All Comments on 'Moving on Up an... Out'

Good start on building the characters and possibilities Pinnavea. I look forward to hearing more about Valiant.

As to the anon comment about learning English. Was it deliberate humour or an inadvertent demonstration of the Dunning-Kruger effect ?

Waiting fo seconds 😉 chapter, mon. And remember:

The shit creek is missing paddles!

so this is only part 1.

keep going, lets see where you take this.

What sort of happy horseshit was this?!!

OUT!!!!! So just make sure it is a real BTB!!! She has already made the decision for the author.

The plot is interesting but cloudy.

The characters are very interesting.

On the downside, the writing needs improving.

Too many "to's" and not enough "too's".

The background needs improving too.

We have a family here, so we need their ages.

Knowledge of the extended family would help too.

If this is a one part story, it is lacking.

If we get more parts, this could get interesting.

So no ratings from me.

Yet.

Not sure how to say this but it started not to bad but . It looks like this is going to turn out to be one of those garbage stories that keep popping up every day. It was going great ( I’m not saying anything about how poor the wording was) then it decided that it wanted to go down the garbage side . And do the black guy thing instead of just sticking to the loving wife theme . Then you write some utter utter rubbish round chapter 8 to the end . You absolutely ruined this story the husband didn’t want to cheat and made it clear. But then you keep trying to force the issue on the poor husband that cheating is good. I don’t know what you are on but you must remember cheating gets you no where only leads to hurt and pain . Even if you think it’s great and all but at the end of the day someone will always get hurt. It doesn’t matter what you think or say just because you walk away smiling doesn’t mean that the other people are smiling. They might be on the outside but inside they are dying because of the shame of what they are doing. Especially if they are cheating on a loved one. That’s why I can’t understand where you are going with this but at the moment it’s heading for the garbage dump. The story was fine till you started to mess with trying to force the issue with the wife . You couldn’t of just left it with the husband says no he would never cheat on the wife now you are trying to force him . That then is just vile and wrong. If she wants to cheat tell her just wait till the divorce is through then tell her that she can then do it to her heart’s content. It looks like you are trying to force the husband to become a cuckold. And if that or wife sharing or swinging please just stop writing this story. This category is read by proud people who hate this kind of story that you look like you are trying to write . Please either stop writing or change to a different category like the interracial category or the group category because this sort of story is not welcomed here .

Having been the recipient of the LW critics association, I can just see what is headed your way. Hang in there and finish your story. Its yours, not theirs.

Its a touchy subject.

2*

With the title of your story, one can only assume (bad word) that she goes for JJ. Whether you level the playing field for Val will what we will wait to see. How will Cyn handle being a single mother of two (unless JJ plants another) being on her own. I won't rate this yet, we'll see how number two turns out. Don't make the readership wait forever.

Words, words. NFL, BBC, Big Black football player, my nine inches. Gee where might this be headed. Hopefully not where I expect it will go.

Please get an editor.

As it stands, I’ve no idea if there is a good story hidden behind all the errors that overshadow the tale.

This might be a good story, but the flow gets stuck in sentence fragments and awkward structure. I’m not voting stars here, because I didn’t read enough to say it was bad. I hope you’ll polish it up to make it a better read, because I suspect there is an interesting story in there.

Couldn't get past half way down the first page. BORING!

Is English the author's native language? If not, this is a "valient" effort. If so, shame on his middle and high school English teachers. I usually notice but don't care all that much about bad grammer and misspellings, but the ones in this piece took me out of the story. Actually, there wasn't much story to be jolted out of, so the end result is negative.

Was there a point to this? Is it a warning of worse yet to come?

Time for chapter 2 to find out.

She wants to fuck someone other than me, get the fuck out. You promised fidelity, you need to live it out or get divorced and then go explore your BBC desires. I would not compete for something that had been promised previously.

""""""robroy93almost 2 years ago

Was

Was there a point to this? Is it a warning of worse yet to come?"""""" I agree, so it is a 1 star (

*)

Yep,sho nuf, this is a strange one. Interesting too! LP

Thanks for all the warnings peeps!