All Comments on 'Movin In - Di Ch. 01'

The storyline is not particularly original, but that is not a problem — only so many ways to spin this tale. The problem for me rests with dialogue that squelches the erotic possibilities — almost all lines during sex are too long and stiff. No romance; no tension, no fire. Try reading the dialogue as if you or she were saying the words in the heat of the moment. Keep sharing.

Cheating whore story, with an asshole that fucks other men's wives. Also, commercial pilots don't retire in their 40's, anyway.

How does he cum in her when he is wearing a condom. Your writing is rather juvenile.

Nice little tale, but you need to work on your writing style. Very few lines in real dialogue start with the name of the person addressed. The whole thing comes over as a little stilted and lacks flow, which is common for a first story. One commenter said you should read it - they’re right, but you have to do it aloud, then you hear why it sounds wrong. Keep going please.

Additional comment: the use of vulva with cock, then with cunt, reads oddly. It works better if you pair vulva with penis, and pussy with cock. Don’t confuse vulva and vagina (you haven’t yet!)