVE it if your 'sort of' girlfriend tagged along right enough!" she said, sarcastically.

Shane shrugged "It was just a suggestion." he said softly.

"I don't get you at all. You practically begged me to come and see you this weekend, when I'm here you talk and act as if I'm your girlfriend, you fuck me as if I'm your girlfriend but in life in general you act as if I don't exist. If you don't want to be with me anymore then just say it!" she raged.

Shane tutted. "Scarlett, I really care about you. I don't want to hurt you and I don't think any of this is helping right now." he said in a patronising tone.

Scarlett growled and rolled her eyes "Fuck sake Shane, not this again! Yes or no, it's that simple. Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?" she raised her voice.

"It's not that simple, Scarlett!" he said "I was talking about it to Orla and she was saying..."

"WHO THE FUCK IS ORLA?!" Scarlett shouted, interrupting him.

"Orla from work." he said quietly.

"What's it got to do with her?!" she asked.

"She just gives me advice, that's all!" he said. "She tells me when I'm being a dick and not to hurt your feelings..." he shrugged, looking down.

Scarlett sighed, thought for a moment and stood up. "So that's why that girl Lisa was weird yesterday? Your office have been getting a daily dose of the Shane and Scarlett show. How Shane's fed up with some stupid little lovesick girl he was dating and she'll do whatever he wants while he does whoever he wants?" she shouted. "You're looking to get into Orla's pants now so you need to play the compassionate boyfriend? Or you're already banging her but you haven't got the balls to tell me?" she shouted.

"It's not like that Scarlett, you're getting it all twisted!" Shane shouted, getting out of bed and pulling his jeans and jumper on over his naked body.

"How do I even know what to think anymore? You keep so much a secret from me, you keep me secret from other people. You just want to have your cake and eat it too." she started crying.

He approached her. "Oh Scarlett, don't cry. I don't want to hurt you." he said, putting his arms around her.

She pushed him away. "STOP SAYING THAT! It's too fucking late, Shane. I'm crying because I'm angry and frustrated because this is just going round and round in circles and because I'm such a gullible bitch to think you might actually want to be with me or you might actually tell me the truth. Or just be honest in general for once, is it that hard?!"

"I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know how I feel and I can't say what I don't know..." he shrugged and looked at her apologetically. "You're asking for all this and it's like nothing else will do, I don't know why there has to be a decision about this right now! Why can't you just go back to uni and concentrate on your exams and we'll sort this out after?" he asked, sternly.

"BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING GET ON WITH MY LIFE!" Scarlett shouted. "I'm stuck in this limbo. You keep dangling the carrot, keeping me hanging on and that's the way you like it in case you don't get a better offer. 'Sure just keep Scarlett on the back burner, she's always game' NO! I'M NOT, it's eating me up inside. As much as I wish I could ignore it and get on with everything else, I can't because this is important to me. I can't concentrate on anything else properly. If you ripped my heart out now with your bare hands and stood on it, it'd be way fucking easier than this mess I let you turn me in to every time. Yes or no Shane? Make a decision!" she shouted through tears and snot and her throat burned and her body trembled.

"I CAN'T GIVE YOU AN ANSWER SCARLETT!" he shouted. She gathered her belongings and started putting her shoes on. "I don't know, Ok? I don't know! What are you doing?" he said.

"Going home! Where I should've just stayed all weekend instead of coming here with some stupid schoolgirl fantasy that you'd finally figured out what you wanted and stop fucking me about AGAIN!" she said hurriedly as she tied her laces and put on her coat.

"No, don't go Scarl, wait...please." Shane said, pulling his shoes on his bare feet before following her down the stairs and out the front door.

She crossed the road and walked down through the cross streets as quickly as she could with Shane calling after her. He could walk quicker than her and easily caught up with her. "Scarlett, come on back to the house. Let's just sit down and talk, we'll figure it out" he begged.